Break Me Down
by crazyevildru
Summary: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties. I am exploring Jordan with more depth. Told in his POV- italics are his voice overs. Will become NC17/M
1. Chapters 1 thru 4

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 1-4 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 1 thru 4 of 100**

**1**

_Were you ever half asleep in class and suddenly felt like you were being watched? I feel that way constantly. It's like I'm being watched all the time. It doesn't stop me from being half asleep in class, but it's just a creepy feeling._

Jordan Catalano sinks down into the chair a bit more, hoping he won't be called on. He fucking hates being called on since he usually doesn't know answers to anything. If only there was a way he could pass his classes without reading or writing. But being held back two years has proven that an impossibility.

That's why he doesn't go to class all that often. Instead, he prefers to drive around or smoke. It isn't as if he doesn't know some of the material, having sat in the classes more his first year. He's sure he knows enough to pass, if the tests would actually make any amount of sense.

He looks around at his fellow classmates as they all write things down in their notebooks. He glances down at his desk and sees his drawings from the last time he sat there are still present, unscathed. He smiles to himself. He should have brought a pencil.

He notices that one curly haired kid glances at him, which he does sometimes. He wonders why the kid is so curious about him. He bites his thumb a bit and looks at the clock on the wall. He's almost suffered through another class. One more and he'll have fulfilled his self-inflicted two classes per day quota.

The bell rings and he gets up and darts out the door quickly.

"Catalano!" he turns toward his friends as they come down the stairs and head to their lockers.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asks, bored already of everything.

"I thought I'd attempt algebra for shits and giggles," Shane laughs a bit. "Maybe I won't suck that much this week. Maybe this will be the week I get it." He crosses his fingers sarcastically and laughs again as Jordan leans back against the wall of lockers. "Where are you going?"

Jordan shrugs as he notices that curly haired kid walking down the hall.

_If I could just be like him and actually know the answers and be able to like… say them in some sort of smart way, my life would be so easy._

He watches the kid pass by them and tunes out his friends for a minute. He notices that kid staring across the hallway and follows his gaze to a locker down the hall toward that weird kid, Graff and some girl with red hair.

"Is that girl new?" he asks and points toward her.

"Who?" Shane curiously turns toward where Jordan is looking. "Her? I don't think so. Haven't heard about a new girl."

"Who?" Kevin asks and turns as well. "Her? Fuck no. That's that squeaky girl that used to hang with that girl that goes out with Vinnovich. I forget her name. Why?"

"How the fuck do you know all this shit?" Shane laughs and shoves Kevin out into the hallway where he trips and they all laugh.

"I can't help it if my girlfriend knows shit."

"You don't have a girlfriend," Jordan sighs.

_Kevin is dumb enough to think that just because he fucks some girl a couple times a week that it means she's his girlfriend, when we all know Nancy also does like… two guys from the football team._

"Well Nancy tells me shit if I finger her before we fuck," Kevin shrugs. "Girls know shit about each other. I'm telling you, it's helpful to know shit, like who's fighting with who. It's this huge soap opera of drama. Like Vinnovich's girlfriend and that squeaky girl used to be best friends and now she hangs with Graff."

_I keep trying to remember that squeaky girl's name but I can't. I guess she's just Squeaky Girl._

Shane watches Jordan watching the squeaky girl and he wonders why. He's never seen Jordan really look at any girl with any interest, other than an immediate one. "Do you like… what? You wanna fuck her or something?"

"Huh?" Jordan asks suddenly, turning away from the three down the hallway. "No," he denies quickly. "I was just wondering. I didn't think I'd seen her before."

"So you leaving?" Shane asks him.

"I don't know," Jordan shrugs. He really doesn't have a lot of money for gas and his car is low. He can usually get his friends to chip in if they go somewhere together, but if they weren't going…

"Hey, Jordan," Cynthia smiles as she walks up to him.

"Hey," he nods as she steps a bit closer to him. He closes his eyes as her hand rubs his dick skillfully.

"Boiler room?" she whispers.

"Boiler room," he nods. "Five minutes."

"Guess you don't have a girlfriend either?" Kevin teases and punches Jordan's arm.

"We fuck," he shrugs.

_Just because you fuck someone doesn't mean she's your girlfriend. It doesn't mean you share anything other than a few sweaty minutes in the backseat, or in this case the boiler room._

He watches as she walks away and he turns back to his friends. "Guess I'm staying in school," he laughs as he heads off to the boiler room, thinking it's convenient that the school provides a private place for them to go.

_Have you ever wondered why you do something? Or someone? I mean Cynthia is okay and she doesn't care what we do, but… she's common._

_I keep thinking that one day I'll be able to have like… a girl that's not common. Or at least one that holds my interest longer than it takes to come. But I guess a girl like that, an uncommon girl, a real girl isn't interested in someone like me, someone who can't even fucking-_

"Hey," Cynthia whispers as she pushes him against the wall and her mouth attacks his quickly, her hands pulling his pants down. "I'm so horny, you have no idea," she tells him.

_Oh well… this is pretty nice._

**2**

_Have you ever stared at a girl and been like… is this all I'm worth?_

_I guess I'm just getting tired of this shit. I mean… I could never like…_

"This was fun," Cynthia smiles as she pulls her panties on. "Always is with you, Jordan."

"Yeah," he nods. "And it's way better than English."

He watches her pull her pants back up and straighten out her shirt and figures he should do the same. He wonders if he's missed English completely. If he has, that means he has to go to history instead, either class isn't particularly fun.

"So you going to Tino's party tonight?"

"Huh? Probably. He is my friend," he shrugs. He hates making plans. He hates feeling the need to be in one place at one particular time for a particular event.

"Maybe we could go together," she suggests, eyeing him carefully since she's been trying to hook Catalano for a few months. She was thrilled when he drove her home one night and they ended up in a parking lot on the hood of his car.

_Does she seriously think that like… we'd go together? That I'd like… what? Pick her up and drive her? And leave with her? She must be crazy. Everyone knows I don't do girlfriends. And certainly not a girl like her. Girls like her are a dime a dozen and are completely willing to screw anything with a car or a cute smile. I know she fucked Tino's cousin at the last party he threw._

"I'll uh… think on it, or whatever."

She just stares at him. "That's it? You'll think on it or whatever? You fuck me but you won't drive me to a party?"

_This is why I don't do girlfriends: they're too fucking complicated. They think they're like… entitled or something._

"Yeah," he nods. "I gotta go to English," he says and darts up the stairs quickly, grateful he escapes unscathed and uncommitted to anything other than a visit to the boiler room.

He walks in and everyone turns to stare at him for a moment, but the teacher says nothing.

_They're used to saying nothing, as if they know how lucky they are that I decided to show up. That's funny, as if anyone is lucky that I show up…_

"Anne Frank perished in a concentration camp. Anne Frank is a tragic figure."

_I really think these things are like… amazing. Tic tacs. I need the taste of Cynthia out of my mouth._

"How could Anne Frank be lucky?" she asks someone and he's happy it's not him since she sounds annoyed.

"I don't know." He glances around the teacher to see who's talking and notices it's the squeaky girl. "'Cause she was trapped in an attic for three years with this guy she really liked?" She turns to glance at her friend and he notices how she tucks her hair behind her ear when it's already behind her ear.

_I wonder if I have any things I do that don't make any sense. Why would she tuck her hair behind her ears again? Like… like she can do it better or something? And why do I give a shit?_

He puts his head down on the desk to close his eyes for a bit. He only barely pays attention to anything since he's heard all about this book before and might be able to explain it fairly well if forced to do so, if he could find the words.

_It's like… have you ever felt like you would have all these like… insightful things to say if you could ever get out a real thought? If you were ever allowed to have a real thought that was all your own?_

"Jordan?"

"Huh?" he asks as he raises his head.

"What do you see as one of the central themes?" The teacher asks.

He knows he knows this.

_Themes of Anne Frank. They talked about this last year that one day like how it shows like… hope or- no. That's wrong. It shows… like how unfair stuff was or-_

She sighs and turns away from him. "Brian?"

He shrugs and puts his head down.

_Maybe next time._

The bell rings a few minutes later and he takes another glance at the squeaky girl, still not remembering her name, as if it matters to him one way or the other.

_Maybe I just think she seems like… nice. Too nice to be hanging out with Graff. Does she know that Graff drinks like a fish? Does she drink? She doesn't seem like the type. She seems like one of those like… perfect girls who would never dream of doing anything wrong. She's probably die if she ever got caught doing something wrong, like skipping class or drinking or smoking. She'd never be down in the boiler room during class._

_She's definitely not common._

"Yo, Catalano, I think I'm getting those speakers we were looking at," Shane says as he shoves Jordan down the hallway. "That means we can practice this weekend."

"Oh? Cool," Jordan nods. "We still need a space though."

"Kevin thinks he found us one. He's gonna check it out tomorrow."

"Here, stop. I need a drink and we have to figure out what we're doing this weekend. We can't practice all weekend and I heard there's this thing at Let's Bolt… sounds promising. I bet Cynthia will be there and-"

"That's over. I can't… she wants me to drive her to Tino's like we're some sort of a thing or whatever."

"That's what girls do. They like… rope you in bein' all sexy and seductive. They get you where they want you and then…"

_Sometimes listening to Shane for any kind of advice on anything is hilarious. He talks like he knows something about girls and having a girlfriend when the longest relationship he's ever had with one was a girl that wanted to fuck twice before shoving him out of her bedroom._

"… grab you by the balls, I'm telling you. That's probably the only reason she even talked to you today, to get you to take her. But at least she puts out, so that's not a total loss."

"But why should I take her when I've already like… had her?"

"You're cold, Man. Ice Cold Catalano, that's what we'll call you. In, out and over, that's you."

_That's not me. I mean… that's how people see me, I guess. But it's not like… who I am. It's like… that's how I'm expected to be. I did some stupid shit like this back in eighth grade or whatever and attracted these friends and now it's who I am. I'm supposed to like… get girls numbers and fuck them and run because… because I can? Because I'm Jordan Catalano?_

_I don't get what that's about. I don't get why this is just acceptable._

_And then I'll see Cynthia walk by or some other skank that follows us around and it just sort of… is unimportant because what girls are we going to attract other than these ones?_

"Whatever," Jordan shrugs as he glances down the hallway and sees the squeaky girl exiting the English room.

_Did she get asked to stay after? It's not like she does anything wrong, so why would she have to?_

_She looks so…_

"Yo, Jordan!"

"What?" he snaps at Shane.

"Where are you today? It's like you're not even listening sometimes. I said that I was going to Tino's early to set up the kegs. Are you coming?"

"Oh, maybe. I don't know," Jordan shrugs and watches her walk down the hallway.

"You do wanna fuck her, don't you?" Shane asks again, noticing how Jordan watches her.

"No," he says quickly. "I just think she's… weird. Like… who wants hair that red?"

"Well she'll probably be there since Graff will be and they're like… joined at the hip now, according to Kevin."

_A girl like her? At Tino's? That hardly seems right._

_If she knew what was good for her, she'd stay home and read a book or whatever._

**3**

_This party basically blows. Tino's parties are usually a good time, or maybe I'm just not in a real party mood. Either way, I don't get to watch MTV at home, so I don't mind sitting here and catching up on some shit._

_What would I do out there anyway? Sit and drink and let Cynthia follow me around?_

_I can sit in here and drink and not have her chasing me around like an idiot. _

_I just don't wanna like… be around people tonight. Is that such a crime?_

He hears the door open and turns to see her- the squeaky girl.

_Guess she came after all and she's like… covered in mud. Bet she's really glad she came. She looks… nervous? Terrified? I don't know, one or the other I guess._

_I should like… offer her a ride home or something, if I hadn't promised Shane and Kevin the same thing._

_I should say something, but what could I possibly say to her? Nice dress? When she knows it's not. Nice hair? That's not an opening you'd say to a girl like her and why do I care?_

_I don't._

He turns from her as she tries to leave, but the doors are locked so no one can trash the house, which he knows is what Tino always does.

He watches out of the corner of his eye as she sits on a chair awkwardly and he knows he has to say something to her now because otherwise, he'd seem like a jerk and for some reason that he can't explain, he doesn't want her thinking he's a jerk.

"This… doesn't seem like a Friday."

_This doesn't seem like a Friday? What the fuck is that?! That's the most retarded thing to say ever since it's not even-_

"It's Thursday," she says confidentially.

"Oh."

_Oh. Of course OH! Why does my brain never work the way I want it to? Why can't it ever find the words I want when I want them? Why can't it ever just tell Cynthia to leave me alone because I've gotten all I want from her? Why can't it just answer some fucking questions in school so I don't look like I'm a completely moron?_

"Are you sure?"

_Once again? It fails me._

"Well, yesterday was Wednesday, so..."

"Oh... right."

"So, that's how I know."

_I love how she looks like she just made a complete idiot out of herself when I was the one who asked the dumbest fucking question. What am I supposed to say now? She's sitting there looking all… pretty and cute and- what? No. I mean-_

"Jordan, this bites. Let's go over to Grunden's."

_Thank god for Kevin. Two more seconds in there and I'd have probably done something completely stupid, like… try and talk with her._

He gets up and walks by her and notices how green her eyes look as they follow him inadvertently.

And for the rest of the night, he keeps thinking about those eyes.

**4**

"So tomorrow afternoon, we should be in at the loft. It'll be better than my garage since my dad won't kick us out and we'll be able to leave things set up."

"Yeah, but is it secure, Kev?"

"For the most part. I mean… Tino's uncle owns the dive below it, so… there's a lock and shit and once you see the bar, you'll see no one would go looking for anything expensive there."

"Sounds good," Shane nods and they both look at Jordan, who's leaning against the wall near them, staring down the hall, biting his thumb. "Doesn't that, Jordan? You're good to drive the getaway car?"

"Huh? Yeah," their friend nods absently.

"And it's okay if we fuck your sister when she turns eighteen, right?"

"Yeah," he nods again. "Wait, what about my sister?" Jordan turns his head quickly and glares at them. "What do you wanna do to my baby sister?"

"Nothing, Man, where's your head today?"

"Just thinking," Jordan shrugs. "So do we have a new place to practice?"

"Yes! At the loft! Tino's uncle's loft!" Kevin nearly yells and shoves Jordan into a pack of cheerleaders who giggle as he bumps into them and almost falls.

"Kevin!" They all turn to see Kevin's quasi-girlfriend walking down the hall toward them. "You didn't call me yesterday when you said you would."

"I'm sorry, Nanc," he says, slipping an arm around her.

_And Shane doesn't rag on him for this? If it were me, he would. If it were me, he'd- oh there she is. The way she walks down the hall behind Graff and that weird kid is just… she's so shy. I guess that's the word. How can she be that shy and yet still want to hang with Graff and show up at Tino's party?_

_She stands beside them as they all talk and she tucks her behind her ears again and-_

"Nancy, who's that?" he asks as he watches the three of them talking at their lockers.

"Who? Her? The girl with the red hair? Angela."

"Is that her name? Angela?" Jordan wonders.

"Yeah, Angela Chase. She used to hang out with Sharon Cherski and all of a sudden, she's with Graff and Rickie. But yeah, that's Angela. Why?"

"Because Ice Cold Catalano would rather take a shower in her than in cold water," Shane laughs

"What? No I wouldn't. I just- she like… we talked for a second last night at the party and I just wondered who she was."

"Well yeah, her name is Angela and she's way out of your league, Jordan, so don't even go there. She's like… totally a no sex before marriage kinda girl."

_Uncommon. That's what kind of girl she is. Angela. It suits her, I guess. She wouldn't have some kind of whorish name like Nancy or Jennifer or Cynthia._

_Angela Chase._

"I'm not interested in her. I just wondered and if she's hanging with Graff and Graff hangs out with Tino and we hang out with Tino, maybe I should just know her name in case it comes up or whatever."

"Riiight, in case it comes up," Shane laughs gently.

"Somethin' is up, that's for sure," Kevin says and pushes Jordan lightly.

"No," he denies. "It's just in case it just-"

"Because Tino is so likely to ask us about the friend of a girl he fools around with occasionally, right? Just admit it, you're into her," Shane says, staring at his friend.

_I am not interested in her._

_I'm not._

_She is out of my league. She's smart. I mean… she can answer questions when she gets called on, right? And if she hung out with that Sharon girl and that crowd, that means she like… cares about school and shit. It means she can probably r-_

"You wanna fuck her, it's not big deal," Kevin interrupts his thoughts.

"No," Jordan shakes his head. "We just talked for like… a minute, less than. I do like to know the names of people I talk to."

"Whatever," Kevin and Shane both say at the same time.

"So we doing something tonight, Kev?" Nancy asks.

_I'm not into her._

_I just… think she has nice eyes. She's obviously a sweet person since she didn't call me stupid or anything for asking what day it was. Besides, if what Nancy says is right, she is really nice and probably goes to church or something on Sundays. She's probably one of those like… drone type girls who's like… completely fake and put on and-_

"I think we're going to Let's Bolt tonight, Nanc. It's a guy thing. So… but I'll call you this weekend?"

"You better, Kevin. It's not like I don't have other offers."

They watch her walk away, down past Angela and her friends and Jordan uses it as a small excuse to steal another glance at her.

_Look at her though. That's not what the no sex before marriage crowd wears. I mean… flannel? Really? That's not what that type usually looks like. So like… what is she like?_

_Angela._

**To Be Continued**


	2. Chapters 5 thru 9

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 5-9 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 5 thru 9 of 100**

**5**

"Jordie! You came!"

"I said I would, didn't I?" he smiles as the little girl leaps into his arms. "And I'd never break a promise to my favorite girl, would I?"

"Never," she laughs. "Can you take me out today?"

"I can't, Katie, not today. I'm sorry."

_I hate seeing that crushed look on her face when I can't take her, but Rick won't let me take her on school nights, even if it's a Friday._

_My little sister._

_She reminds me of my mom so much, from what I can remember of her, from before she died._

"Why can't I just come live with you all the time?" she asks and it pains him whenever she does. She plays with the necklace around his neck as she sits in his lap.

"I've told you this before, Katie. We go through this every time I visit. My dad isn't your dad. I live with my dad and you live with yours and I have to follow his rules."

"Yeah, I just… you don't visit me too much, Jordie."

"I visit as much as I can, Katie. I'll try and visit more, okay?"

"Yeah, so… guess what we learned in school today?"

"What?"

_I ask and listen as she rambles on about fractions or something and I'm glad she's smart like that. She gets school and can read and write really neatly. She can do math easy and she likes coloring. I still think of her as my baby sister, even if she is nearly ten._

_I see so much of Mom in her, the parts I can remember. I was only ten when she died but I can remember her smile and Katie has that. And the eyes- Katie has Mom's eyes. I guess I do too. It's getting harder to remember though and I wonder if what I think I remember was real or just what I want to be real._

_I think she's better off though, here. I mean… Rick's a bastard but not in the same way like my dad is. He's just… he doesn't like me much but at least he's never really said I can't see her. He just makes it hard to do. Least now I have a car and I can come see her._

_I guess he has good reason to be worried about me. I mean… I am my father's son, right?_

"And then we told him to eat it."

"Eat the sand? You made some poor kid on the playground eat sand?"

"We didn't make him. He didn't have to."

"Katie," he smiles softly and runs his fingers through her brown hair. "That's not nice, okay? Promise me you won't be a bully, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Jordan? It's almost time for her dinner."

"Oh, sorry, Rick," he says as Rick heads off down the hallway. "Okay, Baby Girl. I gotta split, but I'll talk to him about maybe taking you to a movie or something, okay?"

"Yeah. I'm glad you came, Jordie. It's been like… a week since you came last."

"Gimme kiss," he says and she kisses his cheek and hugs him tightly and he hates leaving her. He hates not getting to see her since she's the only real family he has, but it was really just luck that their mother told the truth before she went into labor, or else she would have been raised by his father and that wouldn't have been good.

"Rick? I wanted to know if maybe I could like… take her to a movie or something. Maybe Sunday? For like three hours?"

"I'll think about it. Why don't you call Saturday and ask again?"

"Okay," he nods and leaves quickly.

Jordan gets in his car and he remembers Shane mentioning something about Let's Bolt, which seems like the thing to do. It's a much better plan for him than going home.

The drive to Shane's is longer than it normally seems and he wonders what she might be doing tonight.

_Probably doing homework or watching a movie or something. She doesn't seem like the type to go to some rave-like club on a Friday night. Even if she does hang out with Graff, she'd have a heart attack in Let's Bolt._

_And why would she even want to go? Does she dance? If she's shy, she probably wouldn't even dance, certainly not like the skanks at Let's Bolt. Most of them put out. Half of them will put out on the dance floor if you buy them enough drinks._

_If Cynthia's there, maybe I'll just… offer to drive her home._

_Why am I even thinking about Angela? It's completely pointless. So she told me what day it was, that's no reason to get all excited or even like..._

_Fuck, Catalano. You've never thought about one girl this much, even if she's in the back seat!_

_I have to just… get over this like… crazy like… crush or whatever. Not a crush. Just… an interest? Or a wondering about her?_

_I've done this since I was little- wondered about what other people's lives are like. That's all it is, like that book with that gorilla or something… Curious George. That's it. I'm curious._

**6**

"Catalano!" Shane screams and dashes across his yard and onto the hood of the car as Jordan pulls in his driveway. "We got wheels, Boys!" he screams. "Put down the top and let's GO!"

Jordan laughs and goes along with it since he's determined to get over his curiosity in Angela Chase.

"So there's sure to be a few girls there that we haven't tried," one of Kevin's friends grins. "Like that one girl, what's her name? That one with the really thin legs? Stacey? Stephanie? Sammie? What is it?"

"What does it matter?" Kevin laughs. "As long as it's not Nancy. Shit she's pissing me off. I wanna forget her tonight. If she has so many other fucking options, let her take one."

_It's funny how many times Kevin says this on a monthly basis and then how many times he actually follows through with it. I mean he's completely whipped and it's not even over a good girl. She's barely nice to anyone and she's a total slut._

"Ten bucks says he's on the phone to Nancy before we leave tonight," Shane says as they pull up into the parking lot. Jordan jumps out of the car and hears some girl screaming.

"Oh my god, Angela! Oh my god! Oh my god. Oh my..."

He turns to see-

"Hey, I know that girl."

"Oh my god!" Graff continues to squeal as he watches Angela get nudged into the car as she smiles at him.

"Angela?"

"Oh my god, Kev, it's Angela!" Shane laughs. "Look, everyone, it's Angela! Jordan, it's Angela. Fuck, what the hell is it with you? She's not even pretty!"

_I guess that's where maybe they're wrong. Like… she's not skanky and whorish like the girls here, like Nancy or Cynthia, but she is pretty. She's… pure, innocent._

_So what is she doing being put in a police car? Did they get in trouble? Are they okay?_

_Why the hell do I care?_

_But I obviously do care, at least a little bit, since I wonder about it occasionally all weekend long. Especially since I don't get to see Katie and she's the only thing that's like… good. And Angela. Angela must be good since she hangs with Graff and Tino doesn't say anything about messing around with a red head._

_And it seems like the really bad weekends take forever to pass and sometimes, I'm actually happy to wake up and know I at least have something to do, if I want._

_School is at least an easy place to see my friends and not that like… demanding, since I don't go to most of my classes._

Jordan parks his car as usual and heads into the building to find his friends and figure out what classes he'll go to. Perhaps three today, since it's Monday.

He can't help but notice the red head walking down the hall.

"Hi."

_I don't know why I said that or what I expect to get in return from-_

"Hi."

_Well that's… pretty good, I suppose. At least it's a response and not a laugh._

"Out on bail?"

_Of all the things I could say, that's what I settle on? Perhaps Shane's right: I am pathetic._

_How can I walk up to any girl at Let's Bolt Friday night and whisper in their ear a bit and have them practically begging to go to my car, yet I can't seem to come with anything to say to her?_

_Because she's uncommon._

"Uh, yeah. So how was your weekend?"

_How was it? I fuckin' had the old man screaming at me and then I couldn't see Katie and my fuckin' radiator sprung a leak that I had to fix. B asically?_

"It sucked."

He leans back against the wall and once again realizes how he hates weekends when he doesn't get to see Katie at least once. He knows it disappoints her as well and he hates knowing he makes her feel like that.

_Shit. I'm in school. Angela. Right. Open eyes, Jordan._

"Gotta go."

_I gotta go? Where? I don't have to go anywhere, yet that's what I said, so I have to go._

_I notice Shane and Kevin and Tino laughing near the door and I walk quickly away from them because I don't want their bullshit today._

_I mean… would it be so bad if I was into her?_

_Is it so wrong to be into someone who's actually nice?_

_Even if she is out of my league?_

_Or is she?_

**7**

_Can anyone tell me how dissecting a heart is really going to teach me anything?_

_If someone could explain what value this will have for me when I'm thirty, I'd love to listen._

"I gotta go to the bathroom," Jordan announces and stands. He walks out and no one really seems to be bothered.

He walks out the door and around back to the track field vending machines. A soda and a smoke seem appealing to him, more so than a pig's heart.

That's when he sees Rayanne Graff pounding on the vending machine.

"How much money'd you lose?" he asks.

"None," she shrugs and he smiles to himself. "So, Catalano... Tino says you can get my girlfriend a fake ID."

_Her girlfriend? Is she talking about Angela?_

"So? So could Tino."

_I mean… she knows that. Why is she asking me anyway?_

"Oh yeah, well, see, ah, he does me so many favors I feel like I'm wearing him thin." She follows him over to where he sits.

"Kinda with that out of state look? Like from uh, Georgia or something? My girlfriend really needs one. Angela? It's like an emergency."

_Is she still talking? Why wouldn't she just go to Tino? They're like… messing around. It's not like he wouldn't do her a favor for a blowjob or whatever._

"Why doesn't she ask for herself?" He asks, staring at the ground, thinking about how that conversation might go, or even why she'd need a fake ID in the first place. He doesn't really picture Angela going into a store and buying beer. Why wouldn't she just ask him on her own? Why send Graff? Unless…

"Well that's a long story. She's uh... French! She's from France."

_France? What? What in the hell would she say that unless like- there's some reason why she wouldn't want to talk to me._

"Get outta here."

"Seriously. And with certain words she'll like forget how to pronounce 'em, or something. It's like a mental block type a thing."

_Why wouldn't she want to talk to me? It's not like we haven't talked before. We had that stupid fucking conversation at the party and then the other day in the hallway… she's French? That doesn't make any sense. Is she like… does she not like me or something? I mean she did say something back to me. She could have just walked away._

"That girl I see you with?"

"Angela. Chase."

_Angela Chase. That's nice. It sort of-_

"Is... French?"

"Well she was born there; I mean she hasn't lived there in quite a while. She's a US citizen and all."

_Unless she like… likes me, or something. Would that make sense? Sending Graff because she's too nervous or whatever? Or she's just so innocent that she doesn't know Graff is planning something they'd need fake IDs for. Either way…_

"What kinda ID?

"An out of state one so it's not like… so obvious. I'll get a picture to you today and you can let me know when it's ready. We'll figure out the rest then."

"Yeah, okay. Does she like… know you're asking me?"

"Why?" she asks quickly, as if she suspects something.

"She just… doesn't seem like that type of girl. That's all," he shrugs and gulps his soda, not wanting to look interested at all.

"What type of girl does she seem like? I mean… besides French."

"Riight, besides French," he laughs. "She just… seems like the type to not get into trouble."

"Well maybe she's different than that. Maybe she's not what she seems, ya know?"

_What is that supposed to mean?_

_I look at her and try to figure out what she's thinking or what she means about Angela._

_Did Angela ask her to ask me? Or like… set this up somehow? Maybe she is into me or something. Or if she's not what she seems, maybe she seems all like… pure and sweet and shit, but isn't? I mean, she is hanging with Graff. She was in a police car and went and changed her hair. Maybe Nancy's wrong about her, maybe I am too._

_That's… disappointing._

_Maybe she's just common after all._

**8**

"Uh… so, Angela's got the money…"

"Right, so-"

"So-"

_Why are they acting so strange? The only thing I can figure is that she really is just… common. She must be just like Graff and all the others and this whole ID thing was just to like… arrange it._

_I keep hoping that like… once I touch her, I can get her out of my head._

"Wait here, we'll send her out. Oh, I almost forgot, Tino..."

"Uh, yeah. Didn't he say that uh..."

"Yeah. See, I mentioned that you'd be dropping us and... and he said tell Catalano I'll meet him there, I got something I wanna tell him."

"About Frozen Embryos?"

"What's that?"

"Just this band we might form."

"Yeah, I think that was..."

"I think that was it."

"Okay," he nods as they run off to the house.

_Honestly? I'm a bit disappointed, I guess. It was nice thinking there was like… one girl out there who didn't just wanna fuck me for no reason, or for a slutty one. I mean a fake ID? Is that really a reason to fuck someone?_

_I guess to them, it is._

"Hi."

He looks up at her and she smiles and he thinks-

_She seems so sweet. Is she really just like this? She's wearing a dress and not even a slutty one._

_She's… pretty._

"So, I have the money. So, you have my ID, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, this is your car?"

_I can't help but shrug a little since that sounds like something I'd say- saying something completely obvious._

"Get in."

_I mean, if she wants to do this, she should get in, right? But she's not like… acting like they all do._

"I... I... I can't... go anywhere... I mean I should stay here... Uh, it's a long story…"

_Maybe she's not like them. I've never been so confused over a girl ever. It's like… one second I think one thing and then she says something like that and it's completely different._

"I didn't say go anywhere."

_She has a beautiful mouth. Suddenly all I can think about is kissing her. Has she ever kissed anyone? She doesn't seem like the type that would have._

"Oh. Ok."

Angela gets in and hands him the money.

"Here," he says and takes it out of the glove compartment, wondering if she really agreed to this idea or if Graff set this up on her own.

"Wow, it looks real. Why does..."

_I have to do this. I have to kiss her. It's like… if I don't kiss her and she gets out of the car, it'll haunt me for the rest of my life. Like, I won't be able to just be done with this and move on._

_And she pushes me away? I mean… she pushed me away like she didn't know it was coming? She did get in the car, didn't she?_

"Hey. I'm s- I'm sorry, I just..."

"No..."

"I just... I was talking."

_Have you ever looked at someone and just felt like you had to kiss them? Like if you didn't, you wouldn't be able to stay sane?_

"No... whatever."

_Like looked at someone and still felt completely like… drawn to them, even if you know you could never have them?_

"So how come..."

He can't help but lean over and kiss her again, try to kiss her because he's been thinking about her so much and she's finally in front of him.

"Quit it!" Angela shoves him back hard and it surprises him since he's never had a girl reject him so violently. "I mean, you have to work up to that. I don't open that wide at the dentist."

_I rarely have these moments where I actually don't understand what happened. I've never had a moment where a girl actually pushed me away, for any reason._

_She did get in the car and she does hang out with Graff and it just doesn't make sense and now it's like weird or something and I still don't want her to go._

"How old are you?" He asks.

"I don't believe this. What is your point? Fifteen."

"You act younger."

_She acts… maybe not younger. Younger isn't the word, just completely inexperienced. She obviously has not ever kissed anyone. Wouldn't she have seen it coming? You get in a car with a guy who's like… two years older than you? What did she think would happen?_

"First of all, you don't know me well enough to say how old I seem. And second..."

"You talk a lot."

"I've said like eight sentences to you in my entire life."

"This whole day has been… one long thing that makes no sense."

_From Rick telling me I can only see Katie two hours a week, as if he wants to like… punish me because he got some married woman pregnant and then she died leaving him with a kid he didn't want._

_And the old man… screaming at me about a call from the school…_

_And now her. A girl actually like… pushing me away._

_It should make me hate her and instead it just makes me confused._

He leans back against the seat for a minute before remembering she's still there, surprised she is since he just tried to kiss her twice against her will.

He leans across her to open the door and-

_She smells like vanilla. I've never actually been this close to a girl who smells like vanilla._

"Well, I gotta go, so... later."

**9**

He can't believe he was truly that bored to have decided to go to algebra. He can count on one hand the number of times he's been to algebra in the past month, but for some reason he'd found himself wondering if it was still tedious and difficult.

_Yeah, this pretty much fucking sucks. Just like it did last month, just like it will next month._

_The math isn't extremely difficult but when they give half the test as reading problems…_

Jordan sinks down in his chair a bit more and looks around. That's when he first starts to notice a few people staring at him. A girl writes something down on a piece of paper and hands it to a friend and they both smile at him. He also notices Cynthia glaring at him and the guy sitting next to her just nods.

_What the fuck is going on?_

_Why does it always seem like there's some kind of private joke that I'm not in on?_

He's grateful the bell rings and he just heads out. He figures since math wasn't terrible, perhaps second period wouldn't be horrible either. But all throughout history, people are staring and he sees girls writing little notes and then looking at him.

_Does someone know? Like… how would someone know anything?_

Jordan's suddenly filled with a fear, one that he doesn't feel all that often, but hates. He replays in his mind every movement he's taken in the past few days, trying to determine if and when someone may have figured out that he can't read so good and he can't come up with one wrong move. He's become a pro at camouflaging himself in classes, when he attends.

He excuses himself to the bathroom and doesn't return to class, instead going for a smoke before his gym class, which is the one class he goes to with almost perfect attendance. It's the one he can do well in, despite having to change, which no one likes doing.

"Catalano, you dog, how was it?" Kevin asks as he walks into the locker room.

"Huh?" Jordan asks as he pulls his shirt off and stuffs it in his locker.

"What do you mean huh? Angela, how was it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You did it, right?"

"Yeaah," he says quietly. "How'd you find out?"

"I saw it, well… part of it anyway, not the good part."

_The good part? Of what? Of giving her the ID? Is that what he's talking about? He must be._

"It's like… all over school, ya know?"

"Why?" Jordan wonders as he ties his sneakers and looks around to see guys looking at him, trying to hear their conversation.

"Because it's like… that squeaky good girl, ya know? I mean… but it was good? I want details."

"It was fine and what do you mean you saw it?"

"I was driving around last night and saw your car parked on this road and you two were- well you know."

"Huh? We were…"

"CATALANO! BAKER! MOVE!" the coach bellows and waits as they head out to the gym.

_What is Kevin talking about? He saw- oh fuck! He thinks we had sex?! Me and her? Her and me? Is that what everyone is fucking talking about? Is that why they're staring?_

_Shit, did he start telling people we were having sex?_

"There she is, looking every so cheery," Kevin laughs as they stand in line to shoot hoops.

"What?" Jordan follows his gaze to where Angela and Graff are standing, staring out at the boys' class. He watches as a couple guys make eyes at her or attempt to say hello and she hides behind Graff quickly.

_She's not cheery; she's completely embarrassed. She's- people are talking about her like she's some sort of- like she's Cynthia or something and she's not. She could have been but she wasn't. It seems wrong somehow, like they shouldn't be talking about her._

Back in the locker room, he's quiet and manages to ignore Kevin's questions so he can listen to the rest of the guys and he somehow finds himself angry, for some reason. He's angry they're talking about her like they talk about Nancy or Cynthia or even Graff.

It's just wrong, to him, though he's not sure why it bothers him. They're all obviously in awe that he got this previously quiet, shy girl to finally put out, but-

_It just seems like… completely wrong that they're talking about her like she's some slutty girl. She's not. She's sweet and smart and not dumb enough to put out in a parked car, certainly not to someone like me. She deserves a little credit for that._

_And I certainly don't deserve to be attacked by Graff, but I know that's what's about to happen because she's yammering on about the gun or something and following me so that means she must have something to say about the rumor. Fucking Kevin._

"So, do you know what everyone is saying?"

"What?" Jordan asks, trying to play dumb just a little.

"Oh, about you and Angela. How you guys had sex."

"Who?"

"You and Angela."

"No. Who's saying that?"

_Who else is saying it? I mean… it's just a few classes, right? The ones that I have with Kevin?_

"I don't know. People. I mean. She told me the truth, of course."

_Fuck, that means it's out there, which I knew it would be and it shouldn't be. But woah- wait-_

"What truth?"

"How far you guys went, you know."

_How far we went? Did Angela start this too so she could… what? Get dates or something? Seems to me a girl who wouldn't even kiss me last night wouldn't want dates she gets because a rumor has it that she'll have sex with a guy in a car._

"Well. Yeah. Cause nothing happened."

_That's it. I have to go find and kill and destroy Kevin. How many people has he told? What exactly did he tell?_

"Right, so how come it's all over school. I mean, you're not talking it up like some low-life derelict cretin telling everyone you did her. Are you?"

He shakes his head slowly as he walks away, knowing he has to do something about it.

**To Be Continued**


	3. Chapters 10 thru 14

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 10-14 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 10 thru 14 of 100**

**10**

"Kevin!" Jordan yells as he runs down the hallway to catch up with his friends. "Kevin! I'm gonna kill you, Man."

"What?" Kevin asks as he and Shane stop and turn.

"What'd you do, Kev?" Shane asks.

"Nothing!"

"You fucking started the rumors about Angela and me," Jordan accuses. "Now it's all over school and they're treating her like… like she's Nancy."

"You honestly trying to tell us nothing happened, Catalano? I saw it! I saw you all over her. Just because you're ashamed or something-"

"I'm not! Nothing happened! I kissed her, that's all."

Jordan runs his hand through his hair and stares at his friend in frustration.

"You… kissed her? She fucking turned you down?" Shane asks, shocked at the surprising turn of events. He knows Jordan Catalano and girls don't turn him down. No girl turns down Jordan Catalano. He's never seen it. None of them have.

"OH my god!" Kevin bursts out laughing. "She said no?!"

"She didn't fucking say no, she just- it's not like that!" Jordan practically yells and slams Kevin loudly against the locker. "Stop it! She- it was never a thing!"

"Oh cut that out, you're so into her, like… into her into her. Like you like her or something," Shane says as he pulls Jordan away from Kevin. "Otherwise you wouldn't be here defending her and shit."

"I'm not."

_God, am I defending her? I mean… I'm not into her. I just don't want people thinking badly about her. That's all. Why is it that my friends suck sometimes? I fucking need new friends._

"You are, Catalano. You are so into her, you're angry at him over this," Shane points out.

"I am not. I just-"

"Please, I went around saying Cynthia gave you head in a movie theater and you didn't fucking care, Jordan. I say the squeaky little girl had sex with you, which is not nearly as slutty or anything, and you're slammin' me into lockers."

"I am not into her," Jordan insists. "It's just a lie. Cynthia did suck me off in a theater. You just shouldn't spread lies. If it is a slutty girl, fine, but she's not."

"You are so fucking into her and now the whole school knows it, so who cares?" Kevin laughs. "She'll get some attention and then it'll be over. Just… you may as well fuck her now. Damage is already done and she'll be more willing now."

_I often wonder why Kevin is my friend._

_What does he really do for me other than try and nail my "leftovers" as he calls them?_

_But he does have a point. If everyone thinks that… if… if I go around and say it's a lie or whatever, everyone will think I'm into her and that would probably be the worst thing ever._

_I'd never hear the end of it._

"Maybe she's not out of your league after all," Kevin laughs and heads off. "See you, Catalano. Oh look, there's your girlfriend."

"She is not my girlfriend," Jordan says quickly.

_She'd never be my girlfriend. A) because I don't do girlfriends and everybody knows that. B) because she's way too good for me. C) because I'm not into her._

"I'll prove it, okay?"

_As I walk up to her, I can't help but think about why we do what we do. Why I'm just going to walk up to her in the middle of the hallway, just to prove a point to my so-called friends, friends who I'm not sure I want anyway. When did life get this fucking confusing?_

She's staring at posters on the wall when he approaches her and he can't help but notice how she seems completely interested in it.

"That's good to know about," he says before he realizes it was a really stupid thing to say, but it was the only opener he had.

She turns quickly and agrees and he can't help but look at her eyes again.

"My uncle choked on a chicken bone."

_That is lame, even I have to admit that's lame. This is like… how I know I'm not into her. If I was into her, if I wanted to fuck her or something, I'd have a better line. I always have better lines._

_That thing in the car was just a moment. I was in a car with a girl and wanted to kiss her and that's not a crime. It's no big deal. When you're in a car with a girl, you're supposed to kiss. It has nothing to do with her because I'm not into her._

"Did he survive?"

"Yeah," he nods and stares as she does.

_She was so chatty in the car and then sometimes, it's like… she can't think of what to say either. I guess she's like me in that way anyway, that maybe she can't get things out either sometimes._

"Look, ah, I didn't say anything about- you know."

_And why does it matter? Why does it matter to me that she knows I didn't say anything?_

"I know."

"I just wanted you to know that."

"Thank you."

"Because I'm not like that. I- I don't do that."

_Ha! I do that. I do it all the time, just not with girls like you. And I sure as hell don't go spreading it around the school. No, I leave that to Kevin._

_So maybe I do do that._

"No.

_That's right. I do that. I mean… I'm Jordan Catalano, right? And she is not my girlfriend. I'll make it so she doesn't look at me again or wanna talk to me and then they can get off my back because I'm not into her._

"So weird, huh?" Jordan asks as he leans against the wall next to her and he's so close he can smell the vanilla again.

"Yeah, yeah."

"I mean the way people talk. I mean, people think we did it."

"I know."

_The way she whispers it, like it's some sort of secret, is like… completely sweet. I knew if I'd said that people think we fucked, she'd have probably run off quickly. She probably doesn't swear. Does she even know that word? She must. How could she not? Bbut she probably wouldn't ever use it._

"It's like we might as well done it anyway at this point."

"Oh."

He sees the flash of confusion sweep over her face, as if she knows what he's going to say, as if she knows he's about to be an asshole to her.

"I mean, at least- you know, I mean if everybody is talking about it already, maybe we ah- I mean, not to make a big deal of it or anything."

_**But to her? It's probably like… it'd be the biggest deal, especially since I bet she's never kissed anyone. Why am I such a jerk sometimes?**_

"Out of what?"

"Out of- out of anything- I mean if everybody's- already assuming it anyway. Maybe, we should… just…"

_Why does she have to smell so fucking amazing?_

_Why can't the girls that chase us around smell this good?_

_Why can't their lips look so-_

"I think-I have to go."

"Look, I'm sorry if I-"

"No, it's ok."

"No pressure or anything."

"I have to go."

"You could just think about it."

He watches her walk away and glances back to his friends who are laughing as they walk away.

His head falls back against the wall and he closes his eyes.

_What the hell did I just do?_

_I am like… so into her._

**11**

"JORDAN! Is that you?"

_Like… who the fuck else would it be?_

"Yeah," he answers as he shuts the door behind him and tries to dart up the stairs quickly.

"Get your ass in here, you little punk!"

_Fuck. What now?_

He walks back, leery of being in the same room with his old man. Just because he hasn't been hit in a couple years, doesn't mean it won't happen or can't happen again.

_In a strange, sick sort of way, I almost miss him hitting me. I think I'd prefer it to the constant insults and fear. I still can't believe I'm fucking still scared of the old man, even if I am seventeen, I know he's stronger than me._

_I don't know if that's normal or not, actually preferring violence over insults but… and I wish I could blame it on Mom dying, but the whole reason she got pregnant with some other guy's baby is because she didn't like how he treated us. I know she must have wanted to get us away from him. That's the only reason I can think why you'd cheat on your husband and risk the massive beating that would get._

_Right? Whatever._

"Yeah?" he asks and ducks as a beer bottle flies at his head.

_His aim is for shit now that he'd already had a few. Fucker. I can't fucking wait until I can get the hell out of here. I can't wait until this isn't my life. Why can't he just fucking die so I can just keep the house and be alone?_

"Why the fuck aren't you going to classes, you little fucker?! If you're not in class, then get a fucking job and pay your half of shit."

"I go to class, Dad."

_I wonder if he can tell how much I hate him when I say that word: Dad. I can't see how he wouldn't hear the hatred that drips from it now._

"That's not what your fucking teachers say when they call and bother me at work. We all agree you're a worthless piece of shit, but if you're too dumb to graduate, then get a fucking job."

"Fine. I'll get a job."

"You will get a fucking job. Your half is five hundred a month."

"That's bullshit!" Jordan almost yells. "I'm seventeen! I'm not giving you five hundred a month. Until I'm eighteen, you're responsible for me."

"I'll fucking show you responsible!" his father yells and starts undoing his belt.

"Whatever," Jordan says. "Just fucking try it again, old man. We'll see who shows who responsibility."

_I'm so grossly sick of this bullshit. I'm pissed that mother left me with this. I'm angry she didn't just fucking take me with her; it would have been kinder._

_But I'm fairly certain he won't chase me with a belt anymore. That hasn't happened since I was twelve. He is stronger than me still but lazier too._

Jordan goes up the stairs, ignoring the screams that follow him. His stomach is growling but he won't go back downstairs. He knows it's best not to chance it until the old man passes out.

Instead, he picks up the phone after locking his door.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Rick, it's Jordan. Can I talk to Katie?"

"She's busy."

"C'mon, Rick, please? She's my baby sister."

_Why do I always have to beg to talk to her or see her? She's the only thing I have and he fucking keeps her from me like I'm some kind of criminal._

"Five minutes. Katie, come to the phone. It's Jordan."

"Jordie!" he hears the little girl's squeals of delight and the approach of loud feet. "Jordie! Hi!"

"Hey, Katie. How was school?"

"Good. That stupid Gary was so mean though. I told him my big brother would beat him up."

"What'd he do?" he asks as he turns one of rings around his finger as he lays back on his bed.

"He told Amy that I liked him and she told everyone! And now everyone hates me. They're saying mean things about me and I hate it. He's so mean, you have to punch him."

_This whole thing reminds me of Angela. Shit I handled that all bad. I have to fix that tomorrow some how._

"Did you tell people you didn't like him and that Amy had lied?"

"Yeah, but they didn't believe me."

"You… should talk to Amy. Try and get her to tell people the truth. That's… the only thing you can do."

"So are you taking me to the movies this weekend?"

"I hope so. I'll talk to Rick again, okay? But he gets busy with you and sometimes it just doesn't work out. But I'll try my best. I promise. I'd love to take you, ya know?"

_Just the sound of her voice sometimes can make me way happier than I was when I first pick up the phone. What is it about little kids that does that?_

_Maybe like… if she were here all the time and shit, I'd hate having her around, but I don't know. She's just… the only thing real in my life beside my music, and even that could use improvement._

"Hey, who is the absolute best girl in the world?"

"Um… Amy?"

"No, you know who."

"It's me! Katie. But you promise you'll try hard to come this weekend?"

"I promise, but if I can't, I'll call, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, Jordie."

"I love you too, Katie. Sleep tight, okay?"

"Kay. You too."

_And then she hangs up and when that happens, it always makes me a bit sad. It's like… I try not to imagine what might have happened, but how would life be different if Mom had gotten us both out of here? How would life have been had she married Rick?_

_Would it still be so shitty? I doubt it._

_But one thing is clear: I have to sort this shit out with Angela tomorrow in some way._

**12**

He decides the best course of action is to find her instead of his friends, before he can hear their bullshit.

Luckily, she's walking up the stairs as he passes them and he's able to find some words easier than he thought he'd be able to.

"Angela. Can I talk with you for a second? How you doing?"

_This would be a lot easier if I still believed I wasn't into her._

_This would be a lot easier if I wasn't a complete moron as well._

"You know. Life goes on."

"Look, I was thinking about what I said to you. Yesterday? You know, the thing."

"Right. The thing."

"Yeah, look, I- I'm sorry about that. Afterwards, I thought it through and I, mean, I can see how you got upset about it."

"No, I wasn't upset."

"I mean, some girls wouldn't be, but, you, you're not like that, so, I just wanted to say, you know, I'm sorry."

"No, it's really ok. I mean, it wasn't a problem. I mean, really, I didn't think about it."

_She didn't think about it at all? Then what was the whole fucking point? Did she really just want the ID? Then why did Graff make up this whole- we have to go to Angela shit the other night?_

_This is why I don't do girlfriends._

"I mean I did think about it, and I thought maybe what you were saying wasn't so wrong."

_Woah, what?_

"No, it-it was really wrong."

"Why?"

_I ignore the question because she won't like the answer. It was wrong because she's not a slut. She's not- she's not anything that should be hanging out with me. She shouldn't even be hanging out with Graff. I don't see that ending well, but that's her business._

"And I just want to let you know that if it will make you feel better I'm just going to make it real clear that I-I don't like have any real interest in you or anything. You know. So they'll stop saying all that."

"Oh."

_She looks… disappointed._

_Is she into me?_

_No, she wouldn't be._

"You know, that I barely even know you, which is, of course, true, and that basically, you and I mean nothing to each other. So that should solve the problem."

He walks up a few steps and hears her thank him.

_Could she possibly be into me? I mean… her? No. That's-_

"It's the least I could do, you know," he responds, leaning down a bit to inhale the vanilla.

"Right."

_There. It's done. Now for everyone else. I think I made that pretty public since that Janet girl who seems to know everything about everyone was right there. She'll spread it around and by the afternoon, it'll be done._

_Jordan Catalano has no interest in Angela Chase and they never did anything._

_She's go back to being her and I'll be me._

"Shane!" he calls down the hall and catches up to him. "Hey. So I'm ditching at least three classes today, possibly four. Just to fucking piss the old man off. What do you think?"

"Sounds like an afternoon at the park," he laughs. "So what's new? You dating her yet?"

"Fuck no. The rumor is on its way to being taken care of and that's that."

"Except you're still into her," he says as they walk toward Shane's locker.

_I know I am, but that'll pass. That's… it's like a dream. It'll go away as soon as I open my eyes._

"No I'm not," Jordan repeats.

"C'mon, no one else is here. Kevin's not here. Admit it. Admit that you're into her."

Fuck. Okay, I glance around and there really isn't anyone around so-

"Okay. Yes. I'm into her, just a little, but it's no big deal. She's obviously not into me since she didn't really like… kiss me back or seem into it, so…"

"Except she's been staring at you all the time though, so I hear."

"Girls stare, but that doesn't mean anything and beside, he's right. She's… out of my league."

"I agree there. That is not a boiler room kind of girl. That's a 'come meet my parents' kind of girl. That's a girlfriend kind of girl who wants things that you will not give."

"Oh, I'd give it," he laughs because making the innuendo is easier than thinking about what things she might want that he wouldn't give, that he couldn't give.

"Well here comes your chance to give it. That Chrissy girl is on her way over and she looks hot in that sexy little mini-skirt."

Jordan turns and can't help it when his pants tighten.

_Okay, she's… asking for it and what better way to solidify the 'I have no interest in Angela' than to take a very obvious trip to the boiler room with someone else._

**13**

The one and only reason Jordan Catalano started going to English more was not because of the constant threats to his personal safety at home. It wasn't the innate desire to learn or figure out how to finally pass the tenth grade either. And it sure as hell wasn't because he longed to read some old book or stupid poems by anyone. And it may have been because the English teacher had quit and there had been a rash of substitutes and very little work to earn credit, which was also mildly appealing.

All would have been perfectly respectable reasons, but the one and only reason was one desk in front of him and smelled of vanilla.

The little contact he had had with her since the sex scandal that blew over quickly had been pleasant and he usually got an awkward "hello" and a smile from her when he breezed by her to take his seat in English.

And there was the vanilla, of course.

Granted, that didn't matter when he'd gotten little sleep the previous night because of his old man's screaming, followed by boozing and another visit from his loud, obnoxious whore of a girlfriend who took over bitching at him when his father had passed out.

"So, um, are we like, dismissed?"

_Dismissed? Is it that time already? I didn't think I'd slept that long._

"Do you want to be dismissed?"

Jordan sits up and stretches the sleepiness away a bit. He steals a glance at the bright red hair in front of him and then to the new substitute.

"No, you just said that- you just said that was all you had to say, so…"

"Ah, I will be here for the next forty-seven minutes. Whether you will also be here for that time is, to be candid, your decision."

_Did he just say we can go? I mean… like just go? If he says we can go, then it's not skipping class, right?_

"What's the catch?"

"No catch. You don't want to be here. Go. I'm not going to stop you."

_Well if he's not going to stop me, then I'm going to sleep in the back of my car because it's much more comfortable than these damn desks._

"Well, you know, there is just, you know, one catch. We will be discussing you in your absence. But, you know, if you don't mind that."

_Huh? People laugh and he's gotta be joking. Right?_

"Yeah, right."

"It's no joke. I have no lesson planned. Trashing you in your absence, will help, uh, pass the time. Right? Yeah, ah, it could, ah, possibly be educational as well."

Jordan stands there for a minute and looks at the guy, waiting to be told to sit back down, or waiting to have eyes rolled at him because he knows teachers find him a big waste of time. He knows he is.

But this guy doesn't do any of that. He pulls his socks up.

_What is it with this guy? He'll let me go and bust me later?_

"So what are we suppose to do?"

_And then of course there's her voice. If I leave, I don't get to hear it._

_And why am I so fucking into her still? This should be over by now but it's not._

For the first time ever, Jordan Catalano walks back to his desk and sits down instead of leaving a class.

Granted, he puts his head back down but he stays.

And he returns the next day as well.

"Hey," he nods to Angela who nods back.

_I wonder if she ever thinks about that night in my car and wishes she'd kissed me back._

He sits in class wondering about that and wondering what'll happen when he gets home because he forgot to take the garbage out.

And when class is done the words keep echoing in his mind: Don't you dare play dumb with me again.

He can't get those words out of his head the rest of the day because no one has ever said anything like that to him. Ever.

_Don't you dare play dumb with again._

_What did he mean?_

_I mean I knew the answer after a second but like… if you give one right answer, they expect more and the questions get harder or become based on some book we're reading and that's where I fall apart._

_Fuck._

He bangs his head back against his locker and watches Angela walk down the hallway, followed Graff and Rickie.

"You are so whipped, Catalano. You may as well just fucking ask her out," Shane says quietly and Jordan turns to face him. "You can buy a ring that says yours forever and drive her to and from school and sock hops. It'll be so cute."

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not in the mood."

"I just think it's time to get that girl out of your head. Come to Let's Bolt tonight. Beer for a dollar and that means the girls will be loose."

"Yeah, maybe," he nods and hears Angela and Graff walking back.

"And then he threw our papers out the window! Out the window! Mine was in there with my name on it with some stupid poem about an oak tree. I don't want that circulating around!"

"Oh yeah," Graff laughs. "That'd be way more embarrassing and hurtful than the rumor about having sex with Catalano."

"That was false, but the poem thing could just follow me around forever and it's not even about that. It's about just throwing our work out the window. I worked fairly hard on that for a change and now it's just gone."

_She seems older now and I wonder if it's because she is actually older or because I know her a little bit more now…_

He turns away from the hall toward the wall when he sees that substitute walking toward the stairs near them.

"Hey!"

"I think that teacher is talking to you, Catalano," Shane says.

"Yeah?" Jordan turns.

"I meant it. I'm on to you."

_Don't you dare play dumb with me again._

_And now he remembers who I am? He doesn't know me, but he knows I was just in his class. Half my teachers might not even have recognized me after ten minutes._

"Okay," Jordan nods as Mr. Racine heads off and leaves them.

**14**

Against his better judgment, he returns day after day. Partly to see her and partly because whenever he sees Mr. Racine in the hallway in between classes or before school, he gets the feeling that he really is on to him.

Jordan walks in and takes his seat in class. The desks are arranged in a semi-circle and he chooses a seat where he'll be able to watch her and also hide. Today is reading day where they're going to hear what people have had to say. He wants to hear what others have been writing and in some strange way, he wants to hear if his gets read and if people laugh at its simplicity. But… he wrote it. He worked hard on it. It's one of the only assignments he's ever done for real.

He's decided that if it gets to his turn to read, if he can't avoid it at all, he'll just make a scene and leave. Better that than the embarrassment of not being able to read something.

Like that book that Racine had given him the previous week when Racine said he wanted to hear him more. No teacher had ever said that to him, ever. No teacher wants to hear anything that Jordan Catalano has to say. But Racine does. So Jordan worked hard to put it down and find the words he'd wanted.

He watches as Angela and her friends walk in and she smiles at him.

_She's pretty. Not pretty pretty. She's not like the like… model types or anything. But she's pretty because she doesn't know she is. She's pretty because she doesn't see herself as anything special._

_She's uncommon._

_And I am still so into her._

_But I think, based on the fact that Shane and Kevin haven't given me shit about it lately, that I've done a pretty good job of making the school believe I have no real interest in her at all._

"Okay," Racine says as he walks in with a brown bag filled with papers he's collected over the past couple days. "Everybody gets one just reach in and pick your destiny."

Jordan sits and listens as his classmates read some. Some are sort of stupid, about dresses or whatever, but a couple are funny, like the kid driving off a cliff with his father's car.

_Though why wouldn't he just send his dad off the cliff… that's what I'd do. Or I wish I could._

"This one has a title," Rickie says. "It's called the Fable."

Jordan happens to be staring at Angela, one of his new favorite hobbies, when Rickie starts reading and she looks completely uncomfortable.

_This is hers. I know it. She wouldn't look like that if it wasn't._

"Once upon a time there lived a girl. She slept in a lovely little cottage made of ginger bread and candy. She was always asleep. One morning she woke up, and the candy had mold on it. Her father blew her a kiss and the house fell down. She realized she was lost. She found herself walking down a crowded street. But the people were made of paper. Like paper dolls. She blew everyone a kiss good bye and watched as they blew away. "

"Huh? Why are you laughing?"

"Because it doesn't make any sense."

_Yes it does. It's… like her life. My life._

_Life in general._

_Like one morning you wake up and realize it could all just blow away, like my mother did. And then you're lost and it's like… I'm surrounded by all these people but I'm completely alone. People just blow away…_

_I don't think I've ever wanted to kiss her more than I do right now._

"Ah, yeah, yeah, that's true. But, um, it does better then make sense. It- makes you feel. It makes you wonder. It wakes you up. Ok, has everyone read? Brian. Read."

"I'm not going to read this."

"Just read."

"Look, I really-"

"Read it."

"It's called Haiku for Him? He peels off my cloths like a starving man would peel an orange."

_Woah, okay that's not going to help me not wanting to kiss her._

"His lips taste my j-juicy-" Everyone snickers and that kid with the curly hairs says, "I refuse to read this."

_Taste my juicy what? Who wrote that?_

_Judging by the way it's written, I'm guessing a girl since that weird Rickie kid wouldn't have a juicy anything for him to taste. So it's definitely a girl. Of course Graff…_

"His lips taste my juicy sweetness. My legs tangle with his. We become one being. A burning furnace, in the cold cement basement of love."

_Okay, that was hot and it's funny how most girls look away or blush and look at their desk, except for Graff of course. But did she write something like that? She wouldn't be so like… romantic like that. Not the way Tino talks about how she is anyway._

_Angela definitely didn't write it but she's not blushing as much as a few other girls which means… she's thought about it. I wonder if she's thought about it with me…_

"Hormones. What would we do without them. Comments. Questions."

"Who, ah, who wrote that?"

"Ok. Is this a real haiku? Jordan."

_Why does he always fucking do this?_

_It's like I'm the only one he ever asks questions to._

"I don't know," Jordan shrugs as he tugs on his sleeve.

"Yeah, well, find out. Huh?" Mr. Racine throws a dictionary at Jordan a bit angrily. "Look up Haiku. Now."

_Fuck. How in the hell do you spell Haiku? Definitely starts with an H, but… after that I'm clueless._

"Yes, the ever popular Miss Graff."

_Oh thank god. Maybe she'll distract him. Class isn't that much longer._

"Just cause it's not a real haiku, that doesn't mean you're not going to print it in the paper right. Cause it's real, in-in the sense that it's true to life."

"You're going to print that in the Lit?"

"I don't see why not."

"All right, Vic."

_I've never been so grateful to hear the bell in all my life._

"Yeah, come on. Get out of here. Give me your work back. Gently. One at a time. One at a time. Don't screw 'em up. Gently. Give me the work. Don't drop them on the floor. Pick 'em up."

_Maybe I should like… talk to Angela. I mean… if I did, it wouldn't be like I was interested. I could just like make a comment about the story like I thought it was someone else's._

Jordan hangs back a bit but notices Angela's waiting for Racine so he decides to leave.

"Jordan. Come here. I'm not finished with you yet."

_Fuck. What does he want? To make my life hell?_

He watches Angela walk out.

"What?" he asks.

"Sit down."

"I have a class to get to."

"You don't go to your classes. I told you not to play dumb with me. But you come to this one, so sit down."

Jordan watches as Racine pulls out a book and sits next to him.

"Here. Page five."

"I'm not reading this. No one else is."

"Read. Page five. Don't play dumb. Read it."

_My heart is pounding so hard, I can barely hear anything else as I look at the damn page five._

"The moon's-"

_Fuck. I don't know the next one._

"What's that word? Don't look at the window. What's the word?"

_I refuse. If I'm quiet, he'll let me go. They always do because they get frustrated._

"Uh, what's the sound?"

_Nope. Not happening. He thinks he has anything to hold over my head? Bullshit._

"Ok. Finish the chapter and the next ten poems tonight."

"What? Are you crazy?"

_He must be fucking insane because I'm not doing that._

"Yeah, good question. Look, this is haiku poetry. Haiku poetry contains only seventeen syllables per poem. That ain't a lot a syllables. Don't skip any. Get out of my sight."

_FUCK this!_

_And fuck him if he thinks I'm going to read these fucking things or ever got to class again._

**To Be Continued**


	4. Chapters 15 thru 19

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 15-19 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic  
**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 15 thru 19 of 100**

**15**

Jordan has no idea what sends him to Racine's room after school when he's never ever been after school for anything ever.

He walks in and Racine is sitting at his desk sorting through the papers from the bag.

He stands in the doorway and just waits to be noticed.

"Are you waiting for an engraved invitation to come in? Or will you just stand there the entire afternoon?"

Racine doesn't look up.

Jordan stands there a bit longer.

"If you don't want me to see you, it's too late."

"I'm not reading this," Jordan states and tosses the book across the room and it lands on the desk. "No one else has to and you can't just give me extra homework because you want to."

"I gave you the extra homework because you need it."

"Fuck you," Jordan says and as soon as it leaves his lips, he regrets it.

_Shit. Okay, I've cut classes and shit, but never said that to a teacher._

"Fuck me?" Racine says and finally looks up. "Fuck you if you think you're going to float through life like this. Wake up, Jordan. The word was illuminating but you'd have figured it out if you'd tried."

Jordan has nothing to say. He's stunned that Racine swore back.

"Why are you satisfied with playing dumb?"

"Ask around, I'm not playing," Jordan says, realizing it was a stupid thing to say, but not being able to think of anything else.

"Oh?" Racine stands up and grabs a piece of paper off his desk. "Not playing? You're just a stupid kid, right? That's bullshit and you know it."

Racine looks down at the paper and starts to read:

//What if I wanted to break

Laugh it all off in your face

What would you do?

What if I wanted to fight

Beg for the rest of my life

What would you do?//

_Does he know that's mine? Or did he just pick one out of the bag?_

Jordan listened to his own words read back to him and felt his heart pounding because he realized he wanted to know what Racine thought of those words.

"Is that from a dumb kid? Dumb kids don't write stuff like that. They write about dress shopping in the store, Jordan. Dumb kids don't write stuff that moves people, that tells a story, that makes me wonder who you're fighting."

Jordan stood frozen, looking at Racine.

"Dumb kids couldn't figure out how to avoid being noticed. But I told you, I'm on to you and one of these days, you'll have to face the truth."

_What truth? There's a part of me that wants to hear him say it and I don't know why._

_There's also a part of me that wants to run like hell but I can't move._

"You are not dumb, Jordan, and I told you not to play dumb with me again. So tell me why you refuse to read those poems."

"I'm not doing what the other kids don't-"

"Don't bullshit me!" Racine snaps and slams his hand down on the desk. "YOU say it. I won't. Tell me why you refuse to read those poems, Jordan."

"I… I… can't."

The words escape his lips and as soon as they're out, he instantly regrets them. He regrets going to class in the first place. He regrets wanting to see Angela enough to go.

"No, you can't," Racine sighs. "But that's not your fault and anyone who says otherwise is the real dummy. So don't play dumb with me again. Got it?"

Jordan nods and Racine throws the book back at him.

"Read them. Circle the words you don't know and read the words you can. Then come tomorrow and tell me what you think they're about."

"What?"

"If I'm going to help you, I need to know how much you really do understand and how much you can read."

"You're-"

"Going to help you? Yes. I am a teacher, right? I'm supposed to teach? They didn't hire me for my charm and youthful smile."

Jordan stares for a minute more, still stunned, and then looks down at the book.

"Okay," he nods as he turns and walks out.

**16**

_Is it completely sad when I actually want to come to class?_

_What kind of a slacker am I if I get to school early and actually go in instead of smoking?_

_But I actually… I locked myself in my room as usual last night and did what he told me to. I circled all the words I didn't know and read the ones I could. Then I wrote down a couple sentences of what I thought it was about._

"Mr. Racine?" Jordan asks as he walks in and finds him sitting in his chair already with the newspaper.

"Jordan, how'd the reading go? You do it?"

"Yeah, I- tried. Here. I wrote down a couple sentences on each one, what I thought it was about and circled the words I didn't know."

He hands out the book and the paper with his notes.

"I circled 'em in pencil so you could erase them or whatever later."

"Oh, thanks," Racine says and takes the book. "And how did you like them?"

Jordan shrugs. "A few I really didn't know hardly anything, but a couple I liked. Not as colorful as the one from class, but... I tried."

"You did indeed," Racine nods as he looks down the paper and sees how hard Jordan must have worked on it. "I'll read over your notes during lunch and maybe you could come after school again today? Stay for a little longer this time? I'll try to put together a few things for you with what I think will help."

"Okay," Jordan nods and turns to leave but stops a bit short of the door. "Thanks," he says quickly before walking out.

_The hallway is pretty empty right now. I actually don't think I've ever been in the building this early before ever. But I'm sure as hell not going to stay right now. I don't think I need to sit through first period again this week. I already went once._

Jordan walks out and sits on the hood of car to observe everyone arriving and pouring out of the buses, finding himself looking for one particular person.

Angela's wearing a red shirt and overalls and he's not sure if he's ever seen a girl wear overalls and look so pretty.

"Catalano, band practice today," Shane announces, hopping up on the hood.

"Oh, okay. I'll be there. When?"

"Right after school."

"Oh… I can't. I have this thing to do for like… an hour."

"Unless that thing has boobs, it's not worth it," Kevin laughs as he jumps up onto the hood, standing behind Jordan and Shane. "Oh look! There are a couple now!" He laughs and points toward Angela and Rickie.

"Would you shut the fuck up and get off my car?" Jordan says, yanking on one of Kevin's feet so he falls and lands on the ground.

_I don't think she heard, did she? If she did, she'd look like she had and she doesn't. And that's good._

"So you're ditching the band for what?" Shane wonders.

"I just have this thing after school and if I don't go, I may get suspended or something. So… I have to go. It won't be for long though."

"Fine, fine. So where are we going for lunch today? I feel the need to not be in school," Shane laughs. "And I gotta get away from Amy. She's buggin' me too much. Too needy."

"I don't know. If I miss my English class, I'll be like… after school for the rest of my life," Jordan says, not wanting to skip English, though not because of Angela now. But… because of himself.

_He knows now so he won't be asking me questions he knows I can't answer, right? Or at least he won't be asking me to look up words and shit._

"What? You're going? To class?" Kevin asks, staring at Jordan, stunned. "Why? English? Really? Have a burning desire to read Romeo and Juliet?"

"Hey, you hear about that teacher though? That new guy?" Shane wonders. "Apparently people like him."

"Mr. Racine," Jordan says. "And yeah, people do. He's… real. He's not spouting the same bullshit."

Then Jordan pushes himself up and tosses his cigarette before heading off. He figures he may as well go to first and see what's going on. Maybe there will be a substitute.

Of course there wasn't but for a change, he won't to most of his classes and actually brought a few papers from them after school with him.

"Jordan, I hope you'll stay longer than yesterday."

"Yeah," he nods as he walks to one of the desks.

"No, here. Sit here." Racine gets up and leaves the chair behind his desk empty. "It uh… it's nice. Gives you a different perspective of the room. See?"

Jordan sits and it is better than the student desks.

"I went over your notes. You shouldn't be surprised by the fact that you did understand some of them quite well."

"Some? What? Two?"

"Well three or four, but that's a start," Racine says. "I have a few books for you, really childish stuff. I didn't have time to get to a store yet to pick up some more adult easy readers, but I will."

"You don't have to," Jordan says as he looks at one of the workbooks Racine puts down on the desk.

"I will. You're what? Sixteen?"

"Seventeen," Jordan corrects him.

"Seventeen year old men shouldn't learn to read with a second grade reader. I'll find something more interesting. But this will get us started."

_Am I a man? I've never heard a teacher refer to us as men, just kids or boys._

"I actually… I brought a few things? From my other classes that I can't… like the math problems? Like… I can do math if it's just the math. But then the word problems or directions mess me up."

"Well then we'll start there, since that's more pressing. Let me see them. If I read them to you, maybe you'll know what it means?"

"Maybe," Jordan shrugs and pulls out a pencil from his pocket so he can work.

_Am I actually going to do my homework?_

They work for nearly two hours before Jordan remembers band practice and he figures Mr. Racine probably wants to go home anyway.

"So same time tomorrow?" Racine asks. "Work on those pages in the workbook. You understand the basics of phonics, which is when you get that letters make sounds and when you put them together, they form words. You have basic reading, but you fall apart when putting them together and more complex words. So those pages should start to help a little."

"Okay," Jordan nods and takes the workbook from the desk.

"Drop it off tomorrow morning so I can see and bring anything you need to work on for your classes tomorrow afternoon."

"I-" Jordan pauses, not knowing what he really wants to say. "Just thanks."

"No problem," Racine answers. "Toothpick?" he asks and offers one to Jordan.

"Sure. Later."

**17**

Jordan's surprised and a bit disappointed when he walks in to drop off the book the next morning and Racine isn't there.

He waits a few minutes before heading to his car and throughout the morning, he keeps looking for Racine and he never shows.

He hears students talking, rumors and whatnot but hopes they're wrong.

He shows to English early and Racine still isn't there and everyone is complaining about the Lit.

_Who cares about the stupid Lit?! What about me?! Did they actually fire him? Is he really gone? He wanted to actually help me. He was going to help me!_

He stands leaning against the window as the principal walks in.

"Will everyone please take their seats?"

_I am not sitting. If this bastard fucking calls my dad all the time to get me in trouble and then fired the one good teacher they had?_

"As some of you know, I have read the Liberty Lit and found certain materials in it unacceptable. Those of you who have copies will please bring them to the administrative offices."

"Excuse me?"

"Yes, the young lady right there."

"How can you say it's unacceptable if nobody is allowed to see it?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with it?"

"Can I just say something?"

"Alright, that's enough. I must hold school authorized publications to certain standards of decency. Anyone found distributing the journal will be suspended from school. That's a promise. A new substitute will be here in a minute to work with you until we find a permanent replacement. Is that clear?"

_A replacement?! A fucking replacement?!_

"Hey, it's him. It's Mr. Racine."

Everyone rushes to the window and screams and Jordan just watches him walking down the stairs, his last hope, the only teacher to ever actually know Jordan Catalano.

"Kindly take your seats!" Mr. Foster says.

_I don't know if I've felt so hopeless in a long time, at least since the last time Dad threw me into the counter._

_He's gone. He was going to actually teach me. He fucking helped me with my homework! I actually did my homework and they just fire him?_

"All that crap about honesty and truth. What a jerk! He didn't even teach."

"He did teach," Jordan says quickly, unable to keep silent, unable to just let it out a bit.

"What?" the curly hair kid asks.

"He was the best teacher I ever had."

_He was the only teacher I ever had! What have the others done?_

_And of course now I know I've said this in front of everyone and it's… like Jordan Catalano actually cares? I see it on their faces, all of their faces: the shock of it all._

_Except hers. She just looks at me like… like she understands._

"Well, he was," he sighs and sits back down, knowing it's all just gone again.

He smells Angela's vanilla as she jogs by him and out the door and he thinks of going with them but doesn't see the point.

_You can't stop people from leaving. You can never stop people from leaving if they want to go or have to go. Right? If I've learned anything in my life, it's that._

_And he's gone. So much for doing my homework._

Jordan simply sits, stunned, sad.

"As for today, it's a study hall and we have another teacher coming in to sit with you all."

"This is crap," Jordan says as he stands. "This is complete crap. You finally get a real teacher in here and you send him away?"

"Mr. Catalano, just sit down and get out some work."

"No," Jordan says. "If it's a study hall, I'm leaving."

"Mr. Catalano, sit down!" Mr. Foster yells. "Sit down or you'll find yourself in my office."

"That's right, that's your solution for everything. If you bothered to find out anything about your students, maybe we'd want to stay in class!"

"That's it. Let's go. My office. Now."

"Whatever," Jordan shrugs as he walks out, down the hall and out of the building.

_Fuck this._

**18**

_This is the type of school I could really get used to. Ya know… the kind where we're not actually in school?_

_Where we're walking around this museum looking at art. At naked art too. Well… some of it._

_There are like… all these statues of rock or whatever and they seem so… tall. Like… there were people that used to do this as their job. They would sit and carve stone into people, just… for decoration or something. It's kind of… weird. I guess._

_And the other thing that's weird is that every time I look at Angela, it seems like she's looking at me._

_I'm beginning to think more and more that she's into me._

_I want to say something, anything, but it always like… I keep remembering that we tried this and she wasn't interested in what I have._

_Still, she keeps looking me. I think._

Jordan smiles to himself as he and Angela seem to dance around the statues, stealing glances at each while he tries to think of something good to say, something real.

He finds her staring at a statue in a room and starts humming because it's the only thing he can think of.

"I've been humming this tune all day," he says, crossing his arms.

"Oh, like, you can't get it out of your mind, or something?"

_I'm glad I'm not the only one who sometimes says the most ridiculous things. And then she looks away like… like she can't believe she said that._

_I still think she's out of my league, but… I think she's into me._

"I could use a cup of coffee," he says, hoping that maybe she'd… want to have some? He knows it's a lame line but if one of them doesn't speak, it'll be awkward and he needs confirmation one way or the other.

"You drink coffee?"

"Yeah."

"With, like, cream or..."

"Black, with three or four sugars. Anyway..." he starts to walk away when she interrupts excitedly.

"What is that song? Is, is that a, a Crowded House song?"

"No, uh, just this... song that I'm writing. I'm in this band now, Frozen Embryos, you know? With Tino? So you should hear us some time, we're startin' to sound okay. Uh, not really, but..."

_There. I put it out there. I like… asked her to go somewhere, right?_

"Uh, that's, that's great. I, I would love to, I mean, I-"

"Angela! Angela!"

_Dammit Graff. Why is she always interrupting or something? But she did say she wanted to hear us. She… if she didn't give a shit or wasn't interested, she wouldn't have said yes, right?_

"Yeah well, anyway."

He heads off to look at something else or just not be near her since Graff is there.

He walks into another room with more statutes and notices a few pieces of paper on top of one of the glass cases.

_What the hell is this? It's like five pages long or something and- woah. Wait. Dear Jordan? It starts off Dear Jordan?_

_Dear Jordan, it's… diff- diffi- difficult to- fuck. Why can't I fucking do this when it's important?_

He takes it and starts walking as he flips to the last page to see if it's signed by someone. Who would have written him a five page letter and why?

_Bye, Angela._

_WOAH! Angela wrote me a five page long letter?_

_Why would she have done that? I have to fucking figure out what's in this letter because if I don't… if I don't, I'll bother me forever._

He folds it up and tucks it in his pocket and hums as he walks by where Angela and Graff are still talking.

All night long he looks over the five pages, reading some of the shorter sentences. Long ones always get too complicated because he gets tripped up with them. But he reads what he can and how she tells him he never knew her and acted like a jerk and then asked her to have sex with him anyway.

He picks out that she's been watching him for months and how he could have been better.

_It's like… she's talking to me like… like she knows anything about me, like we're friends or something. Or more than friends. She wants to be more than friends. I know that much because it's a five page letter basically yelling at me for things that I didn't do or aren't my fault._

_She's into me._

_Angela Chase is into me. Or… was._

**19**

He goes to English class the next day, with the letter in his pocket. It's hers and she should have it back. He's sure she never intended him to see it. He doesn't know why she exactly wrote it, but he knows when she walks up to him, that she clearly thinks he knows about it.

"Look, yesterday, on that field trip, this is gonna sound a little weird, but-"

"Oh, I, I almost forgot."

_As if I really could._

"Here." He hands it to her and her fingers are a mere inch from his. "I found it at the museum. You, you wrote it, right?"

"Yeah, when I, I wrote this, I wrote this about someone else."

_The way she tucks her hair behind her ears all the time is… it's a nervous habit of hers and it's just… I don't know._

"Um... I, this guy, I, I had a boyfriend last summer, and, um, I, I, I wrote everything... I wanted to remember him, and I... I used your name because I, I wanted... uh, I didn't want other people to know it was about him, because he... he died... he's dead."

_I watch as she rambles, trying to explain or talk her way out of it and she hasn't had much practice at lying, has she? I could have done that so much better._

"Look, I didn't read it, okay? So, so you don't have to, like tell me-"

"What, you expect me to believe that?"

_She says that like she's mad at me now. She's the one who lost it or left it in the first place and she's mad at me?_

"Well, I don't care what you believe!"

"Well, you find a five page letter in a museum and it starts, 'Dear Jordan,' and you expect me to believe you didn't read it?"

_I have to get out of here now. I… she's into me. I know she is because she's denying this whole thing too much but I have to get out of here before she like… asks me what exactly I thought or something because I won't be able to tell her what it was about, specifically. She can't know. If she knows, I'll… it'll be over._

"Uh, never mind." _I have to get out of here. _"Look, I, I, I read parts of it, okay?"

"What? You must really think I'm stupid."

_I have no fucking clue what I've been thinking all this time, why I've been thinking this would be in any way a good idea. What the hell? Did I have some kind of episode? Have I gone absolutely crazy?_

_To even have talked to her? This whole thing is… crazy! So what if I might be a little into her, it doesn't matter. She'd- what? She's like…attracted to me or something, fine. Girls are, but for me to even think I could even have a shot?_

_For me to even think of her in any way is just… stupid. It proves my point._

_I have to make sure she won't ever, ever, think of me like however she thought of me. I have to make sure she won't want to keep like… thinking about me or smiling at me._

"It just didn't hold my interest, okay?"

_That should do it. That should just… reinforce the rules. The rules that she and I are like… classmates and that's it. That's all it is and all it should be._

"Oh, really? Why, why is that?

_Fuck. She makes things complicated. That's what she is- a huge complication._

He tries to walk by her, to escape, and then he feels her hand on his chest, pushing him back and it's like… he's not even sure but he knows he just wants her hands anywhere and everywhere on his body.

"I'm curious, I'd really like to know what it was that made it so incredibly boring."

He turns from her since he knows she won't let him leave and he doesn't know what to say. He just knows, he feels it coming- she'll figure it out or he'll yell it at her or something and he doesn't want to be facing her when it's said.

"Just tell me, was it, was it, is it, it too emotional, too personal, too many big words-"

"Just shut up! Jeez."

_Fuck. It… it was too many big words. It was big words and long rambling sentences and fucking punctuation that doesn't make any sense._

_She's quiet and I know. I know she'll say it soon. I know she will._

_She's too smart not to and how the hell am I going to get away from her before she does?_

_I just want her to go. I want her to leave. I want to turn around and not see anyone. She can laugh or tell everyone. I don't care. I just want to not see her face._

_If I stand here and stare at the window long enough, she'll go._

_She will. She-_

"You couldn't read it."

Suddenly, he wants the world to swallow him whole. He's never felt so ashamed, of anything. He's not even embarrassed; he's ashamed. Ashamed of himself for just laughing it off or not telling anyone, ashamed for acting dumb, for playing stupid so no one would catch on, so his friends wouldn't know.

"That's it, isn't it?"

"I never told anyone... before."

_Except Racine, but…he figured it out on his own, just like her._

_Only difference was he wasn't supposed to laugh, she can._

He somehow manages to turn, he finds the courage to turn and face her.

_If I see her break out laughing, if I see how fucking stupid she thinks I am now that I'm seventeen and can't read, she'll- it'll be over. It'll… if I see it?_

_I know I'll get her out of my head. I'll get over this stupid crush or whatever, and it'll be done._

But she's not laughing. She's looking at him, looking into his eyes like she somehow gets it, gets him, like she's going to say something that he knows will make his life better.

"Catalano." He sees Shane come in and glance at Angela and back and him and it's over, whatever she may have said is forgotten. "I just talked to Tino, and he said he can get us that loft tonight."

"Cool."

He walks by her, hoping Shane keeps his mouth shut.

"Uh yeah, so rehearsal's on."

"Okay, well-"

"We should tell the other Embryos."

"I guess so."

He turns back to her, why he's not sure. Just… to make sure she's not laughing still.

"So, you have rehearsal tonight?"

"I, I guess so, yeah."

"Maybe I could hear that song you wrote some time."

_I don't understand it. I don't understand her._

_I don't understand how she can be so completely different, from anyone else._

_So uncommon._

"Sure, I mean, yeah. Well, we're rehearsin' tonight at this, this loft that, uh, Tino found, so, uh-"

"So you mean I should... go to the loft tonight?"

_Her? At the loft? Like… watching us? That… I mean, she wouldn't say anything, would she? I don't think so._

"Well, you know."

_Do I want her there? Yes. I want her everywhere, under me, on me, near me… I am so into her and it's like… every time I think she'll just laugh me off, she surprises me._

"Whatever."

"Catalano, let's go!"

**To Be Continued**


	5. Chapters 20 thru 24

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 20-24 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 20 thru 24 of 100**

**20**

"So she's like… coming? Tonight?"

"I don't know. Whatever, Shane, who cares? You know Tino would let Graff anywhere near him, so she probably would have shown up anyway."

_I don't see why my friends still wanna give me shit about her._

"Here, take your guitar upstairs and hook it up the amps."

"I thought the point of this was so that we didn't have to keep setting up every time we wanted to practice?"

_I thought that's why we found this place._

He goes up and worries about plugging things in and tuning up. He tries not to think about her and how much she knows now. He tries not to think about what would happen if she told.

"Angelika! C'mon, it's not that many!"

"All's I'm saying is that if I'm going to do my geometry homework, it could at least be a reasonable amount."

He hears Kevin laughing behind them. "Complaining about math? That is so juvenile."

"You're juvenile," Shane snaps at him.

"Where's Tino?" Graff asks and he sees Angela out of the corner of his eye, wonder if she's told her friends. He does not want anyone else finding out, especially the teachers, because then he'll get put back in remedial which hasn't helped at all.

"Catalano, where's Tino?"

"Oh, sorry. He should be here soon," he shrugs and walks to his friends.

_If I ignore her, if I don't look at her, I won't have to think about her and how many times she tucks her hair behind her ears._

He leaves for a smoke and goes back inside and she's sitting there, looking bored. They all are because Tino is late, as always.

"Hey."

_I hear it come out of my mouth before I even… before I can stop it._

"D'ya wanna hear that song I was telling you about?"

_Her smile is just… genuine. She's real. If she smiles, she's happy. Her face gives it all away._

"I was goin' nowhere, goin' nowhere fast.

Drownin' in my memories, livin' in the past.

Everythin' looked black 'til I found her.

She's all I need, and that's what I said.

Oooh, oooh, oooh, I call her `Red'.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I call her `Red'.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"She's my shelter from the storm,

she's a place to rest my head.

Late at night, she keeps me safe and warm.

"I call her `Red'.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I call her `Red'."

He pauses and tries to think of the next verse and then remembers she's here and watching.

"That's all I have so far."

He gets up quickly, not wanting to say anything more, not wanting her to say anything to him.

He doesn't want her asking if the song is about her because then he would have to answer her or attempt to find the words to answer her and he can never seem to do that when he wants.

"So where the hell is Tino?" he asks Shane.

"Who knows! I'm leaving. Nancy's horny, so we're out," Kevin sighs and he watches them go.

"Bye!" he turns and sees Graff and Rickie leave after them.

_They just left her here? I mean… or she chose to stay, either way…_

"I don't think Tino's comin'."

_Um… duh? Why do I do this around her?_

_I can say whatever I want to any other girl but to her? I can't talk and what I do say sounds incredibly stupid._

"I'm gonna get outta here. You want a ride somewhere?"

"Okay."

"Okay."

He's somehow acutely aware of the fact that she follows closely behind him on their way down the stairs and as she heads to the door of his car he flashes to pushing her against it and kissing her.

_What is wrong with me? I can't… I mean… if she came and if she's still into me after everything that's happened thus far, I have to play this smart, casual. I can't… I don't do girlfriends. My life is too fucked up for a girlfriend._

_Isn't it?_

_Because they're right. Shane's right- this is not a mess around with girl. This is a girlfriend girl. This is one who will want things from me that I can't give._

_But all I can think about is kissing her._

"I love this car," she says as he starts it. "It's like… right out of a movie or something."

"Yeah, it's- I rebuilt her. Found it at some lot and towed it to my uncle's garage, where I work sometimes. It took me a couple years, but…"

"That's really cool, that you can do that. Like… I can't do anything like that. I can't like… I mean, my semester of shop is disastrous because I'm afraid I'll cut off a finger or something when we're using the saws."

He can't help but smile at that.

"It's pretty easy to do if you don't know what you're doing."

_I actually like shop a lot since there's literally no reading. It's cutting and numbers and fixing stuff or building it and designing it. It's really easy._

_And fun._

"Well it's not easy if you squeal every time the saw turns on," she laughs softly.

"Yeah, that would be a problem. That girl… maybe you don't know her. She has really short short hair, blonde. She always wears pajama tops?"

"Oh, yeah… I think it's like… Linda or Lynne or something."

"She like… she was in shop with us in the beginning of the year and any time we'd turn on any of the machines, she'd yell and leave the room, like… it was weird."

_Okay, that was a completely pointless story. Truly dumb._

_Way to go, Catalano._

"So you just like… built this car?" she asks as he keeps driving, thinking about how he's actually alone with her, sounding like he has something interesting to say.

"The engine. I gutted the engine completely and found the parts from other shit. Then I redid the exhaust system last summer and got it up and running for school."

"That's… amazing, Jordan."

_How come I've never noticed how amazing it sounds when she says my name?_

"It's easy," he shrugs. "I've like… been working on cars since I was little. I think I could change oil at like… seven."

"Wow. That's… I never want to have to do that. Ever. My mom always says that. She's like 'I could learn how to do it, but why should I have to'? Like… she would ever crawl under her car to do it, but… I guess theoretically she could learn."

"Yeah, it's pretty basic, if you're willing to get dirty."

"Well I'd just be afraid I'd get oil in my eye or something and go blind. Or not have the jack right and have the car fall on me and crush me. I'd be like… the only kid to die from being crushed by a car."

"Well the wheels would still keep it from crush you completely."

"Right. That's… comforting," she laughs as he pulls up in front of her house.

And then they're quiet.

**21**

_Now I have no idea what to do. I mean… normally this is when she'd just crawl in the back seat, but I know that's not going to happen. If it was going to, it already would have._

_But now what do we talk about?_

Jordan bites his thumb as he tries to think of something to say, grateful when she says something.

"I was just thinking... could you maybe have dyslexia?"

"What, that backwards thing?"

"Lots of people have it, my, my father's brother has it. Makes reading incredibly difficult 'cause your mind, like-"

"Let's not talk about this."

_I don't want to talk about this with her because it's just… so I can build a car engine, whatever. At least she can do her homework and understand the damn books and write papers and not have her papers not sound like a child wrote them._

"-reverses things."

He looks down and bites his thumb again, wanting so badly to just be kissing her, to finally know what it feels like to kiss her, to taste her mouth, feel her tongue, anything.

"I'm sorry. It's actually not... I mean, a lot of really intelligent people are dyslexic. Just because a person can't read-"

"Hey, I can read, okay?"

_I mean… I can. I could in the fifth grade so I can._

"Just not..."

"No, I know."

_I want this conversation over with. I want to just make it so she doesn't know and that's impossible now._

"Just not that good."

_Not that good at all, but…I look at her and all of a sudden it's like her lips are like this perfect shade of red and the bottom one looks just… ripe._

_I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it doesn't have to._

_I just want to kiss her. I want to kiss her and this time have her kiss me back._

"You know those guys... up in the mountains?"

He puts his elbow up on the seat so he can turn toward her and stare at her lip more.

"What guys?"

"Who make snow, like, like, as their job?"

_I have no idea where I'm going with this, but I feel her breath closer to mine._

"Oh, yeah."

"I would really like to do that."

He can feel her breath hitting his lips and sees her eyes focusing on his lips and he knows it's now or never.

"You mean, part-time or-"

And then his lips are just against her and he can feel her breath on his face and feel her tongue, hesitant against his. He pushes a bit more against her and she opens her mouth more, allowing him to sweep his tongue inside gently.

_She tastes like a lollipop and her lips are so soft, it's unbelievable._

"Sorry."

"For what?"

"Uh, I, I interrupted you."

He remembers she didn't like that before, the last time he kissed her in his car.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

_I watch as she smiles like… like she has this secret or something, like… it was her first real kiss when she had some guy touch her tongue with his._

_Maybe it was and I watch as she blushes a bit, enough to notice in the low light._

She gets out of the car and he drives off, knowing he'll hopefully get home after the old man has passed out, which would be the best thing since he doesn't want to deal with his shit tonight.

He parks the car and heads inside to find his dad in front of the television.

"What the fuck are you doing home so late?"

"It's nine-thirty," Jordan shrugs as he walks into the kitchen to make a sandwich.

"Nine-thirty for a fuckin' lazy kid who can't go to school is too late," he hears him growl and his voice follows Jordan to the kitchen.

_I love when he tries to be a real father and yell at me about school, like he's ever been a real father. Just because he got my mother pregnant doesn't make him my father. I have no father. I'm my own father._

"I go to school. I got an A in shop, remember?"

"That's the only fucking thing because you're too stupid to do anything else, except for gym. Luke says he has a job for you at the garage."

"I already work at the garage on the weekends and some days after school if he's got work."

"No, a real job, Smart ass," the old man says and he feels his hand smack the back of his head.

He grinds his teeth and takes a deep breath. He doesn't want to get into this tonight. He just wants a sandwich and to be able to go bed.

"I go to school."

"And you're still in the tenth fucking grade. You're seventeen, Jordan. When the fuck are you gonna be smart enough to pass the tenth grade? It's not that hard."

_That's it. I'm so sick of this shit._

"Well you fucking dropped out, so what does that say about you?" Jordan says angrily as he puts a few pieces of ham between the bread.

The smack on the back of his head is harder this time and forces his chin down.

He balls his fists and struggles to take another breath.

"Don't get fresh. You think just because you're seventeen I won't tan your hide like I done before? Huh? Think you're too fuckin' good?"

Jordan turns to face him, sandwich in hand.

"I know you haven't touched me since I threw that fucking chair at you and cracked your rib. You think I haven't learned from the best? Don't fuckin' TOUCH me again."

Jordan storms past him and runs to his room and locks the door behind him. He wishes he'd grabbed some milk.

**22**

"So Shane said you drove her home?"

He sighs. He has more important things to worry about than whether his friends approve of the girls he wants to hang out with.

_I don't know what the fuck will happen this weekend, but I swear if he fucking pounds on my door again in the middle of the night, I'll kill him, with my bear hands I'll kill him._

_What? He's too afraid to lay a hand on me now, so he'll wake me up pounding on the door? I thought he had a sledgehammer or something it was so loud last night. I thought he was going to break down the door and-_

"Hi."

He stops and turns, realizing she's there, talking to him.

"Hey." Tim and Shane back off a bit as he walks over to her. "So, what's up?"

_I know I was up, very up, this morning, thinking about her._

"I can't get that song you wrote, like, out of my mind."

He hears one of them snicker a bit and turns toward them slightly to warn then to back off.

"I, I'm still not done writin' it, so-"

"Well, there's this movie and, um, and it kinda reminds me of your song... or... your song kinda reminds me of the movie but, um, hearing it kinda makes me want to go to the movie again."

She stares at him and he watches how she sort of leans to the side a bit and he thinks about her lips and the taste of lollipops.

"OH. Uh, yeah, we could do that."

He hears more laughs from behind him.

"Uh, yeah, but, um, the thing is... this is gonna sound so weird. My parents are kinda, like, from the Stone Age, but, um, they have to meet you. Before."

"Before what?"

_Before she'll have sex with me? I mean… that's awkward._

"Before we could go to the movie."

"Oh."

_Is she for real? She wants to have me meet her parents? Do I look like I meet parents? I smoke. I drink. I swear. I fuck girls in boiler rooms. None of these things, to me, really would say 'have me meet your parents'._

_But… the taste of lollipops is all I could think about last night when I was trying to sleep._

"Yeah, okay."

"Yeah! I mean, you could just come by, like, tonight, you know, any time, and it'd be settled."

He here's more laughing and he turns back to them. He's going to kill them in a minute. He's going to cause them pain.

"And, we could just go to the movie, like, any time this weekend."

"Catalano. Let's go."

"So, I mean, would you wanna do that? Would you, like, tonight? Say around 7:30?"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

_I can do that. Right? I mean… go to her house, say hello and not mention anything about what I might want to do to their daughter._

"What was that about?"

"Just shut up."

"Did I hear that right? She wants you to meet her parents?"

"Shut UP!" Jordan says a bit louder as they walk into the locker room. "I'm not in the mood."

"Tim, can you picture him meeting her parents? I mean… Jordon Catalano meeting some bitch's parents!"

_That's it._

Jordan slams Shane against a locker, his arm against his windpipe.

"Back. Off."

The words are bitter as they're spoken.

"And don't fucking call her that again."

Jordan walks off.

_I can't fucking do this. I can't fucking be here. Not today._

He storms out, slamming the door behind him.

_Fucking…_

He wants to scream. He wants to scream so fucking loud that it knocks something over. He tears out of the school parking lot and knows where he'll go but he needs gas. At the gas station, he buys a lollipop.

He pulls up to the train tracks and sits on the hood of his car, throwing rocks at the tracks, sucking on the lollipop, waiting.

_Why can't that fucking bastard fucking DIE?!_

_Why can't my fucking friends back the fuck off and let me do what I want?_

_Why doesn't this fucking lollipop taste like her?!_

He yanks it out of his mouth and throws it violently into the stones as he hears a train rumbling. The horn goes off and he runs up to the tracks. The train engine barrels by and it's so loud, he can't think.

He just screams into the cars, into the noise, as loud as he possibly can until it's gone and the world is silent again and his throat hurts.

He lays on the hood of his car, staring at the sky, at the clouds, wondering if his mother is watching, if she cares, wondering if she ever did.

He heads to the loft because he has decided he won't go home tonight. He doesn't want to risk a huge fight or a bruise. He's gone two years without one and he doesn't want to have to explain one or lie about it again to anyone.

He plays his guitar, trying to pick out songs he knows that he'd love to cover, trying to find more of his song as well, trying not to think about lollipops or trains or friends or anything.

"There's nothing to eat here anyways. Yo, Catalano, come on," he hears Shane say.

"Nah, there's this... this thing I said I would do."

_I said I would meet her parents. That's what I said. I said I'd meet them tonight at seven-thirty._

"What thing?"

"Just this thing... that I said I would do."

"Whatever," Shane shrugs.

"A thing?" Tim laughs. "Like… meeting your girlfriend's parents?"

"She's not- no. Not that. I promise Katie I'd see her tonight and fucking Rick wouldn't let me take her last weekend, so…"

"Oh," Tim nods. "You're lucky you can still like your baby sister because I could fuckin' kill mine."

"Yeah," he nods. "So I'll maybe catch up with you guys later."

"Okay."

He keeps messing with the song but doesn't know where it goes from there.

At seven, he thinks he should get in his car, but… he just can't.

He just can't go meet her parents tonight, not tonight, not when things are so shitty and his mind isn't right. He'd say something stupid, he knows he would. He'd say something dumb and he just can't.

So he doesn't. He curls up onto the dirty sofa and tries to fall asleep without thinking of lollipops or fists, but it's impossible.

The next morning he waits until he knows the old man is gone to work before he goes back home to shower and change. He misses two periods but it doesn't matter too much.

_I know I blew it last night when I see the look she gives me, the look Graff gives me too. I can just picture her sitting there, waiting for me to show, because she's that into me, but…_

_And I can't like… explain what happened to her. She wouldn't understand this life or what happens at home or how I just couldn't deal with that last night._

"Um, she's, uh, a little upset. Um, I, I guess, well, because, um, well, never mind."

"No, what?" He reaches out to her friend because he wants to be able to explain, or have the chance to explain.

"Um, I, I guess she figures, you know, um, uh, why didn't you... you call, or something."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

_I should have called. I really didn't think of that. I just… things are so screwed up sometimes, I wonder if things will ever make sense again._

_I have to think up something here to tell him so he'll get it back to her, something that's complete and utter bullshit, but that could make sense._

"She just, she like, wanted me to meet her parents. I just... I, I, I wasn't in the mood, you know? It's like, she, she's, she knows too much about me, or something. I know, not really, but... she just makes too big a deal out of everything. I mean, she makes everything... too complicated. Anyway…"

_And it's not a complete lie because she has complicated my life and she does make a big deal out of things and he should know that if he's her friend._

"Well, it, it was, it was... partly that, that song... that, that you wrote? She, she really liked it. And it was, um, obvious... what it, what it was about, so-"

_Shit. Think quick, Catalano._

_My life is not going to get uncomplicated any time soon and… that fucking song. Why did I even write it? Why was I like… inspired by her?_

"Yeah. My car."

_Lies. All lies, but it could be about my car. I do love my car._

_But my car doesn't taste like lollipops._

_I don't think._

_So basically she hates me, which is what I wanted all along, but… now it just makes my life suck even more._

**23**

For a week, she gives him dirty looks and ignores him. He goes to every class he has with her, but she never says hi. She never smiles.

And it depresses him even more.

Things at home are headed for something nasty, he just knows. The old man is growing angrier at him every day for stupid things that don't matter and he has yet to find a lollipop that reminds him of her, exactly.

He misses the idea of her, that she might actually be into him, for whatever reason. He misses thinking that maybe he had a shot at the one real girl in the fucking school.

He tried smiling at her a couple times Monday morning, but she didn't respond.

He figures at least his friends are off his back once and for all about the whole stupid idea and band practice was… practice.

_But why does she always have to tuck her hair behind her ears like that?_

_I've never had a fucking girl drive me this crazy._

_I've never come to a class on a test day just so I could stare at a girl._

_She's so… uncommon._

"Eyes on your own paper!" the teacher scolds.

"Wait a minute."

He glances up quickly as she stands.

"Angela! Sit down!"

"That's my father!"

And then she just walks out and he's left wondering what's happening and if she'll be back or not. It takes her a few minutes as he struggles to answer the questions he knows he can't read.

She walks back in with a pass and she looks upset, stunned even.

But that other girl doesn't come back and when the bell rings he walks over to her.

"Hey, are you-"

But she walks away and leaves him behind.

_I guess I got rid of her for good, except… it happened just when I didn't want it to. But I should have called or not promised it at all. That would have been better. If I'd not even tried._

He goes through the day watching her from a distance, trying to hear what's happened, but it's hard when his friends just keep talking to him as if nothing is happening because they're completely blind to the world around them.

Their parents may not all be the greatest or still married, but they're not dead and they're not violent. They don't scream or bang on their doors at midnight to scare them.

He feels just like he did when he was ten and he'd be hiding in a closet or something for the old man to give up looking for him.

Only he just sits on his bed, waiting for the minute when the door gets kicked in, when he'll have to be ready to fight.

He keeps a bag packed with extra clothes and his walkman, near the window so he can jump if necessary.

He's relieved when the old man pounds on the door in the morning to wake up him and shout at him about getting his lazy ass out of bed because it means he doesn't have to be in the house.

He leaves without a visit to the kitchen for breakfast because he knows the old man is in there. He just yells a "later" as he runs out the door.

He sits on the hood of his car and says hi to her as she gets off the bus but she walks by him, as if she hadn't even heard him. At least the other times, she'd stared at him angrily.

He watches her all day and she seems more and more out of it. She's usually distracted in class but she doesn't even respond when the teacher calls on her.

The next day it's the same. She doesn't even seem to see him and now he's heard that one of her friends has a sick dad or something and she's probably upset or worried about that.

Or she really doesn't want to talk to him anymore.

_It's easier this way though, less complicated._

That's what he tells himself anyway.

He walks out past the locker rooms to the bleachers near the football field because he really can't stand the thought of sitting in a "music appreciation" class that doesn't allow them to appreciate music.

He lights his cigarette when he hears something behind him and sees her standing there, looking at him.

"Hey…"

"Is this is where you come to smoke?" she asks and he sees her eyes are red and she's obviously really upset.

"Uh huh. So you crying or something?"

_Why do I ask a question I already know the answer to?_

_Yes obviously she's crying._

"I guess."

_Even upset, she's pretty. Even when she's obviously really hurt, she looks like she'd taste like lollipops._

"How come?" he asks, figuring she wants to talk since she is talking to him.

"Because my friend's father is in the hospital, and he could die."

He turns because he can't think about parents dying too much because it'll just make him angry at his mother or his father or at everything in the world.

He drops the cigarette and puts it out and knows that if he turns, she'll be there. When he turns, he knows she'll be standing there, wanting something from him that he wants to give.

He can smell the vanilla as it washes over him when he wraps his arms around her. She buries her face in his shoulder as she cries and he doesn't want to let her go. He doesn't want the scent of vanilla and the feel of her hair against his face to disappear.

But he hears footsteps and looks up to see Shane standing there, pissed.

He drops his arms immediately.

"That's, that's rough. I better go," he sighs and hates Shane in that moment. He hates him for ruining it for him, hates him for stopping what could have led to another kiss or- whatever. The point is that he hates his friends sometimes.

**24**

"Halloween, Guys!" Shane laughs as he jumps up and down. "The one day when we can be assholes and it's okay!"

Jordan laughs along with the rest of they walk down the hall toward the door near the locker room.

"Oh but it is frowned upon," Kevin says. "Being hooligans!"

"Animals!"

"Cretins!"

"So you're in, right, Catalano?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

They walk past Angela's locker and he glances at her and she smiles. He smiles back and turns back to the guys.

_At least she's smiling and saying hi again, if only that were enough._

_If only she didn't make a brown dress look so pretty._

_If only I wasn't still into her…_

"So we meet like seven at the loft. Tino said he's got a keg and we've got Catalano's car, so…"

"I love how you just assume you can use my car," Jordan says. "I'm going now. I'll be back for gym."

He breaks off from the group and goes back to his car because he refuses to go to history since it's tiring and completely pointless. He knows the teacher has it in for him.

But gym is always another story.

He waits on the stairs for Kevin or Tim, whoever is joining him in gym when he sees her. Angela, walking up the stairs with…

_When did she get glasses? And why is she wearing that sweater? With her hair pinned back? She looks… well she actually looks pretty, but it's not her._

"Um, it's a costume. I wouldn't really dress like this. I'm supposed to give you a message."

"From Tino?"

_Dumb question. Such a dumb question because why would Tino give her a message for me? He'd just find me himself._

"No, from Miss Lerner."

_Why does she always have to look like she should be kissed?_

"Who?"

"Miss Lerner? She's been our English teacher for, like, over a month now.

_Right. English. If they hadn't sent Racine packing, I'd be going to English, but… it's their fault not mine. That's what he told me and I know what he meant by that now. He meant that no one has ever bothered to notice, or care._

_No one but him and… and Angela._

"Ah, she says you have to start showing up to class, um, or she's going to have you kicked out."

"So what's the message?"

"That you're gonna get kicked out of school."

"Like it's doing so much for me."

_It's not keeping me from going crazy or keeping a roof over my head or teaching me to be anything else but what I already am. The only thing it does, is give me a reason to get out of the house._

_And a reason to see her._

"You're welcome!" she says and he turns back to her again before he heads off and out. He doesn't care about school and he knows he'll be able to see Katie in her costume if he's there when she gets off the bus. Her babysitter is more than happy to flirt with him and allow him to see his sister.

"JORDIE!" she squeals and runs up the walkway from the bus. "Look! I'm a princess!"

"You are," he laughs as she hugs him tightly.

"And at school we had this party and look, I got candy. Here, want one?"

"Sure."

"Inside with you," Sherri laughs. "C'mon, we have to see if you have homework, okay?"

"I don't. You think my teacher would be that mean?" she laughs as she tugs on his hand to pull him inside. "On Halloween? She said to get sugared up and not eat any candy tomorrow morning."

"That sounds like a teacher," Jordan confirms. "So what'd you do at this party? Huh?"

He stays for an hour before he knows Rick will show and then makes a quick stop at home for clothes and food. Then it's to the loft where the guys are busy getting wasted and he sits with his guitar.

_Getting kicked out of school is exactly what he wants, isn't it?_

_If I were kicked out, he'd either kick me out or force me to work and then steal my paycheck. Either way, it's not the greatest._

_And I wouldn't see her every day either… so it's bad all around._

_But English? It's not like I'll pass at all, again._

_I won't get out of anything but gym and shop, as always._

He often thinks he should just drop out, but he knows he wouldn't even be able to get his GED because that's all reading as well.

He'll just be a high school student for the rest of his life until another Racine shows up.

When he's forty, he'll be hanging out with the new Shane and Tim and Tino and Kevin, trashing the school like every year, doing the same shit all the time, watching them ride dirt bikes around the fucking track.

He just stands and smokes as the others scream and tip garbage cans, wondering if this is what his life is.

"Oh, sorry."

"Public property," he shrugs when he focuses on who it is.

"Well, I... I was just leaving, so..."

"I wish I was. Every year we come out here. We tear up the track, and throw garbage cans over. God, it's gettin' old."

_Like… why can't we just…get drunk at a party like everyone else? Why can't they care about anything other than this?_

"Well, can't you just go?"

_If only it were that simple._

"No, no. We still gotta find the guy who egged Tino's car. That's, like, something I can't get out of."

_Mainly because I'm expected to drive, which is fine. I have a car and I make them give me money for gas, but… maybe I've just seen too much destruction in my life or something._

"It's always the same. But you come because you think, you know, maybe something cool will happen. 'Cause what if something did, happen, and you missed it? You better get out of here, though. These guys are pretty ripped."

_And I know they don't take too kindly to a guy who wears make-up._

"Okay."

Rickie starts to walk away and Jordan turns back. "Why are you here, anyway?"

"Oh, it's… it was Rayanne's idea to… whatever but-"

"To what?"

_If Rayanne is involved, then Angela probably is as well._

"To break into the school, something about contacting dead spirits but I just… if they're out there, maybe we should just leave them alone. Ya know?"

_Dead spirits? That's… I wonder if that can actually be done. I wonder if I could actually talk to my mother again or at least get a message from her. Maybe she could like… tell me the old man isn't my father or something, something that would make it make sense._

"They broke into the school?" he asks, shocked. "Rayanne and-"

"Angela, yeah. Or they were trying to, but it's all locked, so… they'll probably just go eat candy or something."

"Yeah," he nods. "You uh… need money for a cab? They're so wasted I got ten bucks off 'em each for me to drive."

"Sure. Thanks," Rickie says as he takes the money and Jordan lights another cigarette and leans against the bar with his eyes closed.

_Breaking into the school sounds a lot better than this. I need better friends._

**To Be Continued**


	6. Chapters 25 thru 29

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 25-29 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting

**RATING**: PG13 for now, but it will be NC17/M

**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.

**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,

**THANKS**: to anyone who reads this!

**-Break Me Down-**

**Ch. 25 thru 29 of 100**

**25**

He shows up late after a huge screaming match between the old man and him about his girlfriend who's suddenly shown up with two kids who are apparently more important than him since he's being kicked out of his room and sent to the basement.

He's leaning against a wall just staring, thinking, wondering what to do.

_There's nothing really for me here, I know. He's… fuckin' old man has a point in that I'll never graduate at this rate, so what's the point?_

_My music is only okay, so that leaves working in a shop._

_If I get expelled, it's cleaner that way, less paperwork than dropping out._

_If I don't-_

"You're not going to class?"

He turns to see her standing in front of him.

"What's it to you?" he asks, playing with his ring.

"You know, you're gonna get expelled. Don't you care?"

"It don't matter." He tugs on his sleeve and wonders why he's even still standing there.

"Of course, it matters."

"She's lookin' to throw me out, okay? She's been waitin' for this. She thinks I'm a loser."

_They all do. They're just waiting for a time when I screw up that much that they can see me gone. Mr. Foster is probably waiting to throw a party for the day he gets rid of me._

"You're crazy to let her tell you what you are."

"What are you talking about?"

"She doesn't know you. She doesn't know who you are. You can't let her decide what you do."

_Why does she care so much?_

_Because we kissed? Because she wrote me that letter? Because for some reason, she's decided that I'm this person she wants to save or something?_

"Hey! I decide what I do. Maybe, maybe I wanna get kicked out."

"Maybe you do. It doesn't mean people can't try and stop you, and tell you..."

She stops midsentence as he crosses his arms and she stares at him like… like she knows somehow exactly who is.

_It's like sometimes when she looks at me, I feel like she does understand, in some way. Like she gets me, like… I don't know._

"I know you think, how could someone like me understand? Only, I do."

She walks into class and he watches her go and he leans back against the wall again and thinks back to that thing she wrote in English for Racine. The poem about the paper people and how the girl felt lost. He remembers how much it spoke to him and how it seems to describe him perfectly and he thinks maybe on some level, she really does understand.

_Maybe she really does… care._

He walks over to the door and stands for a minute when the teacher turns to see him.

"Speaking of which, Mr. Catalano, how nice to see you. Are you just visiting, or are you going to stay with us for while?"

He walks in after a moment and then takes an empty desk in the back.

He listens as the others take turns reading the story and he does enjoy days when they volunteer to read out loud and he can follow along and still understand.

At the end of class, she hands him a list of things he has to do and when the bell rings, he walks over to Angela's desk and whispers, "wanna get out of here?"

"Huh?" she asks, turning and her lips are so close to his he can practically taste them.

"Just lunch next anyway," he says as she stands.

"Sure," she nods.

"We uh… just can't go by my locker because I don't wanna deal with anyone right now."

"I'll meet you at your car?"

He nods and sneaks out the side door near the end of the student parking lot and sits on the trunk of his car to wait.

_She must really care for some stupid reason that I don't understand but it just… it feels… nice? To have someone give a damn?_

Angela approaches the car and holds up a brown paper bag.

"I nearly gave my mother a heart attack this morning when I showed her what I would be eating for lunch," she says and dumps the contents on the trunk. "I stole about half of Danielle's candy this morning before she was up."

"Who's Danielle?" he asks. He hasn't heard that name before and he takes a Snickers from the bag. He doesn't ever remember having Halloween candy in his house.

"Oh, my sister. She's like… eleven. Kind of annoyingly perfect since she sucks up constantly," she rolls her eyes and hops up on the car, the pile of candy between them.

"So you… contact any spirits last night?" he wonders.

"Oh god," she laughs. "You have no idea what happened, it was the craziest dream or something, but… I woke up in the hallway this morning."

"The hallway at your house?"

"No. Here, at the school, upstairs near where one of your friend's lockers is. I don't know… it was… crazy."

"Not like getting in a cop car crazy?" he asks.

_Sometimes when we talk there's this like extreme weirdness and then other times it's just simple and easy. I wonder why that is…_

"Yeah, another thing Tino was supposed to do, get us into the club. He's not the most reliable friend, is he?"

"Not really," he shrugs. "Just like… knows everything and everyone, so it's good to have him around."

They eat more candy and he just puts the wrappers back down in the pile but she takes them and sticks them in her pocket and it's funny to him that she's a girl who breaks into the school but won't leave garbage around.

"So…" he starts quietly since he doesn't exactly want to talk about it, but there's no else he can talk to about it. "I don't think it's that backwards thing."

"Dyslexia? Why not?"

He bites his nail for a second before putting his arm down.

"You said it like reverses things, like letters?"

"My uncle says it's like when he looks at a page, some of the letters might be upside down or in the wrong places or like… scattered on the page? Like not in a line?"

"No, it's not that," he shakes his head. "Like… I could follow along in class today while people were reading cause it's like… obviously if they say a word and I don't know it, I just skip that one and follow along. Ya know?"

"Yeah," she nods. "Did you like… ever get tested or something? I don't know a lot about other reading disabilities, but my uncle said when he started doing bad at school, they had him do all these tests and found out he had dyslexia and then they gave him all these things that helped him and he got like… extended time for tests and stuff."

Jordan shrugs and turns with one of his legs so he's facing her as he takes another piece. "I think I'd remember that."

"Because there's other ways to be disabled with reading, like… I don't know what they are but he said when he was in college, he met other people with reading issues."

"Yeah, I… was in remedial in eighth and ninth but it's like… they don't help you there. It's so simple a five year old could do it. Mr. Racine was- he kinda… figured it out. He was helping me for like… a day."

"Mr. Racine was a really good teacher, for a change," she sighs.

"Yeah, he sat and read the math problems to me cause I can like… I can do the math part but I can't read the directions and figure out what to do."

"Well… if you don't want to go through the school, maybe there's a place, like… a reading center or something? Where they could test you and find out what the problem is, you know? I'd… I'd go with you, if you… wanted to go."

"Yeah," he nods, suddenly tired of thinking about it. "So your mom didn't want you eating candy for lunch?"

"She tried not to react much, but… it's like I can't bring myself to eat something healthy in front of her. She just… she wants it too much."

He laughs a bit and it starts to make sense to him, how she understands.

"And I refuse to give her the satisfaction."

_It's like… when Nancy was explaining it to us that Angela used to hang out with that Sharon girl and then started following Graff around… I think maybe she got tired of letting people tell her who to be or what she is._

_That's what she said, right? For me to not let a teacher determine who I am or what I think? That's what Mr. Racine said too. Maybe there's some truth to that._

**26**

"So are you coming, Catalano?" Shane asks as they walk out the building.

_Why do I suddenly not give a shit about whether we go and get some tickets to see some stupid band that we've already seen?_

"I can't. I got a thing, I promised Katie."

_The thing about little sisters is that you can always use them as an excuse for stuff, like not having a book for class or not being able to go somewhere._

"Well I'll get your ticket then and catch you tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay," he agrees and leans against his car as he watches them head off in Tino's car.

_I swear ever since those fucking brats moved in to MY room, it's like I like Katie so much more since she's sweet. Yeah, Rick can be an ass, but I guess he tries to do right by her and make sure she's okay._

"Hi."

He turns and his day is suddenly better because she's standing next to him.

"Hey."

"So, did you hear about that thing that they're going to like extinguish fourth period lunch?"

_She always starts conversations with the weirdest things and I wonder if that's just how she is with her friends or just because of how she is with me. Like… does she have trouble thinking of stuff to say to me like I have trouble thinking of stuff to say to her?_

"I didn't hear that."

"Oh, it's just something that people are obsessing about. It's like sometimes people fill their minds with all these stupid things, you know? To keep themselves from thinking about you know, what's *really* important."

"Huh." He looks away and wonders what she thinks is really important. He thinks back to the things they've talked about and she's never really talked about that type of stuff. He doesn't even know what music she likes, except that she liked his song.

He hadn't even known she'd had a sister until a few days ago.

_Of course she probably doesn't know I have a sister, so…_

_But I guess I do know she finds reading important, or at least going to school, staying in school. She must since she pushed me about it._

_Oh and she thought that people getting copies of the Lit was important back when Racine wanted to print that poem thing._

_Oh shit, did she say something?_

"There's a dance?"

_Is that what she's talking about?_

"Uh, yeah, you know, there's like five hundred posters up around school about it."

"Ohhh, right."

_I heard about that. Kevin wants to go and make fun of everyone and try to spike the punch because we're obviously in a movie from the sixties._

"I guess I kinda mean the idea of the dance is kinda - false. I mean I doubt I'm even going. I mean, I'm sure you're obviously not going. Right?"

He doesn't smile but he wants to. He's sort of figured out that she brings things up to him to try and get information or…

_Like that movie thing… because she obviously wanted to go to the movies with me so she brought it up and then stared at me with those amazing eyes and got me to agree to it._

_It's like what Kevin says Nancy does to him constantly to get him to agree to stuff. She distracts him and hints at things until he says 'fine' or 'whatever' and then she gets pissed if he doesn't do them._

_And that means she wants to go, probably with me._

_But me? At a school dance? With her? At a school dance with anyone, but with her? It just…_

"See, I have this philosophy."

_Making plans to go anywhere with her has not worked out in the past because shit comes up. I could have another fight with the old man or get caught up with something else and then she'd like… get mad at me and not talk to me or smile at me for another week or two and that would suck._

"You have a philosophy?"

In the week since Halloween, they'd had semi-regular conversations, usually at his car during lunch period. She must have noticed he never really ate because she started bringing extra food that she'd always offer.

A couple days they didn't really talk much except about something in class or she'd bring something up that was completely random. And then one day he asked her to tell her about this book they'd read because he had make-up work to do and obviously couldn't read the book so she'd explained everything he'd needed to know to do the assignments.

He'd liked those days because it was easy and simple and wasn't planned. She found him where he was and it was just easy.

"Well, if I go somewhere and someone I know is there, then cool, there's something natural about it. But once you start making plans, then you have like, like obligations - and that basically blows. So my feeling is, whatever happens, happens."

"I have to say I really respect that."

He pushes off the side of the car because he has to go pick up something for Katie. He promised he'd buy her a book she wanted, so he had to go for it.

He starts his car and turns to her to ask her if she wants a ride, but-

"Oh, I um forgot my geometry book in my locker, so-"

_Oh. Well… that's… fine too._

_Maybe I should have asked if she wanted a ride before getting in the car? Or… I need to stop this. I need to like… stop dancing around the fact that we're obviously both into each other._

**27**

"So we're finally starting to sound good!"

"Yeah," Jordan nods. "We actually are."

"Which is good since we should start playing soon," Tino says. "For real people."

"I don't know if we're there yet," Shane tells them as he starts unplugging the amps. "But we definitely don't suck anymore."

"So what'll we do now?" Kevin asks. "It's Saturday night, we need to do something."

"I'm picking Rayanne up and doing something, if you know what I mean," Tino laughs. "So do whatever you want. I'm out."

"You may as well tattoo her name on your arm," Kevin says.

"And what about you and Nancy?"

"That's over. Let her fuck whoever she wants, I don't care anymore."

"Yeah, right!" Shane laughs. "You'll be begging her by next Friday."

_Speaking of begging, I really need some but it's like… Cynthia and Chrissy offered this week and some other girl at Let's Bolt, but…they're not the right girl. They're not… Angela._

_This sucks._

"So what are we doing?" Jordan asks, trying to get them away from the topic of sex for a change because then all he can think about is kissing her and what she looks like naked and that's not a good way to live, thinking about it constantly.

"I don't think there's much going on this weekend," Shane sighs. "We can go shoot some pool or something."

"There's the school dance," Kevin reminds them. "Lots of losers, parading around in stupid dresses and ties?"

_The dance. Where she'll probably be in some dress she picked out, probably looking pretty and-_

"I'm with Kevin on this one," Jordan hears him saying. "Could be lame but at least it's something to do."

"School it is then!" Kevin screams. "To Catalano's car now!"

When they arrive, he doesn't see her but he's sure she'll show because… he knows she will. He just knows it.

They stand around talking, Kevin pointing out all the dumb looking dresses and all he does is keep looking for her.

"Look, Catalano, you could do her," Kevin says, pointing to one of the parent chaperones. "Ice Cold Catalano could."

"Shut up," he laughs and shoves him back. He turns and catches a flash of red. Angela. He tries not to make it obvious that he's staring at her, tries looking away, but she looks…

_Beautiful. That's what she looks like. The dress and it matches her hair and it's like if I can't have that, her, I don't want anything else right now._

_FUCK._

_The way she smiles at me is like… better than a Katie smile and that's saying a lot. It does make me want to go over there to her. It makes me want to pull her against me and kiss her and touch her and it's like if I let this happen, if I start this with her, she will want a boyfriend. She will want to be a girlfriend and that's… maybe that's not a bad thing but it's a confusing one. It's…_

He looks down, looks away for a second, and when he looks back, she's walking out the door.

"Ya know what's hilarious?" Shane asks. "Is that we spend all day long trying to get out of this place and now here we are on a Saturday."

"Well what the fuck else is there to do?" Jordan shrugs. "This fucking town is boring as hell."

"Maybe we need to make our own fun!" Kevin grins. "Let's go!"

"Finally, a language I understand," Shane laughs.

"I'm with you."

_May as well since now she probably won't talk to me again for a week…_

"I'm starving, Man."

"Yeah right."

"What do you think? Let's go get sumin' to eat, huh?"

"Hey and I gotta pick up Kimmy too. She's gettin' out of work."

"Yo, we're out of here."

"Catalano, let's go, Man."

_How come whenever I see her, I just want to touch her?_

_Well I know why, because it's like… because I'm seventeen and I want to touch any girl, but it's always different with her._

"We goin' to Kathy's first, right?

_I don't understand why why we have to go to Kathy's or pick up Kimmy, but they give me shit about Angela._

_I mean… I know it's different because Kathy and Kimmy and Nancy and whoever are like… they're different from Angela. They're not real like her and they don't care like her. They're not anything like her._

Jordan hangs back a bit. "In a minute," he says, frustrated at their insistence. He wants to tell her that she looks pretty, that her dress is pretty, that she drives him insane sometimes, that he can't stop thinking about her, that he wants to kiss her again and see if she tastes like lollipops.

He wants to tell her so much, so he waits by the fence, hoping she'll come to him.

"Hey."

Her voice is always so warm, like not just a hey from someone in a bar that doesn't give a damn about you but a genuine hey, that she really means it.

_Like she really does fucking care about me and she's into me and I'm into her and things should just be that simple. I should be able to just say what I want, kiss her and tell her how much she means to me, that all I wanna do is kiss her and talk to her and be with her._

He stares at her for a second, taking a step forward and another step forward until she's pressed against the fence and he steps up against her, drowning in the scent of vanilla.

He can feel her pressed against him, look into her eyes and he wants to kiss her so badly, wants to wrap himself up in her and just feel everything she has to offer. He glances at her lips and she wants to be kissed, he knows it. He knows she's just waiting for him to take her.

_Why can't I? Why the fuck can't I just tell her how into her I am?_

"Why are you like this?"

_Why is she so intimidating? Why do I get so nervous and tongue-tied around her when we're close like this? Why can't it just be like we're sitting on my car eating candy?_

"Like what?" she asks.

_Like… like…_

"Like how you are."

"Hey, Jordan, you comin' or not?"

He dies inside when he's reminded of his stupid friends and how they're all watching and he refuses to do anything with them all standing nearby, waiting to mock him or worse, her. He wouldn't be able to let them laugh at her without doing something about it.

He sighs and steps back, turns and heads toward his friends.

"How am I? How - how am I?"

_Beautiful. Smart. Kind. Confusing. Amazing._

_That's right- adjectives._

**28**

After spending all day Sunday regretting he didn't kiss her, he'd decided.

Jordan Catalano was going to kiss Angela Chase this week.

He desperately needed to taste lollipops again and feel her hair in between his fingers. He remembered hugging her that one time and how he'd run his fingers over her hair and how silky it felt and…

He didn't care. Some way, somehow, he would kiss Angela Chase again, hopefully many agains. Again and again.

He leans against his car as the buses unload and he waits for her to get off. He watches as everyone walks by him but he just needs one girl, the red headed squeaky girl that he can't get enough of.

He closes his eyes and remembers what it'd been like to have her pressed up against the fence, him against her. It had felt right and good and-

_So what if she's out of my league? She's put herself in my league by talking to me, by watching me, by smiling… she wants to be in my league._

He almost lets her walk right by him until he catches a hint of vanilla.

"Angela," he says as he opens his eyes and she stops.

"Yeah?" she asks, turning around to face him.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi." She stands and pulls at her sleeve before tucking her hair behind her ears. "So…"

"So I wanted to talk with you," he says, never remembering a time when he was this nervous.

"Oh?"

"Yeah, about-" he steps closer to her, so close that he can smell her. "About-" he leans in to her ear. "The reading thing."

"Oh?" she repeats.

"Yeah, I just… can we talk? Maybe? Like… in private?"

"Sure," she shrugs and he watches her eyes as they focus on his lips and it makes me want to die. It makes him so hard, it's unbelievable.

"Yeah," he nods. "Like… during fifth? In… you know the north exit? There's like… this door with stairs and it leads down to-"

"The boiler room?" she asks, sounding completely surprised.

"Yeah, you… can you meet me there?" he asks, mesmerized by the way her lips quiver a bit in confusion or excited or something else. "Fifth?"

"Catalano!" he hears Shane scream.

_Why are they always interrupting me?! They never interrupted me this much before when I was busy with a girl._

The spell is broken and she steps back from him and the scent of vanilla lingers in his nostrils.

"Um…" she says, still stunned by his request.

"So… will you? Meet me?"

"Catalano!" the scream comes louder but he refuses to go until he has an answer.

"Yes," is the word she whispers as she turns to leave, a blush coming over her.

_Yes. She said yes and I must kiss her._

The morning goes too slow and it seems like the world will end before fifth. He walks down the stairs to wait for her and he realizes he's never brought a girl down here that he knew wouldn't put out.

_I don't think she will, but that's not the point today. The point today is that I just need to kiss her like… now._

The door opens and he looks up, grateful it's her and not someone else looking for a place to be alone.

She walks down the steps and smiles.

"I don't think I've ever been down here before," she says and he watches her look around. "You'd think they'd have like… some kind of lock on that door though since you could like… mess up the heat or something for the entire school down here."

_There she goes again, rambling about something stupid just to have something to talk about._

"I guess," he nods and walks a bit toward a little fenced in area that's out of view of the door or stairs.

"So… you wanted to talk?"

He just turns to look at her, wondering if she could possibly be that… naive. He didn't think so and by the look she returns, he knows she's just trying to fill in with conversation, trying to cool her nerves perhaps? Of being in the boiler room?

"Did I?" he asks as he closes the distance between them slowly. "I don't… remember that, exactly."

He stares at her bottom lip and how she bites it softly as she tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.

"Well you did, this morning," she says, stepping to the side to get around him.

He catches her hand and pulls her against him and he can feel her breath on his face. "Must not have been that important," he whispers and can't resist leaning down just enough to brush his lips with hers, innocently.

He hears her exhale before feeling the warmth hit his lips.

"I um… haven't… been down here," she confesses, not meeting his eyes. He watches as hers dart from his lips to the neckline of his shirt.

"I know," he nods and meets her lips once again, not quite tasting lollipops yet. "Or… I figured."

Her back bumps into the fence and he steps into her space again, placing a hand on the fence near her head, just like Saturday.

He's closer to her, close enough to be bathed in her vanilla-ness.

"So… so how am I?" she asks and he feels her hand touching his shirt, tugging on it gently near his side.

"Huh?" he wonders, kissing her jawbone gently once and then twice.

"The other night… how am I?"

_The other night? What did I say the other night to- oh right. I'm supposed to think about the other night? With what? Whatever brain cells I do have that work are asleep now._

_I've never wanted another person so much._

"Real," he whispers against her lips before pressing his mouth greedily against hers. She responds to him automatically, twisting her hand in the fabric of his shirt.

He still thinks she tastes like lollipops and vanilla.

His left hand slides up her arm and to her face, to play with her hair as their mouths just melt together and he presses his tongue against her for the first real taste.

He hears her giggle for a split second and it drives him crazier.

He pries her mouth open a bit more for a deeper kiss and she seems as completely into it as he feels. He sweeps his tongue inside her mouth and slides it against her lips and her own tongue as they taste each other.

He wonders what she tastes from him.

Maybe he'll ask her one day.

Her hand slides up his chest and touches his face and he feels her fingers push through his hair to the back of his head. She pulls him closer as he sucks on her upper lip a bit.

He can feel the warmth of their breaths collecting on his cheeks.

_It's like nothing I've ever experienced before, like… we've done this a million times before and we just know how to tilt or turn our heads. There's none of that awkward smashing that happens, it's just perfect and like… some sort of strange dance or whatever._

No matter how their mouths move, they're in constant contact with lip or tongue, both seeking to taste the other just as much.

He pulls away to inhale sharply, to try and calm himself down before he explodes in his pants.

"I'm missing my geometry review."

_What?! She's not gonna go, is she?_

He just wants to kiss her again, more, and to never stop. His lips seem to seek her out, begging to kiss her again, waiting for him to move them toward her.

"Luckily, it's optional."

And then her mouth is on his again and her fingers are in his hair again and he sucks her bottom lip in his mouth.

They kiss for what seems like hours, stopping only for air when needed or when he needs to get a hold of himself.

He's never just kissed a girl like this. Jordan Catalano has never just kissed a girl in the boiler room without her ripping his pants off.

_And the sad thing is, is that I'm more turned on now than I was with any other half-naked girl that I've come here with._

The bell rings and it surprises Angela because she jumps back.

"I… have history," she whispers, her lips searching for his through a muffled protest. "I… have to… go."

"Uh huh," he nods and keeps kissing her until she slips under his arm and away from him and away from the fence.

"You're serious?" he asks, surprised.

"Kind of and… I need a drink."

She just smiles at him then as a blush creeps over her cheeks.

"You… should go to shop," she reminds him before turning.

He watches her leave.

He waits a minute to make sure she's not coming back and then takes two minutes to finish himself off into a rag he finds on the ground.

_All I want is to kiss her again._

**29**

_For the first time ever, shop is boring._

_All I can think about is her tongue and her lips and the scent of vanilla and feel of her fingers playing with the hair at the base of my neck. Or the way she'd tug at my collar a little or how if I pulled away, her lips would follow mine and catch my bottom lip between them. Or how she tastes like lollipops and me now._

The bell rings and he needs to find her again. Fuck health class.

He heads directly for the social studies wing where her class is and he sees her stopped in the hallway.

"Angela Chase!" he hears a teacher yell. "Why weren't you in geometry review?"

He smiles at her as he walks past the teacher yelling at her. He knows why she wasn't in geometry review; he can still taste her spit in his mouth. He can still feel the slide of her tongue against his if he closes his eyes.

"Oh, I thought it-"

She focuses on him as he walks by her, brushing his elbow against her. He wants her to follow him. He wants her all to himself for another period.

_Wonder what she has fourth?_

"Angela, you need this! How are you going to pass your midterm?"

He turns his head as he walks by and he knows her eyes follow him.

"Yeah, I-" she says and he stops at the corner to see if she follows, which she starts to as she promises to show to the next review.

He feels her following him and he knows it's just seconds before she's with him again, down the stairs in the boiler room.

He sits on a crate and hears the door open and close and then she's walking toward him with a small grin.

"How was shop?" she asks as she shrugs her bookbag off.

"Boring. History?"

"Lot of dead people," she answers before she's standing in front of him, reaching for his mouth again.

They pick up where they left off, like nothing even changed, like forty-five minutes hadn't passed.

Neither even notice the fifth period bell.

But one of their stomachs growl and he pulls away.

"Was that your stomach or my stomach?" he wonders.

Their eyes meet and realize it doesn't matter. It's just lunch and there are much more appealing things to taste right in front of them.

Another twenty minutes pass seamlessly until she pulls away quickly.

"Okay, now I know I'm hungry. I'm like… dizzy. And not in a you make me dizzy way, but in a feeling faint, going to pass out way."

_She can never say things simply._

_She does talk a lot and I can say that now because I know it._

"You should go to lunch."

"Yeah and we have English next. We should really go. I mean… new teacher today and all."

He nods absently and she picks up her bag.

"So… I'll see you in English?"

"Sure, but… I won't be thinking about English," he smiles.

She smiles back and he waits a few minutes to get himself under control before running up the stairs. He heads out past the lockers and out to the bleachers for a smoke.

"Where you been?" Shane asks as he walks up to Jordan.

"Around," Jordan shrugs. "Avoiding stress."

"Practice tonight, don't forget."

Shane starts rambling about something but Jordan can only concentrate on watching Angela walk across the lawn to sit with Graff and Rickie to eat Chinese food.

"I want Chinese food," he sighs.

"Shoulda been there earlier at lunch. Tino brought some when he finally showed to school."

Jordan nods and wonders what they're talking about. They look like they're deep in conversation but at various times, they keep looking over at him.

"What the hell is their problem?" Shane asks.

"Who knows?" Jordan puts out his cigarette with his boot and heads for his car. He knows he has a granola bar or something in the glove box from the last time he took Katie somewhere.

He eats it on his way to English and the entire class is spent watching her, the way she tucks her hair and the way she twirls her pen around in her fingers and the way she tucks her arm and hand under her hair when she's leaning over her to desk to write down the notes.

Toward the end of class he writes on a piece of paper: 9th?

He drops it on her desk on his way out the door when the bell rings and then is waiting for her to show during ninth period.

It takes a few minutes after the bell but the door opens and it's her. He takes her hand and walks backward until his knees bump the crate and he sits down.

Her mouth is on him then and her fingers from both her hands run through the sides of his hair now and it feels like nothing he's even experienced.

She pulls away for a second and he hears her voice, "There's a tiny leaf in your hair."

"Where?" Jordan wonders.

He takes it from her and smiles. "We ran the cross country in gym."

"Oh," is her only response. That and pressing her mouth to his again.

_Has kissing always been this good? Like… does kissing always feel this good? Because I don't remember it feeling this good before._

He feels her hand slide down his arm until her fingers slide against his and she pulls away.

"What?" he asks as she takes a step back.

"This ring, you always wear it," she says, running her finger over it and then up his finger.

"It was my grandpa's."

"Oh," she nods and kisses one of his knuckles and it's one of the sexiest things she's ever done.

She holds his hand up and kisses another knuckle before one of her fingers runs over the ring and up to his nail.

"Your cuticles look like little moons," she says and he watches her lips as she says the words. They're a bit swollen and moist from their kissing.

"My what?" he asks. He's never heard that word before.

"Your cuticles," she repeats and kisses the tip of one of his fingers. "It's this part of your nail right here, like… the skin where your nail connects with the rest of your skin."

"How do you know that?" he wonders.

"I'm a girl. Girls are worried about their nails, or… most girls are."

"Oh," he smiles and uses his hands to hold onto hers and pull her to him again.

He never wants this day to end. He never wants the kissing to stop or her lips to not be there. He wants to take her after school somewhere so he can just keep kissing her.

"Catalano, you down here?" they both hear after the door opens quickly.

_Fuck._

He stands and she backs away from him a step.

"Shh," he says, looking at her wet and swollen lip one more time. "The fact that we come here?" He places his hands on her shoulders because it's a safe place to touch her. If he touched her face, he'd have to kiss her again. "Let's keep it like… our secret."

"Why?" she asks and he can tell she's a bit confused, or maybe even hurt by it.

"No reason."

_Liar. There's a damn good reason but she's… too sweet to think about it._

_I know she was completely uncomfortable with that rumor before that we'd had sex in the beginning of the school year. How would she feel if it got out that she was down here with me?_

_Everyone in school would suddenly be calling her a slut or even worse because she was in the boiler room with me. I don't want that for her. I don't want people giving her shit just because… because she like… got into the wrong guy._

_No one would start rumors if she were down here with some nerd or something like that curly haired kid, but if it gets out that she's with me?_

_And then she won't wanna be with me and I wouldn't get to kiss her again._

"Catalano! What are you doing?"

"Nothin'!" Jordan says as he pushes past Angela and runs to the stairs so Shane doesn't come down them and see her.

"Who you got in there?" Shane smirks.

"Uh, just- just a girl."

_He'll think it's that Melissa girl that was talking to me earlier._

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," he smiles coyly. Shane pushes into him and he shoves him back. "Get off!"

"So, nobody?"

"Shut up," Jordan says.

"Did you?" Shane laughs. "Get off? Because you're like… off your game lately."

"Yeah," Jordan nods.

_I am off my game, but… maybe I wanna play a different game._

**To Be Continued**


	7. Chapters 30 thru 34

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 30-34 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 30 thru 34 of 100**

**30**

That week was the best week of Jordan Catalano's entire life.

Every day, every second they could, their mouths were fused together.

They'd meet before school and during lunch, during fifth period and the last fifteen of ninth and in the middle of third…

It was incredible to him, even if he was jerking off twenty times a day, thinking about her. None of that mattered because when he was with her, he was thinking about the kissing and how it made him feel real.

She'd pull him close and hold him as she placed light kisses all over his face, on his cheeks, on his forehead, and he'd do the same to her and it was more intense than sex.

He wasn't sure if that made sense or not but that's how it felt.

Thinking of kissing her made trying to sleep in the damp dingy basement of his house seem doable.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday… the days bleed into each other and the only time he feels like he's really breathing is when her mouth is on his and he can taste her tongue.

Friday night comes and it seems almost sad to him that he won't get to kiss her again until Monday morning, but…

_My life is divided or something, split. It's like… there's being with Angela, whether we're eating candy on my car or in the boiler room kissing, it's like… magic. It's like we have our own little world. This little Jordan and Angela universe where I can just be me and she's just her and it's real and perfect._

_Then there's the rest of my life where I'm the lazy, stupid, kid. Or the worthless, lazy, waste of money. Or the ice cold, cool user. Either way, whether I'm in class, at home or with my friends, it's completely different from being with her._

_And I don't know how to put those two together. I don't even want them together. I do not want my two lives together. I don't want her ever seeing me like the teachers do and I do NOT want her ever knowing the old man or the life I have with him. And I sure as hell don't want her near my friends since they can be real assholes and would never understand me and her._

_They'd never understand what it is about her that attracts me because she's not slutty or hot like Kimmy or Nancy or whoever the fuck they're seeing. She's just… Angela. And they wouldn't get that and I know they'd use it to hurt her somehow. They'd say stuff to her or start rumors or treat her like they do the others and she's not like that._

_So I just don't want my worlds to mix. Ever._

"There's Rayanne Graff and that weird girl she always hangs out with," Shane says as Jordan walks by him to take another shot at the table. "Ya know, your girlfriend."

_See? He knows her name. It's come up in our conversations a ton. It's not like he doesn't know who she is, but yet he calls her 'the weird girl'. She's just weird to them because she doesn't parade around showing off her chest to everyone that'll look._

_I look over to her and pray to anything in the world that she does not come over here. I'm… doing it to protect her from them. And I guess me too, in a way._

_I don't really care what they think about me, do I? I don't think I do, but then again… maybe a little? I mean… I don't want them knowing I can't read good so I must care a little._

"Is she still drooling after you?" Shane laughs. "She's like… coming over here. Is she that much of a loser that she doesn't get it?"

"Shut up," Jordan says as she arrives and the urge to kiss her is there but muted.

"Hi."

"Hi."

_Doesn't she get it? That like… her and them just have to stay separate for many reasons, some I know and some maybe I don't. But I just need her to get that._

"Uh, you're kinda crowding me."

_I just need them to be separate._

He takes the shot and she turns from him.

_Maybe it makes me a jerk but I just…if she starts mixing with them, then what's to stop home from mixing with her? Will she wanna come to my house? Will she want her parents to meet mine? I just…_

He knows when she leaves. It's like he's connected with her or something and he knows the second she leaves.

"Hey, Graff, wanna play?" Shane says and Jordan turns to see her there, looking pissed.

"Shut up."

She yanks the pool stick from his hands and he stands to face her.

_And Tino likes spending time with her? This chick is scary._

"You know you like her," she states.

He knows she probably knows every detail about the boiler room and that's scary too.

"Would it kill you to admit it? Maybe treat her halfway decent?"

_I'm trying to treat her that way by keeping her away from them._

She shoves the stick back in his hand as she steps closer to him and he can see how angry she is, even if she's acting cool.

"Because you know, she deserves it. And she's not gonna wait around for you forever."

_What's that supposed to mean?_

"Man, they're like weird, you know. Both of them."

"Yeah," he sighs. "Not… not weird. Just… let's get outta here," Jordan says. "I just don't wanna be here any more."

"There's like nothing else to do. We could call the guys and-"

"No. Not them. I can't put up with them. I just- let's go."

They're quiet as Jordan drives and he parks near the train tracks. They get out and put the top down and relax on his car, smoking.

"I'm into her," Jordan says after a while.

Shane just laughs. "Duh."

"Whatever," Jordan says. "But… is that so bad? I mean… like really. Is that such a horrible thing?"

"Besides she's out of your league?"

"But… she's not. She's… I don't know; there's just something about her, Shane. Something that I just find completely… uncommon."

A few minutes more pass and Jordan sits up and lights another cigarette.

"She's the one I've been downstairs with this week."

"HER?!" Shane practically yells. "The red head? Angela?!"

"Yes, Angela, but it's not… it's not like that, Man. It's… not about that. It's not that at all, so don't go to school on Monday saying shit."

"Wow… you really are into her," Shane sighs and throws the cigarette butt to the ground. "Like for real."

"Yeah," Jordan confirms. "I really am. It's like… sort of strange how it all happened, but still…"

"So…"

"So I don't want you guys giving her shit or saying shit about her. She's not like the others, not like Kimmy or Kathy, Chrissy- whoever the fuck else you want to say. She's not like them. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Shane nods. "But you'll probably have to beat Kevin into submission on this one."

"I just… don't know what to do. She's probably pissed now about this or whatever."

"That's why we never did this, but I told you, didn't I? That is a girlfriend girl. She does not do like… boiler room trysts. She wants dates."

"Yeah," Jordan sighs and throws the cigarette to the ground as he jumps off the trunk of his car and goes walking down the tracks.

**31**

_This weekend was for shit and throughout the whole fucking thing, all I could think about was her and how I might have messed it up._

_I had that bitch girlfriend of my father's fucking slap me, like I'll let HER do that shit? So I went into their room while they were gone and put a couple cockroaches in her drawer. She screamed so loud when she finally found them, it was worth it._

_Rick told me he might be fucking moving to Seattle with Katie, which would make me wanna kill myself, as if I don't have other reasons._

_And then there's this thing with Angela…_

_That's why I thought putting a note in her locker would be best. I figure if she's down here, it means she's not mad and forgives me. Right?_

And he's relieved to see her sitting there, waiting for him.

He approaches hesitantly but she doesn't yell. He pulls her up in front of him so he can press his lips to hers. She's the only thing that seems to make any sense to him and he needs that after the weekend he had.

_She tastes like orange juice and smells of vanilla and her tongue feels the same as it did last week._

He feels her fingers stroking his face softly for a second before she pushes him away.

"Don't say hello, or anything."

"Hello," he says awkwardly and then thinks perhaps that would have been a good opening line earlier.

"I can't believe I came here. Why did you ask me to come here?"

He wants to tell her what he feels, that she's the only thing that makes sense. That he has more people trying to slap him around at home and kick him out and his sister might be leaving too and he's failing yet again and she's the only thing that makes that better.

But he can't. He can't find the words.

"Why are you like this?" she nearly yells.

"Like what?" he asks, confused at her hurt. He thought she'd be angry. He was expecting angry. He can deal with angry, but hurt?

"Like how you are."

He realizes in that moment how different they really are and how different she is from anyone else he's known. There's no way she can truly understand him because her life is not like his.

"So leave," he says, wanting her to stay, wanting to make her stay, but knowing she should go, knowing he's not good enough.

She starts to leave and he hates himself for that.

"Admit it first," she says.

"Admit what?"

_Admit that she matters? That all this matters? That I don't want her to go? That I don't fucking know what to do anymore?_

"That all of this happened. That you have emotions."

He rolls his eyes to cover how the words hurt him. He does have emotions, he just can't show them; he wasn't taught how.

"That you can't like- treat me one way in from of your friends and the next minute leave me some note."

He stares at her, unsure of what she wants him to say or do, unsure of what he wants to say or do. His eyes dart away from hers because hers are too honest, too brave, too demanding.

"And by the way, I spell my name with one L."

His eyes snap to her as she leaves and the dig cuts into him deeply.

He kicks the fence violently and throws a crate at the wall before storming up the stairs.

_And now I fucking have English with her and… if I don't go, she'll be mad or maybe she won't even care. But if I do go, I might be able to say something or see if she'll look at me._

He walks into class and takes his seat but she never shows.

The new teacher is reading sections to them and he listens to one poem.

//I love to hear her speak, yet well I know

That music hath a far more pleasing sound//

The words remind him of Angela, the way she always talks when she's nervous and fills the silences.

//I grant I never saw a goddess go

My mistress when she walks treads on the ground//

_And she's sometimes so awkward, the way she stands or walks or even tilts when she's trying to get me to offer something she wants…_

//And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare

As any she belied with false compare//

_She is rare too- uncommon. She's like nothing else, like no one else, and I fucking let her leave._

He listens and all he can think of is Angela, all he can see is her face and her smile and the way her hair tucks in behind her ears and the way her lips move as she says the word cuticles.

"So he's -- not in love with her?"

"Yeah," Jordan hears his own voice before he knows he's spoken. "He is."

He knows he's very much in love with her- the man in the poem with his girl.

"Well, why is that? Why is he in love with her? What is it? What is it about her?"

_Because she's real, because she's…_

"She's not just a fantasy. She's got like -- flaws. She's real."

_For once, I knew an answer. And she wasn't here to hear it._

**32**

He walks out of English and heads to his locker holding the assignment he actually started in class.

After the teacher had read the poem, he told them to write a short essay or poem about someone who is real to them, to focus on the flaws that make them beautiful.

He looks over his words and he knows they're simple, but… they're her.

//The way you tuck your hair

The way you seem to stare

The look in your eyes

Never tells lies

The way you bite your lip

And kiss my finger tip

Vanilla on my brain

Your driving me insane//

He wonders if he'd ever have the nerve to give it to her but he knows she's much braver than he is, even if she didn't hand him that letter, she still wrote it.

"Hey," Shane says as he walks up to Jordan with the others.

"Hey," Jordon nods and leans back against the locker just as he sees the flash of red down the hall. She looks at him and then back to her friends.

"Go," he hears Shane whisper to him.

Jordan turns to him, "huh?"

"It'll be fine, Man," is his friend's response.

Jordan somehow finds the strength to push away from the lockers and the hallway has never seemed longer.

She runs her hand through her hair as she tries not to focus on him, as she tries to be cool, even when he's a foot away from her, she tries not to give anything away.

His heart is pounding in his chest because if she turns him down, it'll be in front of everyone but he just needs her to understand him- and how he is.

"Can we-" He looks behind her, at her friends and how they're staring at him, how everyone is and he knows suddenly where he wants to take her. "Can we go somewhere?"

"Sure," she smiles.

They turn together and she tucks her hair behind her ear and when her hand falls back down, he slips his own inside it as they walk by his friends.

They walk out of the school and when they reach his car, he presses her against it, leaning into her and whispers, "Hello."

She just laughs a bit before he kisses her softly.

"Get in," he says and opens the door for her before going around to the other side.

"Where are we going? I… I have geometry review."

"Do you care?" he asks honestly.

"No," she shakes her head and looks down as he slips his hand into hers as he pulls out of the parking spot. "So… where are we going?"

"You'll see," he says and she's quiet as he drives the short distance to Rick's house. He knows she'll ask when he parks in the driveway so he answers, "no, it's not my house."

He sees Sherri sitting on the steps waiting for the bus.

"Hey, Jordan," she smiles and looks at Angela.

"Hey, can I… cover you for like a half hour?"

"You know he'd kill me if he found out. But I'll just read upstairs."

"Thanks," he nods and she goes into the house.

"Who was that?" Angela asks as he sits on the steps.

She sits next to him. "That was Sherri, the babysitter."

"Babysitter? Please don't tell me you have a kid or something," she says.

"Not that I know of," he laughs and bumps her shoulder with his.

"So who does she-"

"JORDIE!" Katie screams from the window of the bus.

"Jordie?" Angela questions.

The bus stops and she races off the bus and up the walkway so she can slam into him.

"Hey," he smiles and hugs her tightly. "Told you I'd come this week, didn't I?"

"Who's that?" she asks, pointing at Angela.

"That's my friend from school. Her name is Angela. Angela, this is my sister, Katie."

"Oh hi," she smiles at the little girl. "It's nice to meet you."

"Your hair is funny," Katie laughs and grabs Jordan's hands. Then she walks up his legs and flips over.

"Do you have homework to do? Sherri said you'd better do it."

"Yeah, yeah, so you go to school with Jordie? He's real smart. He made me shelves for my room, wanna see? C'mon!" He watches as Katie drags Angela inside and he follows.

They stay for the half hour and Katie shows Angela everything he's ever given her or made for her, including a picture of him holding her the day she was born.

"That's MY Jordie," Katie smiles proudly as she shows it off.

"I know, but look how little he is," Angela says.

"And what big ears he had," Katie adds.

"You should talk," Jordan responds. "Look, Katie, we gotta go though because you have homework and I told Sherri we couldn't stay long."

"Yeah, okay, but can you come this weekend? I wanna go to that playground again and get ice cream."

"We'll see. I'll talk to Rick, okay? I promise. Now gimme a hug."

She insists on hugging Angela as well and he takes her hand as they leave the house and get back in the car.

"So… I didn't know you had a sister."

"Yeah, she obviously doesn't live with me."

"Yeah, why? Who's Rick?"

He backs out of the driveway and doesn't know where to go next so he just heads for the train tracks. She doesn't say she needs to go home, so he doesn't worry about it. He just wants to spend time with her.

"He's her father. My mother slept with him, obviously. She got pregnant and had Katie, but Katie- I mean… my mom died when she had Katie. So Katie went with Rick and I stayed with my father. Rick lets me see her sometimes, not as much as I'd like, but…"

"I'm so sorry," she says quickly. "I didn't know she like… I mean when you were that young?"

"I was ten," he nods. "It was a long time ago. I barely remember it, like what it was like. I couldn't understand, ya know? I was too little."

"Yeah," she says and he notices how she runs her fingers over his hand as he drives and how nice it feels to be touched that way.

He turns the car off and turns toward her. "So… I guess that's a little part of how."

"How what?" she asks.

"How I am," he responds before pressing his mouth to hers.

**33**

"So I keep thinking that like… we'll have one practice where we don't fight and we can actually play more than four songs without screaming," he says as he puts his head back against the fence.

"Well… you are all like… teenage boys. Lots of hormones there, if I paid attention in health more, I could probably explain it better," she says, picking up his hand.

_It's like she always wants to be touching me._

_We'll be in the hallway at her locker and she'll just touch my arm for no reason._

_Or in English and we had to work in pairs to answer these questions, she turned and grabbed my hand and said, "partners." Then she read the questions to me and wrote down the answers I gave so we'd get credit._

_Then we'll be kissing and she won't just kiss me, she'll run her fingers through my hair or touch my face or whatever._

_I can understand it because I always wanna touch her, but in much better places that her arm._

"Yeah, they're all idiots, thinking we can learn fifteen songs and play them well. You have to work on one song at a time, but they all wanna do different things and we get nothing accomplished. It's fuckin' annoying."

Her eyes flicker a bit strangely.

"What?" he asks and catches her index finger with his.

"Nothing. I just… don't think I've heard you swear."

"I swear all the time, just… not around nice girls."

"You think I don't?"

"I've never heard you swear. Rayanne swears like a sailor, but I've never heard you," he says, almost challenging her.

"Fuck. There. Okay? You've heard me."

He laughs a little. "Okay. Angela Chase swears."

"Like… constantly," she adds.

"Suuure," he grins and grabs her hand suddenly and yanks her forward so their lips meet in between the two crates they're sitting on.

_Every time I kiss her seems better than the last. I don't see how that's even like… possible, but it is. I want her so fucking much, I can't stand it. But every time I try and push just a bit, she pulls away._

Her hands slide into his hair as their mouths mold to each other. He bites her bottom lip softly before easing it with his tongue.

His hands slide down her arms and he pulls at her baggy shirt to sneak a hand under it. The skin underneath is so warm, he thinks it'll burn his fingers.

"So, I gotta go," she says suddenly, pulling away. "I mean… it's almost seventh and I have a big Spanish test tomorrow, so I should be there."

She stands but he catches her hand in his.

"It's just my hand, Angela," he says quietly. "And my cuticles of course."

"And it's Spanish. I- I have to go."

She kisses his forehead before leaving.

_See? That's what she does constantly._

_It's like… we've been together now for like two weeks. I mean really together as much as we can at school and after school and before school, during lunch, even on the weekend. Last weekend, we picked up Katie and took her to lunch. Then we parked at the train tracks and just sat, talked, made out…_

_And it's good. It's amazing, but… she drives me crazy._

_I could jack off thirty times a day and it wouldn't help, nothing does, except the thought of her, being with her, seeing her, touching her, ANYTHING._

He sighs before heading up the stairs, figuring he'll go to math and hope for the best, hope there aren't a lot of word problems.

"Catalano!" Jordan turns to see Kevin running up to him. "So Tino says we can practice again today after school."

"I can't. I have to work at my uncle's garage today. He's really backed up and I need the cash."

"Having a girlfriend gets expensive," he smirks. "I mean condoms alone are-"

"Shut the fuck up," he says. "I need the cash for my car. Insurance is due soon and I can't fuckin' count on the old man for shit these days."

_As if I ever could._

"Well, I'll let everyone know then. We'll probably still practice. Your parts are usually pretty tight."

"Yeah, that's fine," he nods and walks a bit further because he sees Angela walking toward her Spanish room. "Bye." He runs ahead and catches her right before she enters.

"Hey," she says. "Did I forget something?"

"This," he whispers and kisses her softly.

"Aww, if that isn't the cutest thing I've ever heard, now cut it out before I barf," Rayanne says as she leans against them both and rests her chin on Angela's shoulder. "Go beat it, Catalano, you had your turn."

"My car after school?" he says to her, ignoring her friend.

"Yeah. I'll meet you there."

"Mmm… saucy," Rayanne giggles and pulls Angela inside the class.

He manages to suffer through three periods and then it's the end of the day and he realizes he only skipped one class, instead of five. Perhaps he's just decided he doesn't wanna make it too easy for the teachers to expel him or fail him.

After school, he leans against the door and lights up while he waits. His friends laugh as they walk off.

_But it's not like they don't all run to their girlfriends too, their girlfriends just happen to be sleeping with half the school. Mine isn't. So why does that make me the chump?_

_Oh yeah, because she's not sleeping with me._

**34**

"Hey," she says as he turns to get in the car as she does. "So I actually have a chance of passing my shop class this quarter now because I got paired with a boy!"

"Huh?"

"Well c'mon, I have no interest in hammering anything or using a saw to chop something in two and I have to take shop to get the credit. But luckily, when Mr. Thomas picked the partners today, I got a boy! It's the best."

"Well if it's Rickie, he probably won't be of help. I wouldn't think."

"It's not Rickie; it's that guy that hangs out with that other guy whose girlfriend has the long blonde hair. He's a senior, I think."

"Stan?! Is his name Stan?!"

"Yes!" she smiles. "That's him. So I told him I'd do all the work, all the drawings and worksheets and partner quizzes if he did all the actual like… shop stuff."

"Stan?" he repeats.

_STAN?! I fucking hate that guy. He's such an asshole._

"Yes, Stan. He's got short black hair and is outrageously tall? So he agreed to the deal and told me to stay out of his way, which is just fine with me."

"You really should stay out of his way, okay? He's not a good person. I mean… my friends can be assholes, but he's a real one."

He doesn't like the idea of her hanging out with him, even if it's just in class.

"And don't… mention me around him. It'd be better if he didn't know we're friends."

"Huh?" she asks.

_That guy fucking hates me because I sort of… I did his girlfriend, but it's not like they were together at the time. They'd broken up and she was all over me at this party and-_

"Why doesn't he like you? And we're friends?"

"We aren't friends?" he asks, wondering why she seemed to take offense to the idea of them being friends.

_She's basically the only person in my life who I can talk to about almost anything._

"Well… yes, I suppose, but I also don't make out with Rayanne and Rickie, so it's not like we're just friends."

He sighs, knowing he's said something now that a girlfriend type girl gets angry over.

"I'm just saying that you don't want him knowing we're friends and you really don't want him knowing we make-out."

"And you haven't told me why."

He turns into the garage lot and parks.

"C'mon," he says and opens the car door. "You said you wanted to watch."

"I do. I'm fascinated."

_She's asked me about the cars and what I do in my uncle's garage a lot, so I told her to just come with me so she could see._

"But why?" she asks as they get out of the car and she brings her book bag with her.

_She really needs to let this go because I know she won't like the answer._

"You can meet my uncle if he's here, I guess, if you want."

_I hope he won't be because then he'd say something to the old man and then it'd just become an issue or something._

"Jordan, why?"

"Because I-" He starts to yell but instead steps closer to her. "Because I did his girlfriend at this party last summer. Or… she was his ex then but now she's not and he like… punched me in school when he found out and he was suspended for a week and thrown off the basketball team, so aren't you glad you asked now?"

He steps back and pulls out a cigarette.

"So if he were to find out that you're my-" He still can't bring him to use the word girlfriend because it just seems like she's more than that, or… less than that.

It's hard for him to explain it.

"My friend… he would just… he might try and hurt your grade or something to get back at me."

"Your friend," she says and she tucks her hair behind her ear. "Fine. I won't mention you to him and hopefully no one else will. Let's just go inside."

He goes to take her hand but she puts her hand in her pocket instead.

_This is exactly the reason why I've never done girlfriends._

He walks in and she follows him in back, behind the counter into his uncle's office.

"Guess he's not here. C'mon, you can sit at one of the work benches."

"Hey, Little Cat, you workin' today?" one of the mechanics in the shop says as Jordan walks in, Angela in tow.

"Yeah, what is there?"

"Break jobs, oil changes, transmission checks- we've got ten cars out in the lot that still need to be cleared by five. Who's that?"

"Angela, a friend from school," Jordan answers and announces, "this is Big John, my uncle's partner."

"Hi," Angela smiles and John waves.

"She's just gonna watch so she knows how truly boring it is."

"Well Little John's on a break, but he'll be back and hopefully we'll get it all done. So grab an order and get started."

"Big John and Little John?" Angela asks Jordan when he brings her over to an empty bench. He pulls over a stool for her as well.

"Yeah, last names. It's Catalano and Johnson Repairs. That's Bob Johnson and his son Mike Johnson is Little John."

"So you're Little Catalano," she laughs. "Little Cat and Jordie, I am so giving you shit for those. Oh, I guess I swore again."

_She is just… I didn't think she would ever be like this, like funny or what was that word? From class the other day that came up… quordy? No. Quirky! That's what it was- she's quirky._

"Whatever," he sighs as he gets to work.

He does two oil changes and three break jobs and finally at five, the board is clear and he washes his hands before going over to Angela who'd been working on her homework all afternoon.

"My mother will be so proud. I did all my homework. Of course, I'm going to tell her that. I'll let her sweat it out a bit."

"C'mon. I'll take you home or… whatever."

"Oh, okay. You're done?"

"Yeah, wasn't it fascinating?" he laughs a bit.

"It was boring as hell. But… you said you could just work here if you wanted?"

"Yeah, if I dropped out, my uncle would… he never had a son. He just has three daughters and none of them want the business, so he said he'd give it to me, if I wanted it. But I'd rather do rebuilds or detailing than repair shit."

She follows him to his car and they get in and he leans over to kiss her and she turns her head away.

"What?"

_I didn't even touch her that time, why is she pulling away?_

"Well if we're friends, we don't do that."

He wants to scream or hit something because it's-

"You don't fucking get it," he snaps, turning so he's facing forward. He starts the car.

"Then make me," she says, touching his hand.

_Okay, I can do this. I have to do this so she's not mad at me about shit._

"I… I could say you're like… my girlfriend, but doesn't it mean more that we're friends?"

"What?"

He turns toward her so he can look at her and try to find the words, the way to explain it and how he feels about girlfriends.

"Look, okay… Kevin has this girlfriend Nancy and-"

"She's the one with really curly brown hair?"

"Yeah. And Tim has this girlfriend Kim. And Tino has… well… Rayanne, I guess. I mean he refers to her as his girlfriend."

"Yeah, so?" she says, looking at him expectantly.

"So they don't give a shit about them, Angela. They all constantly cheat on each other, sometimes with each other. Nancy has two other boyfriends and Kevin picks up girls at Let's Bolt every weekend. Kim is like twenty-three and lives with another guy!

"My dad parades a new girlfriend through the house on a monthly basis and then they're gone. The word… it doesn't mean anything. It's like… to them all a girlfriend is is like this… thing to do when they can't get something better.

"That's not- that's not what we are. I actually like you, but they don't like them, get it?"

She stares at him for a few long seconds and then touches his face gently.

"Now who talks too much?" she laughs and leans over and kisses him briefly. "But I do have to go home."

"Yeah," he sighs. "But you… get it?"

"Yeah," she nods. "I get it. We're friends."

"Good," he responds and slips his hand into her hand.

**To Be Continued**


	8. Chapters 35 thru 39

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 35-39 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Thanks to all who are reading! You're going to start to see some more additions in here- adding or exploring scenes a bit more. And the boiler room scenes, I'm told, are a bit hot, even if it's just kissing- I'm inspired by Jared's amazing mouth!! I've also just written the first couple love scenes up in chapter 90!! I'm almost done writing this massive fic and I'm glad people are reading it!! I'm struggling for a good place to end it so if you have any ideas for how you'd like this school year to end for them... throw them my way!!

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 35 thru 39 of 100**

**35**

"Stop the car! Stop!"

_Oh my god! After this, my car will never the same. It won't forgive me._

She finally gets it to stop and quickly puts it into park and looks at him.

"Well, you shouldn't have let me."

_Well she did say that, but she also said she wished her parents would take her for more practice._

"I told you I couldn't drive. This is only like my second time-"

_I cover her mouth with mine quickly because she's always going on about stuff and usually it's because she's nervous I'll be mad at her or something, so I kiss her instead of letting her worry._

He sweeps his tongue inside her mouth and licks the inside before pulling away just slightly. He wants to lick everywhere on her. He wants to pull off her clothes and feel her naked beneath him and he moves to kiss her again but she pulls away slightly.

"-behind the wheel," she finishes and looks away. "I'm really sorry. I couldn't find the brake."

_I don't get why she's completely like… afraid of me. I get that she hasn't done it yet but… she can't tell me she doesn't get turned on by our make-out sessions in the boiler room. Fuck, it's so unbelievably hot, it could be porn. I've been so close to coming sometimes, I had to stop it._

_So she can't say that she hasn't felt that. I know she's felt it because of the way she gets flushed and starts breathing a little erratic…_

_But she won't let anything happen!_

"How long are we supposed to keep doin' this?" he asks, frustrated.

_If she would just let something happen, it wouldn't be driving me this crazy._

_She's just… any time I make any kind of move toward anything other than kissing, she pulls away and leaves. Like… does she trust me that little to think I'd be mean or something? Or force her to go too far too soon? I just… need something._

"I know. I mean-- what do you mean?" she asks and he has a hard time believing she doesn't know what he means.

"You know what I mean," he says, rolling his eyes angrily.

"Well, yeah," she says, blushing a bit and he kisses her jaw bone softly. "Well, what do you want me to do? I mean, I *know* what you want me to do, but-"

_I just wish she'd… tell me what the problem is. I don't think I've pushed too much. I just wanna feel her._

"Do you ever get obsessed with the rear-view mirror, like, while you're driving?"

"Look, can't we just-"

"Just what? Just do it? Right here in the parking lot?"

_Sometimes she's so old, like it feels like I'm talking to an adult and then other times, it's like I'm talking to Katie._

"We're not in a parking lot; we're in a car," he grins.

_I get it. It's probably not where she imagines her first time, so-_

"Why, where do you wanna do it?"

"Oh, I don't know."

_I don't get how she can just be so childish about this when a half hour ago she had her tongue in my mouth licking my cheeks._

"How about in my room tonight after my parents fall asleep?" she laughs and then whispers, "we'll have to be really quiet."

_I'm not joking about this. I mean… does the thought of having sex with me amuse her? She fucking wrote me a five page letter all about how she like… loved me or whatever and she never thought about what she'd do if she got me?_

_She doesn't think about it now?_

"What, you actually like expect me to choose a place?"

"Well, yeah," he answers honestly.

_I wanna know something anyway. I wanna know why she's so scared about this or what I'm doing to make her think it'll be this horrible thing that she should dread._

"I better go to geometry," she says and he just stares at her for a few seconds before getting out of the car.

He has to drive them back and inspect the bumper of the car.

He leans against the side of the car and puts his head back a bit and stares up at the clouds and suddenly she's next to him, not touching him though.

"Me and my mom used to have these picnics during my sister's nap time when I got home from school. We'd lay a blanket out on the grass and stare at the clouds and look for shapes and stuff."

"Yeah," he sighs and moves away from her toward the back of the car to look for damages.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"About what? The car or-"

"I just… it's weird okay? Like… practically like half the girls at school have been in the boiler room with you. I'm-"

"Not even half," he interrupts, examining the bumper.

"Is it broken?" she asks nervously.

"No, it's fine but she's angry at you now."

"Well I'll buy her some candy and she'll be fine."

He stands and looks at her. "It's like five. I'm not Kevin picking up new girls every week and when I said I was with you, I meant it. So I don't see what the problem is."

"Me then. I don't… I don't know. I just need time."

"Time for geometry," he says. "So get in, I'll drive us back since we won't make it if you drive."

They're both quiet as he drives back and parks near the back of the school lot where they'll go unnoticed as they sneak back in to school.

"Are you mad?" she asks, fidgeting with her sleeves.

"No. Yes. I don't know. Frustrated, I guess," he says and gets out of the car, leaving her to think.

He lights a cigarette and she gets out a few minutes later and stands next to him. She wraps her arm around one of his.

"It's just strange picturing it or what it'd be like, what to expect… or… I don't know."

They both hear the bell ring and he puts out the cigarette.

"You better get to class."

"Yeah," she sighs and pulls away from him but he catches her hand.

_I'm being an ass, right? Like making her feel like shit right now?_

"Hanging out at the shop again after school? I'm changing mufflers today."

The sad goes away and she smiles happily. "Yeah. I'll… see you in lunch?"

"Boiler room? I'll bring the ice cream," he says since she mentioned that she really wanted ice cream earlier.

"You'll be my best friend if you bring ice cream," she laughs and he kisses her cheek before she dashes off.

**36**

"Woah, did you even go to fifth period?" she asks as she turns the corner to find the array of snacks on one of the crates. "Or did you rob a convenient store?"

"You said to buy my car candy, so…"

She sets her book bag down and sits on one of the crates.

"So it's like a smorgasbord of junk food."

"What's that? That word you said?"

"Smorgasbord? It's like… it means like a buffet or a large variety of something, but don't ask me how to spell it because I'm not even sure if I pronounce it right and you brought ice cream!"

She grabs an ice cream sandwich and opens it up.

_This has sort of become our own little place. Like there are these empty crates here so we just use them to sit on if we get tired of standing while making out or we'll sit on them and just talk._

_Sometimes we go out to my car too, but we're here today._

"And I am hungry since I woke up late and didn't eat breakfast."

"Why didn't you tell me that?" he wonders. "I could have stopped somewhere earlier instead of risking my life in a car with you."

"I wasn't that bad and I wasn't hungry then 'cause I was scared I'd kill your car and you'd never speak to me again."

"You can't kill her. She'll never die because I'll just keep bringing her back to life."

"Well won't it rust eventually?" she asks and he throws a gummy bear at her.

"Don't say that! Take that back."

"Well I haven't taken chemistry or anything, so don't quote me, but I think that's what happens to cars."

"No, because I remove rust and keep it clean and freshly painted."

_Just the idea of not having my car makes me depressed. How could she say that to me?_

"You shouldn't pout; it doesn't become you," she says and leans over to kiss his bottom lip.

"Doesn't become me? What's that?"

"It's like… it doesn't suit you."

_I love that I can ask her those questions about words I don't know and she explains them without making me feel like an idiot._

"So we're changing bio lab partners next week, which I'm dreading of course."

"You want a boy partner," he laughs, knowing what she's going to say.

"Yes. Is that so wrong? Can't we just choose our own lab partners? I want a dumb one that'll just do all the cutting and leave me alone."

"Instead of…?"

"Brian Krakow, the smartest person in this school who got assigned to me last semester and ended up volunteering me to do extra credit with him. And he was too smart to fall for my deal. So I'm hoping for someone dumb or bloodthirsty, either way."

"Too bad we're not in the same lab because I'd be your partner," he says, staring at the pile of candy before selecting one.

"That wouldn't be good though because we'd probably distract each other and end up dissecting a finger or something."

He watches as she grabs the last ice cream bar and opens it.

"What are you doing in shop today?" he asks, putting his foot up to stretch a bit.

"I have no idea," she rolls her eyes. "Mr. Thomas said for our quarter project we'll be designing some kind of apparatus. I don't know what that means."

"He'll probably tell you to make something built to solve a simple problem. That's the tenth grade shop project. Like… me and Shane made this machine that would shut off your alarm in the morning, but instead of just hitting the button, you pulled this chord that tripped all these things to happen to eventually make a weight fall on the button."

"And you can just… do that stuff? That's like… insane," she sighs. "I just hope Stan knows what he's doing, even if he doesn't, as long as I pass I'm fine. I don't think my parents have high expectations for me in gym and shop."

"Well if you need ideas or help with the drawings, I can do it for you."

"Hopefully it'll be okay," she says and puts her head back and sighs. "I am ready for a vacation. I am ready for Christmas. I want no school for one whole week."

"Well soon enough," he shrugs.

_I don't look forward to Christmas. At all._

_Nowadays? I just look forward to her._

**37**

"So what do you do for Christmas?" she asks.

_Well… for the Christmases before my mother died, I got nothing that I remember. For the years afterwards, I usually got a beating followed by stale cookies._

"Not much," he whispers before walking over to the crate where she's sitting.

She stands and he slips his arm around her waist and draws her close to him.

She tastes like ice cream sandwich this time and he pushes her back until she's up against the fence and one of her hands is in his hair and the other lands on his waist and grips his shirt.

He pushes this time, for a deeper kiss, a harder kiss and she responds back with the same intensity.

_She can't tell me she doesn't think about it when she kisses me like me._

_She can't act so young about this when her hand twists up in my shirt._

His mouth glides down her jaw to her neck and she tilts her head back as he licks up her throat and then kisses the line of saliva hotly. He pushes her hair back a bit so he has more of her neck exposed.

He runs his thumb up and down over the column of her throat, down to her collarbone and hears her whimper just slightly.

_See? She just needs to know how good it'll be._

_I mean… I'm just saying that girls seem to like having sex with me since Cynthia or Chrissy are always coming on to me, which means it's good._

_And I don't even give a shit about them._

_I care about her. It'll be so… amazing._

He officially has no blood left in his brain but it doesn't stop him from sliding the hand that's not caressing her neck down to her waist and around her back and up under her shirt.

This time she doesn't stop him and he rests his hand on the small of her back, rubbing her warm skin. It feels soft to him and he thinks it's funny how he never really thought a girl's skin was soft before.

Her hand in his hair pulls his mouth back to hers and away from her neck and her kisses are hungry now, hungrier than they've been before.

He slides his hand down to just dip under the waistline of her jeans and he pulls her hips closer, pushes his against hers so she can feel him and how much he wants her, how bad he wants this.

"Catalano! You here?!"

_Fuck!_

_FUCK!!_

_Shane, I fucking hate you._

She yanks away from him like a spring, amd the flush that's come over her makes her almost glow, he thinks.

"Yeah, what?!" he shouts back, not being able to move yet.

"Tino's here, band meeting in his car. Now. Hi, Angela!"

"Um… hi?" she responds quietly; he doesn't hear her.

"I'll be there in a few," Jordan answers and they hear the door close behind him.

Neither of them moves for a minute or two. He just stands biting his thumb and she leans back against the fence, staring at light.

He's not sure what to say because he doesn't know what she's thinking and she's just feeling confused all of a sudden.

"You-" She stops because her voice is hardly there. She clears her throat and tries again. "You should probably… I mean… the meeting…"

"Yeah," he nods. "Right."

"So… I'll meet you at your car later?"

"Yeah," he says, willing himself to move a bit. He leans over and kisses her forehead gently. "Later."

Then he grabs a couple candy bars and shoves them in his pocket and he goes for the stairs. He stops at one point and turns to look at her, as if he wants to say something else, but he doesn't know what to say so he turns back around and leaves.

_Jesus, okay… that was… I wasn't the only one there wanting something. She's just scared or nervous because it's her first time and maybe she was right. She's not a do it in the boiler room girl. And she's not a back seat girl either. She's the type of girl who wants her first time to be in a bed._

_So I have to find a bed._

He finds the guys sitting around Tino's car and lights a cigarette as he approaches them.

"So we've got the loft tonight and Thursday for practice. And I heard there's this contest for an original song on K Rock, so we should work on our originals. If we could take one and send it in, who knows?"

"Really?" Jordan asks. "That's really cool."

_I know it's just a stupid dream that music for me could go anywhere, but haven't stranger things happened? Wouldn't Angela have said back in September that there was no way she'd ever be in the boiler room with me and here we are like… together._

"The deadline is two weeks, so we have a little time but not a lot, which means we practice all Sunday."

"So that's it?" Jordan asks because if this was all this 'band meeting' is, he's angry. They interrupted what was like… this amazing moment for this?

"Yeah," Tino nods. "So tonight six o'clock?"

"You promise you'll show up?" Shane asks, still bitter over a couple practices that Tino has missed.

"Yes, of course. It's rock 'n' roll time, Guys!" He jumps up on the hood of his car. "See? We'll be on top of the world! On top of the charts!"

"On top of Graff?" Kevin laughs and they turn to see Rayanne approaching with Angela.

"Bite me, Kevin," Rayanne and shoves him aside when he steps up to her.

Tino jumps down to the ground to meet her.

"Hey," he says.

Jordan tosses his cigarette to the ground as Angela steps up to him and he kisses her forehead. He slips an arm around her and pulls her so she's leaning against him and he his hand rests on her hip.

"So this is a band meeting?" Rayanne asks. "Cause it looks like a bunch of losers sitting around a car," she grins and looks at Tino.

"Oh I'm a loser?" he asks.

"Well only losers only come to school for lunch. You should go to a restaurant if you're hungry," she retorts.

"Maybe he's avoiding skanky sluts," Kevin says, glaring at her.

"Speaking of your girlfriend, I think I saw her blowing Todd Michaels under the bleachers during fourth. Might wanna check on that Kevy," she grins and taps his chest.

They all laugh a bit and Jordan kisses Angela's neck softly.

_I'm over what my friends think about Angela or me being with her._

_It's not about them. It's about the way she makes me feel and how much we're into each other. It's about us just being… friends._

"I just wanted to remind you that you said you'd give me a ride this afternoon," she says, turning back to Tino.

"Oh I'll give you a ride."

"Hold your horses, Mister. I actually have something to do, so… keep your hands to yourself this afternoon."

"What about now?" he asks and yanks her against him.

"Cue exit," Shane laughs. "Since I never wanna see my friends fucking."

"C'mon, I'll walk you to class," Jordan whispers in her ear and they turn. He takes her hand as they head back to the building.

**38**

_Problem solved._

_We need a bed and we need privacy so we can just … be together._

_Luckily Tino knows everyone everywhere, so…_

_I know it's crazy to think she might still be up but when I drive by their house, I think I see a light on. If it's not her, I think I know which window is hers upstairs._

He parks a few houses down and then walks around to the side of there to find the source of the light. That's when he sees her.

He knocks on the window a bit and then walks around to the back door.

"Hey," he says and slips in.

"Hi," she says and the look on her face is just incredibly pretty because she's surprised, because he's unexpected, because they never see each other this late.

"Wow, food," he says.

_Okay, that was dumb. I thought I'd gotten over saying dumb things in front of her._

But he's starving so he goes over and grabs a piece of sliced cheese.

"Wha-what are you doing- here? It's late. It's really-" He turns to her and she whispers, "my parents are right upstairs."

"They are?"

_Yet another dumb thing._

"Well, they live here," she says, smiling coyly.

"Well, you said you wanted to do it in your room while your parents were sleepin'," he says, stepping closer to her.

_The thought of that is really hot too. Like… me sneaking into her room and like… doing their daughter while they sleep, completely unaware of the fact that their daughter is getting some and they aren't-_

He strokes her neck softly, wanting to kiss it again like he was earlier.

"I was joking," she whispers.

_For now, but… in another month? Probably not. Once she just gets over this initial nervousness, it'll be amazing. I know it will._

_I never really pictured myself as a boyfriend type, but… I like knowing she's mine. I like knowing that we'll eat lunch together or meet up in the boiler room, sometimes even unplanned. I'll just go, hoping she'll be there, and she'll show like a minute later, having felt the same thing._

"Seriously, you have to go."

He runs his index finger over her throat.

_Her skin is so incredibly perfect, like it's just all silky and creamy…_

"Okay," he whispers and presses his lips to hers. He loves the fact that she responds so quickly. He catches her bottom lip gently and she catches his top lip so they're not just kissing, it's like… more than kissing. Not just with mouths, but with everything.

He pulls away and takes another bite of cheese.

_I have to remember to eat before I head home. I forgot yesterday and was hungry all night long._

"So, you know that empty house on Cloverdale?" he asks.

"Sh, wait a sec."

_She's so jumpy. If she wasn't so nervous all the time, she'd- well I guess she'd be like Rayanne and I wouldn't be this fascinated with her._

"The one that's been for sale like forever?" he whispers. "Tino found a way to get in, through this window in the back. So people have been going there, you know to- have a place? To go."

_Her eyes are the most incredible eyes. I never really stopped to look at anyone's eyes before, but hers are so… they just tell everything about her sometimes. Like I can look at them and know how she's feeling or I can watch as she starts getting nervous. And they're so pretty._

"So you want to?" She turns away for a second. "Friday night?"

"Like breaking and entering?"

"Just- entering," he says, a bit softer to her. "So we can- you know, be somewhere," he whispers and leans forward.

He's about to tell her that he just wants to be with her, that he it's not just about sex but because he wants to wraps his arms around her and feel her against him and-

Well, he knows he wants to say something like that, something to tell her it's not just sex, as if she doesn't know. He figures she has to know it's not just about that, but because he's just so into her, that he has been into her for so long now that he needs to be IN to her.

"Angela?"

_Oh shit. I don't care if her parents find me here, but I know she does._

"Mom?" she runs off and he grabs another piece of cheese. He wishes her mom hadn't come because he would have been able to stay more, talked to her maybe. Or least gotten a sandwich out of it.

"H- oh, yeah. Right. Mom, um, listen-"

He peaks around the wall to see if he has a clear route to the door in case he has to leave quickly, but Angela's got her mom cornered on the stairs.

He tunes them out a bit as he considers what she's actually wearing.

_Is that what she sleeps in?_

He'd never really given much thought to what she would sleep in but seeing her in a long cotton top and shorts is-

_Hot. It's really hot. I wonder if she just wakes up in the morning and her hair just looks that way or if she's one of those girls that has to stand in front of a mirror for an hour using a blow dryer or something._

_No, she's not one of those girls, is she? She can't be._

_But how can hair just be so perfect?_

He's never seen her legs and they're just as creamy as her throat.

_Wonder what else is that creamy…_

"Oh, no, me too. I agree. Absolutely. As a family."

"Okay." She glances at him and he just waits. He'll leave if he has to but he wants to kiss her again before he leaves. "Well, finish up whatever it is you're nibbling on in there-"

_If only she knew what her daughter was just nibbling on…_

"And *don't* leave a mess for me to clean up. Oh, and don't forget what we talked about tonight about daddy and me meeting your friend Jordan."

_Woah, what? They're still on that? I guess they would be, but she looks so cute when she's embarrassed._

"Ah, uh- pssh. I- I won't." He watches as she covers her face and tries to act cool in front of her mom and probably for his sake as well.

"What? Sweetheart, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. You *like* this Jordan, I have no problem with that. We just want to meet him!"

He turns away for a minute and takes another bite as he waits, glad her mom isn't coming down the stairs. He really needs to kiss her again.

She walks down and toward him and he can't help but tease her just a little.

"So, you like me?" he grins.

"Oh, shut up," she says, bumping into him playfully.

"I mean, your mother says you like me," he grins.

"Oh, shut up!" she laughs a bit and bats his chest before tucking her hair behind her ears.

_She's so fucking pretty and it's like… she doesn't know she is._

"So, Friday night?" he asks, leaning against the door, looking at her as she smiles.

"Oh, yeah, right. The house."

"There are, like, eight bedrooms."

_And I just need to be with her. Alone, where we won't be interrupted._

"That many," she says and he presses his mouth to hers and touches her neck again. It's his favorite thing of her right now.

Then he slips out.

**39**

"So… do you wanna try it again?" he asks as he plays with a piece of her hair.

"What? That? No. No way, Jordan," she says quickly and shakes her head.

"Well how else are you gonna learn if you don't practice?" he asks, kissing her neck softly.

"Maybe I shouldn't learn! I'm a terrible driver! I would have killed like… ten people if they'd been there."

He laughs a bit. "But they weren't. I won't let you kill anyone on my watch."

"I think I should just… stick with being a pedestrian or passenger. It's safer for the world," she says and he catches her hand before she can tuck her hair back.

He kisses the palm of her hand gently before putting it around him and drawing her closer to him. He catches her mouth and slides his hand across her stomach and around to her hip.

He hasn't pushed too much in the last couple days, but just enough where he knows she's turned on, where she knows he is too.

He hasn't pushed her to touch him if she doesn't want to, but she did sneak her hand under his shirt that morning and ran her fingers over his spine.

He pulls away from her lips but keeps them physically close.

"So… are you sure? I can fix anything on my car you break."

She laughs a bit and he kisses her throat and feels the vibrations of her laughter against his lips.

"I… I don't know what I'm doing. It's like I'm a complete moron or something."

"Okay. That's it. Here, switch spots with me," he says as he starts pulling her up into his lap so she can slide into the driver's seat.

"Jordan," she sighs.

"You're almost sixteen. You should know how to do this and there's nothing here. It's just a parking lot. Well, except for that squirrel, but…"

"Don't make me nervous," she whines and he slides really close to her.

"Don't be nervous. Here." He nudges her leg to the side so his foot rests on the break. His entire side is pressed against hers and he puts his arm around her shoulders.

"Oh, this helps," she whispers and turns her face toward his and their lips collide yet again. He slides his hand over her lower thigh and feels her stunted reaction.

"Now, I've got the break and gas, but you're in control. You just… have to watch where you're going. You can't decide too quick that you wanna turn. You have to know ahead of time."

"Yeah," she nods slowly and her hands stay gripped on the wheel.

"Are you going to shift it?" he asks.

"Uh huh," she nods again and he watches her hand move to shift. He presses his foot to the break as she slides it into drive. "Okay."

"The problem you had was you were putting your foot down too hard. Here… feel it." He takes her hand and puts it on his knee. "This is what you were doing," he says and shoves his foot down and the car jerks forward.

"JORDAN!" she screams and squeezes his knee as he quickly breaks and stops them.

"Relax. I got it. Trust me. But now feel the difference." He slowly puts his foot down and it gently rolls forward. "See? You couldn't feel my leg move. You just… have to be gentle with it. Slow."

_I swear to god I'm going to DIE._

_Just this damn conversation has me so hard, it's unbelievable. And then I had to put her hand on my knee?!_

He breaks again and puts the car into park.

"Now you try."

He sits back a bit but keeps his leg near so he can hit the breaks if she can't find them again.

"Okay," she says and it takes her a few seconds before she takes her hand off him and shifts the car herself.

"Now take your foot off the break and just rest it on the floor. See? It doesn't really do anything. Just because it's in drive, doesn't mean you have to floor it with the pedal to the metal. You learn in baby steps."

She nods and he watches her just stare ahead, not moving.

"Angela?" he asks, wondering she hasn't moved.

"How much of this is really about driving?" she barely whispers.

"I'm… in the beginning? All of it, but now I'm not so sure," he says honestly.

"I just…" she starts and her voice trails off.

"Don't worry," he says, sliding his hand up her thigh a little higher. "I promise it'll be nice," he whispers into her ear and starts kissing her earlobe.

"Cynthia Hargrove nice?" she asks and he stops and puts his head down on her shoulder for a minute. "I mean… she's… I've heard stuff, you know?"

"And I told you we are nothing like- YOU are nothing like them, like her. We are completely different. We're not Rayanne and Tino either, okay? We're just… us."

He starts kissing her again and she turns and meets his mouth with her own. He leaves his hand on her thigh and slides the other one under her hair to caress the back of her neck slowly.

He slides his hand up a bit higher and the car jerks forward and she screams in shock until he slips his foot on the break and stops the car.

They both put their heads back on the seat as they laugh.

"Probably should… put it in park before I go doing that," he grins.

"Yeah."

"So I'll pick you tonight around eight, okay? We managed to get the loft for practice and then I gotta swing by my house and shower and change."

She nods and looks down at her fingers. "You'll… bring like… protection, right?"

"Got it already," he says and kisses her chastely. "C'mon… we should get back. English is soon, right?"

"Yeah," she says. "We should."

**To Be Continued**

**Please feedback if you're reading! Thanks to those who already are! I love to hear from people reading my fics!**


	9. Chapters 40 thru 44

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 40-44 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 40 thru 44 of 100**

**40**

_I keep hearing it over and over in my head and I hate it._

_You're not going back next year, you fucking loser. You're too dumb to graduate anyway._

_What kind of father says that to his kid? I… I shouldn't be surprised. The kind of father that says that to his kid is probably the same kind of father who goes after him with a belt when he's eight and forgot to brush his teeth._

_I have two things in my life that actually mean anything to me: Katie and Angela._

_I get to see Katie tomorrow morning and Angela tonight._

_Tonight with Angela at the house… kissing her and touching her, feeling her near me… being inside her…_

I walk up to the porch and ring the bell.

He'd been hoping she'd be outside waiting for him but knows that her parents are probably insisting on meeting him.

The door opens and he doesn't know why he can't think of anything better to say than, "Oh." He'd been hoping she would get the door.

"Oh, back acha," her dad says and he doesn't seem all that scary, not like his father.

"Is Angela here?" he asks.

"Are you Jordan?"

"Yeah," he says. "Are you- her dad?"

_Oh my god. I can't believe I just asked that._

"Uh, yeah. So, uh you, uh you guys are going to a party?"

_A party?_

"Is that what Angela said?"

"You mean, you're not?" her dad asks quickly.

"No, we are," he says.

"She's not ready yet, so… come in."

He walks in and follows him into the living room where he sees people staring at him.

"We're just having dinner with a friend of mine."

"Oh," Jordan nods and sits on the edge of the couch.

_Why are they just staring at me? It's weird. Like adults have nothing better to do than stare at us, like we're in a zoo or something, like we're not people._

"So, do you have a major?" the guy that's not her dad asks.

"I don't think so," he shakes his head.

_Where is Angela? Why is she not ready? I told her eight and this is… weird._

"Oh, you'd probably know- um, if you did."

_And who is that? Not her mom because her mom would have introduced herself or something._

"Yeah, I probably would have gotten like a letter, or something."

"Dad!" he hears her yell.

"Yeah, that's my name," he says. "I'll be right back."

A few minutes go by of them just staring at him and him trying anything he can do to avoid those stares.

"Sorry," she says as she appears.

"Hey," he says and stands. "It's fine. We'll… bye."

He walks out and she says bye to her dad.

"Sorry," she says. "Was he mean?"

"No, just… he stares."

"Well you have that in common then," she laughs a bit nervously as she gets in the car. "How was practice?"

"Sucked. Once again, they started arguing over the fact the drumming was too good and that we don't wanna sound too good," he sighs.

"Maybe you need a new band. Or new friends."

"Or both," he laughs and slips his hand into hers.

"So what are you doing tomorrow?" she asks as she stares at his hand.

"Uh… I'm taking Katie for pancakes I guess and then I'm working. I'm replacing a transmission. It's a huge emergency thing but my uncle said I could have all the labor, so it'll be about five hundred I guess."

"Like… dollars?!" she gasps a bit. "Like… five hundred dollars? You'll just… have tomorrow?"

"Yeah, which is good since my car insurance is due next week and I need gas."

"Wow. That's… that's like… my brain can't even comprehend five hundred dollars, just having it in my pocket."

He finds a place to park the car down the street from the house.

"C'mon. The window's around back."

"Okay," she nods and follows him closely.

He climbs in first and turns to help her.

"Are you sure we won't go to jail or something? If the cops like… burst in?"

"Cops never really burst in," he says softly.

"They don't?" she wonders. "What if the neighbors like report us or something?"

"Then we'll leave."

_She is so worried about this yet she skips classes constantly when that's illegal too, technically._

He walks off to find a room but there are none empty. All the doors are closed and he goes back down to find her.

"Angela. There's like no empty rooms right now, so-"

"So what do we do?"

"Wait, I guess."

_I want to kiss her so much but I don't wanna do that in front of everyone. I mean… if it were anyone else, whatever, but not her._

_I wanna be alone with her._

"Hey, Jordan," he hears and turns to see Cynthia wave at him.

He nods and takes Angela's hand and pulls her into what used to be the living room, away from most everyone.

"I can't believe she'd say hi to you when you're here with someone else," Angela says quietly as she sits on a bench attached the fireplace.

"She's just… what's that word? That one where you don't know what's going on? Oblidious?"

"Oblivious," she corrects him.

"Yeah, that."

"So they just like… stand there and wait?" she asks, tucking her hair behind her ears and he looks at her in confusion. "Like… those girls just stand around and wait for like… one of your friends to show up and drag them upstairs?"

"I guess," he shrugs. "Or they just come to hang out."

She nods and leans back against the brick and he does the same.

_Why does this now feel weird? It won't be once we're alone. I just… when we kiss or whatever, it's… I don't want people watching and she's so nervous about things anyway, I just sit and wait._

_But that's awkward too, so I need something to say._

"See, I was wrong. There- there's only like three bedrooms."

_That's a ridiculous thing to say, Jordan. Why do I feel nervous now?_

"Oh."

"Someone told me there were like eight- but- they were wrong."

"Right."

_This is… crazy. I just need her alone so it doesn't feel like we're waiting outside the principal's office._

"I'll be right back."

_There has to be one free now. Guys that come here do not take long and girls don't expect them to._

He's pleased to find he's right because the door opens and Shane comes out, followed by some girl he doesn't recognize.

"Catalano! Hey!"

"Hey," he nods. "Done?"

"Yeah, I'd say," the girl laughs.

"So you're here with-"

"Angela, yes," Jordan nods. "I gotta go get her."

He goes back down to see her hug Rayanne.

"There's an empty room now, so-"

"Um- I- I'm kinda worried," she says as she slowly backs up away from him. "About Rayanne."

"What about her? I- I thought I just saw her leave."

_I know what's happening here. Fuck I know what's going to happen in front of everyone, all my friends, their girlfriends… she looks terrified._

_I don't get it. Why won't she just tell me? I mean… if she didn't wanna do this, why didn't she just fucking say that?_

He listens to her ramble as she backs up back to the window.

"I should… I should go."

"So go," he says and watches as she glances back a couple times at him.

He knows he should offer her a ride or something, but he doesn't.

_If she didn't want to come, why did she?_

_Does she trust me that little? Or does she like… did she look around here and realize she's not the type of girl that does it with Jordan Catalano?_

_Has she suddenly figured out that she's too good for me?_

He turns away and goes upstairs, slamming the door behind him.

He throws himself down on the mattress and stares at the ceiling. It reminds him of the one in his old bedroom at his house, only the one at his house had a bit more mold from leaks in the roof that aren't fixed.

_Why did she come? Why didn't she say anything? Why did she have to just leave?_

He knows he really doesn't give a shit about what his friends think about her or them, but this was embarrassing and hurtful.

_Doesn't she feel the same way about me?_

_I've been so into her since the beginning and the past three weeks we've been like… inseparable and all over each other but she doesn't want this? What? She just wants what? Kissing practice? To pretend she's in some fantasy or something?_

He sighs when there's a knock on the door.

"GO AWAY!" he yells.

"It's Cynthia," he hears as the door opens.

"REALLY go away," he tells her as she stands in the doorway. "I'm not in the mood."

**41**

He pulls in his driveway and looks down again at the picture that Katie drew him of him and her together at the playground.

He's amazed that kids are just so simple that it doesn't take a lot to make them happy. They're uncomplicated and easy to figure out.

_If only I didn't know Katie will one day drive some guy completely and utterly crazy like Angela makes me._

He gets out and carries the picture with him to the house.

_Saturday afternoon and I have band practice, which I don't wanna go to since everyone will ask me why Angela didn't stay. Or they'll talk around it and avoid saying something all together. Or Kevin will do nothing but talk about how I couldn't close the deal with her. I can't deal with that. I don't want to right now._

He sighs as he opens the door.

"Daniel, you fucking get back here!" he hears Martha scream. "DANIEL!"

The kid runs into him on his way up the stairs and falls on his ass.

"Boy, get back here!" he hears his the old man growl.

"Go," Jordan says quietly. "Upstairs, quick."

_I don't know how I feel about these two. Her sons: Daniel and Donovan- twins. They're basically little monsters, but they also don't deserve to be brought in a house with him either._

"George, would you fucking help me here? He's out of line."

He sees him come out of the kitchen pulling his belt out of the loops.

_FUCK. Fuck. Yeah, they're monsters, but they still don't deserve that._

"Where the fuck have you been?" his old man says angrily as he approaches. "Huh? Fucking too stupid to answer me?"

"I was out. What the fuck do you care?" Jordan responds, stepping in between his father and the stairs.

"I don't. Keep waiting for a time you won't come back, Bastard. Ain't you have to work? Your half of the rent is due next week."

"I'm not giving you shit," he says. "Get money from her if you need help around here."

"Well why should my money help pay for you?" she says, walking in.

"Well why should I have to give up my room for your fucking kids?"

The old man's hand cracks across his jaw before he sees it coming.

"Don't you dare fucking talk to her like that again, Boy. You hear me?"

"You will NOT touch me again," Jordan says and steps forward. "And you're not gonna fuckin' beat them boys like you did me either. They're just kids."

"They're little fucking terrors and George is gonna straighten 'em out for me, aren't you, Baby?" she grins and he watches her touch his arm.

"DANIEL!" he screams. "Get your ass down here now, Boy, else it'll be three lashings instead of one."

"You are not gonna do this while I'm here," Jordan states.

'Then get the fuck out," he says, venom dripping in his voice. "Get the fuck out of my house." He shoves him backwards hard and Jordan slams back into the door. "Get OUT!"

"YOU get out!" he screams. "I'm the fuckin' reason you even have this house- from mom's social security money that you get because of me."

"Don't talk to me about your whore of a mother. She got what she deserved and that little bitch runt of hers should have died with her."

Before Jordan even knows what's happening, he's jumped up and grabbed a lamp and cracked it across the old man's skull.

"Do NOT talk about her like that," he yells as the old man catches his balance again.

"You think that fucking whore was worth anything? HUH, Boy?! Who the fuck knows if you're even mine! That fuckin' cunt would sleep with anything and anyone and deserved to fuckin' die with one of her bastard kids."

George shoved Jordan aside, into the coffee table. He feels the corner smash into his rib cage and doubles over in pain. He sees the old man heading up the stairs.

He hears a familiar shriek of terror and the sound of the belt cracking skin.

He runs downstairs and throws everything he has into laundry bags and pushes them out the window. He climbs out, wincing in the new pain blossoming in his side, but he doesn't care. He takes his stuff to his car and drives away.

_I can't fucking stay there. I can't listen to that. I can't be there for that. I can't stand by and let it happen and I can't fucking fight him off. He's too strong._

_I can't… I can't be there._

_I don't know where I can be, but I can't be there._

**42**

Saturday night, he slept on the couch in his uncle's office after everyone had left and Sunday night he stayed in this abandoned house he'd used several times while growing up, where runaways go.

Monday morning came and he couldn't bring himself to go to school. His ribs hurt too much and it hadn't helped working all Saturday and not having a good place to sleep.

He has a huge bruise from the corner of the coffee table but didn't think anything was broken. Still, he couldn't go to school, for several reasons.

First, he couldn't move without wincing and that would cause questions. Second, he couldn't face his friends. And third? He couldn't face Angela. She'd know right away that something was wrong with him and he didn't know what to say. He hadn't even had a chance to think about Friday much because he couldn't not think about the pain in his ribs.

But he also knew if he wasn't going home again, he'd need money. Real money and not just to pay insurance or gas, but to buy food and probably find a place to live. And that meant more hours at the garage since it was the only thing he could do.

His uncle, though brothers with his father, didn't really have much contact with his old man. But he knew if he were at the garage, his father would probably not find out from his uncle. Other people maybe, but… if his father even gave a shit, which he doubted he did.

So against the protests from his body, he changed oil and filters and did inspections all Monday and tried not to think about her waiting in the boiler room for him to show up.

He'd deal with her another day, on a day when he could actually think and not be in pain, on a day when he knew he had a place to live.

"Hi," he hears as he stands for a moment, trying to catch his breath.

He turns to see her and turns away.

_Fuck. Of course she'd come here looking for me after school._

_It's like… whatever happened or didn't happen is… hurts but I just want her to hug me. I just want her to kiss me and to kiss her back and know that things will be okay, that… that there is one person that doesn't think I'm a loser._

_I want her to tell me why, why she ran out, why she didn't tell me the truth._

"I'm sorry about Friday night. I- I just had this flu shot and-"

_More lies. I can't fucking take more lies._

"Quit lying," he says and slams the hood down. "Tino told me. Rayanne Graff has been clean for like weeks. Since the night she almost ODed. Right?"

"Yes," she says quietly and looks away.

_Why is she doing this to me? Why… why is she acting them? The others? Lying and… I thought she was different._

"I mean," his voice waivers a bit because he's hurting. He's hurting from her lies and from his ribs and from his life. He wanted something he could count on, he wanted to feel her and know she was real and his and wouldn't go away and now he doesn't have that because she lied.

"You can think what you want about me. I never lied. I can't believe it."

_I never thought she'd be the one to betray me, to lie like this and act like it's not a huge deal._

"I let you drive my car."

_I took her to meet Katie. I let her into my life and she couldn't tell me? She'd couldn't like… explain it to me? I fucking tell her everything and she can't trust me?_

"It's so hard to explain because- it's not going to sound right, because part of me really wants to-"

He glances at her and she looks so hurt and he can't take it. He can't deal with her hurt because he's hurting too much on his own.

_I need her away. I need her gone. I need- I just need… I don't even know._

"This is the whole reason I didn't wanna start this in the first place!" he says, not knowing why he says it.

"Why? Because you knew you wouldn't get sex? You'd just be wasting your time?"

"Because you just don't get it, okay?"

_She doesn't. She doesn't fucking get it._

"You're *supposed* to! It's accepted. It's what you're supposed to do!"

_When you love when someone, you're supposed to, it's how you like… it's how it is. Right? Doesn't she love me? I mean… doesn't she wanna be with me?_

_She looks so hurt and still so pretty but I need her gone. I need her just… I need her gone right now. I don't know why._

"Unless you're like- abnormal?"

_As soon as it's out of my mouth I regret it. It's as low as her telling me how to spell her name. It's… that's what sucks about knowing someone well, because you know exactly how to hurt them._

She walks away and he wants to chase her. He wants to follow her but he doesn't.

_Maybe it's best this way somehow, like… if she's just… my life is too complicated right now anyway._

But all Monday night and Tuesday he can't stop thinking about her and he has her bike. He can't stop thinking about how not seeing her for a few days already hurts him more than his ribs do.

He pulls up outside her house so he can leave it and he knows it's her mother, looking at him, staring at him. He just knows but he says nothing as she pulls away and she doesn't say anything either.

_Did she like… tell them? No. She wouldn't. A girl who won't eat vegetables in front of her mother would not have told her mother that I tried to fuck her daughter._

He gets the rope untied and winces a bit at the pain in his ribs.

_This kid is always staring at her like… and then looking at me like… like he's completely into her and she's not into him and he hates me because of it._

"She left her bike at my place," he says.

"Actually, it's my bike"

"Oh."

"I don't need it right now. Just- leave it here. Case she needs it. You know."

_He's trying to be cool, like… like it doesn't bother him she left his bike with me, which means she was with me at some point when he'd have wanted her with him._

"Is she home?"

"I'm not sure."

_Of course he's sure she's home._

He walks around to the back of the house and knocks on the door, grateful she answers and not her father.

"I brought your bike back. Or whoever's it is."

He walks in because he can't make himself leave yet.

_There's like… so much I want to say, so much I want her to know but… it's not right, I guess. She's not ready or whatever and… I don't know._

"So are we supposed to say something? Like official, because-"

"You don't have to say anything," he says quickly, cutting her off from one of her rambles. He picks up a little box from the table to look at it.

_We never had any of these kinds of things in my house. We didn't have tables with flowers and little boxes or statues._

"It's sort of like when you were letting me drive your car," she says, standing close enough for him to smell her vanilla. "And I loved it; it made me feel really powerful. But also really terrified, like I wasn't ready – for that much freedom."

_Yeah. I… guess I should have seen that or something, but… but she should have told me no. If she'd told me no, I… woulda been mad for a couple days, but at least she would have been honest._

"Well, you should know-"

_I want to tell her. I wanna tell her that she should know it wasn't just about sex with her, that it's never been just about that. That she's the first girl I've been like… completely into, the first person to even know me, really. The first person to care and I wanted to just… give her that back. I wanted to be the first person for her._

"I won't hold it against you."

_Chicken shit._

"If your name ever comes up."

_And I won't let my fucking friends say shit about her either. She's… too good._

"Thanks."

"No sweat," he says, glancing away because he can't stand the thought of not seeing her and talking to her and kissing her. He can't stand that it's over.

He knows now is the time to leave. He knows he should walk out the door but that would mean actually walking out the door and admitting that it's really over. That would mean… something he's not ready to face.

"Because it- it *is* a big deal."

_Here she goes. I knew I couldn't get out of here without this._

_Shit, I'm gonna miss listening to her when she's nervous like this._

"I mean, because sex made your whole life start, and if you think about life as like a circle or something, then sex and death are the same. Look, I'm not I'm not saying they're the same, I mean, I've thought about having sex with you, and and *God*, I've I've never seriously thought of killing you, but-"

"*Okay*," he says, interrupting her. His hands reach out but he stops them. It's not his right to interrupt her with a kiss this time. "Okay."

_I can see how much this is hurting her too and it's not fair of me to stay here like this and hurt her like this. I have to go._

"At least, you got in some driving practice."

_Lame. Lame thing to say._

"Yeah."

"Just- uh, don't take your turns too wide, or anything."

He wants to tell her what he really means, that he doesn't want her with anyone either, that it'll kill him to see her with another guy.

She turns to look at him and he adds, "I'm sure you won't."

_Maybe she won't find someone else, at least for a while._

Her face softens as she walks over and steps up onto the stairs and leans against them next to him.

_I wanna kiss her. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at her without wanting to kiss her. Fuck, how did I let this happen to myself?_

_How did I become so dependent on one person?_

_I need to tell her that. I need to tell her that this can't be real._

He opens his mouth, to try and find the words, but she stops him.

"Your hair- where it's really soft, like in the back. I'm really gonna miss that."

_Hers too. Her everything. How can I see her every day at school and not find out if she tastes like lollipops?_

She runs her fingers through part of his hair and it makes his blood boil.

"Yeah?" he says.

"Well, I guess this is it."

_It can't be. I need to TELL HER. I don't care what, but I need to tell her something to make her not say-_

"So goodbye."

_That._

"Bye," he says and steps closer to her.

_She looks like how I feel, like her heart is breaking._

"I'll see you tomorrow," he reminds them both kissing her softly.

_Okay. I… have to leave now. I… I'll see her tomorrow. I'll… I can see in her eyes that it's not because she doesn't care about me like I care about her. It's not because she doesn't trust me. It's not any of that. It's just… not the time._

_So maybe one day, it will be._

**43**

He finally returns to school on Thursday and it seems like it's not even news, what happened. If the whole school knows, no one really says anything to him and don't seem to be saying anything bad about her, so he's grateful for that.

_It's weird because at the times when we'd normally meet in the boiler room or at my car, I find myself almost getting up to go meet her. But then I remember she won't like… be there. That she's not mine to have in the boiler room._

_It's fucking weird as hell how it feels different, how everything feels different, yet somehow the same._

He takes his seat in English and she's not in the room yet.

"So then it was like… this huge thing that just exploded!" he hears Rayanne's voice and he tries not to seem obvious when he looks up to see who she's talking to and he's disappointed when it's just Rickie and not Angela.

"It was so messy but totally amazing. But hard to clean. Marshmallow does not wash out well."

He laughs as they sit near Jordan.

"So Catalano," he looks up and looks at her. "Tino said you got kicked out of your house or something?"

"I left," he nods. "It's… a thing. It's fine."

"Yeah, but like where are you staying? I slapped him when I asked if he'd offered you his couch and he said no."

"It's fine, Rayanne," he sighs and puts his head back down.

"Yeah, but it's like… unfair to get kicked out of your own house."

"Who got kicked out of their house?" he hears her voice and his back straightens a bit as he sits up.

"Jordan," Rickie answers.

"You got kicked out of your house?" she says and he can hear the worry in her voice before he turns to see the same worry on her face.

"I left. It's fine. I'm fine. I'll be fine. I found a place to stay already, so-"

"But why?" she asks. "I mean… your dad-"

"Doesn't want me there, Angela. Drop it."

He's grateful when the teacher tells them all to be quiet so class can start but all class long he knows Angela is sitting there worrying.

_I shouldn't be happy that I know she's worrying about me, but I am._

When the bell rings, he rushes out to avoid her questions since he knows he couldn't hide much from her and now he's not in a mood to deal with his friends or anyone, so he sneaks down to the boiler room where he knows it'll be quiet.

He sits on one of the crates and leans back against the fence.

_Could this day suck any worse? Could my life get any more horrible?_

A few minutes later, he hears the door and he stiffens. If it's Kevin sneaking down there with some stupid bitch, he'll-

"Oh, hey," she says, surprised. "Sorry. I just-"

She stops herself as she stands awkwardly in the place where she'd be normally taking off her book bag.

"I was just… looking for some quiet."

_I was looking for you._

_That's what she means and it's fine because maybe there was a part of me that was hoping she'd be here, in some other universe, but here she is._

"It's kind of… weird," she says, staring at him. "Like… a week ago we were sitting here eating candy and now we're-"

She looks away sadly.

"Friends," he states and she looks at him. "Right?"

"Always," she nods and turns away for a second. He knows she's wondering if she should go or stay.

"I don't have candy today or ice cream. I have breath mints." He holds up the pack of tic tacs to her. "Want one?"

"Sure," she shrugs. "I'm not hungry anyway."

She must take the invitation to the tic tacs as an invitation to sit down on her crate. She leans back against the pole behind it and sighs.

"Feels like a Monday for some reason to me, ya know? Like… every class is taking forever."

He can hear the weirdness in her voice, the hesitation to talk. He hates it. He hates that things have changed between them now.

"So… are you really okay?"

He smiles and looks down at his feet. He knew she wouldn't be able to resist bringing it up.

"Yeah," he nods. "Found a place to crash and I'm working still, so… I'm fine."

"What happened?" she asks, reaching out to touch his hand but stopping short of it. He feels the warmth of her skin right above his for a secomd.

"Had a huge fight and he told me to get out, so I did. I can't- I can't be there anymore, ya know? It's just not…" he shrugs. "Not good for me. Not safe."

_The way she looks at me and the way her eyes take me in, it's like she knows. She figures out another part of how I am. Maybe not all the details, but she nods slowly. "Oh," she says._

"So… did your dad like… hate me?"

"He didn't say much. He hasn't said much since he saw me with that stupid tape of-"

She freezes and her eyes grow wide, as if she can't believe she just said something and now he's completely curious.

"What tape?"

"Nothing, never mind," she snaps.

"Oh, now you have to tell me. C'mon," he says and reaches out to kick her leg playfully with his foot.

_Maybe… maybe we can get over this weirdness? I want to. I- I need to know she's still my- my- that she's still Angela._

"It's- no. It's like… the most embarrassing thing ever."

"What's on the tape? You singing in the shower or something?"

He reaches out and takes the tic tacs from her and their fingers briefly touch and it makes him want to pull her against him and lick everywhere in her mouth.

He pulls his hand away.

"I should probably… go," she says and stands.

He starts to stand up so he can kiss her goodbye, but sinks back down when he realizes he can't kiss her goodbye.

He already did.

"Okay."

"See ya," she says and leaves quickly.

**44**

A week of awkward conversations passed, of chance meetings in the hallway and strange discussions of homework at the end of English class.

He hated it. He hated that this person he'd been so attached to was now like… completely separate from him.

He was grateful when the bell rang because it meant only one more period that he did not want to go to.

He was walking down the stairs and he saw Angela almost to the next landing with Stan following her, closely.

_No fucking way. She can't be like… with him or something, could she?_

He hurries his step so he's closer to hear what they're saying.

"And I'll give you the finished product after."

"No," she says quickly. "No fucking way. We're partners for this stupid thing and you have it done so you better hand it in."

"And I will after," he says and Jordan watches as he gets in front of her and stops her from walking away from him.

"I don't care. I'll take the zero."

"No, you won't," he says a bit angrily and pushes her a bit so she's trapped against the wall.

"Is there a problem?" Jordan asks as he pushes his way in between them, in front of Angela. "Because if you have a problem with her, you have a problem with me and if you're making a problem with her, I'll make one with you."

Stan doesn't say anything for a second.

"You're on your own," he finally says and walks away angrily.

Jordan turns and touches her arm. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I- thanks. He's just… you were right about him. He's such a jerk."

"What'd he want?"

"He said he wouldn't put my name on it unless I went to the boiler room with him," she sighs. "I mean… I thought he was joking last week but I think he's serious now. He tried to kiss me in class and now he's like- I don't know what do to."

_Um… kill him?_

"Don't worry about him," he says as he starts walking with her.

"Yeah, but now this stupid thing is due Monday and it's half our grade and I'm going to fail because what… because some asshole senior is just an asshole?"

"Look, you're not going to fail. I won't let you fail."

They get to her locker and she opens it up.

"How? I can't do any of the stuff he did and I have like… two days to-"

"Do you have the drawing things you made?"

"Yeah," she sighs and hands him her notebook. "They're in there but what I am supposed to do?"

_This is partially my fault anyway since he wouldn't be like this toward her if not for me, unless he's just a dick anyway, which is possible too._

"Today after school, what are you doing?"

She shrugs, "trying to explain to my parents why I gave up my virtue to pass shop?" she says sarcastically.

"You're coming with me. We'll go to the hardware store, pick up what you need and then we'll go to the shop and you can make your own and turn it in."

"And that would be good if I knew what I was doing!" she whines.

"You don't but I do. I'll help you. Fuck, I'll do it for you. I don't care."

"Are you serious?" she asks, looking at him and he realizes that suddenly the awkwardness of the break up seems to be gone.

"Well it's sort of my fault about him anyway and I told you I'd help you before. Just cause we're not- I mean how many times have you helped me with my shit?"

"Right. Okay. I- thanks, Jordan," she says and touches his arm and he feels like he could just die. She touched him again, finally.

**To Be Continued**


	10. Chapters 45 thru 49

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 45-49 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 45 thru 49 of 100**

**45**

"I really can't say thanks enough," she says as they drive toward the shop.

"You don't have to," he shrugs and fights the urge to hold her hand.

"It's…" she sighs and looks out the window.

"It's weird, huh?"

"What?" he asks.

"You like… have this person in your life that you completely like… obsess over and then just like that they're gone."

_Only I'm not since I'm right here._

"Like… you spend all this time together and make up reasons to see them and then like that, you're expected to what? Not talk to that person? Or something?"

He doesn't respond because he's not sure what to say and he knows she'll keep rambling.

"Like… I just don't think those after school specials they were always showing us in middle school really like… taught us anything. Or even in health class or psych… like… breaking up. They don't tell you how it really is, ya know? There's something wrong about that."

He's still not sure what to say and she doesn't seem to mind his silence.

"Like Sharon broke up with Kyle because she didn't like… love him or whatever yet she tells me they're still like… he's going over to her house constantly because he doesn't believe they've broken up. That doesn't make any sense to me.

"I mean should you like… if it's over, shouldn't it be over? Or is there this limbo period where it's- but I guess they weren't exactly friends or anything. All he did was like mack on her in the hallway and parade her around in front of his friends like some trophy or something.

"Boys are horribly selfish and stupid, ya know?"

He stops the car at a light and looks over at her.

"Well, you all are," she says. "And you know it. You know more boys than I do and you know it's true."

_I suppose it is but I still don't get her point._

_But I don't care. If I don't interrupt her, she'll just keep talking and I missed hearing her. The past week has been horrible because she hasn't been around._

"Yeah, you're probably right about most."

"I guess I just think… I don't know. I'm tired," she sighs and puts her head back.

"Ang?" he says and she turns to look at him. "I'm still here."

"Yeah, I know," she nods and then smiles. "No one has ever called me that before."

He pulls into the lot of the shop and leads her inside where he starts sorting all the parts that they got.

"Okay, now you don't wanna do it exactly like this though, because then he might get credit for your drawings. So we're gonna change some of it."

She watches in fascination as he reworks them and how he can just do it without thinking.

"You… this is really amazing, Jordan," she says as he's working. "Like… I worked on those drawings for three weeks. You take them and in two hours, you redid the whole thing."

He shrugs. "No big deal to change some of it and then just adjust the measurements. I told you I can do math."

"I know but it's still completely fascinating," she laughs as she moves down to sit on the floor next to him.

"Yeah, well… it's easy. Once I got like… the basics of engines and how they work and how they run, I started pulling everything apart. My grandpa actually once let me take apart his pocket watch and I put it back together no problem."

"So here, I'll do all the cutting, but you can measure out all the pipes I need and mark them where I need to cut." He hands her the marker and ruler as he gets up to get some other stuff ready.

"So… the place where you're staying," she says as they work. "Is it like… warm? Because it's so cold out now and it'll be snowing soon. I worry."

"It's warm enough. If it gets too cold, I'll sleep in my car. You shouldn't worry."

"But I do," she says. "I mean… god, this is like… just hard. Ya know?"

"I'm fine. I've got a bed and a roof. I'm working so I have food. It's fine."

"Okay. But… if you want to like… talk or whatever?"

"I know where you live and which window is yours."

"Which window is mine?"

"Yeah, it's the one next to the big tree in the back."

"That's… disturbing. Have you stalked me or something?"

"Well just in case you wanna do it while your parents are asleep, I'm prepared," he says and looks at her and they both laugh quietly to themselves.

_Maybe it's not so horrible._

**46**

He's high. He's over the moon and the last time he remembers feeling this good is when he had Angela's tongue in his mouth.

He's flying high and the only person he wants to share it with is laying in bed.

How does he know this?

Because he sees her and she may be sleeping but he doesn't care. He taps on her window while steadying himself on the branch.

She doesn't respond and he taps again, a bit louder.

He sees her stirring and he taps again and again until she lifts her head up off the pillow and turns toward the noise.

He watches as it sort of dawns on her what's happening, that he's there, and she rushes to the window to open it.

"What- what are you doing here?" she whispers as he crawls in.

"It was amazing," he grins.

"Shh, my parents are across the hall," she whispers.

"Right, it was amazing," he says softer and pulls her in for a huge hug.

"What? The show? What happened? Because Rickie called here freaking out about Rayanne."

"She sucked. She couldn't remember the words. She freaked, but then we had the music going, so I stepped up and I did it!"

_I mean… I like singing and I love music, but I'd never thought of being the lead singer. That was always Tino's thing but…_

"What?" she asks, surprised.

"I did it. I sang and they loved it! I mean… they really did!"

_And before I know it, I'm kissing her, hard, like… like I haven't kissed her in weeks, which I haven't. She immediately wraps her arms around me and it's like no time he passed- it's just us, her and I. Her tongue is minty this time and she's probably a person who brushes her teeth before bed._

_But I don't care because it's still her, it's Angela._

They're startled when they hear a door open out in the hallway and it breaks the spell and seems to send them flying back from each other.

They each touch their lips before turning back to each other.

"Sorry," he says. "I… I'm just- I wanted to tell you. I shouldn't have- kissed you."

_Although why the hell not?_

_Oh yeah, because of the whole sex thing but since I'm not having any right now anyway because every time I think about it, no girl even compares to her…_

_God dammit. I may as well have stayed with her and waited but now it's like… different._

"No, it's… you're excited. You should be, if it went well."

"It did," he says as he sits on her bed. "I'd never… I mean I sing, but I'd never thought of singing, of being the lead."

"Well you have a really nice voice," she says and sits beside him. "So what did Shane and the other guys think?"

"They think I should be lead," he says, excited about it, really excited.

He hasn't felt like he might actually have something to do in a long time.

"That's amazing, Jordan. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could have been there."

_Proud of me? That's such a parent thing to say but I'll never hear it from my parents and it means so much from her._

"Well they said if we wanted to play there again, we could. They're planning open mic nights once a month, so, yeah."

_Oh my god. I just realized I'm in Angela's room and it's really what I think I'd imagine her room to be like. A bit girly but not too much._

"What?" she asks, looking at him.

"Nothing, it's just your room. It's… it suits you. No- it becomes you."

She smiles softly.

"I guess. I wanna paint but my mom wants final color approval. Do you- did you hear about Rayanne? Did she leave or-"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "She was gone by the time we finished. I don't know where she went."

_I can't help but picture just pushing her back on the bed and kissing her. If I kissed her deep enough, she'd forget everything, where we were and it'd just be… us._

But things are different now.

We're friends.

"So… I should… probably go."

"Yeah," she nods. "Probably."

_There's this moment when I see her eyes flash behind me to the bed and I wonder if she imagines it too- me pushing her back and just kissing her crazy, letting whatever happens happen…_

_And then the moment's over too quickly because she clears her throat and stands up._

"So… I'll… go," he says and stands as well and goes back over to the window. "So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

He carefully gets back out on the branch and turns to look at her again for a second.

"Hey," she says quietly, sticking her head out.

"What?"

The next thing she knows, her hand is on his face and she kisses him again sweetly.

"I wanna hear you sing next time."

"Okay," he nods. "Later."

Then he makes his way down to the ground and walks the block to where he left his car.

When he gets in, he starts it up and shivers slightly.

_It's… getting cold._

**47**

_It's getting really cold and the house doesn't hold much heat. I keep thinking maybe it would be better to just go home._

_I keep trying to bring it up to my uncle, like maybe I could stay there, but then if he says something to the old man, it'd be like… why can't you be a man?_

_I don't know._

Jordan walks into school, grateful for the warmth.

He thinks perhaps one night he'll just hide down in the boiler room and spend the night in the school.

He hears kids singing and hates it. He hates Christmas. He hates the entire holiday season from Thanksgiving to New Years. He's never had anything to celebrate, never had a celebration at all that he remembers. No birthdays, no Christmas, no Halloween…

_The only fucking thing I have right now is my car and my music._

_Even Katie, the one good thing about the holidays, is gone now._

He tries not to think about how sad that she was that they were moving. He was moving to be closer to his mother and sister and Jordan knew that would be good for Katie in the long run, but he misses her terribly.

He had at least looked forward to seeing her on Christmas and now he wouldn't even have that.

He's started drinking more since it's the only thing that passes the time of him being stuck somewhere, the only that makes the hurt dull.

Well… that and her.

He looks down the hall and sees her talking to Rayanne. She looks upset and that's when her friend knocks into him, Rickie.

"Sorry," Rickie says quickly as Jordan helps him recover his balance.

That's when he really focuses on his face and his blood goes cold.

_I know that face. I know that bruise._

_What is it with parents and their sons?_

"It's fine," Jordan says softly and heads down the hall to class.

"Jordan," he hears Angela say as she catches up with him. "Hey."

"Yeah," he nods. "What's up?"

"I just… sorry. I forgot what I was gonna say. I'm worried about Rickie. He fell or something and-"

"He didn't fall," Jordan tells her. "And you should be worried. I gotta go."

"Wait, I- can I see you later?" she asks.

"I'm around."

"Why are you- did I do something?" she whispers, stepping closer to him.

"Maybe your world is perfect but mine's not. I have to go."

He doesn't know why he storms off or why he was mean to her, but he's frustrated and tired and hungry and lonely.

It's a few days before Christmas vacation and he'll have a week where he can't even be at school for heat. So he'll end up in his car or somewhere else… he doesn't know.

Then he sits in his first three classes and feels guilty for having blown her off and been mean when she's done nothing to him.

During fifth, he goes and buys a sandwich at a shop down the road and a bunch of snacks to leave in his car. He also buys a few candy bars before heading back to the school.

He knows they're reading Christmas stories in English and decides he won't go, so he sneaks down to the boiler room for lunch and sixth period.

It's warm, really warm, and feels so good.

He rests his head back against the fence and closes his eyes. He's not surprised when he hears the door open. He doesn't need to open his eyes to know who it is. He just holds out a candy bar.

"Thanks," she says and sits down.

"Sorry. I'm just… in a mood, I guess. What did you want?"

"I want- I wanna make sure I'll see you, over vacation. I mean… maybe even on Christmas?"

_What? She wants to see me on Christmas?_

He lifts his head so he can look at her.

"I… have something for you," she says. "I wanna give it to you on Christmas."

"In your room while your parents are asleep?"

"Shut up," she says.

_It's like… every now and then I check her, feel her out. Like I think one time she's just going to say yes and that will fix everything._

"I'm serious. I got you something."

"What?"

"A gift, for Christmas."

_Woah- what? She bought me something? I can't- she shouldn't buy me something. Do I have to buy her something now?_

"You shouldn't buy me anything."

"Well I did, so… well I didn't buy it. I made it. It's… you'll have to wait and see. But I wanted to make sure I'd see you. I mean… you don't have to get me anything. It's just… my mom has this thing about us making presents for like… our grandparents and we were in the store and I just saw something and thought of you, so it's- don't feel like you have to do anything for me. Just-"

"*Okay*," he says, interrupting her. "I will visit you on Christmas, I promise. I'll be the ghost of Christmas future."

"Well you don't have to throw me in a grave or anything, just… make sure you stop by."

"Are you home for Christmas?"

"Yeah, we stay at my house then. It's the day after Christmas when we go visit people, which is annoying but we usually get money out of it, so I'm not complaining. So what do-"

She stops herself quickly and shoves her mouth full of candy.

"I don't know what I'll do, find some place to stay warm, I guess."

"Well… we… the 26th? That night we're staying at my grandparent's house so… if… I could leave the window unlocked to my room so you could…"

"Sleep in your bed? It'd be more appealing if you were in it."

"You're such a boy," she laughs as she stands up. "I- you coming to English?"

"I can't today," he shakes his head.

"Okay."

She walks over and kisses his forehead softly before leaving.

_I am so fucking in love with her, I can't stand it._

**48**

_So now I have this horrible job of finding something for her for Christmas, except I've never bought someone a present before, beside Katie, and I doubt Angela wants a Barbie Doll._

_Of course this store has nothing here that could- what did she make me? If I knew I'd be able to figure out what to get her. I can't go to her and have her give me something that I'm sure is really sweet and not having something for her, can I?_

_That'd be a shitty thing to do and- I mean… I'm not her boyfriend or- but we did have that one kiss a week ago when I went to her house but she hasn't made any kind of suggestion that she wants me to kiss her again._

_But then just when I think we're just friends or whatever, she'll touch my arm softly, that reminds me of the way she used to touch my arm and it's like…_

_I don't know._

He walks out of the store and sees Rickie standing there, looking cold.

"Hey," Rickie says.

Jordan takes a few more steps before turning back, "you need a ride or sumin'?"

"Uh, sure."

They get in the car and Jordan wonders why he's not at Angela's house or with Rayanne. He wonders what happened and who it was that did it.

"So where we goin'?" he asks.

"Uh, uh, let me think -- um –"

"Look, you - you need someplace to crash, I know a place."

"Thanks," he says quietly and Jordan wonders if this is the first time he's been hit by someone at home. He recognizes the shame in his eyes- it's not a fight with someone on the street, this is- Jordan knows that look too well. He has that look now.

"My old man used to knock me around, too."

The words escape his mouth before he really has a chance to stop them but this is Angela's friend and- even if he weren't Angela's friend, he'd still recognize that look.

"He did?"

Rickie seems surprised which means Angela doesn't tell her friends about that stuff, their private stuff. He's grateful.

"Hasn't done in a couple of years, though. He's too scared. 'Cause the last time -- I-I threw a chair at him. Well… he did last month, tried it, s'why I left."

"Oh," he nods in understanding. "Well, I'm going to light a candle for you on Christmas Eve."

"Oh, yeah, think that changes anything?"

"Uh-huh."

"Well don't bother on my behalf. Do one for you," Jordan says as he pulls away from the curb. "I don't think anyone listens for my name any more."

Rickie's quiet as Jordan drives and he's hungry. Jordan is hungry and he'd rather be somewhere eating than at the house.

"You hungry?"

Rickie nods.

"I don't- have any money though."

"Forget about it. I got paid today."

"You work?" Rickie asks, surprised.

"Yeah, Angela didn't tell you? I work at my uncle's garage."

"She doesn't… tell us much… anymore. She's… sort of always with you."

"Oh," he nods.

He thinks back to the days and there is some truth in that. She does eat lunch with him a lot, even since they stopped making out.

"I mean, we thought we'd see her more once you two broke up, but… she's still… it's the weirdest break up, ya know?"

Jordan pulls into the parking lot of a restaurant that's opened late and turns the car off and bites his thumb a bit.

"Yeah, I guess that's right. She… like… finds me. Or I find her. I-"

"You love her, don't you?" Rickie asks and Jordan doesn't look at him. He just nods slowly. "I think she loves you too. She was really upset for a few days but then you started hanging out again, so…"

"She's like… the best friend I have," Jordan says. "And like… it just… she wasn't ready, I guess. Maybe I wasn't either. To be like… a boyfriend, or whatever. And now things are different, changed. I wanna kiss her. I think about it all the time but then it's like… what if I do and then it changes again and we can't be friends?"

"Wow. That's…" Rickie sits stunned, never having thought Jordan would think about things like that. "That's really deep."

"Yeah. So… food. I'm starving. C'mon. It's warm here."

They go in and get a table and order a ton. They talk about some of the classes they have and the band and gradually it turns back to Angela.

"So why… why aren't you at Angela's or Rayanne's?"

"Rayanne's mom's boyfriend is… not the greatest and Angela's parents are sort of… I don't know. They don't get me, ya know? Not like Angela. I mean they're really nice, but just… don't get it."

"It's like they're too perfect," Jordan says.

"Yeah. Angela wanted me to stay, but they didn't, so here I am."

"Well if we both showed up there and said one of us is staying here, they'd definitely pick you," Jordan laughed.

"True. They know I don't wanna sleep with their daughter."

"So do you know what she got me? She said she had a present for me and I'm trying to get her one only I've never bought a girl a present before ever."

"Now I know why you really gave me a ride," Rickie laughs. "But really she hasn't told us much lately, so…"

"Yeah. Sorry," Jordan shrugs, feeling bad for taking up her time away from her friends.

_But it's her choice, right?_

**49**

_Today is the last day of school before vacation and Christmas is in two days and I have nothing for her yet. I think a tape or something would be lame, especially if she made me something._

_So maybe I should make her something. I think I should but I have no idea what to make. I want it to be something she would actually like instead of something she'd pretend to like._

_I keep thinking a shelf or something would be good. She does have things in her house like picture frames and stuff, so maybe a shelf would- that's lame but it's the best thing I can think of._

"Oh sorry! Did you see that girl just now?" she asks and he looks around.

"What girl?"

_Why can't I seem to like… just tell her?_

_And every time she touches me, it's worse, like… it's the worst thing in the world to feel like I have her but I don't have her._

_I took this huge leap to be with her, to be a boyfriend to her and she's not willing to take a chance and be in a scary place with me. And the thing she has to do is way more fun than me constantly thinking about her like I'm some of stray puppy who chases her around._

"With a guitar?"

"Well, what's - what's her name?"

_I could find the guys and see if they know her._

"I don't know. She knows Rickie."

"He still crashin' at that place?"

"What place?" she asks.

"That old warehouse on Tennessee; I brought him there."

"You brought him somewhere?"

_Guess he hasn't called her or anything. I told him he should but that I also wouldn't go telling his business. I told him I'd bring him to school but he didn't come._

"Yeah, he was like, I'm gonna light a candle for you, and I'm like, don't waste your match."

_The way she looks at me is like… it's hard being around her when she now knows too much about me. She knows way too much and I'm not very pleasant around the holidays._

"Ah, I shouldn't say stuff like that," he says, stepping closer to her, trying to smell the vanilla.

_I need to fucking get over this. I need to get over HER. I need to get her out of my fucking head so I can be me again, so I can be real. So I can just be, concentrate on getting my life together. I'm seventeen years old. I have no home. I can't fucking read, so how am I supposed to get any kind of job? I won't graduate high school and I probably don't read well enough to get my GED._

_But instead of concentrating on those things, I'm fucking stuck on her._

"I mean I didn't completely mean it."

_I'm going to get over this, starting today. I'm going walk by her and move on._

_But then I look back and she's obviously really upset over him._

"What, you miss him? Come on, I'll bring you there."

_Loser. Loser. Loser._

_It'd be one thing if I was at least her boyfriend but no. I'm just… pathetic._

_I'm pathetic that I take her hand too._

_I'll hate myself for it later, I will._

_For now? I've gotta help her find him and at least try to make it right for her._

"So… was he okay?" she asks once they're in the car. "When you saw him?"

"Yeah, shaken up, upset, but… he's okay."

"So… is this place safe? I mean… he's not gonna get mugged or something, is he?"

"No, it's just a place to crash."

"Is it- where you've been?"

He nods as he drives. "Sometimes."

She slips her hand into his and rests her head on his shoulder as he drives.

_Yup. Pathetic._

He parks on the street and she looks up at the building. "Why are you always taking me to abandoned buildings?"

"It's been like twice," he says as they get out and he takes her hand as they walk around it to the window he knows is knocked out. "And I've taken you for ice cream too."

"Yeah," she sighs. "I… you stay here?"

"Angela, I'm fine. I can take care of myself. Rickie, I'd be worried about. But I've been keeping an eye on him."

He waits for her and talks with a few of the guys he recognizes.

He hates that he has to show her this, especially at Christmas.

**To Be Continued**


	11. Chapters 50 thru 54

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 50-54 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 85,000 plus for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 50 thru 54 of 100**

**50**

He waits until he knows her parents will be asleep before he crawls up her tree.

It's nearly midnight and he's hoping he's not drunk enough to fall out of the tree and crack his skull open.

He didn't get a present for her. He couldn't find one, couldn't make one, couldn't force himself to think.

He wasn't even going to come but the more he drank, the better of an idea it seemed so he climbs up the tree carefully and knocks on her window.

She comes right away and he knows she was probably waiting up for him.

"Hey," she whispers as she opens her window and he struggles to keep his footing on the tree. He laughs a bit. "Shh, my parents."

"Right," he nods as he falls onto the floor. "Sorry."

"Jordan, are you okay?" she asks as he sits up and just stays on the floor near the window.

"Yup. Fine. I'm fine. You?"

"You… are you drunk?"

"Possibly," he laughs softly.

"Jordan, I'm worried about you. You… you've been quiet lately and now you're drunk? You're- you could get hurt."

He laughs at that as he gets up.

"I'll be fine. I just… promised I'd come, so-"

He stands there awkwardly in the middle of her room.

He's not sure why he came because he has nothing for her and he's terrified of being with her, of telling her he's in love with her.

Yet the thought of not seeing her, not fulfilling his promise, made something ache.

"Jordan," she whispers and he feels her close to him and the scent of vanilla intoxicates him.

"You always smell so good," he whispers. "And taste like lollipops." He licks her lips gently. "God, why do you do this to me?"

"What?" she asks as he runs his hands through her hair and presses his forehead to hers.

"Torture me," he whispers before hungrily pressing his mouth to hers. She responds to him and he drowns himself in her taste.

"Jordan, you're-" She turns her face from him. "You need to lie down. You need to sleep. Have you eaten anything?"

He shakes his head as he wraps his arms around her tightly. He buries his head in her hair and allows her scent to wash over him, allows his lips to taste her skin.

"I'm… gonna go get something for you to eat, okay?" she whispers and he feels her fingers in his hair and he doesn't want her to leave.

But he's starving.

"Okay."

She kisses his cheek and nose and forehead and then his lips before she heads out quietly. He sits on her bed and lies down and cries softly into her pillow.

_Why does this all hurt so fucking much?_

_Why does it all have to hurt so god damned much?_

He falls asleep before she returns.

When he opens his eyes next his head is pounding and he smells vanilla and is shocked to find himself in Angela's bed. It's bright out and he looks around but she's not in the room.

He sits up and sees aspirin next to the bed with a glass of water. Next to them is a folded piece of paper with his name on it and a small wrapped box.

He takes the pills and picks up the paper.

Jordan,

We have to go to my family. We left early. You can stay if you need to. See you in two days? I hope you are okay. The box is for you.

With love,

Angela

He stares at the box and the red ribbon she tied on it.

_As much as I wanna know what it is, I put the box back._

_I came here last night. I don't remember coming here. The last thing I remember is laying in my car with half a bottle of vodka._

_I have no idea what I might have said to her or- oh god, we didn't have sex and I don't remember, did we? That would be awful. I hope that's not what happened. God, I hope I didn't come here and make her do something she didn't want._

_Fuck._

He stands up and goes to her desk. He sits and picks up the pencil.

AngeLa,

One L, see? I cant take it.

Im sorry if I hurt you last nite. I hope not.

I cant do this. I cant rite what I feel and I cant tell you.

I cant be with you and not want to kiss you. But I cant-

I dont now. I have to get my life fixd. I need to grajoate.

Im sorry.

With love,

Jordan

Then he leaves.

**51**

"So basically, that's… it," she smiles. "The plumbing is shit though. That should go first."

"That's not a problem," he says.

"Well, you give me the receipts for things you buy and I'll pay you back for them."

"Thanks, Elizabeth. I really… thank you for this."

"Bobbie says you're a real good boy," she says and slaps his face endearingly. "Night, Honey."

He closes the door behind her and locks it. Then he turns to look at his place.

The day he left Angela's house after Christmas, he went to the garage and asked his uncle for a place to crash. His uncle's partner just happened to be there and mentioned that his mother had a house with a small apartment that she wanted to repair to rent, but she couldn't afford the repairs.

So Jordan said he'd do all the repairs that she wanted and shovel her driveway and mow the lawn, anything he had to so he could stay there rent free.

_I think this is the first time I've actually had a warm, safe place to sleep._

He falls onto the mattress she'd had in storage that she offered him and he simply falls asleep. He wants to sleep for hours and forget what may or may not have happened with Angela. He wants to forget the note and what she made him in the box.

When he wakes up the next morning, he takes a shower and heads to school, for the first day of the new year.

_I have to do this. I have to figure out how I can graduate and do something with my life and that means actually concentrating on school and trying a lot more._

He thought it would be easier at least to try and get stuff done if he had a place to work.

He understood now that no one could fix his life for him. No one was coming to take care of him or bail him out. He had to fix it himself.

_That means going to class and trying to read as much as I can._

_That means listening and not sleeping in class._

_That means not watching Angela in class._

He avoids where the guys will be so he can get to his locker and get to class without answering questions and having to hear about how their Christmases were. He didn't wanna have to listen to Kevin talk about how horrible his life was when his parents gave him all kinds of crap.

He sees the flash of red hair out of the corner of his eye and when he turns to walk down the hall to first period, he feels her staring at him.

He glances at her and she looks like she's about to say something but he turns and walks away.

He can't face her. He doesn't know what happened. He doesn't know what she's thinking. He doesn't know what he said to her or did to her.

He can't deal with her and yet he finds himself in the boiler room during lunch, hoping she'll show and dreading when she will.

He eats the apple Elizabeth insisted he take when she saw him leaving for school and he hears the door open.

_For once in your life, Shane, have good timing. Be here instead of her._

"Hi," she says quietly.

He turns to see her stand there, very awkwardly.

He turns away, not saying anything to her. He doesn't know what to say.

"You didn't- we didn't do anything," she says, filling in the silence. "You came in and hugged me and I went to get you something to eat and you passed out on my bed."

_At least I didn't do something stupid. Shit, I'm glad I didn't do something stupid._

"I tried to wake you up before we left but you were out cold."

He still says nothing.

"Please say something." Her voice cracks a little. "It feels like before and I can't take it."

It's silent for another minute.

"Please," she pleads again.

"It's like… too much," he says, finally. "You, us- whatever it is. My life fell to shit and I have to- I have to fucking figure out how to get out of this hell hole or at least do enough so I can get a GED. Right now, I probably couldn't even read enough to pass it. I just have to focus on that."

"Okay," she whispers and he sees her produce the box from her box. "Please just take it."

"Angela," he says quietly.

He knows he won't be able to refuse her request if she asks again.

She walks over and stands next to him. She opens it in front of him and pulls out a little piece of leather, simple like the one he wears around his neck. It has a small piece of silver dangling from it.

"It's… an ice cream cone," she says and sure enough, he looks at it and it is a very small ice cream cone. "They didn't have a candy bar."

"Angela-" he starts to protest but she grabs his hand and ties it around his wrist.

"There," she says and her fingers linger over it. "Merry Christmas, Jordan," she whispers and kisses his forehead before leaving slowly.

He looks down at it and lifts his wrist to his face.

It smells like vanilla.

**52**

His intention really was to stay away from her. He promised himself he would.

He promised himself he would go to class and do as much work as he could but the amount of make up work he had to do was unbelievable.

The lists of things to do for the classes he'd been skipping seemed too long and the end of the quarter was coming soon.

So he'd caved and asked her if she had her old assignments for bio that he could copy. Then he'd found her and asked for her history homework. Then he'd asked her for the chapter outlines for English that he hadn't done.

_And now here she is copying them for me too. This is-_

"This is wrong," he says.

_It's wrong because I'm still looking for excuses to be with her because I can't stay away from her. But it's wrong because I could ask anyone else in our classes for these assignments, but I know she'll give them to me because on some level she feels sorry for me. I shouldn't take advantage of this. I shouldn't use her like this because I know she'll cave. It's wrong._

"What?" she asks as he flips over to face her.

_I said I was going to move on. I said I was done with this yet here I am wanting to kiss her._

"You. Doin' my homework; it's wrong."

"Well I was just trying to help."

_And I know she is, but it's not helping because I still can't read any better. Sure my grades are up, but…_

"It's like I'm taking advantage of you or something," he says as he sits up.

"You're not taking advantage of me," she says quickly.

_I know I am and she knows I am. But until I started asking her for her homework, we hadn't spoken really for like a week. We'd only been talking in English and then I started asking her for shit and we started talking again._

_And it's wrong. If I wanna talk to her, I should just do it, not because I'm asking her for shit._

"Yeah I am," he sighs. "It would be different if we were like..."

_Like we were, like together together. Like really together._

_I don't know why it'd be different because I would still be using her, but at least she'd get the benefit of having a boyfriend._

He slides over the edge of the seat casually.

"But now you're just... you know, a friend or whatever."

_Or whatever I guess is what she is. I have no idea what she is. The lines blur too much and I'm completely like… consumed by her. I think that's the word. I'm consumed by her._

He tosses his cigarette to the ground and grabs his books from her.

"I can't do this anymore."

He hops out of his car, waiting for her to leave but she doesn't.

"Jordan," she says quietly.

"No, it's- you know I'm right," he says leaning against his car with his books in hand. "And it's not really helping me anyway."

"Your grades are up though, you said," she says, sliding over in the seat and he knows she's right behind him.

"Yeah, but how the fuck is that gonna help me? I still can't-" He turns and looks at her to whisper quietly. "I still can't read to save my life. So having better grades doesn't matter."

"Yeah," she sighs. "I know. What if we like… or what if you- you could go to one of those reading clinic things I told you about? Where they'll test you and then help?"

"And pay them with what?"

"Shit, right. Well… let me think on it. Maybe I can find some information or a place where they'll do it for free."

"Yeah, okay," he nods and she looks at him and he wants to kiss her. He can't turn off that desire for as much as he wants to shut it off, he wants to turn it on twice as much.

"So maybe like… I should be helping you do it instead of doing it for you."

"Probably would be better."

"Well I guess we could meet in the library or something?"

He just stares at her. "I don't- I don't go to the library. Like- ever. I'm Jordan Catalano, remember?"

"I know you're Jordan Catalano," she laughs. "So… I don't know where we'd go to have real space to work."

"My place I guess," he shrugs.

"Your place?"

_Oh shit, right. We haven't talked much since Christmas._

He puts his books on the seat and hops back up on the car to sit.

"That guy, my uncle's partner? You met him. His mother owns this house with a small apartment only it's all shitty. So I told her I'd do all the repairs on it and paint it and anything to the house she wants if I could stay there rent free."

"Oh my god, that's great!" she smiles and gets up on her knees so she can hug him tightly.

"Oh my god, gag me," he hears and Angela pulls away.

"Hey, Rayanne."

"Please, this is like… the greatest love story never told. Would you two please just hook up and put us out of our fucking misery?!"

"Rayanne!" Angela shouts and tucks her hair behind her ear quickly.

He had a hard time understanding what it was that would make her "ready" but if she was still blushing at the mention of having sex, then obviously it hadn't happened yet.

**53**

"She would sleep with you," he says.

"What?!" the kid asks, completely shocked.

_How could he not see that? That little look she gave him? She didn't need a fucking eraser._

"She… would sleep… with you," he says, pointing to him.

_Plus if he's with her, he won't be going for Angela, which is what he really wants._

"Because I gave her my eraser?"

"No. Because… because she would." _Because what eraser doesn't work? Because there were three people right next to her desk with erasers and she walked over here to him to ask for one. _"Go get her number," he suggests.

"What?! How am I supposed to get her number? I just like ask her just ask some girl I don't even know for her number? Like, without warning?"

_Well that's why he's never made a move for Angela and preferred to just wait around for her to notice him._

_Fine. If he's too chicken, I'll do it._

He gets up and saunters over to her desk and leans in just a little bit. "Hi," he says. "My friend over there? He's really shy. He'll kill me for this later, but he wanted to know if he could give you a call some time."

"Sure," she smiles and jots down her number.

He walks back over and chucks the piece of paper over his shoulder.

"So, anyway, the Odyssey? Is like this real long book right? and ah, I.."

_I need to be able to read enough of it to understand it and recognize words in it or something. Angela and me worked on some of it the last couple days, but now that I've got a tutoring time set up every other day… I'm hoping it'll be okay. She did say this Brain kid is the smartest in the class, so…_

"I don't believe this." He stares at the piece of paper. "I don't- you like do this? This is like how you live?"

"Yeah," he says, as if every guy in the world has this power to just get girls' numbers. He can't imagine what it's like not to have that power.

The kid starts laughing and he does too.

It's funny because he can get any number he wants of any female and the one girl he wants, is the one they both want and the one neither can have.

_And speaking of Angela…_

"Hi! What's so funny?" she asks.

"Nothing," Jordan says, looking away. He wishes he could get rid of the guilt that he feels when he thinks of being with another girl beside her.

The next thing he knows is that she's across from him, looking perfect as usual.

"Look, if this weird for you, being tutored? I don't mind helping you a little longer."

_Because she wants to spend time with me as much as I wanna spend time with her but she still won't like… I mean how is she supposed to get ready if she's not even doing anything? How do you get ready to have your driving test if you never practice?_

"It's not so weird," he shrugs.

"Oh, so, huh. Good!"

"You could-" _I have to try again._ "Have sex with me though, if you really wanna help."

_The way she laughs is like… not that she's offended that I asked, but that… I don't know. It's different. It's a different laugh. It's not her nervous laughter, it's something else, like… I don't know._

"I guess that's a… a no," he says, resting his face against his hand.

"I'll let you get back to your work," she laughs as she leaves.

They work but all afternoon long, he wonders about that laugh.

_It sounded like… like not the nervous laugh that she would blush because she was caught thinking about us. But it sounded like… like she couldn't believe I'd ask her. It sounded like…_

_I didn't like it._

_It sounded like she's not nervous about my advances, like… like maybe because she doesn't want them or they don't affect her anymore._

_Like maybe… maybe we are just really good friends now._

**54**

A week passes seamlessly and he finds that tutoring isn't so awkward and helps to get his work done. The Brain kid helps him read the directions and figure out what he needs to do so he can work at home and finish things.

He feels a small amount of pride in knowing that he's going to class and doing his own work.

But all the while, he can't help but notice things are different with her.

She only stays for part of lunch three days and then doesn't come at all the next two. Her glances at him in the hallway are less frequent. Sure, she talks to him when they walk into English together and asks how he is and what's going on, but she doesn't touch his arm or his hand.

And he notices something else too, on the way to his locker.

He sees her down the hall and it stuns him a bit because he was just waiting in the boiler room for her and she didn't show for the third time in a row.

He keeps thinking about that laugh and how she doesn't find ways to talk to him or touch him and he wonders if the bracelet on his wrist means anything anymore.

He stops and watches as she walks over to some guy and smiles the way she used to smile at him. She pushes her hair back behind her ear and that's supposed to be something she did because of him, because of her nerves, because she was into him and he was into her.

He can't help but watch as she tilts her head and glances back at him once. But she doesn't look-

_She doesn't look at me the way she did before. She doesn't suddenly look like… Fuck._

_Just fuck. She's… it's that damn laugh. What the fuck happened? I mean… I thought we were on our way to getting back together._

He can't stand not knowing what she's so interested in or what he's saying that's so fascinating. Maybe if he knows, he'll know what she's thinking.

He pushes away from the wall and walks by them.

"Oh yeah! Definitely! I'm definitely interested. I'd love to. Definitely."

_She'd love to what? Did he like ask her out? Is she- what is she interested in._

He glances back but she's not looking at him.

She's looking at that other guy.

He feels sick to his stomach thinking of her with some other guy, thinking of her dating him or kissing him and-

_He's not even… look at him and then look at me! I'm… maybe he's smarter or whatever, but she- that letter and how into me she was and even after we broke up, she was still talking to me constantly. She was touching me. She was meeting me to talk._

"Yo, Catalano!"

He turns to see Shane coming down the stairs.

"Hey," he says, his mind racing about what she agreed to.

"So we're thinkin' Louie's tomorrow? Gonna be a band there. We could shoot some pool. You haven't been around much, you in?"

"Yeah," he nods. "I-"

_I need a fucking drink._

_If she's- is she seriously gonna let that guy kiss her?_

The thought of it makes him sick.

"Do you know that kid? That fucking weird kid with the weird hair? He's constantly drawing on his sneakers?"

"Oh, yeah, he's a totally geek. Why?"

"What's his name?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"No reason," he says quietly. "So Louie's?"

"Yeah. So you comin'?"

"Definitely," he says.

He doesn't go to English.

He wonders if she even notices.

**To Be Continued**


	12. Chapters 55 thru 59

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 55-59 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+ for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 but will become R/NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 55 thru 59 of 100**

**55**

_Corey._

_His fucking name is Corey?_

_  
What kind of a name is that?_

"Yeah, Corey something. Nancy says he was into Graff for a bit but… she's too wild for him. Guess he kinda keeps to himself."

_Like Angela…_

"She-"

"What?" he asks, turning to look at Shane as he parks.

"Nancy said he's been talking to Angela. Like… a lot the past few days. She said that Diane told her that in science, he was talking to his partner about her."

"So what? That doesn't mean anything. It- it doesn't mean anything."

_It can't mean anything. I'm- fuck. I'm so in love with her I can't think straight and she's-_

He finds it hard to breathe, like all the oxygen has gone, because it has. She was his life, she was his oxygen. She was the one who believed in him and knew him. They- they ate ice cream and sat on his car and talked. She got him into tutoring. She was the light. She-

_Was everything to me. Is everything to me._

_I thought we were gonna get back together. I thought- with the bracelet and her kissing my forehead and-_

_She just forgets? She can just leave?_

_She can just walk away when I'm fucking STUCK here? In love with her?_

_Well FUCK THAT. Fuck her._

_If she wants to go fucking dating some loser with a stupid name, FINE._

_I'll move on. I'll fucking move on tonight._

"Whatever. I'm over that bitch," he says and slams his car door shut once he's out.

"Finally," Shane laughs and jumps up onto the hood of the car. "My boy is back from the grave!"

"Yeah," he sighs softly and opens the trunk. They sit and chug a six pack between them before heading inside, each with a beer in their pocket.

They laugh and Jordan gets six numbers of girls he'll probably never call.

_No. I fucking will call them. I can show Angela how fucking over her I am._

_Then when she realizes what a fucking loser that ass is, she'll be the one crying that she ever fucking talked to him in the first place._

_Let HER hear stories of how someone was talking to ME. Let HER deal with it._

He downs another between his turns and Shane heads off with a blonde so he leans against the wall and takes another mouthful.

He turns and sees Graff there with a flask.

_That'll get me way drunker than I am._

"Hey. Can I have some of that?" he asks.

"Why not? You got another one of those?" she asks, pointing to his beer.

"Yeah," he nods. "My car. Out back."

She follows him out to the parking lot and he opens his trunk.

"Catalano, you're speakin' my language," she says as she takes two.

"Now speak mine," he says and she hands him the flask and he downs most of what's left.

"Here, before I finish it."

"Oh, no, it's cool. Have as much as you want. I'm drunk."

"Yeah, me too. But not enough."

_God, I fucking miss her so much._

_I just want it to go away. I want this to go away. I want her out of my head and out of my heart. I want this fucking pain in my gut to go away. I want the thought of her fucking putting her hands through his stupid hair out of my head. He shouldn't get to have lollipops. They're mine._

"So, Graff... so who are you here with?"

_Is she out with him tonight? Is she like… out there somewhere? With some- did he like ask her out and meet her parents and take her to see some dumb movie?_

_Does he like listening to her ramble on about something?_

_Does she let him kiss her quiet?_

"If you mean, 'where's Angela,' she didn't come. Just like usual," she says sadly.

"So let me ask you somethin'..."

_She'll know. She'll tell me. I need to- if I'm gonna get her OUT, I need to hear it. I need to hear her say that Angela is with him now. I need to hear it out loud._

"It wasn't even my idea! I auditioned for this stupid play. It was Angela's."

_Angela… god, why couldn't she just- what did I do that was so wrong? Was it because I pushed? Because I didn't know any better? Because I wanted to touch her and be with her and just know that she needed me as much, that she couldn't live without me and now she is. Now she laughs different and talks to guys and not to me._

"Yeah, right, like I could be Emily."

"Emily who?" he wonders what she's talking about.

"It's this part, in this stupid Our Town play. It was just wishful thinking. No, I could never be her. Angela could be her."

_Angela could be who? Oh- Emily, right._

"Oh yeah?" he asks, looking away, trying to remember the scent of vanilla.

"She's exactly like Angela. I mean, you know, she's so innocent that, like, she, like, doesn't know she's innocent."

"Yeah," he whispers.

_Innocent. She's… innocent. That's what it is. She's too innocent and sweet and too good for me. And now she knows it. She realized I'm- I'm me. I'm a fucking seventeen year old sophomore who can't read and probably won't graduate. She knows I'm a fuckin' punching bag for my old man who was so worthless as that, that he got kicked out of his house._

"And she always says this stuff like, 'My, isn't the moonlight terrible?'"

"Yeah, she's always sayin' innocent stuff like that," he sighs.

_Do you ever get obsessed with the rear-view mirror, like, while you're driving?_

He hears it echoing in his mind and a million other things she's said, feels her hands on his face, her lips on his forehead.

"No, I meant, I meant... never mind."

"So, she like that guy I keep seein' her talkin' to? Corey. Or what?"

"I dunno, it's hard to say, y'know?"

"Sometimes it's like I really think I know her. And then it'll be like, like we're total strangers."

_And now? She's…she's like… with him and not with me._

_She won't- she's too… innocent. I'm… just me and I'll never be good enough to be with her, to touch her, to be inside her…_

"I know. Hey, Catalano! It's cool."

_No, it's not._

_It hurts._

_I just want it to stop hurting._

"Hi," he whispers looking down at her.

"Hey," she smiles back.

_If only things could just be simple. If I could just be me again and then it wouldn't hurt. It'd just be like… it never happened._

_It'd be like… just me again._

_Doing what I want and who I want._

He sees his hand reach up to touch her cheek softly and it's warm. He hasn't felt that warmth in a long time. She leans into his hand and he wants to make it all go away. He wants her out of his head; he wants the pain to stop.

She does too.

She must because the next thing he knows, her mouth is on his and he's kissing her and their tongues are fighting, rubbing and licking and the ache starts to dull.

Her fingers are in his hair and her arms are wrapped around him and he thinks he smells vanilla and her tongue licks his lip and she presses up against him, rubs his body with hers.

He reaches back and opens the door as they pull away.

Somewhere in his mind, he knows it's wrong in some way, but he's hard and for once the blood isn't making him think about how much he'll never have her.

_I need to be me. Me would- me would open this door. Me would climb in back._

_Jordan Catalano would climb in back._

_He would. He would do this. He would._

_I would. I will._

He stands with the door opened, wondering if she'll join him, wondering if she's as lonely as he is, if she wants to forget as much as he does.

And she does.

And they do.

_There's a moment after you've made a really bad decision when you realize how truly bad it was and the reality of it comes crashing down on you. You realize you're truly stuck with that decision._

For Jordan Catalano? It happens the moment he falls next to her.

For Rayanne Graff? It happens the moment she relaxes next to him.

He doesn't know what to say. The alcohol still has him hazy but the horrible pain is back, harder, because he knows somewhere inside that it wasn't right. That she wasn't Angela, that it wasn't the same. That he is not the same as he was.

He knows he can't be Jordan Catalano again, not like he was, because she changed him. She made him better.

And now he's worse. Now he's so much worse.

"I- should go," she says quietly. "I-"

Neither knows what to say.

_What did I do? What did we do?_

It didn't make the pain stop and it doesn't stop the agony of knowing she's with someone else and now he'll never be good enough to have her. It can't stop the fact that he'll never touch her or taste her sweet skin or see what she looks like after coming.

_It's all gone and not because of that Corey._

_Because of me._

"Yeah," he says and pulls his pants up. "You should."

He looks away as she pulls her dress down.

"So…"

"Just go," he says.

"Yeah," she responds and he puts his head back and closes his eyes as he hears her leave.

He finishes the last of the flask and wishes he'll die so he won't have to live with this, with the fact that he threw everything away.

**56**

Morning comes and his head is pounding but it doesn't hurt as much as remembering what he did does.

_What was I thinking?_

_Oh yeah, I wasn't. The beer and whisky was._

_Fuck. What am I gonna do? She wouldn't tell Angela, would she? She wouldn't want her to know as much as I don't want her to know._

His entire body aches just thinking about how much this could hurt her if she found out, how truly over they would be.

_She'd never forgive me for this._

_But… if she's with him, if she's with that Corey, then…_

_God, this fucking sucks. Why did I have to fucking- why on earth did it have to be Rayanne Graff? Why couldn't it have been anyone else?_

He avoids anywhere he knows Angela might be because he doesn't want to see her and he really doesn't want to see her kissing that Corey.

He closes his locker and sees Corey walking toward him and he quickly turns.

_I don't wanna know if he's tasted lollipops or smelled vanilla_

He turns again to make sure the coast is clear of Angela and sees Graff.

_Shit. Shit._

_I don't know what to do. I mean… it was a huge mistake. I'm sure we'd both agree to that. But… did she tell Angela? Is she going to? Is she-_

He sighs and walks over to her.

"So when do they tell ya?" he asks, leaning against the wall a distance from her. "If you got the part or not?

"Oh. I don't know. Soon. I don't care."

_She- she wouldn't say anything, right? She doesn't want Angela to know as much as I don't. And if we're the only two who know, then she'll never know. We both have too much to lose if she finds out._

"Ah, my head is, like, pounding. I was really out of it last night."

"Yeah. Me too," he nods and looks down.

_Really out of it. Really really out of it to fuck Graff._

"I guess we both were," she says.

"Okay, so... "

"Yeah, so..."

"... see ya..."

"... see ya..." he says and walks by her.

"... bye..."

_Shit. My class is the other way._

He turns and they walk past each other again.

He takes another step and stops.

"Graff!" he says and spins around. She does too. "She-"

"Won't hear it from me," she says quickly. "You?"

"To the grave," he agrees.

She nods and they both turn and rush off.

He sits in his classes all morning wishing that it would go away, wishing it hadn't happened.

_I have to like… stop feeling guilty. It's not like we were even together or whatever. Cause we weren't. Aren't. She doesn't wanna be._

_She doesn't want me. She wants that other guy._

_She wants someone who can read and talk good and who isn't me. Someone who like… doesn't just sleep with girls he doesn't give a shit about, someone who'll wait or whatever, for her to be "ready"._

_I am such an asshole._

He doesn't go to English again. He doesn't wanna go to any of his afternoon classes. He wants to die.

He sure as hell doesn't want to see her kissing that other guy in the hallway or holding his hand or smiling at him. He doesn't want to think about how that guy could be the one to touch her or pull her clothes off slowly, kissing every inch of skin that-

_STOP this. That will never happen, Catalano. NEVER happen because she's with someone else. You lost your chance with Angela Chase. You proved that last night, you proved that you never deserved her at all anyway._

He somehow manages to make it through the rest of his classes and drinks himself to sleep that night.

He gets up the next day, though he doesn't know how or why.

He tries to remember his goal. He needs to graduate. He needs to make something of his life, not for her. Not because of her, but for HIM. Because HE wants because of her, but for HIM. Because HE wants it.

He makes a vow to stop obsessing. He promises himself he'll move on somehow.

He gets to school and makes it through a couple periods but then he sees that Corey in the hallway walking with her and he has to leave. He has to get out. He can't take it.

He just needs to drink. He wants to drink it away. He wants to wallow in his misery and then come back and just have it be over. He'll take Friday and the weekend to forget and then maybe it'll be okay. Then maybe it'll hurt less.

He goes looking for the Brain kid to reschedule tutoring. He can't stay in the school any longer but he wants to make sure it's okay to skip it.

He has to get out of there now. If he sees her once more with him, he's going to do something that will be horrible, more horrible than what's already been done.

He'll go over and punch the kid or something and he knows he won't be able to stop once he starts.

"Want it? Here!"

He watches as he walks and the kid pulls out a cassette tape.

"Here, here it is. Okay? Take it! Just... Satisfied? You know... See, it doesn't matter who has the stupid tape. It happened. It can't be, like, erased."

_What the hell is he talking about? Why is this kid so weird? He looks terrified._

"I was just gonna ask if we could skip tutoring today."

"Oh. Um…"

"So, what was on the tape?" Jordan asks.

_Why the hell would I want some stupid tape?_

_Why would he be scared to give it to me?_

**57**

_What the hell could be on that tape?_

_What in the hell is on that tape?_

"Um… just- nothing. Yes. Tutoring. Skip it. It's- we'll… it's fine."

Jordan nods and eyes the kid carefully for a moment before heading off.

_What the hell is going on?_

_What? Is it- something to do with Angela?_

_I know he's videotaping shit for the dumb yearbook, does he like… have her on it? Like… oh god, what if it's her and that kid or something?_

_Like… out together. Or talking or like… hanging out like they're some perfect fucking couple?_

He decides, for some reason, that before he leaves school, he needs to know. He needs to hear it from HER that she's with him.

_If I hear it from her, then I can stop wondering. I can stop wondering and take the weekend to get over it, to realize I'm GOING to see her with him. I'm going to see them. I have to hear it from her that it's really over, that something happened and I missed it and somewhere along the way, she got over it._

"Angela!" he says as he turns a corner and sees her.

She walks away from him and he runs up to her.

_She doesn't wanna see me because she knows. She doesn't wanna tell me but she has to. I'm not letting her give me this fucking bracelet and act like- She has to tell me._

"Hey, didn't you hear me?"

"No," she says, looking away.

_She can't even look at me because she like- she doesn't want to._

He has no idea how to ask the question. He has no idea what he wants to say. He wants to say 'how the fuck could you leave me' but he knows that's wrong. He wants to say 'why am I no longer good enough' but that's wrong too. He wants to say 'how dare you make me love you and then turn away' but that's not good either.

He bites his thumb a bit and then says, "Here," holding out a pen he borrowed from her.

"Why are you giving this to me?" she asks, staring off. She seems mad to him and how could she be mad if she's with someone else now.

"'Cause it's yours."

"Well, I don't want it."

"Well, it's your pen."

"So?"

"So, you lent it to me in Katimski's, remember?"

"Not really."

He stares at her and can't believe he won't ever get to kiss her again, that he'll have to watch someone else kiss her and hate it.

"Well, if it's not yours, give it back."

"No."

It hurts him that somehow, for some reason, she hates him now.

_Is that what happens? When a girl moves on? That she hates her last?_

_I thought we were closer than that, I thought that we were friends. She's my best- WAS my best friend and now she's- she hates me._

_Why? She's the one who left ME._

_Unless-_

His blood runs cold.

_Does she… does she KNOW?_

_How in the fuck does she KNOW?_

_She couldn't know. She couldn't. Could she? Graff would have never told. EVER._

He has to find Graff. He has to make sure she doesn't know.

He runs up the stairs because he knows that's where they have Spanish or art or whatever. He turns down the hallway and sees her.

"Graff!" he yells and darts toward her. "Does she-"

"She knows," she says. "She- someone saw or- she knows. Sorry."

"Who? How?"

He can't process it. He can't figure it out. He can't even breathe.

He turns away and sees Angela standing there, staring at them, practically crying.

"FUCK!" he screams and slams his fist into the locker. He feels his knuckles hit the metal and he screams again. "FUCK!"

"Mr. Catalano!" a teacher yells from down the hall. "Office. Now."

He punches another one harder than the first before running.

He runs down the hall, down the stairs and out the door. He runs to his car and speeds off, away.

He wants to die.

**58**

Monday and Tuesday he's suspended for the hallway incident and for not going to the office.

Wednesday morning, he returns, determined now to focus on school.

It's mid-March and he refuses to be in the tenth grade again next year.

He finds it hard to open his locker with his hand in a cast since he fractured two knuckles when he punched the lockers, but he manages.

He heads to his first class and avoids any hallways where he knows she might be. He has no idea how many people know and if it made it around school. He doesn't care. He just wants to focus on school.

"Hey, Catalano!" Shane runs up to him as he heads to shop. "So good news for you."

"Yeah?" He knows he could really use good news.

"I guess Nancy just asked that Corey kid flat out if he was into Angela Chase and he said no, that they were just friends."

_WHAT?! WHAT?!_

_HE DIDN'T FUCKING WANT HER?!_

_They weren't- I thought they were! Graff made it seem like they were!_

"How in the fuck is that good news?!" he growls. "It's fucking too late. It's over. It's- she fucking hates me now."

"What? Why?" Shane asks.

"You haven't heard?"

"No. What?"

"I-" He can't tell the true truth because then he worries about what Tino would think.

_Fuck, Tino. I mean he's always sort of considered her his and if he finds out that I fucked her, it'll be- not good._

"I slept with someone. She found out and it's over. For good."

"Oh shit, are you serious? Who?"

"Just some girl, it's- was last week. And one of her friends must have seen me with the girl or something and it's- it's over. Forever."

"Shit, I'm- I- I know how into her you were-"

"I don't wanna talk about it. I'm getting out of the tenth this year, Shane. I have to."

"Okay, well… good. You have a focus. Screw her. She wants to be all pissy and jealous that you fucking moved on when she wouldn't give it up, let her be."

"Yeah, whatever. Later."

He leaves and sits through his classes. He eats a sandwich from the cafeteria in the boiler room alone, not that he expects her to show. He just wants the quiet.

He takes an aspirin for his hand before heading to English. He tried to switch classes but they wouldn't do it. He begged to switch periods but they said no.

He walks in a minute before the bell and sees her sitting in the far corner, away from where he normally sits, where they used to sit together.

He walks up to Katimski.

"Ah Jordan, welcome back."

"Yeah, I know I missed stuff."

"Missed stuff? You were suspended and before that, you skipped."

"I'll do whatever I have to for make ups," he says. "Just… give me whatever work I missed. I'll catch up."

"Okay. Have a seat and stay after class a few minutes for the work."

He nods and looks at her but she's looking away.

"Brain," he says and walks over to him. "Look, I hope you weren't waiting on me for tutoring."

"No. I knew you were suspended."

"Yeah, so- I can't really write good with-" he looks down at the cast. "But can we meet today like usual?"

"Yeah, that's cool. Is your hand okay?"

"Yeah, it's- it'll be off in a couple weeks. So… I'll see you later."

"Okay," he nods and Jordan takes his seat.

"So today… we'll be working on the outlines," Mr. Katimski announces. "You… started them in your groups and you should be… finished today. So, get in your groups and finish up. Jordan, since you weren't here, why don't you join Angela, Brian and Stephanie?"

"What?" Angela asks. "We're practically finished. He shouldn't get credit for our work!"

"Just so he can hear the material. He'll do his own outline," he says.

"Great, just fucking great," he hears her whisper as she and Brian pull desks over to him and Stephanie.

He gets out his notebook and stares at it.

"So we're supposed to make an outline of each of the chapters thus far from the Odyssey and what we think the central like… themes are," Stephanie smiles.

"Yeah, so why don't you sit by yourself and read it," Angela says angrily, not looking at him.

The comment hurts him deeply but he knows he deserves her anger.

_She's- she must be really hurt to say something like that. She's not cruel like that. I know she's not. So it must like-_

_And what sense does it make if Corey was never into her? He seemed to talk to her an awful lot and then what? How could he not be into her?_

He looks up from his notebook as she and Brian review what they had been doing and she turns and glares at him.

He looks away, down at his notebook.

He sits the rest of class and tries to write down anything he hears them say as best he can so he could use that to do his own later.

He still wonders how she found out and why he let it happen. He wonders how things got so screwed up and how long it will take for him to stop missing her, for him to stop feeling the way he does.

He can't imagine a second when he may not love her.

**59**

He sighs as he lies back on his car and stares at the sky.

_Maybe this seemed like a good idea, but I don't think I've had many good ideas lately._

_In fact, I've had none._

When the guys decided to get together at this place in the park outside of town for a party, he thought it was stupid. But he had nothing else to do so he finds himself lying on his car, staring at the sky, music blaring in the background.

He's kept to himself in the past few weeks because he had work to do and didn't feel like being with people. He'd been working a lot with the Brain kid to catch up and had started getting tutoring on the weekends at a place that offered GED and literacy classes.

He's proud of that much.

"You got your wrist back," he hears and he stiffens.

_Is she seriously gonna talk to me?_

He sits up and turns toward her.

"Yeah," he says and watches as Graff jumps up on the back of his car to sit.

"So life pretty much fucking sucks, huh?"

"More than it ever has."

"She's not talking to me either. She'd probably talk to you again, but never me."

"She hates me," he says.

"Please, she's still fucking in love with you. If she weren't, she wouldn't be this mad. That's… how I know she cared about me too, even if she shouldn't. Fucking everyone told her not to hang out with me."

_It's strange that she's just sitting here like nothing happened, in this car too._

_I'm glad we were drunk so I can't remember it so clearly._

He'd never felt the urge to do anything with Graff, ever. He hates that it happened.

"Like she shoulda been with me?" he laughs and lights a cigarette. "What- does Tino know?" he wonders. He keeps expecting to find his car dented or all the windows broken or something.

"I don't know," she shrugs. "If he does, he hasn't said anything. If he does, he doesn't care, since I fucked him last weekend and it was his idea, so…"

He nods and inhales the smoke, letting it fill his lungs since it's the only comfort he has.

"Have you talked to her?" she asks, staring out at the bonfire the guys have going.

"Not really. Not since I found out she knew. Haven't really tried. It's over; it's over and I fucked it up so bad."

"No," she says quietly. "It- Angela fucking swooned over you for like months. She told me. She was completely like… in fucking love with you since October freshman year. She said she saw you leaning against a locker and became completely obsessed. There's no way she can just get over that, especially after how joined at the hip you two were."

"She won't look at me," he says.

_Why is she telling me all this? It just hurts worse._

"She said stuff- cruel stuff."

"That's how girls cope. Boys hit each other and girls are cruel. I'd be worried if she did just look at you- that means she doesn't care. If she's still avoiding you, it means she's still hurting and that means she's not over you."

"Even so, she'd never- god, what the fuck were we thinking?" he wonders.

"We were thinking-"

He looks at her and she's staring off into space.

"We were thinking if we can't have her, we could have the next best thing."

_That makes sense._

_Not that like Graff wanted to sleep with Angela, I don't think, but she just loves her. That's why she got in my face all the time about how I treated Angela._

"Seriously, you should talk to her, Catalano. You have more of a chance than me."

"How is that?" he laughs, unbelieving.

"You- well technically you were a free agent, ya know? Wasn't like you were together. But me? I broke girl code. You never sleep with potential boyfriends or ex-boyfriends or dream boyfriends and I did all three in one night."

They sit for a while, staring out at the people dancing and laughing and they feel miserable.

"How did she find out?" he asks. It's the one thing he hadn't been able to really find out.

"Someone saw us go into your car and blabbed. So, you should try. Try and try again."

"And why do you care so much? You never wanted me with her anyway."

"No, because I thought you'd do something like this, but then you like… turned out to be pretty decent to her and she was totally in love with you, everyone saw it. So… and because if you- if she forgives you, she might consider forgiving me. But she also deserves to be happy."

"What about that Corey guy?"

"She- I don't think she was interested in him. I think she was just- she wanted to be over you maybe? Or she was trying to get you jealous so you'd make a move again."

_She was using him to make me jealous? Why didn't she just fucking come out and tell me she wanted to be with me? Why didn't she say 'Jordan, fuck being friends, let's make out again'? Why couldn't she tell me that instead of starting this whole thing?_

He sighs and stands up.

"I gotta go."

"I'm telling you, Catalano, be aggressive. B-E aggressive."

He gets in the car and she runs off to do whatever as he leaves.

_Is there any hope?_

_I mean, she knows Angela pretty well, right?_

_If she thinks there's even the slightest hope?_

**To Be Continued**


	13. Chapters 60 thru 64

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 60-64 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+ for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 but will become R/NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 60 thru 64 of 100**

**60**

He walks into school Monday morning having thought all weekend long about what she'd said. He wanted to believe he could make it right. He'd tried to deal with the fact that she wasn't his, but he couldn't. He couldn't let her go. He decided he would try.

He walks in on Monday knowing that at some point during the day, he will walk up to her and try to say something.

He runs the words through his mind all the time, trying to figure out what to say, trying to start off with some sort of explanation or something.

"Be aggressive. B-E aggressive," he hears as he heads toward English and he sees Graff across the hall chanting at him.

Angela is already in class and he walks by and tries to smile at her but she doesn't look at him. His heart is pounding as he knows the bell will ring soon and he knows it's his chance. He's going to talk to her.

He's going to walk up and say-

_Sorry. I fucked up. I'm horrible and I don't deserve you but I'm still completely in love with you and I can't live without you._

_That's what I need to say._

The bell rings and he stands up and makes his legs move toward her somehow.

_Sorry. I fucked up. I'm horrible and I don't deserve you but I'm still completely in love with you and I can't live without you._

_Sorry. I fucked up. I'm horrible and I don't deserve you but I'm still completely in love with you and I can't live without you._

He keeps repeating it over and over.

He stands and looks down just as she looks up and sees him.

_Her eyes are still amazing. Angry, but amazing._

He knows her friend is standing there too and he hopes she'll leave.

"I'm gonna go do that extra credit thing."

_Sorry. I fucked up. I'm horrible and I don't deserve you but I'm still completely in love with you and I can't live without you._

_Say it. I need to open my mouth and say it._

"Can't believe we have to use all those words in a sentence," he says and sits back on the desk in front of her. "I mean, not all in the same sentence, but, um, still."

He watches as she keeps looking around him to the board and he opens his mouth to say it. He knows he needs to and suddenly, the words are gone and he's left with nothing.

_Say SOMEthing!_

"So… I'm still doing that tutoring thing. You know? Yeah."

He fidgets with his sleeve and wonders when she'll tuck her hair behind her ear.

_If she tucks her hair behind her ear, I know I have a chance._

"So guess what? There's, like, a term for me. I'm a rudimentary reader with low literacy skills."

_She looked at me! I saw it. I saw her look up just now. She looked up at me. That has to be a good sign. That means she cares, that means she's listening._

"That kid, Brain, figured it out from this manual?"

He expects her to say something then but she doesn't.

Her silence hurts him. She had been so proud of him when he started working harder.

_SAY IT! Say you're sorry. Say you're an asshole! Say SORRY._

"Uh, what else? Uh. Oh, my band got back together. We got a new name. We're, uh, we're Residue now."

She finally stops writing and looks at him but he can't find the words he really wants, the words he had in his head, the words he practiced.

"So, I've been, you know, writing songs."

"Why are you telling me all this?" she asks.

_Because I love you. Because I wanna make it up to you. Because I wanna be with you. Because I can't be without you. Because it hurts too much not kissing you. Because I should have done things differently. Because I should have waited. I shouldn't have taken you to that stupid house and then we would still be together and none of this would have happened. Because-_

"I don't know. I mean, you're the one who signed me up for tutoring, in the first place so-"

Her friend comes back and glares at him.

"Forget it," he says and walks off.

_Why can't I just say this shit to her? Why can't I say what I want?_

_Why is it such a problem?_

_Everything I think to say sounds stupid. It doesn't sound like something a real person would say. It doesn't sound- it sounds like I just miss her and not that I'm really sorry._

He goes to ninth and keeps thinking about how he fucked up.

He walks into the tutoring room and flops down in front of the Brain and puts his head down. He misses her so much, it literally aches.

He'd never understood the songs of people whining about how much it hurt that a relationship was over and now he does.

"Okay, um, here's how we do it. You tell me a story, a true story, that happened, like, to you. And um, I take certain, like, key words from the story and make flashcards."

"I blew it," he pouts.

"Wait, is this, like, the story or is this just-"

_Huh? Story?_

"Forget the story. I can't think about some crappy story. My life sucks too much."

_Why did she even have to give me hope of this? Otherwise, I wouldn't be making myself more miserable; I'd just be miserable._

"Yeah, how come?"

"'Cause, she hates me," he sighs as he sits up and tugs on his sleeve. "And, I deserve it."

_I really do. I completely deserve it. I never wanted to hurt her this way._

"You know who I mean, right?"

"Yeah," he nods.

"Today, after Katimsky's, I tried to explain to her that I was- you know, sorry, or whatever."

"So, what happened?"

"Nothing. Uh, I didn't know what to say."

_Nothing I want to say sounds good enough to say to her._

"Say you're sorry."

He wishes it were that simple. He wishes that were good enough, but a million roses wouldn't even be good enough for her.

He looks away and sighs.

"Wait, you can go up to any girl and get her phone number, yet you're afraid to tell Angela Chase you're sorry?"

"So?" he snaps.

"Nothing. It's just ironic."

"Well, so what?"

_What does that have to do with- wait._

"What's 'ironic'?"

"Um, when you realize the, like, component of weirdness in a situation."

_See? He's smart. He's smart enough for her. Well… not smart enough to actually make a move on her, but if he had? Maybe she woulda liked him. Or maybe not, if what Graff said was true about her liking me since last year._

"Help me, Brain. Help me figure out something good to say to Angela."

_He can tell me. I need big words. I need real words. That way she'll know I tried to say something real to her, that I'm really sorry._

"No, uh-uh. No. Look, you did an undefendable thing, okay? No one can change that. I mean, you have to live with it. It's like you created your own prison, and now you have to exist in it."

"That's perfect. Give me some more stuff like that."

"No." He jumps out of his chair angrily. "No, absolutely not. It's not- The Phonics manual does not cover that type of situation."

"The Phonics manual?"

_What's that? Why won't he help? He's supposed to._

"I cannot be involved. Whatever you say or don't say to Angela Chase is completely between you and her."

"Okay. Relax," he says. "I'll figure it out myself."

"Fine. That's actually fine. I mean-"

"Good."

"You figure out what you want to say to her, and I'll do some Calculus, and we'll just work independently."

"Deal."

He picks up his pen and tries to write down some of the words Brain had said to him so he could remember them.

"What have you got so far?"

Jordan looks up at him and asks, "how do you know what I did?"

"Huh? What?"

"How do you know what I did when my friends don't know?"

Jordan knows it's not around school since none of his friends knew anything and if Kevin knew he had slept with Graff, everyone would know, the entire school would know.

"I- it's around. It's-"

"No it's not," Jordan says quickly. "I may not be able to read, but I'm not stupid. How do you know?"

There's a silence between them for a few seconds before Jordan stretches back and realizes the truth.

"You- it was you. You saw it and told her?"

"I was there for yearbook and- kinda caught it on tape."

"WHAT?"

"Shhhh!"

_The fucking tape! The fucking tape he had that morning- that was- he taped it?_

"I mean, not like all of it or anything. I left but- I was just gonna throw it away but Sharon took it from me and I couldn't think of a lie to tell her why she couldn't see it, so… yeah. You could like punch me or whatever, but it's your fault anyway for doing what you did."

"I'm not gonna punch you," Jordan tells him. "I thought about it for a second but you're right. I did it. I can't be mad cause I got caught."

"I never- I didn't- I told Sharon not to tell anyone and I guess she ended up telling Angela or Angela over heard it or something. I didn't- wanna see her hurt."

"Yeah, me neither," he sighs.

**61**

"Okay, let me see. That, that thing about the prison."

_I have to get this right. I read it over so many times last night, trying to remember how to say the words, trying to remember what it meant. I have to get this right. It needs to sound smart. It needs to get her attention and make her see how sorry I am._

"Just beg her forgiveness. I mean, tell her you're scum, that you're lower than scum. That you're not fit to lick her shoes. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get insulting. I just-"

"Wh- what about that other thing... you said your parents always say."

"My parents are psychiatrists, okay? You can't go by them."

"A... what kind of wish?"

"Unconscious wish. To punish you. I mean her."

"Got it."

_Okay. I have to do this. It's now or never._

"Angela?" he calls out to her and she does stop and that's good since he didn't think she would.

"I'm gonna be late for homeroom." He expects her to leave but she doesn't. "What?" she snaps.

_Okay. Say it. Say it NOW._

"I did an undefendable thing."

_Good. Now keep going and don't think about how the sweater brings out her eyes._

"I created my own prison. And I have to exist in it. Maybe I had a... wish, or whatever. To punish you. An unconscious wish. You've heard of them, right?"

"Yeah, I think so," she says and stares at him. "I can't believe, what you just said was really amazing."

A part of his heart that has been hurting for weeks now feels just a slight bit of hope at the soft expression in her face.

"I know," he says, staring into her eyes, wanting to get lost in them again.

"Okay," she nods.

_Okay? Okay what? Okay we're like… it's over? That she'll eat candy with me downstairs again at lunch?_

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, now we can have a serious talk."

"We just did."

"Oh, come on, you can't hit a person with something that profound and expect that to be the end of the discussion."

He's grateful to see her smile again at him but terrified as well.

"You can't?"

_What does she wanna talk about then? Like- a serious talk? Here? Or- I'm not ready for that. What will she expect me to say?_

"Oh, uh, I forgot. I, uh, I'm late for homeroom."

He walks away and hates himself as he leaves because he's still unprepared. He's never done this before. He's never cared this much about anyone besides Katie.

After school, he does some work at the garage before heading home.

"Jordan, Honey, I made meatloaf, do you want some?" he hears Elizabeth call when he gets out of the car.

"Sure," he says and grabs the bags from the trunk. He's in the process of repainting all the walls of his apartment before he starts on the walls in her part of the house. "I bought more paint and you said you may want colors for your place, so I have those little sample cards."

"Oh, okay, Honey."

He follows her inside.

_It always smells so good in here when she cooks and I think she's lonely or whatever since she's always offering me food when I get home, which is fine, better than fine.I wish I'd had a mother like her or a house like this that always smells good and has flowers on a table. It's nice._

"You really don't have to feed me," he tells her, like he says every time.

"Oh please," she laughs a bit and fixes him a plate. "My boys don't come visit me enough. I hardly ever get to cook anymore. I forgot how much I used to love cooking for my Stephen. And then when he passed, I just… didn't have anyone to cook for."

"Well I already feel like… I'm living here for free and now I'm eating your food?"

She sets their plates down and sits across from him.

"Honestly? I know my boys worry about me, living here all alone. They told me they wanted to put me in a home or something. They worry about me being here without someone, so… you being here lets me stay home."

"Yeah, I get that."

"Plus you're not living here for free. I have tons of things I need done and you're very handy to have around and not terrible to look at."

She laughs a bit and pours him some milk.

**62**

"I was so close yesterday, but it wasn't enough. She's, like, starved or something."

_Like before, we used to just sit and we'd know what we meant or what we were thinking. I could like… hold her hand and listen to her ramble and we'd both know things were okay._

_We could talk about things slowly, gradually, like the reading thing or the sex thing, which we never really talked about I guess._

_I can just never find the right words, like she has these things she expects me to say and I can't find them and then she's disappointed or whatever._

"It's gotta be written down so I can't screw it up."

"Well, so write her a letter."

_That would be easy, if I a) could write good and b) knew what to say to make her stop hating me and c) did that type of thing._

_She was really impressed by what I said yesterday. I need a letter to like- talk about that, what it meant. A good one. A smart one._

Jordan looks up at him.

"No. No, I am not writing a letter to Angela Chase for you. I can't."

Jordan says nothing.

"No," he repeats.

"Okay. Fine. Just… it has to sound good, ya know? If I write something, will you look at it? So it looks good?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

He's lucky he can do oil changes with his eyes closed because it means he can think about what he could possibly put in a letter.

He goes home and sits all night with a stack of paper, completely ignoring his homework. He sits and starts letter after letter.

_Angela, Im a jerk and-_

_Angela, I wish I could tell you what I want but-_

_Angela, That night was-_

_Angela, I think that-_

_Angela, I miss you. I miss-_

Some he got further than a few words.

_Angela, I want you back in my life. You made me-_

_Angela, What I did was bad. I wish you didnt now but-_

_Angela, I want to say a lot. I want to tell you whats in my hart but-_

Every time he tried to put what he felt on the page, it looked stupid. He knew it looked stupid because there were probably mistakes and it just never sounded like it should for her. It needed to sound perfect and show her that he was good enough for her, that he did deserve her forgiveness.

_Angela, Your my frend. You meen a lot to me. I miss your lips and holding your hand. I miss when we tawked. I miss you._

He crumpled up paper after paper until he couldn't keep his eyes open.

In the morning, he decided to pick up all the crumples and take them to Brain anyway. Maybe he could get some ideas.

When he arrived, he had them all flattened out to give to him to read but instead, Brain handed him a piece of paper. He opened it up and was shocked.

As he copied it over, he couldn't believe how smart it sounded, how romantic and how he could understand it, what it meant.

It was exactly how he felt, how he missed her, missed touching her and missed holding her, how he hated himself for what he'd done, for not having her.

"Thank you," he said when he was done copying it. "Thank you, Brain. This is so much better than mine. So much."

He walked to her locker and slipped the note inside.

He drove home and ate with Elizabeth but something kept bothering him. Something really bothered him and it was that note.

He kept thinking back to it and to Brain and how he knew that the kid had a crush on her. He knew he did. He'd seen it in the way he always stared and was always willing to do anything for her.

_Hell, he's helping me get her back, but it's- it's wrong. He wrote that letter for her, not for me. He's completely in love with her and she has no idea because she'll never see him that way._

And as he kept thinking about it and what it said, he realized it wasn't what he wanted to say to Angela. It sounded smart. He knew it sounded very smart and she'd said what he said was profound.

And there was someone else who had used that word with him

Mr. Racine. Mr. Racine had told him his poem was very profound and then he'd explained that the word meant that it had many different interpretations or meanings.

_If I'm going to have her back, I want it to be because of me, because of something I say to her. Maybe she'll turn me down if it sounds dumb, but-_

That's when he went to the shoe box in his closet where he kept lyrics he attempted to write and he pulled out the poem and his guitar.

**63**

The next morning, he headed into school, seeing her talking with Brain just made him realize he had to tell her the truth. He had to tell her that Brain had written it for him because he tried to write her a letter and they all sounded stupid.

He was going to tell her the truth and then he was going to tell her he was sorry and that he needed to show her something after school. He was going to ask her not to hate him for the letter until after he showed her what he needed to show her.

"I read what you wrote."

Suddenly she was standing next to him and she looked like she was glowing. Her face was radiant.

"I could hardly-"

"Look," he interrupts.

"I could hardly believe-"

"Look," he interrupts again but she ignores him.

"How beautiful it was."

"Look, I'm not... I don't wanna pretend like-"

He struggles to find the words because he knows she'll be angry or hurt, again. He doesn't want to cause that but she needs to know.

He struggles to keep his head clear enough to say what he knows he must.

He tries to get far enough away from her where he can't smell the vanilla so he can say the words but she backs him up against a wall.

"No, I don't, I don't wanna pretend, either."

"I'm glad you liked it, but I-"

"No, I didn't like it," she says and looks at her and how bright her eyes are and how close she's standing to him. "I loved it." He looks away because he knows she loved what Brain wrote, not what he wrote.

"I loved it," she repeats he imagines she's saying the words to him, like she loves him, like she's admitting that she does and that she forgives him.

He takes a breath and closes his eyes briefly and he knows what he wants to say- his own words. He suddenly has them and he has to say them before the moment is gone and he tells her the truth and she hates him again.

"I have all these dreams where I know exactly what to say. And you tell me, you know, that you forgive me."

He exhales a bit because he finally knows he said something true and real to her. He finally used his own words. He finally told her that he didn't know what to say.

He looks away because her eyes have this way of staring into his that makes him uncomfortable, like it's almost too intense.

And then her lips are on his.

Her lips are on his and she's touching him. She slides her hand up through his hair and her tongue is there, sweetly coaxing his out and he can cup her head and touch her silky hair and that's all that matters.

Her arm is around his waist and he's able to hold her against him and feel her mouth on his and smell the vanilla.

The entire world melts away and it's just them, like it used to be before drunken nights and empty houses. She's the only thing there and her tongue caressing his and her lips sucking on his gently and her silky hair in between his fingers. And sex is the furthest thing from his mind because that moment is all that matters.

He's able to touch her face and then push his fingers through her hair and he feels her fingers in his as well, her mouth clinging to his.

"Ow," she laughs a bit and pulls away. "You bit my lip."

"Sorry," he whispers and smiles as she turns away and laughs.

"It's fine."

"So…" he says as he stares at his boots because he's not sure if this means it's all over or what.

"So? I have to get to homeroom."

"I'll walk you?" he says, not wanting to let her leave without knowing something for sure from her.

But she slips her hand in his.

"So… do you?" he asks as they start walking up the stairs.

"Do I?"

"Forgive me?"

"I- I want to," she responds. "But… it still hurts, a lot."

"Yeah," he nods. He can understand that it's not just something that happens in a second because he tells her he has dreams about her forgiving him.

"So I guess, we just… I don't know," she shrugs.

"Well can I take you out?"

"Out?" she asks, her forehead twists in confusion.

"Like… to a movie or whatever. I mean…"

"Like on a date?"

"Yeah, a date."

"It's a little traditional for us," she laughs a bit. "You're not gonna like pick me up at my house and break into the school to get me to the boiler room, are you?"

"No. No, like… there's actually this place I wanna take you. Tonight."

They arrive outside her homeroom and she turns toward him as they stand in the hallway. He looks at her and realizes he's allowed to look at her lips again and that he's even maybe allowed to kiss them.

"Okay," she says. "I have to do some stuff for the play and then I'll be home, probably sixish but I'm not sure."

"So I'll pick you up at your house? I have to work and I don't know when I'll be done, but I'll come over after?"

"And you're actually going to show?" she asks, eyeing him.

He knows he handled things wrong back then but he didn't know how much she really meant to him. He does now. It's not just because of her knowing his secrets, it's just because, because without her, he can't breathe.

"Definitely," he reassures her as he runs his thumb over her jaw to her lips. Then he kisses them softly. "I'll see you in English?"

He doesn't want to press the boiler room because it doesn't seem right. Maybe in the future when she's truly forgiven him and he knows exactly where he stands with her, but not yet.

"I'll see you in English," she repeats and he starts to walk away but she tugs on his hand and kisses him again. "Later."

"Later," he grins.

**64**

He has it all planned. He has every moment planned.

He didn't have a chance to tell her about the letter but he will tonight.

He's going to pick her up and take her to this little place near the lake where it's just really pretty. He's going to confess that the letter wasn't his but then he's going to give her the box of all the ones he tried to write. And then he's going to play what he wrote for her.

And if she can't forgive him, then he'll know he tried. For the rest of his life, he'll know he did all he could to win her back and show he loved her.

He parks outside and walks up to the door. It's almost six-thirty so he figures she'll be home. He knocks on the door and a woman answers.

"Oh. Hi," he says.

"Hi," she says.

"You're Angela's mom?"

"Yes and from the descriptions I've been given, you must be-"

"Jordan," he says. "Catalano. Is Angela here? Cause I said I'd pick her up around now, so…"

"She's not home yet. She should be soon."

"Oh. Okay," he nods. "I'll-"

"You can come in. I don't bite."

"Right," he says and walks in, nervous because it's Angela's mother and she's heard stuff? He wonders what she's heard and what she thinks.

"I'm just taking care of a few things in the kitchen. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah," he nods. "I could eat."

"A friend of mine has three teenage sons and she says she goes to the grocery store every day because they eat so much."

"Sounds right."

He stands by the counter and doesn't know what to do or say, so he's quiet. He watches as she starts pulling out bread and cold cuts.

"I have to say, I'm a bit surprised, Jordan, to see you."

"Oh?" he asks, looking around. It appears that she's cooking dinner or having company over. Angela hadn't mentioned that but they also hadn't talked a lot.

"Well given what happened. Angela hasn't mentioned you in a couple weeks."

"What happened?" he questions, unsure what she's talking about.

"With Rayanne?"

"Angela told you?!" he asks, horrified that Angela told her mother and now her mother hates him and won't let him take her out.

"No. Rayanne… came looking for Angela one night. She was really upset and we just talked. She didn't say it so many words, but I read between the lines."

"Oh. Yeah," he says, tugging on his sleeves so he can fidget with them.

"Now I haven't seen Rayanne in a while and Angela's been moping around."

"She misses her," he says.

"Who?"

"Both of them, I think. What we did kinda… ruined everything for everyone."

She hands him a plate with a sandwich and a glass of milk and then looks at him for a minute and he finds it strange because he would have thought she'd kick him out.

"May I ask why?"

"Why? Why with-" She nods and he bites the sandwich, grateful because he worked all afternoon on engines and hadn't eaten much of a lunch.

"Honestly?" he asks and she nods. "I… she started acting different, Angela I mean. Like… after we stopped like seeing each other, or whatever, we were still talking constantly but suddenly she just stopped. And I saw her talking to this other guy. It made me crazy. Like… angry, jealous even, I guess. And I just… we were drunk and it just sort of happened."

"You drink?"

He just stares at her a few seconds as he chews.

"Angela doesn't. I try not to. It just- I thought she was with that guy and it just hurt a lot more than I thought it would, whenever I'd like hear songs about love or whatever."

The phone rings and she answers it as he eats.

**To Be Continued**


	14. Chapters 65 thru 69

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 65-69 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+ for the fic total- 10-15 pages per posting  
**RATING**: PG13 but will become R/NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do! This is strictly for entertainment.  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano. This fiction begins with the first episode of My So-Called Life and goes through the entire series and then continues on. Most of the timeline has been adhered to, with a few liberties of mine added in. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 65 thru 69 of 100**

**65**

"Well, I have to say, from everything that you've told me, I think it's clear that you never really meant to hurt her."

"It's like... you think you're safe, or something. 'Cause you can just... walk away any time. Because you don't, like, need her. You don't need anyone. But the thing you didn't realize is... you're wrong."

_And that's what I should have said to her two weeks ago, but I'll fix it tonight, I hope. I'll lay it all out there and just hope .Because I do need her and not to do my homework. I need her because I'm completely in love with her._

"You always wear this much makeup?" he wonders. It'd surprise him if she does since Angela doesn't wear any that he's noticed.

"Um, well, it was, I was expecting company tonight. An old friend. That was, he, just now on the phone. Seems that, uh, he has a touch of the flu, or something, and he took all this decongestant, and he was afraid to drive. This was a person who drove so recklessly when he was seventeen, that my parents wanted him dead."

_She's like Angela- rambling a little. I guess that's where she gets it from. I wonder if Angela's sister will one day drive some guy crazy with the same thing._

"Wow, ironic."

"Yes, it is," she smiles and it sort of reminds him of the way Angela smiles. "So… Angela knows you're coming?"

"Yeah. She said I could take her out, like… on a date. I mean if that's okay with you."

"Well… I suppose. But Angela has an eleven o'clock curfew on weekends and an eight o'clock curfew on weekdays. Got it?"

"Eleven and eight," he nods. "Got it."

"And under no circumstances are you to ever drive her anywhere if you've had any amount of alcohol or else I'll kill you myself."

"I like my car too much to risk that anyway."

"Okay then."

The phone rings and he feels nervous any time one does because he knows Tino will find him. Shane had come to the garage and told him that Tino found out about Graff and Jordan worries what Tino will do, probably beat him to the ground or something. And he had told Shane he'd be seeing Angela.

"If that's a guy named Tino, I'm not here."

She answers and talks as he drinks the rest of the milk.

"Got any more milk?"

"Sure," she says. "So… Tino?"

"Rayanne's sort of… boyfriend, I guess. I don't know. He found out today and I'm not sure what he might wanna do. I mean… he's a friend of mine, but guys kinda just… punch each other."

"Ah," she nods. "Sometimes I'm glad I had girls. I think I'm better off but then I think if you have boys, you're not worried about one getting pregnant."

"I guess," he shrugs and gulps the last of the milk.

He puts the glass down and she's still staring at him.

"Oh. Right. Well… you shouldn't worry, about that. I mean… from Angela anyway, I don't know her sister too well, but… Angela's…"

He has no idea what to say but in some strange way, he thinks her mom sort of gets him? He thinks she must because she says, "Angela never does anything she doesn't want to do."

"No, she doesn't," he agrees.

"Good then," she says. "And I think I saw a car pull up a couple minutes ago, so it's probably her."

"Oh, thank you," he says as he stretches. "For the sandwich and… the talk. I never really- I mean my mom died when I was little, so she never made me a sandwich or anything. It was nice."

"Well come back any time, only bring a gallon of milk with you."

"Okay," he laughs. "Angela will see you by eleven."

**66**

_I think that went well. I actually think her mom might sort of like me._

_She like Angela in a lot of ways, or Angela is like her._

He walks out and sees Angela standing with Brain across the street, standing too close and he worries if he's telling her about the letter.

"Angela?" he says and approaches them slowly. "Hey."

_I know exactly what I need to say to her and I didn't need his help this time. I can just tell her how I feel and be honest and she'll be upset for a while but I know she'll forgive me._

_I just know we'll be okay and we'll be together because I love her and I know she loves me, Rayanne said it and even Shane said it._

"Hey," she replies.

"Hey, Brain."

"Hi. Hey."

He stands next to her and can smell the vanilla again as he takes her hand.

"Come on, let's go," he says. He needs to just get her to the lake so he can tell her the truth about things. "Don't worry, your mom said it's okay. See ya, Brain."

"See ya."

He remembers to open the door for her and closes it behind her before walking around and getting in. He starts it and pulls away and sees she's just staring out the window.

"You… okay?" he asks quietly.

"Are you going to tell me the truth? Or do I have to find out from Rickie who found out from Brian, who still refuses to admit it out of some sick and undeserved loyalty to you?"

"Huh?"

"Stop the car. I can't do this."

"Angela, what are you-"

"Just stop the car, Jordan!" she yells and he pulls over and does as she asks, a block from her house.

He puts it in park and stares at the road, waiting for her to say something else. He had planned to tell her but not here, not in the car. He had it all worked out.

"Well?" she asks angrily.

"What? What do you want from me?"

"I want the truth for a change. I want it in your words. I want you to fucking look at me."

He turns toward her and thinks she looks so mad and hurt and he hates it's because of him. He wonders if all he'll ever be good for is this.

"I wanna hear it from your mouth and I want to tell me what, if any, of the stuff you've said to me the past two days was yours."

"I tried to tell you about the letter, this morning, but you kept interrupting me and then it was like… I suddenly knew what to say. I knew I could just tell you that I didn't know what to say."

"And everything else was his?"

"Yeah," he says honestly. "I tried- I had this whole like- thing I wanted to say in English that day and I just couldn't. I forgot- it just… went away. And me and him got talking in tutoring and he was sort of like… I don't know. It just sort of happened. All of this just- happened," he sighs and tugs on his sleeve. "But I'm ready now- to tell you, to… talk. To-"

"Well I'm not," she says. "I'm not. I-" She turns away to stare out the window and he's terrified that he won't even get the chance to tell her now when he's ready.

"Did you know?" she asks quietly.

"Know what?"

"Did you know that he-" She turns back to him and he meets her eyes. "That Brian like… I think he-" She's confused that she never saw it. He can see that in her eyes.

"Likes you," he states for her since he can see she's surprised. "I'm… I'm surprised you didn't know."

"Shit, I should have… I should have known. I should have seen it. Why didn't I see it? It's… been right there and I just… all along and I'm a terrible friend to not have seen that."

He's scared by the look she has in her eyes, like she has regrets. He's worried she regrets him.

"People see what they wanna see, Angela."

"Yeah, well… I can't do this tonight." She looks down at her fingers. "I'm sorry. I- I can't leave it like that with him."

"What do you- what do you mean?"

"I mean I owe him more than this, more than just driving off with you when he said such beautiful things to me, when he's… I can't leave him like this."

She opens the car door and he watches as she gets out. He's stunned. He has no idea what's going on and he's shocked.

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "I can't do this right now. I- I'll see you Monday."

"What?" he whispers. "Angela, I-"

She needs to hear it. She needs to see. He needs to tell her. He can't not tell her!

He can't just let her leave like this. He can't let her just-

"I'm sorry," she says, shaking her head as she closes the door. "Sorry."

And he watches her walking back to her house in his rearview mirror. She walks to him- to the other guy and he can't even hate him because he knows he's a good person, much better suited for her than Jordan Catalano could ever be.

_Please don't let her kiss him. Please don't let her kiss him._

He stares as she takes his hand and says something to him and he watches as she hugs him tightly and that's when he throws the car in drive and squeals off.

He can't watch.

He doesn't go back home.

He just gets on the highway and drives.

He has no idea where he's going but he just needs to be anywhere but there.

**67**

He's gone nearly a week.

He drives with the tape deck blaring and him screaming along until the car runs out of gas and then he pushes it to a gas station, fills up again and continues on the same way. He drives and sings until he's too exhausted to keep his eyes open. Then he pulls over and sleeps in his car before waking up to do it again. He does this until he finds himself halfway through Nebraska.

When he realizes he's in Nebraska, he realizes the reason why no one ever talks of going to Nebraska and why people always leave, so he turns around and drives home.

He gets in late Thursday evening and Elizabeth heats him up something and doesn't ask many questions about why he called her and said he'd be gone and not to worry.

He showers for the first time in a nearly a week and then collapses onto his bed and is so exhausted, he falls asleep with little thought.

Friday morning comes and as much as he does not want to go to school, he knows he has to.

The third quarter is almost over and now he has four days of work to make up.

He arrives close to the homeroom bell and rushes in after a cigarette.

He lies and says he had a death in the family and his teachers feel sorry for him.

He feels like he's the one who died.

He doesn't know what happened. He doesn't know why Angela had to hug him or if she realized she's in love with him. He doesn't know if they're a couple or what she told him. He knows nothing.

He just knows that during lunch, he knows where he'll be hiding.

He gets down the stairs and heads for the fenced part and sees her sitting on a crate. He hadn't been expecting that. He hadn't seen her yet.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey?" she asks, looking up from the edge of her skirt that she's playing with. "HEY?! You fucking disappear on me for a week and you open with 'hey'? You didn't even call!"

He doesn't know what to say so he doesn't.

"I thought- I thought something happened to you or- I just- don't ever do that again. Ever."

"Okay. I just- needed to be away from this."

"From me?" she asks softly.

"From him, from you and him and- I don't know, Angela. I just drove."

"Where?"

"Nebraska. Then I felt worse, so I turned around. I wouldn't recommend Nebraska as a vacation destination."

"Don't fucking make jokes," she says and he notices the amount of swearing she's done and when he really focuses in on her, he sees that she's shaking and looks really tired.

He walks over to where she's sitting and leans down to kiss her forehead.

He's about to say 'c'mere' but before he can, she's thrown her arms around him and he can feel her body shaking.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm here now."

He pulls her into his arms and then sits back down, rubbing her back through her sweater.

She sits in his lap and rests her head on his shoulder and he can smell the vanilla in her hair and wonders if perhaps it's just not meant to be, perhaps the things he thought on the road were true, that maybe he loves her too much to make it work.

_Maybe I just need her because I need someone but it doesn't mean it's supposed to be like… a thing._

He knows he's changed and he knows she's changed him, that loving her and the things that have happened and being on his own have changed him.

"You just left," she says. "Like… left."

"You did too. You know what it felt like to watch you to go him? Without knowing- without anything? I couldn't think. I just needed not to think."

"And did you? Not think?"

"Sort of, I guess." He shrugs and looks down to where she's playing with his fingers and spinning one of his rings around.

"What did you not think about?"

"You. Life. The fact that I don't wanna work in a garage my entire life, that I finally can like- get help? That I owe to you."

She's quiet for a while, playing with his fingers and his ring and eventually the bracelet that's still on his wrist. He rests his cheek on her head and closes his eyes.

"Why is it like we can have all these different moments? Like silly ones when I feel like I'm some normal teenager and then others when I feel like the thing that's happening is too huge? Do you ever feel that way? Like sometimes the moment that you're living is too big for you? Too complex or something?"

"Yeah," he answers, knowing she's not done with her ramble.

"Or like… a moment when you know that your life is about to change? Like when you know if you do or say one thing, your life will be completely different than maybe it should have been? Like… this day I was in the mall looking for earrings and I recognized this girl that was there from school and for some reason, I just went over to her."

She lifts her head off his shoulder and sits up, her hands stilling.

"And I just knew that if I didn't start hanging out with her, my life would be like… totally mundane. And it hasn't been since then. I met Rickie and then me and Sharon like… grew up I guess. And if I hadn't started hanging out with Rayanne, I would never have even met you, let alone been- whatever we are."

"And what are we, Angela?" he wonders. "I thought- you gave me this bracelet and we- kept touching, maybe not making out, but we still… it still felt like we were- But then it changed so quickly and you didn't come down here anymore and I saw you talking to that Corey kid and heard that you and he were like… something. I mean I thought we were still- it seemed like we were still like together but not together. And then-"

"I wanted to be over you," she interrupts him. "I did. I wanted- I woke up one morning and thought I was. I thought- I mean- I don't know. It was like there's me and there's you. And I just thought maybe we were just supposed to be friends. Maybe we're better off that way."

"Maybe," he says and the bell rings and they're snapped back to the reality of school.

She stands up. "We should- we have English and there's a test, so I have to go. Are you-"

"Yeah," he nods and stands up. "We should."

**68**

The walk to Katimski's is silent and when they get there, she takes her seat as he gets the work he missed. He works on as much as he can while the rest take the test and when the bell rings, he walks over to her and her friends.

"Brain, can you- are you still my tutor?" he wonders.

"I- for now," he nods slowly.

"So today?"

"Yeah," the kid nods and leaves.

"So… do you wanna like… go somewhere? Tonight?" he asks cautiously.

_I don't know what she's thinking or what can really happen anymore. Maybe nothing can. Maybe nothing should. Maybe this all just means we'll move on._

_I don't know if I can or if I want to. But something feels finished with her and I don't like it. I don't like that it sort of feels finished, even if I still love her, even if I still wanna be with her._

_Either way, we have to talk. We have to like- at least sort things out, I guess, make it official if it is over._

"I'm on set tonight. We're doing rehearsals with the set and Rickie roped me into it, so…"

"So what if I pick you up? After? I'm at the garage anyway, and I can come over and get you?"

"I uh-"

He opens the door for her and just as they leave, Rayanne slams into them as she comes around a corner. "Oh sorry, it's- Oh." She steps away from them quickly. "Hey. Catalano, you're back."

"Yeah," he nods.

"I- I'm going," Angela says and starts to walk off.

_Dammit. She can't- she didn't say yes. Of course now she probably won't because of Graff._

"Angelika!"

He's surprised that she stops when Graff calls her nickname. Not only is he surprised that she stops, he's shocked that she turns. She doesn't say anything but she stands there waiting.

"I- there's- there's an after party at my house next Friday night. You- you sold tickets and you're part of the crew. You should- you should come."

He knows how much Graff misses her. He knows how much they must miss each other because of the way they'd look at each other across the hall the past few weeks.

"I'll think about it," Angela says and looks at him. "Bye."

"No, wait. I'm coming with. We didn't- you didn't answer me."

"Wait, Catalano," Graff says quickly. "Tino, he's- been looking for you. I'd- I don't know - settle it with him or whatever."

He nods and leaves her behind to catch up with Angela who is already halfway down the hall.

"Please, stop. We- we have to talk or- something. Can I give you a ride home tonight?"

"Um- yeah, I guess that'd be good. I don't know when we'll be done though, after six, but I'm not sure when."

"I'll wait for you then."

"Okay. I gotta get to Spanish."

He watches her walk off and heads to class himself.

_Could it be finished? Could it seriously just be done? Like that? Because of that letter? Or because I left? Had I stayed, would things be different? Is it still because of Graff? That seems like it happened so long ago now even if it was only a month or so._

These are the things he thinks of during the last two classes of the day before heading to the tutoring room. He sits down at his desk and gets his stuff out.

"So, if you- look, Brain, if you wanna leave, it's fine. I understand."

"No, it's fine. It's- I agreed to do this, so what do you have?"

Jordan hands him the list he kept of the work he needs to make up and watches as the kid starts reading it for a second before putting it down.

"How dare you leave for a week!"

"What?" Jordan asks, surprised the kid seems mad about it.

"She was freaking out! How could you just leave like that without calling her?"

"I didn't- I didn't wanna be here to find out what she said to you, or what happened."

The kid laughs sadly. "Nothing. Nothing will ever happen and now she and I both know it. We're just- she could have told me that before. She really could have just said, Brian, we ate paste together and I will never see you as anything other than a neighbor. That would have been really helpful."

"Look, I'm- I'm sorry," Jordan says. "I shouldn't have- I took advantage of you and I'm- that was wrong."

"No. I- I needed to hear it. I needed to know. I needed to take my shot and get turned down horribly so I can just-" He shakes his head. "So you missed a lot. I'd say the first thing you should do is to ask Katimski for an extension on the book chapter outlines. Get the other subjects done first and then come back to the book."

Jordan nods because it makes sense and it helps to have someone help him organize since he's never been organized enough.

"Are you still going to that clinic on the weekend?"

"Yeah," Jordan nods. "They're okay. They do some like… really basic stuff like how to read words, figure out how to say 'em and recognize what they are and what they mean. I guess it's helpful but really boring. But they have a girl there that I started with like two weeks ago that gives me these little paragraphs and then asks questions about them. Sort of annoying, but it helps."

"Anything does," Brain says. "The more reading you do, the better you'll be."

"Everyone says that," Jordan rolls his eyes but knows it's true. "So… what did she say? Exactly? To you."

"She said 'whether it's Jordan Catalano or not, it can't be Brian Krakow'."

_That does not sound like it would have felt good to hear. That blows._

_And whether it's me or not? That's-_

_I need to prepare myself for the fact that it could very well be over._

_It feels like it's- over._

_I don't want it to feel like that._

**69**

He's sitting on the trunk of his car, where he's been laying, leaning and sitting for the better part of an hour, waiting for her.

He finally sees her and several others coming down the stairs.

"Rickie, you really don't need that extra house on it. I'm telling you it's good enough, okay?" she laughs.

"Oh and you should talk, Angela?" Corey says. "You wanted to make more tomb stones."

"Well it just looks scarce to me. Whatever, it's fine. I think we need to stop obsessing over it all so they can actually get through a rehearsal."

A car screeches to a halt and he hears someone angrily scream, "CATALANO!"

_Fuck. Tino!_

"You fucking piece of shit!" he hears as he turns to face him when a fist lands across his jaw.

"JORDAN!" he hears Angela scream.

Everything happens really fast and he swings back and makes contact before another blow land to his stomach and all the air just disappears. He falls to the ground as he hears Tino screaming.

"Fucking asshole! How dare you!"

"It wasn't like that, Tino!" he yells and tries to get up but another punch to the face knocks him back down and then Tino's foot flies into his stomach.

"TINO! TINO! GET OFF HIM!"

"Jordan! STOP IT!"

"GET OFF HIM! It's not worth it! I fuckin' told you!"

He can hear people screaming and sees Graff grabbing onto Tino's arm to yank him away and Angela doing to the same.

He stands up as best he can, using the car door handle to support himself, grateful that Tino backs off and relaxes a bit. The girls step back.

"You're done, Catalano," he says. "You're done. I swear to god, if you touch her again, you're done."

"Tino!" Graff says. "I told you not to do this. C'mon, take me home."

There's a moment when he thinks it'll start again, but then Tino grabs Graff's arm and storms away angrily with her.

He coughs a bit and tries to figure out if he's alive. He's certainly not new to physical violence or blows to the stomach. It hurts like hell but he thinks he's okay, or he will be after some Tylenol and a weekend to sleep.

"Jordan, are you okay?" Angela asks, rushing over with the others. "What- what happened?"

"Angela," Rickie says quietly. "It's obvious Tino knows about-"

"Oh. Right."

"I'm fine. Let's- ready to go?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks, touching his face gently. "You're bleeding."

"C'mon," he says and opens his car door so he can sink down into the seat. He rests his head back for a minute before realizing she's in the car and staring at him. "Don't worry so much."

He pulls himself painfully up so he can start the car.

"You're- you could be like seriously hurt, Jordan. You should go to the hospital."

"First, I don't have insurance. Second, I've had worse and third, it's not like I don't deserve it."

"I wouldn't have wanted you beaten up."

He shrugs it off as he heads to her street and can't help be happy that she's at least worried because it means she still cares.

"So, how is the play coming?"

"Good. Really good. It might actually come out being really good. The cast is- they're doing really good and with Corey on set direction, everything is coming out really well but it's a lot of work."

He tries to listen but finds it hard because his stomach is starting to really sting.

"You need a doctor."

"It'll be fine."

He puts the car into park and then leans back onto the seat.

"Shit, I forgot how much being kicked in the stomach hurts."

"Lemme see," she says and the next thing he knows, she's pushing his shirt up to try and expose his stomach but he pushes her hand away. "Jordan, lemme just make sure it's not bleeding or something."

"It's fine. Just drop it, okay? It's fine."

"Fine."

She places her hands in her lap and sits quietly for a few minutes as she looks around, to him, outside, down the street, to her house, everywhere.

"Does it-" she starts and stops herself.

"What?"

"Does it- does it feel… over? To you?"

He doesn't reply. He doesn't want to.

Again, he's faced with the horrible thought of her not being there and suddenly his stomach hurts ten times worse.

"Does it?" she repeats.

"I- I don't know. I- I think so."

He hears her sigh and she sinks down into the seat close to him and rests her head next to his.

"This sucks."

"I don't know what changed it," he says. "I- maybe we did."

"Maybe it's just- too complicated or whatever. I- I still miss your hair," she whispers as she reaches out and touches it softly. "You… you have great hair."

"I miss this," he says and gently stroked her throat with his thumb. "And how you react to it. I had so many like… images of that- you underneath me, me licking up your throat to kiss you, watching you as you-"

He stopped himself immediately, realizing he'd gone way too far, into too much detail than he'd ever gone before with her about what he wanted.

"And- knowing it'll be- it'll be another guy just… kills me."

"Are we- can we still be friends?" she wonders softly and he can feel how hurt she is. He knows how hurt they both are. It hurts to admit that things have changed too much to go back.

"Always," he says. "You- you should get inside."

"Will you go to a hospital if it gets worse?"

"Yes, Ma'am," he laughs a bit and then holds his stomach because it hurts to laugh.

"So… I'll see you Monday?"

"Yeah," he confirms. "Monday. I promise."

She nods and opens the car door. He watches as she puts her feet out the door and stops.

"Did you really- think about that? That… stuff? About us?"

"All the time."

"I'm sorry it won't be you too," she says before getting out and shutting the door behind her.

He watches her go into her house and heads back to his place, wondering if they'll ever be able to be friends as they'd once been.

**To Be Continued**

_**Gah! So obviously the rest is my take on the after events- what do you think so far? I'm so nervous now without the show as a guide!**_

_**Question- chpts 95-100 will be the beginning of the summer after the school year. Any scenes you'd like to see with Jordan/Angela or the gang with regards to school letting out? I need a couple ideas**_


	15. Chapters 70 thru 74

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 70-74 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+

**RATING**: PG13

**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!

**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,

**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**-Break Me Down-**

**Ch. 70 thru 74 of 100**

**70**

_I forgot how much this hurts for days and how bad the bruises can be._

He's got three distinct ugly bruises forming on his stomach and his jaw and cheek is swollen and nasty looking.

He's lying on the couch shirtless on Saturday with an ice pack on his face and one on his stomach when he hears a knock on the door.

He can't bring himself to get up.

_Who the hell would visit me anyway? Could be Tino, in which case no thanks. Or it could be someone selling cookies or something and I'm not getting up for that._

The knock repeats louder the second time.

He winces as he gets up and walks to the door, his bare feet slapping on the hardwood that he finished for her the week after he moved in.

He opens the door, annoyed at being bothered and when he opens it, he's shocked.

"I wanted to check on you and-"

_Fuck! What the fuck is she doing here?_

He puts his hands in front of his stomach quickly as he watches her eyes focus on his naked torso. He backs away quickly because he has to find a shirt.

"Jordan, what are-"

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asks, grabbing a t-shirt from a pile on the counter.

""What?"

"Did I fucking ask you to come?" he asks as he struggles to get the shirt on quickly.

"Stop it!" she yells and yanks it away from him and he can't do anything. He's frozen in place as he watches her look at his chest. "What's- what's that?" she asks as her fingers reach out hesitantly and touch a scar on his breastbone.

"Nothing, get out," he says and turns to his side but she steps in front of him again.

"What is all this?" she asks, touching the other two small scars he has there. "Jordan…"

"What do you think?" he asks, turning quickly from her because he doesn't want to see her face as she thinks, as she realizes that he really has had worse than just a few blows to the stomach.

He turns from her and then realizes that was stupid because he feels a few of her fingers trace one of the longer scars on his back.

"Stop it," he says. "Just leave."

"No." He hears the tears already in her voice, the waiver that barely allows her to stay the word.

"I- I won't," she whispers and then he feels her hands grip his biceps and then her lips are on his back between his shoulder blades. She places a small but lingering kiss there.

And then like that, her touch is removed and he hears the front door close and he lets out a sigh of relief that she did leave. He didn't want to see her again after she figured out the last of how he is.

"Have you eaten today?"

Her voice breaks the silence and makes him jump slightly.

He says nothing.

"I brought a few things. My dad made muffins this morning for us, so… and I stopped at the store. I thought maybe you'd need like… juice or something, so I got that too. I don't know if you like orange juice but-"

"Why are you doing this?" he asks, still staring at the wall, his back to her.

"Because- because you're my friend. Because no matter what, I- I care about you. Because I was worrying all last night so I thought the only way to stop worrying was to just come over here and check on you myself."

"And what a picture I am," he says and grabs another t-shirt and pulls it on quickly.

He wants her to leave but he also wants her company.

"No, I haven't eaten and yes, I like orange juice."

"Your face looks horrible," she observes as she approaches him again and touches his jaw carefully. "Does it hurt a lot?"

"A little," he shrugs. "I can deal with it."

"Let me see your stomach? It looked pretty bruised."

"It'll be a nice shade of purple by tomorrow, but it'll be fine."

Her hand lingers over his at the edge of the shirt where he stops her from pulling it up.

They still for a few minutes, staring at each other and he wonders if this is what a friendship with her is, if he could really truly have just a friendship with her, yet at the same time it did feel finished not twelve hours ago.

"So muffins, huh? I could eat a muffin."

She smiles gently. "Okay. You- go lay down and rest."

He follows the direction and puts the ice packs back in place.

She's quiet in the kitchen area for a few minutes before returning to his side with a muffin and cup of orange juice and an apple.

"How'd you get over here?" he wonders.

"My mom. She has a few errands and will pick me up in a couple hours. She sent the apple and some other stuff that I put in your fridge."

"Thanks," he says and picks a bit of the muffin top off to pop in his mouth. She's just sitting on the coffee table he found and refinished. She's sitting with the plate in her lap and saying nothing and it drives him crazy since he knows exactly what she's thinking. "Ask."

"Ask?"

"You know you want to. You know you will. So ask."

"How? Who? No. I know who. How?"

He turns his head slightly so he can see her face as he tells her.

"Cigarette butts and a belt, repeatedly."

He watches as her eyes take it in and her hope breaks just a little bit. Her hand reaches out and takes the ice pack off his jaw and the next thing he knows, her mouth is on his, her tongue just gently probes his mouth for a second and then it's gone.

"I'm glad you're not there anymore."

"Doesn't change anything," he shrugs. "It's- it's really fine, Angela. It was a while ago."

"But still… doesn't it- hurt you? Still? Knowing?"

"Used to, but not much anymore. It's just… part of me now."

"I'm- I'm gonna freshen the ice for you."

He watches as she gets up, a bit shaky on her feet. He reaches out and takes her hand. He feels her tremble just a little.

"It's okay, Angela. I'm really okay."

Then he watches her walk to the kitchen and he wonders-

_How can it really be over? How can it really be over when we have moments like this?_

**71**

"I ain't no bungee expert or nothing, but I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like that."

"Please Stand By?" Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal."

"Let's just pray that Trevor's okay."

She laughs loudly and he does too.

"I just love him," she giggles softly. "This has to be one of my favorite shows."

He takes a few M&M's out of the palm of her hand and pops them in his mouth.

"Yeah, it's a decent show."

"You love it, admit it," she smiles and tilts her head so she can look at him. "Admit it or else I won't give you more M&M's."

"That's mean."

"Well admit it and I won't have to be."

"Fine. I admit it, okay? I like it. Are you happy?"

"Yes," she nods and turns back to the television.

She holds up her hand and offers him another. He takes it and then rests his arm back around her. She's leaning against him with her head on his shoulder, as they have been for the last hour.

_Now it doesn't feel like it's over. What the fuck is this? What is it about her and us that can feel so final in one second and then so completely familiar the next?_

_But if this is the only way she can be in my life, I'd rather this than nothing._

He's been without her presence before and he didn't like it. He would rather have her as a friend than not at all. He'd rather have her in this strange extremely comfortable way than be without her laughter or voice.

It goes to commercial and she goes to the kitchen to get another glass of juice for him and then settles back against his body, carefully to not hurt his stomach further.

"So… you… gonna go to her party?"

"Huh?"

"Friday night? After the play?"

"Oh," she says, stunned at the question.

"C'mon, we… have to be able to say her name here if we're friends, right? It's not- Angela it wasn't anything. Even if we're done, you still should know it wasn't anything. It was just- loneliness and jealousy and alcohol that I barely remember and wish I could forget what I do know."

"I know," she says quietly. "I- I mean I know now, understand it better. But it still- god, that hurt so much, Jordan, knowing you wouldn't wait for me but would sleep with her?"

"It wasn't- with her or with anyone else, it wasn't like what it would have been with you. Because I didn't give a damn about them. And you- I'm sure she misses you and you miss her. She's- we made a huge mistake that we both wish we could take back."

She's quiet for a while and the show comes back on. She hands him a few more M&M's.

"I'm thinking about it. I don't know if I can- I mean she knew, ya know? So what if I told her I was over you, she knew I wasn't. She knew that and still, even if I was, even if I was married and it's ten years from now and she ran into you at a party, it's still not okay to sleep with your best friend's man, ex or current or dream. It's- it's girl code. I mean they make like a million TV shows about it. It's in the media. There are songs about it. You just- she knew that."

"She was hurting; we both were. We thought it'd make us feel better but it just makes things worse."

"I mean I'm not angry about it like I was, but… when I look at her, I still feel it and I don't know if that'll go away."

"Maybe you should just go and see?"

"Yeah, I just-" She stops and sits up.

"What?" he asks and touches her shoulder. "What?"

"It's like… I'm hurt by it and also there's like this part of me that's like… jealous."

"Jealous of what?" he wonders. What could she be jealous about? Jealous of Rayanne?

"Because she- she like… knows you now in a way I don't, in a way I can't."

"Well… you could…" he whispers teasingly.

She turns and glares at him sharply. "You know what I mean though."

"So? I know you in a way she doesn't; that's why she was lonely and drinking. She missed you because we were spending so much time together."

"That- that makes sense," she nods and turns completely. She pulls her legs up onto the couch and sits Indian style facing him.

"What?" he asks.

"For being so stoic, you certainly talk a lot now."

"Stoic? What's that?"

"That's like… someone who's always quiet and statue-like, like unbreakable or super serious or something."

"Well I guess I've changed a bit, for the better I hope."

"I think so," she grins and hears a beeping outside. "That'd be my mom. I have to go but make sure you rest tomorrow too?"

"Yeah, yeah, just get out of here. Go."

He watches as she walks out the door and then closes his eyes; he's tired.

**72**

A week passes with friendly conversations and a couple after school talks on the hood of his car. It's comfortable and familiar and they sort of start to fall back into their rhythm of talking between classes or in the morning at his car.

Another week passes and the bruises are faint now.

He notices she and Rickie and Rayanne are starting to be closer again and she seems happier, much happier and he's happy that she is.

"Catalano," Shane says as he slams his locker shut.

"Asshole, I wasn't done with that." Jordan opens it again after shoving his friend away. "What do you want?"

"I have the best idea! I met this guy and-"

"You two are going to sail off into the sunset? How sweet!"

"Shut up. I met this guy last night and he plays guitar. I heard him and he's fucking awesome. So- since Residue is gone, I say you and me and him start our own."

"What?"

"C'mon, Man. Forget those other guys. We don't need guys fighting all the time. You and me and this other guy- we make our own. We can do some covers but some of your shit is really good."

"I- I don't know," he shrugs. He's been trying to concentrate on school a lot more and was happy that he actually passed all his classes for the first time in high school. Angela had been proud of him too.

"C'mon. We have to do it. When can you do this stuff if not now?"

"What stuff?" he hears from behind him and then Angela shows up at his side.

"Hey, Angela, tell this jerk that he needs to say yes to me," Shane says. "He needs to say yes because he just has to. Because it'll be a lot of fun and his shit is too good not to be heard."

"What is he talking about?" she laughs.

"A band."

"What band?" Rayanne asks as she comes over. "Hey, Shane."

"So… you seen Tino around?" Shane asks her. "He was supposed to give me the five bucks he owes me."

"He was here. He went to get me Chinese again."

"Shouldn't it be the other way around? You doing things for him?" Shane laughs.

"Anyway," Jordan rolls his eyes. "I'll think about it."

"Think about what?" Angela asks.

"What band?" Rayanne asks.

"He needs to be in a band with me and this guitar player I found. You should at least hear him, Jordan, he's so tight. And your songs are incredible."

"You've been writing songs again?" Angela asks, touching his arm casually.

_Yes, I have. I had one you had to hear but then you got out of the car to talk to Brian Krakow instead and I never played it for you._

_I thought that fucking song would make her forgive me, make her love me, but she never heard it._

_But yes, I've been writing again._

"Yeah," he nods.

"And you should hear some of it," Shane says. "Just reading the lyrics is amazing."

"Can we get off this?" Jordan says, embarrassed. He'd known it'd be a mistake to let Shane hear any of it, but he'd also wanted an opinion. But since he'd played a couple, Shane hadn't stopped bugging him about it.

"Tonight, Catalano. You and me are meeting with him and if you punk out on me, you'll have another swollen jaw. Louie's. Eight o'clock. We'll just shoot some pool and talk to him."

"Fine," he says. "Fine. Eight. We'll meet but don't fuckin' bet on anything."

"Great. Later," Shane says and walks off with Rayanne.

"English?" Angela asks.

"Yeah, I guess, though the last place I wanna be right now is English. I miss skipping class and fucking around and-"

"But you passed your classes, Jordan, on your own without me doing your homework."

"I know," he sighs as they walk up the stairs.

"So you're gonna meet them tonight? You should. If he thinks your songs are good, you should at least think about it. You liked band practice, didn't you?"

"I guess, not that we ever got any practicing done cause they all argued so much."

"So just think about it. It might be fun and I have yet to see you perform, so you have to do it."

He laughs a bit. "So what are you doing this weekend?" he wonders. He's hoping they might spend some time together because even if it's supposedly finished, he still wants to spend time with her and she seems happy to spend time with him.

_She's still my best friend. That didn't change and it's a good thing too because the couple weeks she wasn't talking to me were horrible._

"Going to my cousin's birthday party on Saturday, which is just gonna suck. It's a two hour car ride there for these people that never come to our parties. But my mom insists on going, so… two hours stuck in a car with my parents and Danielle."

"Oh, I heard from Katie yesterday. She called me. We talked for a good hour."

"How is she?"

"She's good. She has about seven best friends that she told me all about and a boy that stinks but follows her around on the playground."

"You must miss her so much."

He does. He misses seeing her really bad but there's nothing he can do about that.

"I do," he sighs as he sits down next to her in class. "But there's nothing I can do about it, so I-"

"Okay, Kids. Today we're starting a new journey. We'll be reading How to Kill a Mockingbird."

**73**

"Catalano!"

He closes his locker and turns to see Graff running up to him.

"Two words: spring break party. Or is that three?" she laughs and he can tell she's been drinking a bit. She takes his arm and starts pulling him down the hallway with her.

_Is she fucking crazy?_

_She's just started to get Angela back to talking to her and she's touching me?_

He tries to pull away from her but she holds him tightly.

"So, spring break party. It'll be Saturday night but we need a location. I have no idea what to do about food or booze. Do you have money? I'm broke."

"What the fuck are you talking about Graff?"

_And why would I care about a spring break party? So we get a week off, who cares?_

"RICKIE!" she screams as she looks up the stairs and sees him coming down. She drags Jordan over to the bottom of the stairs to Rickie.

"Okay, Saturday night. Jordan's in and we'll-"

"In on WHAT?" he yells.

"Angela's surprise party!" she grins. "OH, we'll get Cherski in on it of course. Maybe she can take care of the food and-"

_Angela's party? Is it her birthday?_

_She hasn't mentioned it._

"Yeah, it has to be really amazing," Rickie says. "Sweet sixteen and all."

"OH! And you're taking care of the music, right?" she asks Jordan.

"Huh?"

"Angela's birthday party, Catalano, get with it. We need a location, my house is out. We need some place cheap. OH! Maybe like Louie's?"

"Angela doesn't know that many people," Rickie says. "How are you going to throw her a huge party when she has about five friends?"

"That's why we just invite the entire school!" Rayanne laughs. "We have to do this for Angelika and we have less than a week to do it. Catalano and me will spread the word in our circle. Cherski can hit that crowd. Rickie, you're on decorations. Catalano- your band has a gig. Congratulations, don't fuck it up."

"What?! We- we can't play a gig! We have about five songs we can do!"

_We've been a band for about three weeks! That's it. We've practiced a lot though, from that first meeting we all just clicked._

He's been surprised how quickly they've worked. Shane was right that Matt was an incredible bass guitarist and his friend Tom also joined them and since then, they'd been working out of Matt's garage an hour each night and three hours on Saturday's and Sunday's.

"So? Do them. Learn some covers. CHERSKI!" she yells and she comes over. "You're in charge of food, chips, dip, nothing big for Angelika's party, Saturday night. It's a surprise so shh."

He stands there and listens as Rayanne assigns everyone jobs and makes them promise to do it. She's pushy and he can see that she really hopes this will get her forgiveness. She wants to do this for Angela, to make her happy, to show her she cares.

"Okay, everyone, remember, if you don't follow through, I will have to kill you. We'll meet up tomorrow morning before homeroom near the gym since Angelika never goes there. And remember people, you have to get want you want. Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!" she chants as she dances away.

"What is she on?" Cherski asks.

"Good question," Rickie says quietly. "But… a surprise party for Angela would be fun, so… we need a location though."

"We might be able to use Matt's house. I could ask anyway. He's in my band."

"Okay, People, let's go be aggressive," Cherski laughs as she walks off.

He heads to English with Rickie but is stopped outside the room in the hallway.

"Hey, Jordan," Annie smiles softly. She was sort of new to the school in the past month and had been flirting with him constantly. She was in three of his classes and was always finding a way to be paired with him. Granted, she was pretty and all his friends wanted to know if she put out since none of them had gotten the chance to find out since she clearly had eyes for him.

"Hey, Annie," he said as she took his arm and pulled him to the side of the hallway.

"So look, I'm just wondering if you're ever gonna ask me out," she asks, stepping in close to him. She touches his waist a bit. "Because, if you were going to, I'd definitely say yes."

"Yeah, I-" His eyes can't even focus on her because he sees Angela staring at them on her way into English. "I'll keep it in mind."

He manages to dodge another of her advancing steps.

"Well you shouldn't wait too long," she says suggestively.

"I- I got class."

He walks in and takes his place next to Angela and Rickie.

"Can you just look at this?" he asks her as he pulls out the short essay they had to write. "Are there any major errors?"

"Sure," she nods and pauses before taking it. "She… she's pretty."

"Huh?" he asks.

"Annie? Is that her name?"

"I guess," he shrugs.

"That it's her name or that she's pretty?" she asks, looking up from his paper.

"Both, I guess. So does it look okay?"

"Yeah," she says and hands it back to him. "So… she obviously likes you. I mean she touches you in the hallway at least once a day."

"In my classes too."

"So… what do you-"

"Oh for god sake," Rickie says, spinning in his seat. "Are you interested in her or not, Jordan?! That's what she wants to know, so just tell her yes or no so she can stop fucking obsessing about it with us, okay?"

_She's- she's obsessing over if I like Annie or not?_

It takes him only a second to realize she's jealous. She's jealous that he might be interested in someone else and not her.

"I- I hadn't thought about it really. I'm just focusing on school and the band, ya know?"

"That doesn't answer the question," Rickie says.

"Okay, Class, settle down, settle down!" Mr. Katimski says. "Enrique, turn around."

**74**

"So we're set for the garage," Shane tells him as they get out of his car and head in to the building. "However are we really gonna be ready? I mean- Saturday is three days away, Man."

"I know, but you know Graff. She's insistent. She says we have to play a couple sets. So we can do the five songs of mine and we have tried a couple covers. We can work on tightening them up the next couple days and then do some runs of our entire set. And then they'll have a DJ that Rickie found. I mean, it's exposure anyway, which is good."

_In all honesty? I'm pretty excited about playing. I'm nervous as hell for people hearing my songs, MY music. They're all really personal to me both because of how difficult it is to write the lyrics down and then to figure out how to put it together. But we've been working really hard and it'd be nice to show what we've got._

_Tom and Matt are both anxious to start performing at open mic nights and other things. They are really serious about pursuing music professionally and they get me swept up into the whole thing. All three of them keep telling me how amazing my lyrics are, so…_

_And I'm nervous to play them for her but it will mean a lot. It means a lot to be working on this party for her because she does deserve a celebration._

"So…" Shane says as they get to Jordan's locker. "What's… what's going on with you and her anyway?"

"Who?" Jordan asks.

"You and Angela. You and Annie. Take your pick."

He just shrugs. "Angela and I are-"

_I have no idea. Friends I suppose. Or I thought. I mean I thought we said it was over and it felt over but now? I'm not- one minute it'll feel sure and permanent and then the next minute it'll feel temporary._

"Whatever we are. Friends, I guess. And Annie is… she's-"

_She's beautiful, truly. She's one of those natural type model beauties only it's strange because she hangs out not with the popular and perky but with us- the outcasts. She hangs out with Nancy and Cynthia sometimes though has not yet started sleeping around, so she's strange to all of us._

"She's pretty, nice."

"And she has a huge fucking thing for you, obviously. So if you and Angela are friends, why not go for it with Annie?"

"I don't know," he shrugs. "I just wanna focus on getting out of this hell hole and the band."

"Catalano!" Graff yells. "Meeting, remember? Come on!"

"I'll catch you later," he says and leaves Shane to go to the second secret meeting.

They slip into the stair well of the boiler room where Rickie and Cherski are waiting.

"Status check, let's go. Quick," Graff says.

"We've got Matt's garage and yard. He has a deck where our band will set up and where the DJ can set up. Food can go in the garage and we keep it on the lawn. No one goes in the house, it'll be locked."

"Good," she nods. "Cherski?"

"We've been spreading the word about a party but now we can send out the location. My mom gave me a hundred bucks for food, so someone has to get it."

"I can," Jordan says. "Or I can drive someone to go."

"You can take Rickie and me after school Friday," Graff says. "So food is good. Rickie?"

"DJ is set but he says is fifty bucks. Think Angela's parents would chip in? Someone has to talk to them and make sure it's okay if she's gone."

"I can talk to her mom," Jordan volunteers. "She likes me, I think."

"And decorations?" Graff asks.

"Taken care of. There are tons of things left over from the play party that we didn't put up and that's all we'll need since they'll probably get trashed anyway."

"Great!" Rayanne smiles happily. "Now the only thing left is to tell people to bring her presents! Big or small, doesn't matter! And a birthday crown! Oh! And an outfit! Doubt she'll wear something from my closet though…"

"Well how are we going to get her there?" Rickie wonders.

_There's something exciting about planning this and knowing that Angela will be completely surprised and shocked._

"I'd say I'm out of that equation," Graff says. "She's still iffy with me. It has to be close to the truth but far enough away not to be suspicious."

"I could just tell her my band mate is having a party and I have to go? Then I could invite her?" he suggests.

"But that sounds like a date and you're not dating," Cherski sighs. "So…"

"So I'll tell her we're playing at a party and that maybe she should come with you guys. I can get her there. I can sell it for her get there and you can bring her and then we'll all be there."

"YES!" Graff screams. "YES! Perfect! That's it! This is perfect! Good. Operation meeting is over. Cherski and Rickie, go out first."

He stands there with Graff as they leave.

"So if you're gonna go for Anna or whatever, fucking do it," she tells him. "But tell Angela first so she's not driving herself crazy over it, okay?"

"I'm sick of people telling me what to do! Annie isn't anything, okay? I'm focusing on school and the band. That's it."

_Honestly? I can't see myself with anyone but Angela right now. It's like- if it's not her, I don't want anyone._

"So just butt out of my business," he says before rushing out the door.

"Catalano!" she laughs, running out after him. "Get back here!"

And they're both stunned when Angela is standing there, looking at them in horror.

She turns quickly and starts to leave when they both yell her name.

"It is not what you think," Graff says quickly. "So so not. Been there, done that and I'm completely like… never going there again."

"So what the hell are you doing in the boiler room together?!" she yells as she turns and wipes a tear from her eye.

"We-" He has no idea what to say because he can't tell her the truth, obviously.

"There's this party, Angelika," she explains. "I heard that Catalano's band is playing a party on Saturday. I saw him going down there and I followed him because I had to talk to him about it."

"Why?" she asks softly, not believing the story at all.

"Because of Tino," Jordan says quickly. "Because he- he just heard about the party and didn't know I had a new band and there's- she's worried he might show up to cause trouble, so…"

"Why are you lying?" she asks them both.

"Angelika, we're not. I talked to Shane and he said that Jordan's songs are infuckingcredible and I don't want that to get messed up if they're playing at a party. I just had to talk to him in private because of Tino's friends, of their friends, Kevin and them. I didn't want them hearing I was telling Catalano about it."

"Angela, I would never- WE would never do that to you again," he assures her.

She stares at them both for a few minutes before nodding and turning to leave.

"So will you come?" he asks as he walks up to her and Graff goes the other way. "To the party? Matt, one of our guitarists, is throwing it so we can have a crowd to play to. It'd- I want you there. Will you come? Maybe see if your friends would wanna go too? That way you won't be alone?"

"Saturday?" she asks.

"Yeah, Saturday night. It'd mean a lot to me to have you there."

"I'll… I'll check with my mom. I'd like to hear you play again, definitely."

"Angela, seriously nothing happened in-"

"I know. It just- was sort of a shock to see you two so… friendly."

"We're not. She just didn't want another confrontation between Tino and me."

"Okay," she says. "So… I'll see about Saturday."

"Want a ride home tonight? I'm not working tonight, so I wouldn't mind."

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

**To Be Continued – I may be borrowing a bit from 30stm- hope that's okay with everyone! We'll see some of the band in here and some songs at the party!**


	16. Chapters 75 thru 79

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 75-79 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+  
**RATING**: PG13  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 75 thru 79 of 100**

**75**

He's leaning against the back of his car waiting for her after school. She said she had a geometry review but he's content to just wait.

_Which is pathetic for a girl you're supposed to finished with, however for a friend? Who the fuck knows anymore! Would she be jealous if she's just a friend? Or does she think we're on our way to being back together just like I did when I was jealous over Corey?_

_Or is that just a part of getting over your ex when they have someone else?_

_I wish I fucking knew this shit but I don't. Whatever._

He hops up onto the trunk and puts his feet on the bumper.

He lights a cigarette and takes in the green grass and warmer weather, for a change. It was a long and horrible winter, but he has plans to take an intensive reading course over the summer which will hopefully allow him to pass the GED test or take his junior year if he doesn't.

"Jordan!" he hears a cheerfully sexy voice say and he turns to watch Annie saunter up to him from the football field. "Hey there."

"Hey," he nods and watches as she leans against his car, turned toward him.

"Whacha doin' here?"

"Waiting for a friend."

"Well I'll wait with you," she says softly as she reaches out and takes his cigarette for a minute. "So I hear you're in a band that's playing?" She exhales the smoke slowly and hands it back to him.

"Yeah," he nods, not really sure why the attention is so strange to him. A year ago, he was making several trips to the boiler room for making out, among other things.

"What music do you play?"

"Rock, I guess. We do a few covers and a few originals, so…"

"I heard you write?" she says and touches his arm softly and it puts him on edge.

"Yeah. I do the lyrics and melody and then we work on the rest as a group."

"I'd love to hear it," she states as she moves in between his legs so she can lean against him.

"Look, you're- really hot but I really don't- I'm not interested, okay? I thought that was-"

"Not at all?" she whispers closer to him as her hands slide up his thighs and sure, he reacts; he's seventeen and can't help where the blood flows. "Feels like you are," she laughs quietly as she starts stroking him.

"Look," he says and grabs her wrist to still her hand. "That's always interested, but I'm not. So you should go. I'm waiting for my friend."

"Does your friend do this?" she wonders and he feels her mouth against his hungrily and he kisses her for a split second before pushing her away.

"You need to go," he sighs.

She looks angry but he doesn't care. He's made it clear that he's not interested and he doesn't want to be cruel, but he's just not attracted to her that way. Not now. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

"You won't get another chance," she threatens.

"And maybe one day I'll care about that, but today, I don't. Sorry."

She walks off angrily and he looks back up at the school to see Angela coming down the stairs quickly, looking happy.

He throws the cigarette on the ground and hops off his car.

"You look happy."

"I am," she says. "Not only did I get my homework done, but I think I have a chance of passing the test tomorrow. I don't know why my brain can't get geometry this year, but for some reason, it's just not happening for me."

"Perhaps it has to do with all the classes you missed in the beginning of the year?" he laughs.

"So I think I may need your help again in shop. We have to build a bridge and I volunteered to work alone this time so I didn't get stuck with someone horrible like last time."

"No problem. Just let me know what you need."

"Can we stop for ice cream?" she asks as she tucks her legs under her in the seat. "It's so nice out for a change, I don't wanna go home right now."

"Then you won't. Let's get ice cream and we can put the top down and just drive around or something. Oh, there's this place I like to go. I'll take you there."

A half hour later, he's parked at the train tracks and they're lounging on the hood of his car eating ice cream and throwing stones across the tracks.

"So… are you like… I saw you with Annie earlier."

"Yeah?"

"Are you like- seeing her or something? I mean not that I care. You can do what you wanna do, but- are you?"

He looks at her and the way the sun hits her hair and brings out the red that has faded a bit.

He eats another bite of ice cream and asks, "why?"

"Just- I mean she's like constantly touching you and- it just looked like… from where I was that you were pretty close, like… with her tongue in your mouth."

He watches as she fidgets a bit and looks anywhere but at him as she talks.

"Not that I care, I mean. Like- if you wanna be with a bimbo like her, whatever. It's your life, but it'd be the type of thing you'd tell a friend. If you were seeing her, that is. That's all. So, are you?"

She's got her head tilted toward him, as if she is looking at him, but she's not.

He grins slowly and says, "well if you don't care, what does it matter?"

"It doesn't," she says and throws the rest of her cone on the ground angrily as she jumps off the car. "Let's go. This is boring."

He just starts laughing a bit.

"What?" she asks, finally looking at him but he keeps laughing. "WHAT?!"

"But you don't care, right?"

"I don't," she insists but she's lying and they both know it.

"Admit you do care and I'll answer the question," he says as he pops the rest of the cone in his mouth.

She walks off, kicking stones harshly as she wraps her arms around herself. She goes about ten feet before turning around. "Okay, FINE! I admit it. I care, okay? Now will you fucking tell me?"

She stands there with her hands on her hips looking at him as he laughs a little more.

"TELL ME!" she whines, practically begging.

"No, okay?" he tells her. "No. She came over and was probably ready to strip naked in the parking lot, but I told her I wasn't interested and she should leave. She said that would be my last chance and I'm here with you, so what does that tell you?"

She stares at him for a few seconds before trying to walk back to the car casually but not being able to hide her happiness.

"That you really are dumb because she's really pretty," she says as she jumps back up on the car. "I mean… really pretty."

"Yeah, but she's blonde and I'm kinda into red heads right now," he laughs and kicks her leg with his. "So I should get you back, huh?"

"Yeah," she sighs. "Mom said we were planning a menu tonight."

"For what?" he asks as they hop over the back seat to slip into the front.

"My birthday dinner on Saturday. I have to figure out how to get her to reconsider so I can see you play."

"Birthday? It's your birthday?" He tries to act surprised at the news. "You didn't tell me that. How long were you gonna hide your birthday?"

"It's not a big deal," she says quickly. "It's just a birthday. It's like… what? You're supposed to celebrate this day that you just happened to be born because your parents had sex nine months beforehand? Just seems arbitrary."

"What's that? Arbitrary."

"Um… like random. And my birthday is- she wanted to do a huge party with my family but I begged her to leave it alone."

"Still, you have to do something special on your birthday."

"Well I'll get to see your band play," she says happily.

"Still… that's not special. I'll- we'll get ice cream after the show then."

"Sounds like a date," she grins. "And by that I mean plan, like a date to remember on the calendar as in my birth date, the date of my birth. And besides, Sharon and Rickie will be with me, so it'd be all of us anyway."

"Then we'll all go out for ice cream after."

"Okay then."

**76**

"Are those amps plugged in?"

"I have no fucking idea, why don't you check? I can only do one thing at a time," he says as he struggles to get the rented microphones hooked up right.

They only have an hour until people start showing up and Angela is due in two hours. He's a wreck about performing now. He's scared because they'll be doing his songs. Covers to him are fine because they are songs people already love, but he's terrified people will hate his music, HIS songs.

Rayanne is busy running around making sure all the decorations stay put. She and another girl that he's seen with Angela get all the chips out and he's shocked when he sees Tino's car pulling up.

"Tino!" Rayanne yells and goes running up to him and he watches as she jumps up onto him and wraps her legs around his waist. He pushes her up onto his car and Jordan goes on his way to his car to get his guitar.

"Catalano," he hears and stops. He turns to see Tino approaching him.

"Yeah?" he asks, bracing himself for another fight.

"We cool?"

"Are we?" Jordan asks, a bit confused.

"Yeah," he nods.

"Then okay."

_Well that was really easy and that's really good because we can just forget the whole fucking mistake that was me and Graff._

"Tino brought the beer," Rayanne smiles. "And a few other little things." She holds up the flask and starts to take a drink.

"Rayanne," he says and she looks at him. "You want- why not for her present tonight, you don't do that? Huh? Be there for your friend? For a change?"

He doesn't wait for a response; he simply walks away and they work on sound check as people start showing up and it's getting close to when she's expected.

The DJ is playing music and people are dancing and Rayanne squeals when she sees a car pulling up. "That's it! That's them!"

He and Graff walk across the lawn to the car as her and Rickie and that other girl and her boyfriend get out.

"Hey," Angela smiles. "Rayanne? What- are you doing here?"

"SURPRISE!" Rayanne screams.

"Huh?"

"C'mon." He watches Angela's friends pulling her up the path to the garage where there's a big sign that they made that says: Happy Birthday, Angela!

"What?" she gasps. "What- what is this?"

"Your surprise sweet and not so innocent birthday party!" Rayanne laughs.

"But… who are all these people?"

"We just invited everyone, but some have been forced to bring presents. There's a pile for you."

He takes a minute to see that she's wearing jeans and a tank top with a green flannel shirt over it and the green brings out her eyes.

"This is- this is crazy, you guys. I thought this was for the band."

"All fake," Rickie laughs.

"Okay, Catalano, get your asses up on stage and let's hear it!"

He leaves her with them and they get up on stage and take their places. His pulse is racing as the DJ turns the music off and he turns his mic on.

"Hey everyone! I'm- I'm Jordan. Catalano to most. We've got Shane back there on the drums and Tom and Matt on guitar and we are Gravity."

Some of the people scream a little.

"So- this party is sponsored by the lovely Angela Chase's Birthday. She's the one and only red head here that I've seen tonight, so if you see her, tell her happy birthday, even if you don't know her. So- you ready for some music?"

Some more people scream and he hears a few yelling, "CATALANO!"

"Yeah, so… here we are. It's Gravity. We've got a couple covers for you, but we're gonna make you suffer through a couple of my songs first. Here's A Brand New Name."

He stands back and the band starts and it's louder than he thought it would be but he catches the beat and his heart is racing but he finds his voice and starts up with the chorus.

//So I run, hide and tear myself up

Start again with a brand new name

And eyes that see into infinity//

He looks out and people seem to be not hating it, which is good.

//I will disappear

I told you once and I'll say it again

I want my message read clear

I'll show you the way, the way I'm going//

The crowd of maybe a hundred kids start moving along as he moves into the chorus again and he can't help but play along with it a bit, his voice getting a bit louder.

//So I run, and hide and tear myself up

Start again with a brand new name

And eyes that see into infinity//

He sees Angela and her friends moving up the lawn so they're in the front and he winks as he keeps singing, the need to vomit slowly disappearing.

//I was almost there

Just a moment away from becoming unclear

Ever get the feeling you're gone

I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up

I'll start again with a brand new name

And eyes that see into infinity//

People scream a little and are rocking with the drums and he sees Angela and her friends moving and dancing and it spurs him on.

//So I run, start again

With a brand new name

With a brand new name//

He's shocked how powerful it feels to have people moving to his music and enjoying it.

//I will disappear//

He finishes and everyone yells. "CATALANO! YOU ROCK!" Someone yells and he laughs.

"Thanks," he says quietly. "So… you want another?"

"YEAAAH!" some people scream.

"Okay then," he smiles and pulls his sweat shirt off so he's left in his tank top since he's a bit warm.

"TAKE IT OFF, CATALANO!" he hears a girl laugh in the back.

"You wish," he says into the microphone. "So the next one is called Beautiful Lie but before you can have that, everyone on the count of three is gonna yell 'Happy Birthday, Angela', okay? Let's try it. One. Two. Three."

"Happy birthday, Angela!" maybe have of them yell.

"Now that was pathetic," he says. "Come on. Let's go. One. Two. Three."

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANGELA!" They yell louder.

"Happy birthday," he says and points to the band as they start the next one.

**77**

By the fifth song, about a hundred and fifty are there, jumping along with them as they play. They do a couple covers as well that everyone sings along to and he's forgotten all about the nerves that he'd had.

He leads them on yelling happy birthday to her a few more times between songs and once during a song. He's into the music completely and finds himself jumping off the deck and jumping around with the crowd and it's not how he normally is, but he feels free.

He feels alive for the first time in his life.

"Okay- we've got one more original and then we need a fuckin' break. So… these- this started as an assignment for class, but I worked on it more. I was gonna sing it for someone very special to me one night, but then I left town and it didn't happen." He quickly glances at her out of the corner of his eye and sees her smile softly. He's sure she knows what night he's talking about and that she's the special person. "So if she's here and she probably is since… you're everyone I know, here's a song called Break Me Down."

He looks directly at her and says, "I hope you like it. Guys?"

It starts and he's once again completely nervous because it means so much to him, but he closes his eyes and tries to forget about anyone but her. He's singing for her.

//What if I wanted to break?

Laugh it all off in your face

What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor?

Couldn't take all this anymore

What would you do, do, do?//

He stares at her while he's singing because he can't take it anymore. He can't the fact that they're over when they're clearly not. He can't take the fact that they pretend they don't still like each other or would hate it if the other had someone else. He hates that he doesn't know if they could ever be together without hurting each other.

//Come break me down

Bury me, bury me

I am finished with you//

He sees everyone respond and start screaming and jumping around and it feels amazing. He feels a hundred feet tall even if it's just a bunch of kids from school.

He takes the mic down and walks around some of them as far as the chord will go.

//What if I wanted to fight

Beg for the rest of my life

What would you do?//

He heads toward Angela and sees her staring at him, her face unreadable. He walks straight for her.

//You say you wanted more

What are you waiting for?

I'm not running from you//

Then he jumps back up on the deck and runs around the guitars and cranks up the amps.

//Come break me down

Bury me, bury me

I am finished with you

Look in my eyes

You're killing me, killin' me

All I wanted was you//

He jumps up onto of the picnic table that's on the deck.

//I tried to be someone else

But nothing seemed to change

I know now, this is who I really am inside

Finally found myself

Fighting for a chance

I know now, this is who I really am//

He half screams half of it and jumps up onto the deck railing and counts as the band plays.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGELA!" they scream before the chorus comes back.

//Come break me down

Bury me, bury me

I am finished with you

Look in my eyes

You're killing me, killing me

All I wanted was you//

He looks back and sees Angela's not there anymore and he's worried.

_Where the hell did she go?!_

//Come, break me down

Break me down

Break me down

What if I wanted to break?

What if I, what if I, what if I//

Everyone is cheering as the music stops.

"Thanks. We're- we're Gravity."

He turns off his mic and jumps off the deck as the DJ starts blaring music again.

People are trying to talk to him and yell and he doesn't care.

_Where is she?_

**78**

"Catalano! That was hot!"

"Great job!"

"Fuckin' awesome!"

"You guys rock!"

"Whatever, GRAFF!" he yells and sees her on Tino's back dancing around. "GRAFF!"

"That was fucking amazing!" she squeals and jumps off Tino. "That was the shit!"

"Where is she?" he asks, worried.

"Who? Oh Angela? I don't know. Maybe she had to pee."

_Why would she leave in the middle of the song?_

He knows he has to find her. He has to find her because he's worried she really doesn't feel like him and had to leave so she wouldn't have to face him. Or he's worried that she thought he was saying he was done with her. Or- he knows there are just too many possibilities.

"Rickie!" he runs over to where he is. "Rickie, where is-"

"That was really amazing."

"Whatever, where's Angela?"

"I don't know- she was over there," he says and points to where she'd been with them.

"Yes, and then she left. Where is she? Did she leave? Is she okay?"

"I really don't know."

"Fuck!"

He heads toward the garage since he doesn't see her on the lawn

"Cherski! Where'd Angela go?" he asks her.

_One of her fucking friends should know where she is, right? Fuck._

"She- I don't know," she says. "She got up and like… left really quick. I couldn't see where she went. I'm sorry."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know. I've been looking for her too."

"Could she have left? Did anyone give her a ride?"

"I don't know, maybe? I mean… she'd go home if she got a ride, so-"

"So you keep looking here and I'll go to her house. I have to find her."

"God, you really do love her, don't you?" she says quietly and he just looks at her for a second before running for his car.

He pulls out his keys and he jumps over the hood to get to the driver's door because now other worries are there.

_What if some guy like… saw her alone and like- took her? What if that fucking Stan asshole saw an opportunity to like- get me back?_

He throws himself into the driver's seat and puts the key in the ignition when he hears a small sniffle from the back seat.

He spins his head quickly to see her slumped down against the seat.

"Shit, Angela, you fuckin' scared me for a few minutes there."

"Oh," she says quietly. "Sorry."

"What- are you okay?"

"Yeah, that- your songs are incredible, Jordan. You look so amazing up there too, like once you got into it. You looked like a real rock star does, jumping around like that."

"Thanks, but- what's wrong? You left and-"

"I would have liked to hear that song that night," she whispers as she gets up and climbs into the front seat with him.

"I- I was going to play that for you and give you a box of all the letters I tried to write you when Brain told me he wouldn't help me. They all sucked, but- I was going to tell you the truth and give you those and sing you the- sing you Break Me Down. But then-"

"Yeah. I know."

"But- did you like it? The song, I mean? It- since you inspired it. Did you like it?"

He's nervous to know what she thought and what she's thinking and if it changes anything for them.

"No," she whispers and his heart sinks for a moment as he looks away. But she lifts his chin and whispers, "I loved it."

_I've never really been speechless or breathless but I feel that way now- hearing her say those words in that way to ME about MY words._

"I loved it," she repeats, just as she did that morning.

"I meant it," he says. "This- this is who I really am."

"And who's that?" she asks, staring at his lips.

"A guy who's insanely into you," he answers before their mouths collide.

**79**

Her hand slides up from his chin into his hair as she pulls his mouth closer.

Kissing her makes time stand still for him and it feels as if nothing has changed since those first kisses in the boiler room and then it feels like everything has changed too.

She slides closer to him as he touches her face and runs his fingers through her hair and he hardly believes the scent of vanilla as it hits him.

Her tongue slides against his, licking it and tasting him and she tastes like fruit punch.

"Catalano!"

The sound makes them jump and pull away from each other right before someone opens the passenger door.

"Oh. Good- you found her!" Graff says. "I'll call off the search party and-" She laughs a bit. "And let you get back to whatever it is you were doing. Carry on."

He wonders if she wants to carry on but when she doesn't immediately do so, he waits.

"So… you like me?" she laughs and tucks her hair back as she lifts her head to look at him. "I mean, you said you like me."

"Shut up," he says as he kisses her cheek. "You know I do."

"So you promised me ice cream, remember?"

"Yeah, but after the party. We're supposed to do the set again later and they went to so much trouble to put this together, you should enjoy it."

"Well I would like to see you jumping around again. Those songs were really good, Jordan, really good. Like… profound or something."

"Yeah?" Her praise means so much to him.

"Yeah," she nods and pulls his mouth to hers again until they're embroiled in another heated kiss that's got him sliding his hand around her waist and pulling her closer, almost in his lap. He slides his hand up under the back of her shirt and the warmth of her spreads over his hand quickly, spreads over his entire body as she sucks on his bottom lip softly.

"Mmokay," he says, pulling his mouth away against his better judgment and desire. "We gotta- your party. C'mon."

_If she kept doing that, I would have done one of two things. I'd have either come in my pants or I would have- well okay. One option._

"You're right. They went to all this trouble, so I should at least be there."

"It was really Rayanne who organized the entire thing," he tells her. "Her idea- that's why her and I were in the boiler room the other day. Cherski and Rickie had been there but we left in shifts so it wasn't suspicious, but then it ended up being that way anyway."

"Oh, oh yeah. That's- this was really nice. I'm completely like- it's so nice but I mean- depressing that we have to bribe people to come my party with alcohol and a band."

_She still doesn't get that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that most of these people don't know her. But all her friends are here and that's what counts, doesn't it?_

"So what?" he shrugs. "They just wanted to take you some place for your birthday and then she informed us we'd be inviting the entire school and that we'd be playing."

"Well I'm glad," she says and looks down at her fingers.

"What do you wanna ramble about now?" he wonders as he reaches down and covers her hand with his so she can't stare at them.

"Just… wondering if we're like- together or like- friends."

"I told you we're always friends," he reminds her quickly.

"Okay, fine, but are we together type friends or Rickie and Sharon type friends?"

"Well that depends," he smirks as he leans over to kiss her throat softly.

"On?" he hears her whisper breathlessly.

"On if you wanna make out with Rickie or Sharon."

He drags his tongue up to trace her jawbone before dancing around her lips.

"Um… uh… no," she replies, barely.

"Then we must be together," he whispers against her lips before he traces them carefully with his tongue and he hears a soft moan escape her lips.

_If that's not the fucking sexiest sound I've ever heard, I don't know what is._

His lips kiss her chin before he peppers soft kisses down her throat to her collarbone. He kisses there softly, leaving a bit of wetness that his breath cools and warms all at once. Then his mouth trails down a bit further over the skin that the rounded neck tank top has left revealed.

He feels her breath beneath his lips, a bit ragged.

"CATALANO!" The fists on the door startle them both and she shrieks loudly and hides her face in his neck when Shane looks in through the window.

"WHAT?" he yells at whoever spoiled yet another perfect moment with her.

"The BAND! NOW!"

"Shit, I'm sorry," he tells her and she releases the fabric of his shirt that he didn't noticed she'd bunched in her fist. "If I wasn't like- the singer or the writer or a fourth of the band, we'd leave."

"No, it's- it's fine," she says and turns from him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she responds quietly.

_Did I push her too much or something? It wasn't hands though, it was just kissing. Shit I wanna do so much more than that with her and now if we're together again, I'll be frustrated again._

_Maybe I'll get some good songs from it._

**To Be Continued**

**Well? are you happy? though there's still a request for them to get. it. on.**


	17. Chapters 80 thru 84

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 80-84 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+

**RATING**: PG13

**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!

**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,

**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**-Break Me Down-**

**Ch. 80 thru 84 of 100**

**80**

They do another set of three covers and people really like them and it has them all standing around talking about entering some competitions.

"Or we could record them and sell the tapes! Everyone here would buy them, right? We sell 'em out of our cars?" Shane smiles.

"That's a good idea," Tom agrees. "But we need a studio."

"We can look into it and how much it costs, start saving up," Jordan says, allowing himself to get caught up in the excitement a bit but he keeps an eye on Angela the entire time.

She talks with her friends and they dance and eat. She opens a few of her presents from them as they do another set of three more covers and plan to end with their last set of the original songs.

_But that's in a half hour and in that time, we could be in my car making out. So I have to go find her. I need to kiss her again, even if it'll only be frustrating in the end._

He walks around the yard looking for her but doesn't see her and she's not in the garage either so he decides to try his car. She might have gotten tired or been waiting for him.

He approaches the car and sees one of the windows is open and he smiles before hearing voices from inside the car.

"So, Sharon, please!" Angela's voice pleads, but he has no idea why.

And he has no idea why he suddenly ducks quickly and then crouches closer. He stays hidden by the car and black top to listen.

"Just go with it, Angela. I know I gave advice before, but maybe it was bad advice."

"Sharon, you told me that afterwards, it's just expected and you made it seem like this whole huge terrible thing and now you and Kyle are still broken up but you're like- doing it constantly."

_Woah. Now I know what they're talking about and I should not listen in on this. I should stand up and let my presence known, but… I wanna know what she's thinking._

"Well, once I told him it was over, it got good. It's like… before, he would come over and just be attacking me, but now? It's on my terms, when I want."

"And you're totally using him, Sharon!" he hears Angela accuse.

"Well maybe, but I keep telling him we're not together. Still, when I call, he comes right over, so I don't know. He says he loves me but it's like- I'm sixteen, okay? Back off."

"Isn't that- supposed to be what girls want? Some guy to tell them 'I love you'?"

"Chase Face you're so… innocent sometimes, I can hardly believe you've ever been kissed, let alone by Jordan Catalano."

_Sometimes she does say really innocent shit like that. But her friends don't realize she has a lot more to her than that. They just don't see it because she hides it well._

"Shut up. I'm not so innocent, Sharon Cherksi."

"Please, Chase Face, if you've never been below the neck, you're innocent," he hears her laugh and he can just picture Angela sitting there nervously playing with her fingers.

"I've thought about it," he hears Angela whisper softly. "I mean… a lot, ya know? What it would be like and I'm just- way too introspective."

He knows he should feel guilty for listening but it's hard for him to care when he hears her admit that she thinks about having sex with him.

_At least I'm not the only one thinking about it constantly._

"You are. You'll think yourself silly and never experience anything. Look, he- maybe he doesn't say it out loud, maybe he won't, but it's obvious he's in love with you. Maybe he doesn't even know it yet."

_I know it. Maybe I can't tell her in so many words, but I know it, Cherski._

"But if you listen to Rayanne's philosophy of sex, you'll be scared of it forever. I told Kyle we were waiting until I was ready. One night I felt like I was and it was- it was nice, scary but also just kinda… my stomach was all in knots and I think I was more nervous about him seeing me naked than I was about the act itself."

"Oh god! Being naked in front of him? I don't even like looking at myself naked, Sharon!"

"Chase Face, you're doing it again. He won't care about that, trust me. No guy does when he's about to get sex, especially if he's seventeen. Kyle told me he could rub up against a tree and get hard, so what you look like doesn't matter."

"Please, Sharon! Jordan Catalano is probably the most gorgeous guy I'll ever see!"

"Yeah, so? He likes you. He doesn't care what he looks like. Or what you look like."

"Gee, thanks."

They're quiet for a few minutes and he thinks perhaps that's it so he starts to get up but then he hears, "Bottom line, Chase Face. If you're still wondering if you're ready, you're not ready, so you're worrying about something that won't happen for at least a while. I mean… once I told Kyle we were waiting, it kinda happened fast because we just- got closer and closer to it every time we were fooling around."

"But I feel all these things and it's like… he's not even touching me."

"So imagine how awesome it'll be when he actually is, Angela," he hears Cherski giggle. "Trust me on this, it can be soo… delicious, like… and you don't worry about what you look like or anything because it's just all happening. And then after, you realize you get to do it again."

He hears them both start laughing playfully and he jumps up quickly before they can get out and see him there.

"Angela?" he calls out, trying to make it seem like he's calling to see if she's there.

"Yeah," she answers and opens the door. "Hey, you all looked serious after the last song, so we came out here to get away from everyone for a bit."

"Well we've got one more set. We're playing the originals if you wanna hear them again. And then we have to break the equipment down."

"Oh, yeah, I don't know about you Chase Face, but I wanna listen to them again and I should go find Kyle and make sure he's good to drive us home after." He watches her run off and he offers Angela a hand in getting out of the car.

"So what did you get?" he asks, pressing her against the car gently. "I saw you opening stuff."

"Oh, some really stupid stuff, but… earrings that I'll never wear but Rayanne took them. A necklace that's pretty. A few cards. A stick of gum."

He leans closer into her so he can kiss her neck softly as she talks.

"Rickie got me a really cool shirt and- and… Sharon bought me some candles for my room."

He knows his lips are distracting her a bit but he doesn't care.

"Rayanne… she said I could take any two things from her closet and keep them, which is a pretty big deal for her."

"Sounds like a good birthday then," he says as he kisses her jaw right near her ear.

"It has been," she sighs, tilting her head to the side. He brushes her hair back from her neck so he can leave soft kisses on the delicate skin there. He nips at her gently and sucks on her neck too.

"Jordaannn," she sighs and her hands slide up his back and he imagines feeling that on his skin. He imagines her shirt on the floor as he pushes her back onto his bed and covers her neck with his lips.

He pulls away quickly, leaving her staring at him confused.

"Did I- do something wrong?"

"No, no," he shakes his head. "I just- we have the last set, so…"

_No, nothing wrong, just my imagination making me crazy. FUCK. I really need to chill out since I know it won't be happening any time soon, since I just heard it._

"Oh, right," she says and plays with her hair a bit. "Right. So…"

"So we should go."

**81**

The last set goes really well and it's nearly midnight when people really start leaving.

He's flying high from how much more people loved their songs the second time and as they break down the equipment, all they can talk about is how they need to find a way to record their stuff so they can sell it.

He'd always considered music as a hobby but the excitement makes him think it could be more than just a dream, more than a hobby.

They get everything back into Matt's garage where Angela and her friends are bagging up all the garbage and her gifts.

"That was fuckin' amazing, Catalano," Tino says to him as he gets up from where he's been sitting near Rayanne. "Guess it's good Frozen Embryos is done."

Jordan shrugs. "It was fun but they fought too much and we hardly practiced, so…"

"Angelika! Your birthday's over now!" Rayanne shouts as she spins around.

"I know, it's so sad, but you're that much closer to being a grown up!" Rickie laughs. "Scary."

"Okay, I'm not thirty," Angela whines as she finishes her soda.

_Even in that, she's completely innocent. I don't think she drank at all; her mom would be so happy with that._

"So Chase Face, Kyle can drop you off at home or I told your mom you might crash at my house, it's up to you," Cherski announces.

"Uh- I guess I-"

"I'll take you home," Jordan interjects. He's not about to let someone else take her home when he's finally allowed to kiss her again.

"Okay. You… promised me ice cream anyway."

"So I'll call you tomorrow," Cherski says and he stands by the garage door as she hugs everyone and he watches as her and Rayanne have a quick hug as well.

He carries his guitar and her presents to his car and she follows him closely.

"So where do we get ice cream after midnight?" she asks, climbing into the car next to him. "Is there a place?"

"I'm sure we'll find it."

He throws the car into drive and she slides close enough to him so he can put his arm around her shoulder. He looks down to where her head is resting on him. Her eyes are closed and her fingers are warm in his hand.

_Finally. She's right where she should be, with me._

"You sure you want ice cream? I can take you home; you look tired."

"No, I'm not. Just… resting. Not at all tired. See?" she says as she lifts her head and opens her eyes. "Awake. Just resting."

She sighs and lays her head back down as he drives to a gas station.

"Might not be cones, but… here." He hands her a twenty. "You wanna pay for gas and then buy whatever you want."

She runs in and returns a few minutes later with a bag of goodies.

She gets in and pulls her legs up on the seat as she opens the bag and he drives. "So where do you wanna go? Do you have to be home? It's late."

"Well if Sharon told Mom that I'd be at her house, I guess no? I mean… you could probably drop me at Sharon's house later and I'll sneak in through her window."

"Okay, then where do you wanna go?"

"Train tracks?"

He nods and heads in that direction. He grabs the ice cream sandwich from her hand and steals a huge bite.

"Hey, that was mine!"

"So? I got it for you, so you should let me have some. It's only polite and you are a sweet and innocent person."

"Why does everyone say that?!" she half-whines and half-yells.

"Because you are! It's not something to hate about yourself, Angela, you just are. It's why people like you; you always think the best of them."

"Because I'm dumb and innocent? I- I- I skipped classes to make out in the boiler room! That's not innocent! And I- skipped school one day too- completely. I died my hair red! I got suspended for a day for distributing the Lit!"

He looks over at her and raises an eyebrow.

"What?" she asks defensively.

"Okay, the boiler room is not just for kissing. Skipping school? Everyone does that. Dying your hair red is innocent. More shock value would have been a piercing. And getting suspended for giving out a school newspaper is not- it's all very innocent."

"I-" she starts to protest and then closes her mouth quickly.

She's quiet for a few minutes and he parks in front of the tracks and pulls out a candy bar from the bag.

"Well I was gonna sleep with Corey to get back at you and Rayanne," she mumbles.

"But you didn't," he says as he tries to control the jealousy that races through him.

"You're right," she sighs. "I may as well wear a halo and call myself Mother Teresa. I can't believe this. Here my parents think I'm this completely unruly child and I'm probably more innocent than Danielle at this point. God!"

He can tell it bothers her for some reason and he wonders why. She looks upset and he hadn't wanted to do that on her birthday so he leans over and kisses her softly.

"Has it occurred to you that maybe it's your sweetness that makes all your friends care so much? That it's why we like you? I mean… think about it."

"Yeah," she says quietly. "I guess. It's just- why am I like this?"

"Like what?" he asks as he pulls her closer to him.

"I don't know," she shrugs and pulls away from him. She opens the door and gets out.

He sits for a minute as she just stands there with the door open, leaning on it. He gets the top down and she still just stands there staring out at the darkness.

He walks up next to her and wraps his arms around her. He starts kissing her neck slowly, pulling her hair away to expose her pale skin.

"Innocent girls don't stand near train tracks with a guy at one in the morning," he whispers and sucks on her skin a little. "And they don't have a guy doing this either."

He's trying to make it better for her, but he knows it's probably not helping.

"Sure they do," she whispers. "If they weren't so innocent, they'd be able to do what they wanna do at one in the morning instead of being- me."

She pulls away from him and walks over to the tracks. He watches as she tries to walk on one of them while balancing herself with her arms. The car headlights show her outline and the flash of red hair.

"I mean- you were right," she says as he approaches the tracks. "You said I seem younger and I do. I freak out about driving, I freak out about-" she pauses. "Everything."

He has to be careful not to reveal that he heard her and Cherski earlier because he knows exactly what she's talking about.

"I told you that you had to practice, the driving. And you got better the second time. But if you stay away from it completely, you'll never be comfortable with it."

"I bet Annie's comfortable with it," she laughs. "With driving, I mean. And I bet Rayanne and Sharon are excellent- drivers."

"It doesn't matter if you're not ready to- to drive," he says, staying with her way of talking around it. "Eventually you will be and it has nothing to do with you being sweet or innocent. If you murdered someone, you'd probably still look innocent in your mug shot."

"That's comforting," she says as she crosses her arms and comes to a halt in front of him.

"It's your parents' fault for giving you such an innocent face," he smirks as he touches her cheek softly. "You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I wanna-" she stops and looks away but he lifts her chin to look at him. "I think about it all the time, Jordan, being with you… to- drive. I wanna be able to but-"

He places his mouth on hers and kisses her deeply for a minute before he hears the rumblings of a train in the distance.

"Here, this will make you feel better," he says. "Just gotta wait for it."

"Wait for what?"

"For why I like to come here," he tells her and holds her hand a few feet from the tracks.

"Jordan, a train's coming."

"Yeah, so?"

"So we're standing like… two feet from the tracks."

"So?" he asks and the light from the train hits the dark ground as it approaches quickly.

"So what are we doing here?"

"You'll see," he says and kisses her cheek. He holds her hand and she jumps in surprise as the first car flies by and the ground shakes. He looks at her face and she looks exhilarated, which is why he loves this.

He pulls her up closer and she's hesitant but follows. Then he starts screaming and looks back at her and she's just staring. He pulls her against him and kisses her until he can't stand it and she looks dazed and frustrated and she turns to the train and starts screaming with him.

After a few minutes, it's gone and she's just laughing as they stumble back to his car.

"See? Don't you feel better?"

"Yes!" she screams as she runs and leaps up onto his hood. "I do!"

**82**

"You really were right. I do feel much better," she says once again as she picks some M&M's up off the hood of the car.

"There's something about being able to scream so loud and have no one hear you that makes the bad things seem less bad."

"How did you discover this?" she asks and throws a candy as him.

"Don't waste them," he scolds her.

She's sitting Indian style facing him on the hood and he's got one leg hanging off the back and one leg bent so he's facing her as well. They've been alternating between kissing and eating candy for the last hour and talking about her party in between.

"I figured that out when I was ten, after my mom died. I ran out of the house and jumped on my bike and just rode and found my way here. So this is just where I come if I wanna think or scream."

She just nods and throws another candy at him before pulling on his hand to bring their lips together and she tastes like chocolate this time.

_See? Anyone else? I'd say that to and they'd either not give a shit or be fuckin' annoying and asking questions like why I left. But not her. She just gets me. She understands._

_Her kisses are confusing tonight because some are really hesitant and then others are so hungry, I force myself to pull away since I know she's not ready for anything._

A few minutes later, he finds himself at the point where he has to pull away, so he does and they resume eating candy.

"So… I think Rayanne actually… like she seemed sober at the end there, didn't she?"

"I hope so," he replies. "I told her to."

"What? Why?"

"Well Tino gets there and I thought it would be something but he said we're cool, so that's good. And then she pulls out her flask and I told her if she really wanted to give you a birthday to remember, she'd fuckin' stay off that shit so she can remember your party tomorrow."

She just stares at him in admiration and gratefulness for a minute. He loves that look from her because it's something he's never gotten from anyone else.

"So how often do you find yourself screaming at trains?"

"Dunno, depends. Not a lot lately since I left the house."

"Has your dad like… contacted you or anything?"

"Not that I know of unless he talked to my uncle or something but he probably doesn't give a shit as long as he doesn't have to bother with me."

He stares out at the darkness and bites his nail.

"Would your uncle tell you if he had been asking for you?"

"Hard to say," he shrugs and fidgets with the edge of his shirt as he talks. "He and the old man don't really see eye to eye. From what the old man always said was that a few months after he married my mother, she and my uncle had an affair. They stayed married, but my uncle said that's when he really started bein' such a bastard. I was born a couple years later and… who knows? Ancient history."

"So he just took all his anger out on you, basically."

"I guess."

"So you're close with your uncle?"

"Don't know how I feel about him really. He always gives me money if I need it but… he also knew the old man was a prick and he never stepped in to help my mother or me."

_I can't believe I'm talking about this. I haven't ever talked to anyone about this. Not Shane. Not anyone. No one. But it's nice. I know I can trust her to just take the information for herself and let it be._

"Didn't anyone ever notice?" she asks and slides a bit closer to where he's sitting. "Like… at school? A nurse or teacher? If you'd have bruises or whatever?"

"They were never anywhere really noticeable and I liked to go unnoticed anyway. And what am I gonna do now? Be pissed that no one ever 'saved me' or whatever?"

_Well that's not true because it's like… she's saving me now. Without her I wouldn't be learning how to read. Without her, I might not have had the courage to leave the house._

"I coulda said somethin' to someone; I didn't. Someone coulda noticed; they didn't. I'm outta there now so it doesn't matter."

_And it really doesn't. That's the thing- as soon as someone finds out about someone's tragic past, it's like it's happening again. It's the past for me but new to her._

_But it doesn't matter. Maybe in a sick way, it helped. It made me tough, made it so I could walk away from this place and not care, made it so I know what kinda man and father I'll be if I have kids, gave me shit to write about in my songs… I don't know._

"But it does matter," she insists and touches his leg as she looks at him. "It does. I mean look at you! All the teachers at school say they care about you and my parents are always saying that we're in a good school, but- they didn't notice your dad was hitting you and they never bothered to get to know you enough to see that you needed help? What kind of teachers have a kid for a few years and never notice that he can't read well? That's- that's crap. It's like- how I am supposed to believe anything they tell me?"

"Because you do," he states. "Because you're young and innocent and you want to believe what everyone tells you. You wanna see the best, everyone does."

"I am not innocent!" she insists angrily and shoves him so hard that he falls backwards into the back seat. "Oh god, I'm sorry! Are you okay?" she asks as she scrambles to kneel on the hood so she's looking down into the seat where he landed. "Jordan?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Gimme a hand," he says and puts his hand up for her to take. As soon as she's taken his hand, he yanks her down into the back seat with him.

"Jordan!" she screams as she lands on top of him and he laughs.

"Well next time don't push me," he tells her and moves the hair from in front of her face.

"Well shoving you like that wasn't innocent, was it?" she grins.

"So now that you've gotten me where you want me, what are you gonna do with me?" he teases.

"This," she smiles and presses her mouth to his. He feels her body draped over his, pressed against him. He's able to slide his arms around her and hold her closer. Her tongue is everywhere in his mouth and he shifts one of his legs so she's between them and he knows it's quickly going to be in a place she can't handle.

Her mouth moves to his neck and she's sucking on his throat, over his Adam's Apple and her mouth mirrors how he's licked and nipped at her neck.

_See? She pays attention. Wonder if she's paying much attention to what she's doing to my dick._

He slides his hands up under her tank top and back down her back. He slips one hand inside her jeans to cup her ass and pull her closer to him. He's happy when she doesn't freak out, so he just leaves his hand in her jeans, touching her. Her skin is hot against his hand and he imagines other parts of her that would be even hotter to the touch.

She's kissing all over his neck and pulls his tank top down a bit so she can kiss his chest a little too and he wonders how far she might go, since she seems to be more relaxed than she's been before.

Then her mouth is back on him and is more intense, hungry. He's happy to kiss her back so passionately. He moves his hands so one rests on the small of her back under her shirt and the other slides up her side until he feels the fabric of her bra. He feels no hesitation in her tongue so he gets his hands on her back and unhooks her bra with no protest.

Once it's undone, he keeps one hand there and the other slides in front of her now to touch her chest. She's so soft under his hand as he gropes her and he hears a small moan escape into his mouth.

Then he feels her fingers under his shirt, dancing over his stomach and sides.

_Fuck. Okay. Shit._

He's not sure if they've passed the point where something will have to happen because he can't think clearly. He knows no girl has ever made him feel so close to exploding from doing so little.

He shifts his legs just a bit more so she's pressed up against him perfectly to feel amazingly good but torturous too. Then she shifts as well and he yanks his mouth away from hers because he has to breathe. He has to get some kind of control back and he doesn't know if he can.

Her hips move again and it's almost like she's purposefully rubbing against him.

"Stop," he whispers. "Stop."

"What?" she asks, breathing hard into his neck.

"Unless…" he struggles for the words. "Unless you want… contact… we have to stop."

"Contact?" she asks for a second and then says, "oh, right. I-"

"It's fine, Angela. We just need to stop before I can't get my mind back."

She pushes up off him so she's kneeling between his legs and he pulls himself up so he's leaning back against the wall of the car. He looks at her and her entire face is flushed and she looks-

"You're so beautiful," he tells her.

He watches as a smile spreads over her entire face, her entire expression changing.

"Innocent?" she asks with a smirk.

"Maybe a little less now," he says and tries to think about anything else beside her. He needs to calm down and get his brain in control again.

**83**

"A little less? I guess I'll take that," she says quietly as she rests back on her ankles.

He just nods and looks down, thinking of rebuilding engines and boring oil changes and anything else but her, everything else but her.

After a couple minutes, she shifts and he looks up to see her pulling her bra out of her shirt. "I'll never get that back the way it was, so…"

"That's not helping me," he warns her. Then she throws it at him and it hits his face and smells deeply of vanilla. He groans as he moves it off his face. "What the hell do you use that smells so damn good?"

"Huh? Oh- lotion. It's like… warm vanilla or something."

_Warm vanilla. That's what she smells like: warm vanilla._

_From now on, Angela is warm vanilla._

The fabric of her bra in his hands is still warm from being on her skin and it doesn't help to think other thoughts.

"Can I do anything?" she asks and touches his knee but he jerks away.

"Yes, but you're not ready to, so just don't touch me."

"Oh, sorry. I-"

"It's fine, Angela, really. It just takes a couple minutes for me to tame the beast," he laughs a bit.

"I'm sorry," she says. "Maybe I shouldn't have-"

"I'm seventeen; it really doesn't take much."

_I don't want her feeling guilty for this; that's part of what I did wrong the last time and why it took us so long to get back here, together. I pushed and then made fun of her for not being able to have sex with me. I won't do that again; she means too much now._

She sits back and crosses her legs in front of her as he pulls himself up more.

"I think if I eat any more candy, I'll vomit," she laughs a bit and clutches her stomach. "I still can't get over how amazing you guys sound. Your songs are incredible."

"That was really cool. Like… watching people get into my music was… crazy. The guys were talking about recording them in a studio and selling the tapes to kids at school."

"I bet everyone would buy one. If you did that, you could also send them to radio stations and see if anyone would play you on air."

_See? She's just… uncommon, for sure._

_No girl would be like that, I don't think._

"That would be- I always thought music would just be some stupid dream, but… maybe it's worth pursuing for a while."

"You should, Jordan. Your songs are just… incredible, trust me," she tells him as she tucks her hair behind her ears.

"You always do that," he says and slides a bit closer to her to touch that piece of tucked hair.

"Habit I guess, like you biting your thumb."

He laughs because he'd never thought someone would notice that.

"Is it safe to kiss you?" she asks before leaning forward to kiss him softly. 'This night… it's been… the best night of my life so far, Jordan."

"Oh, I forgot! Your present."

"You… got me a present?"

"Of course. I couldn't- I didn't know what to buy you, so…"

He pulls out a folded piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to her. He watches as she opens it. He wrote down the lyrics to Break Me Down and drew around it, drawings of her and things like vanilla and lollipops and candy bars and the fence from the boiler room.

"Oh my god, Jordan, this is… beautiful."

"Well… I hoped you'd like it."

"I love it," she whispers as she stares at it and her fingers run over the drawings. "I'm- wow. I'm putting this in my locker for sure."

"I'm glad," he says quietly. He'd been worried about it but he knew how much he liked the bracelet that she made, so he figured she'd like something handmade best.

"What time is it?" she wonders vaguely as she stares at the piece of paper.

He leans up to turn the car radio on. "Three."

"Oh my god, it's three in the morning? I don't think I've ever been up this late."

He just laughs as he rests his head against the seat. "You've never just stayed up watching television or something?"

"Not that I can remember. God, I'm pathetic. I'm a sad excuse for a sixteen year old, aren't I?" she asks, embarrassed as she looks down at her fingers.

"No. I just fear I'm a bad influence on you."

She looks up at him and smirks at him. "Well I like your influence on me."

"Well that's good since I don't plan on leaving you alone right now."

She slides closer to him and rests her head on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her against him.

"Jordan?" she asks after several minutes of pleasant silence.

"Yeah?" he asks, kissing the top of her head as her fingers start playing with his bracelet.

"What… what would that-" She stops herself and he wonders if she'll continue since she's silent for another minute. He just kisses her head as he waits on her silence and plays with a chunk of her hair.

"That- contact. That- that you mentioned earlier? What would it be? Exactly?"

_She's curious and she's actually going to talk to me, which she didn't do before. This is very good but what exactly would it be? I have no idea._

"Could be a lot," he shrugs gently, trying not to make it seem like a huge deal. "Why?"

"I mean I'm not stupid. I know stuff, like… I'm not some dumb kid or anything. But I just… maybe it- I mean it just seems like maybe there like… should be some. Contact or whatever. Like… seems like sometimes there should be. But not like CONtact. I don't think I'm ready for that or- I don't know. Don't- I'm rambling. I need to shut up now," she says before lifting her face and kissing him to force herself into silence.

He gives in to her request of silence for a minute before pulling away.

"If you want some contact, Angela, we can-"

"Let's- this is so fucking embarrassing," she says and turns away from him.

"Well if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't do it," he tells her a bit frustrated. "You brought it up, so obviously it's on your mind."

"Of course it's on my mind. It's been on my mind since you said the words 'boiler room' to me. Of course it's on my mind. Boys don't have the monopoly on thinking about it, okay?"

"Okay, well it's on your mind then."

He can see it obviously is on her mind and bothering her a lot, enough to make her so nervous.

"Well you should know I'm not- yes, I absolutely wanna have sex with you, Angela, obviously, but I won't push like I did before. I- that was wrong. I wasn't listening to you or you weren't talking to me, either way, I don't wanna lose you again, so, I'll wait."

_Not that I want to but it's the only way I can have her. I went and fucking fell for her and now I have to wait for her. I either wait or don't have her at all and that's not acceptable._

"Thank you," she says, looking in his eyes for the first time. "That- I really… I needed to hear that."

"I don't wanna wait seven years or anything, but-"

"I know," she laughs slightly. "So… the contact?" she asks, her eyes piercing his suddenly, as if hearing that gave her some confidence to talk to him.

"Can be a lot, whatever you want. We could keep it above the waist for now or whatever, hands, mouths… you have to think about what you want, Angela. It's like… if I know the rules, I'll figure out how to deal with them. Okay?"

"Yeah," she nods and he kisses her softly. "I was fine with everything tonight, just… fyi."

"That's good to know," he smiles. "So… should I take you home or something?"

"Noo," she whines gently. "I don't wanna. I like it here."

"You- could stay at my place, if you wanted." She looks at him with that look of disbelief. "No, not for that, unless you wanted. But I'm just saying, my bed is nice. I could take the couch and drive you to Sharon's or whatever in the morning."

"Are you sure?"

"You're the birthday girl," he shrugs.

_Not that I won't be torturing myself to have her in my bed and not be with her, but… it'd be nice to have her there in the morning._

**84**

They arrive at his apartment and as soon as the door opens, he suddenly realizes how tired he is and how late it is, nearly four in the morning.

"I could seriously fall on the floor and sleep," she sighs sleepily. He knows she was falling asleep in the car while trying to stay away.

"Well the bed isn't that far," he tells her and stands closely behind her. He wraps his arms around her waist and walks her into the bedroom as she leans back against him.

"See?"

"I do," she says and takes one step more and falls face first on the bed.

"Well that looks comfortable," he laughs gently. "At least flip over so I know you won't suffocate tonight?"

He watches as she turns slightly and pushes herself up on the bed more. She tries to kick her shoes off but is too tired to do it, so he sits on the edge of the bed and pulls them off for her.

"Thank you," she whispers and he feels her hand on his arm, tugging on him. "Kiss me goodnight."

_She wants to kill me here. First she lays on my bed looking sleepy and beautiful and now? She wants me to fucking kiss her? I need to get up and go out to the couch so I am not torturing myself._

Of course he doesn't leave. Instead, he pushes himself up so he's lying beside her. He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear and touches her cheek softly. Their mouths seem to find each other in a tenderly soft yet very intimate kiss.

"Goodnight, Angela," he whispers and starts to pull away but she holds his arm.

"Sleep here," she says and slides closer to him. She slips her hand around his waist and rests her head against him. "Night."

"Yeah, night," he replies.

_Great! So now not only do I have to sleep with the thought that she's in my bed, but now I have to sleep with her next to me and her arms around me and her hair right here and her smelling like warm vanilla?!_

_This sucks. But… in a really good way._

Sleep comes quicker than he thinks and when he next opens his eyes, the light is streaming in through the cracks in the blinds and he's staring at a sleeping Angela. Her face is calm and her hair is messed now from sleep but still pretty.

He glances at the clock and sees it's nearly ten and he wonders if she'll get in trouble or if Cherski has covered for her somehow.

"Angela," he says as he gets up slowly. He doesn't want to wake her but he doesn't want her in trouble and not being able to see him either. "Angela, wake up."

He pulls his sneakers on and runs to the bathroom to brush his teeth and pee and will have to save shaving for later.

"Angela! Wake up!"

"Mmm, five minutes," she whispers as she rolls over and he's about to say something else to her when she sits up quickly. "Oh my god! I slept here all night?"

"Yes, that was the plan. Now we have to get you over to Cherski's, I guess."

He watches as she jumps on and starts ranting as she gets her sneakers on.

"Shit, if my mom finds out I wasn't there? I'm like… done, toast. I can kiss my social life, such as it is, goodbye. Not that I really have much of one, but still… if she knew I was here? She'd never let me say your name again, let alone see you! I mean, GOD, what was I thinking? What was I even-"

He presses her lips to hers for a soft interrupting kiss.

"Stop. Focus. Your sneakers are on, let's go. I'll drive you over there. You said you could sneak in and they wouldn't know?"

"Maybe I should like… tell my mom I was at Rayanne's instead. Like go over there and have her pick me up, tell her we like… were patching things up after the party or whatever. She's friends with Sharon's mom so she could find out and-"

"OKAY!" he says quickly. "Okay!"

"Right. Okay," she nods. "I- I should call Rayanne and make sure that's okay and then call my mom and tell her to get me at like… noon or something?"

"Well I have to be at the garage soon for work, so…"

_As much as I really hate to the leave. Last night was one of the most amazing things ever, just being close to her like we were was incredible, even without sex._

_It's like this girl has changed my entire life without even knowing it._

"Okay, well… let's just go over there now. I'm sure Rayanne won't mind at all."

"But will you be okay at her house?" he wonders. He knows they've been hanging out a bit more and that she wants to forgive Rayanne now, but he wonders if leaving her at Graff's place is a good idea. He doesn't want things screwed up for them, for him and her.

"Yeah, I-" she pauses to think for a second and then nods. "Yeah. I think so."

"Let's go then."

She takes his hand and they walk out into the nice spring morning. He watches as she spins around once on her way to the passenger side.

"That was the best birthday in my whole life," she sighs. "The party and your band and my present! And last night, just… hanging out with you, it was all perfect."

"I'm glad you had a good birthday then."

"And the best part is this," she says, sliding her hand inside his. "Us like… being like… friends."

"Being together," he clarifies. "Friends that are together."

"Yeah?" she smiles softly. "Like… a couple?"

"Yeah," he nods.

She rests her head on his shoulder as he makes his way to Rayanne's. He was only there once before for a huge party but when he was there, Angela wasn't, so he left. But he still remembers where it was.

"I can bring your presents by after work, to your house, if you want."

"Sure, that'd be nice. So… like… when I get home or whatever, should I tell my parents that like… my boyfriend is coming? Over to the house?"

He's watching as she fidgets with her fingers and steals a glance at him before tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I guess you could say that," he whispers and kisses her neck softly and then her cheek and then her lips. "So you should go. I have to go."

"Yeah," she sighs. "But… I'll see you later."

"Later," he nods and he watches her get out and run up to the door. Once she's inside, he heads for the garage.

_I can't believe that she slept in my bed last night and now? It'll smell like vanilla._

**To Be Continued**

**There will be another post late tonight as I'm going on vacation tomorrow and won't be able to post until late Saturday night- sorry!**


	18. Chapters 85 thru 89

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 85-89 / 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+  
**RATING**: NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

_I have to stop and chill out for a few minutes or I will throw her down on this seat and just take what I want and that's not good._

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 85 thru 89 of 100**

**85**

_Would someone tell me what the hell I'm doing here?_

_Or explain how it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do now?_

He knocks on the door, still thinking about how absurd it is that he's doing something so normal, or abnormal for him. But as strange as it is, it feels almost natural now to him.

"Jordan," her mom smiles as she opens the door.

"Hi, is… she here? I have her presents, from the party."

"Mom?" he hears her calling as she runs down the stairs. "Hey! I was wondering when you'd get here," she smiles and kisses his cheek softly but he wants more, as always.

"Yeah, the garage was busy, so… I brought up the stuff." He picks up the box with her gifts off the porch. "So…"

"Jordan, would you like to stay for dinner?" her mom asks.

"Oh, I-" He looks at Angela, not sure if she'd want him to.

"Yes," she answers for him. "Of course he'll stay, if he wants."

"Sure," he shrugs. "Thanks. But… I didn't bring milk."

Her mom laughs. "I have plenty. I'll go let Graham know to set an extra plate."

"Here, Jordan, you can carry that up to my room," Angela says and tugs on his arm to lead him upstairs.

"Hold it, young lady," her mother says sternly.

"What? He's not allowed in my room? Do you really think we'd do anything in my room with you two down here?"

_Why would she even put it in her mother's mind that we COULD do something?! Is she crazy?_

"Don't get fresh, Angela. Just- five minutes and leave the door open."

"Fine," Angela sighs angrily. "C'mon, Jordan."

He follows her up the stairs into her room. "Don't start arguments with her over me, Ang. Or else we won't be able to go anywhere."

"I know, but it's like, come on… she thinks what? We'd like have a quickie in the bathroom?"

"Well you said you wanted to-"

"Who are you?" a voice from the door asks. He turns to see a young girl, a few years older than Katie standing. He assumes it to be her sister.

"Danielle, get out of here," Angela says and shoves the girl out the door.

"You're not allowed to have boys in your room!" she whines.

"Well I'm not allowed to have pets in here either, so you need to leave."

Angela slams the door shut and turns back to him.

"I missed you," she says and rushes to him so she can wrap her arms around him and press her mouth to his. Her tongue is in his mouth quickly and he sighs as he tastes lollipops again. He kisses and then sucks on her bottom lip and feels her fingers in his hair.

"I guess so," he whispers as he kisses her again, his hands sliding up the back of her shirt to feel her warmth. His hand seems to fit perfectly in the small of her back, perfectly enough to press her against him a little.

Any amount of touching now affects him, even more than it did, since he knows they will eventually have sex. He has no idea how long it will take but knowing that at any moment, it could potentially happen? It drives him crazier.

"Stop," he says and pulls away quickly.

"Sorry," she whispers as she moves away from him.

"Don't apologize. Just- dinner with your parents. I'd like at least some blood left in my brain."

The sentence must have been funnier than he thought because she starts laughing.

"What?" he asks as he leans against her dresser.

"Nothing," she giggles and covers her face and turns away from him.

"Now you really have to tell me because you're turning red," he insists as he grabs her from behind and startles her.

"Jordan!" she squeals a little.

"C'mon, you have to tell me," he says and wonders for a second if what worked on Katie would work on her. He figures he'll try it and starts tickling her.

"Stooop!" she squeals again and tries to fight her way out of his grip. They end up tripping and landing on her bed, her trapped beneath him. "Stop! Please! Truce!"

He stops tickling her and kisses her instead, softly.

"Tell me what was so funny then and I won't have to tickle you again," he tells her seriously, staring into her eyes as they still shimmer with laughter.

"Okay, fine. Let me up."

"Nope. Tell me."

"Jordan," she complains as she turns away from him. "Just… what you said, it's funny, like… I know the physiology of it, like… the human body. I know how it all works, it's just… hearing you say that was just funny for some reason. Okay? Now let me up."

"You find the fact that I have a dick funny?" he asks and watches how she blushes again and it makes him laugh this time.

"What?" she asks, staring up at him. "Now it's your turn to talk."

Without warning, he finds himself flipped over with her straddling his hips.

"Now tell me or I'll tickle you and see how you like it!"

_How am I even thinking still right now?! I have no idea. She's on top of me. She's on TOP of me. Let me say that again: she's ON TOP of me. She's resting against my dick right now. If I shifted just a bit, we'd be rubbing against each other._

"It's just… it's funny that you blush so much."

"ANGELA! DINNER!" they hear her mother yell from downstairs.

He sighs as she gets off him and stands up. He sits up and stares at her for a second.

"What now?" she wonders.

"I do have one," he says.

"I know!" she says quickly, offended that he'd say it like that, like she wouldn't know already.

"Well then why is that funny? Or why does it make you blush?"

"Because it just… does. I don't know," she shrugs. "You just talk about it so casually, like… like it's just there, like… I don't know!"

She pushes his chest as he stands up and starts walking to the door but he catches her hand and pulls her back to him.

"Well it is," he says. "It's been there since I was born, so… how should I talk about it?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "It's just… I've never had to talk about this stuff with a guy before. It's just… weird."

"ANGELA! DINNER!" they hear a bit louder.

"We better-" She points to the door and he nods.

_Girls are so weird._

**86**

"So how often do you practice?" her dad asks him as they finish up dinner.

"Oh, um… an hour a night, as long as I'm free from work and like a few hours each day on the weekends. We'll probably do more when we can though."

"Especially since they were so amazing at my party last night," Angela smiles and the whole dinner has seemed strange to him because her parents genuinely seem to like him, which he can't understand. He figured they'd automatically hate him, especially since all they know about him and her and Rayanne, but… they are really nice to him.

"Yeah, it's all Angela talked about," Danielle rolls her eyes. "So if you're in a band, that means you're supposed to be cool or something?"

"I guess," he shrugs, not sure what she's really saying or where she's going with her point.

"Well you can only play like… one instrument. Brian Krakow can play more, probably better than you."

"Danielle!" Angela yells. "Mom, would you send her away or something? That's so completely rude."

"Well just because he can play a guitar doesn't make him cool, Angela," she insists and he just laughs a little bit.

_What is it with Brain and this family?_

"Danielle, you are being rude. Jordan is our guest and you should be nice to him. Angela's always nice to your friends when they're here."

"No she's not! She shoved us in the closet!"

"That was one time!" Angela says quickly and he finds it very amusing since he's never really witnessed anything like it. "That was once and you two totally deserved it! You were cutting up my books!"

"You weren't reading them!"

"So? That doesn't give you permission to just cut them up, Danielle. So you and that little terror deserved it!"

"For two hours?! It was hot in there!"

He can't help but laugh to himself since he can just picture Angela shoving two little kids into her closet and leaving them there.

"Girls!" her dad says. "Is this necessary? We expected this later, not now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Angela asks.

"Just- we didn't expect this fighting until Danielle was a teenager and we were hoping you'd be out of the house then so we could avoid it completely," he explains.

"Graham!" her mom shouts and he laughs more.

"Look, this is really fun and everything, but can we go?" Angela asks suddenly. "I mean it is Sunday, but there's no school tomorrow."

"It's still Sunday," her mom says.

"Mom! It's- there's no school tomorrow! Can't I go out tonight? You said I could date and this is me dating."

"You did say that, Patty," her dad says and he's completely fascinated by watching them talk to each other.

_If I'd grown up in something like this? My whole life would have been different._

"Ten o'clock. And not a minute later, Angela. Ten o'clock and you're in the door, not out in the driveway or on the porch."

"Okay," she says and pushes away from the table quickly.

"Thank you for dinner," he says as he finishes the last half glass of his milk. "It was really good."

"Any time, Jordan," her mom smiles.

"C'mon," Angela says and grabs his arm to pull him outside.

"Why the big rush?" he wonders as he lets her drag him to his car.

"I'd just rather be alone, or not, whatever. Just out of that house since Danielle has decided she's going to be a pain in the ass. I mean how rude was that? She's so-"

"Eleven?" he laughs.

"YES," she sighs. "So… we have some time. It's only six thirty now."

They get in his car and she slides closer to him. He puts his arm around her shoulder and holds her against him as he starts driving.

"I can't believe you locked your baby sister in a closet!" he laughs.

"She had a friend, okay?" she says quickly. "She wasn't alone and it was only a couple hours. I just couldn't deal with them."

"Okay, that's fine," he laughs. "It's just… funny."

"I'm just a laugh riot tonight, aren't I?"

"So what happened this morning? Did they notice?"

"No. I hung out with Rayanne for a couple hours and called my mom to get me and it was fine. She didn't seem mad or anything."

"And how was it with Rayanne?" he wonders, hoping she's able to move past everything.

"It was… okay, actually. We just kinda… talked. I picked out my clothes for my birthday. Then we just watched a movie and ate candy. I think that's her new addiction, that or Tino, I'm not sure. She talked about him like- constantly."

"Well… they've sort of been like… this weird off and on thing for a while, so… maybe it's a little more on now?"

"Maybe," she shrugs. "Either way, as long as she's not drinking so much, it's fine. She- I worry about her, ya know? Like she already almost died. Though is Tino really good for her?"

"He's- like us, I guess. He'll drink at a party but doesn't just sit around drinking like she does."

She goes quiet and he wonders what she's thinking. He wonders if she's thinking about him or just about Graff. And if she's thinking about him, what is she thinking about? Is she thinking about being on top of him on her bed earlier like he is?

"So… where are we going?" he wonders. "What do you wanna do?"

"Whatever," she shrugs. "Train tracks?"

"Sure," he smiles. He loves that she seems to like that place as much as he does. He loves just sitting there and waiting or walking along the tracks to waste time.

He loves how she plays with the hand that's draped over her while he drives. She fingers the rings he wears or twirls the bracelet around. She seems to examine his fingers as well.

"What did you do?" she asks, touching a small cut on his palm.

"Tool slipped in the garage."

"Did you wash it?"

"Yes, I did," he sighs. "I know how to take care of myself, ya know. I'm a big boy. I go potty all by myself and I can pull up my pants too."

"Sorry, I just- worry. I mean if you didn't wash it, it could get infected and the infection could spread and you could lose a hand. And if you lost your hand, there'd be nothing to hold your bracelet on," she laughs quietly.

"Don't even joke about that," he says quickly. "That's my favorite hand; I'd die without it."

"Favorite hand?" she wonders. "For what?"

"What do you think?" he asks. "To jerk off with."

She's silent.

Her silence is unnerving and it only gets worse when he parks and shuts the car off.

"Maybe it wouldn't make you so uncomfortable, if it's-"

"No, it's not that," she shakes her head as she settles against him a bit more. "I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"That it's just… this like… thing people have. Like… people have sex. It seems so casual, like… they have a dog, they have a car and they have sex. I mean should it be so… normal? Like that in conversation? Isn't it supposed to be this like… mythical thing or something? Like magical or religious or something? The way they sell it in school, or in church even, when we used to go, it seemed like this mythical thing, like God, or Egypt. Like this thing that was so far out of your reach and comprehension that it would just never… happen."

He thinks about stopping her ramble but he also loves how she thinks about things so much that she freaks herself out about everything.

"Like… I remember this one lesson thing in church a few years ago and they're like… sex should be like touching God and I just remembering thinking like… that's a lot of pressure and I- I'm way too introspective, huh?"

"A bit," he laughs softly. "But I love listening to you go on."

"Oh shut up," she says and slaps his arm playfully. "I just… I guess maybe some of that stuck? And then to hear it talked about so casually, like it's just something you do, like it doesn't mean anything-"

"It does mean something, Angela. Sex is like… like it can make you feel really close to someone else, I guess, but also to yourself."

"What do you mean?"

_What do I mean? That's a good question and I don't know why I said that, but it's- she wants to know what it's like and who am I to tell her? But… she doesn't know how it is at all because she's never experienced it._

"Like… it's just honest. And of course it feels really good."

"Sometimes when we're like… making out… I love how it makes me feel," she says quietly and it's probably a good thing they're not facing each other because he doesn't think she'd be able to talk if they were. "I love how my stomach gets all… twisted and I feel like I'll either puke or die if you don't touch me."

_I knew she was turned on from all of our kisses. I knew it and she's just scared of that. She did tell me that, way back, that she was scared of that much freedom. That's what she said._

"And when we stop, it's like… horrible but then way more intense when it starts again. Like… it's just so intense sometimes, I'm just-"

"Scared," he finishes her sentence. "But it's just me here, Ang. I'm not so scary, am I?"

"Not until I start thinking about what actually happens, the technicalities of it."

He kisses her forehead softly.

"Like… there must be something wrong with me because I'm such a baby about this, really. I'm surprised I'm sixteen. I act like I'm twelve, giggling about the fact that my boyfriend has a penis. How juvenile! I just don't get how I can be like two completely different people. One is like this… person who loves that rush of hormones or whatever and the other is this like five year old who giggles and-"

_That's it. She's gonna freak herself out again._

He uses his hand to tip her face up to his and covers her mouth with his own.

**87**

They kiss for a few minutes until they hear the train rumbling in the distance.

"C'mon," he says and pulls her out of the car with him. They run up to the tracks as the train flies by them and their hair whips around in the breeze. He watches as she screams into the cars and the sound is drowned out by the train.

Once it's passed, she laughs and jumps up onto the track.

"Don't you wonder why the track isn't hot after a train goes over it?"

"I've never wondered that," he replies as he walks back to the car. He puts the top down and gets the bag of snacks from his trunk. He's realized that it is a tradition of theirs to have snacks and he likes that, the thought of having something that's theirs.

He hops over the side of the car so he's in the back and he sits on the top of the seat with his feet on the seat itself. He looks out at her as she walks around on the tracks in the sunlight.

He lights a cigarette as he watches her and leans forward to turn the radio on to give them something to listen to.

After a couple songs, she walks over to the car and sighs. "You shouldn't smoke, you know. It's bad for you."

"Thank for the stating the obvious. I don't do it all that much."

"Yeah, but I'd rather your tongue taste like ice cream than smoke," she says as attempts to jump over the side of the car but ends up falling onto the seat instead.

"Well if it's so bad for me, how come I can jump into the car and you can't?"

"Shut up," she says and hits his leg as she settles into the seat, her legs stretched out and her back against the car wall. "When did you start that anyway?"

"Smoking? Probably when I was like twelve. I start stealing the old man's cigarettes. I was curious or whatever. Now it just kinda… chills me out."

"And you need that," she laughs. "Because my sister doesn't think you're cool enough."

"At least she's around," he says. "I thought I didn't see Katie much before, now it's like… never. It drives me crazy."

"Have you talked to her?"

"I talk to her every week but it's like… by the time I see her again, she'll probably be a fucking teenager, ya know?"

He tosses his cigarette butt onto the ground and sighs. He hates the fact that he misses her so much and that he's going to miss her life now.

"It's like losing her all over again," he sighs.

"Losing who? Your mom?"

"Yeah," he nods. "Like… having dinner was so nice. You all just sit around and make fun of each other and shit, like… you're annoyed but obviously still love each other. That's… that was nice. I never had that."

She touches his shin softly.

"Well my parents seem to love you so much, you'd probably be invited over me," she laughs. "And that is something that will continue to baffle me."

"What's that? Baffle?"

"Oh- like… shock me or surprise me or make me wonder. I mean… come on! I never saw this coming, that they'd actually like… approve of you! You're older, you have a car, you're in a band! You're obviously way more experienced, which is something they should like… hate you for or whatever, and they fucking love you!"

"Cause I'm charming," he laughs and shoves her a little. "And it's not like I'm a murderer or anything."

"I just didn't expect them to like any guy that I brought home, I guess. So much for teenage rebellion. I mean my mother was more worried about my hair color than she was about you."

He just stares at her because he finds it hilarious that this causes her annoyance. He's glad her parents seem to like him because otherwise, he wouldn't be able to see her. But for her? It's a problem that they like him.

"I know; it's stupid to be talking about this when there are better things we can be talking about."

"Or doing," he grins as he slides down into the seat, his legs going under hers, that are still stretched out on the seat. He reaches for her and she slides over into his lap. "Isn't this better?"

"Yes," she whispers as her mouth seeks out his. Her mouth is always so warm and welcoming to him, to his tongue and his lips, and they always seem to mold against each other so well. He loves drowning his senses in her, smelling her, tasting her, touching her, feeling her tongue slide against his.

He gets his hands under her shirt, one in front and one in back, so he can feel her silky skin. He feels her jump a little to his touch and it makes her even more sexy. He kisses down her throat and back up to her mouth as his fingers rub in small circles on her flesh.

He loves hearing her little moans that she tries to stifle but she can't. He wants to just make her feel that intensity she was talking about. He wants to let her feel how much more intense it can be because he's never felt really close to anyone except her.

Her hands, he notices, get a bit more bold. First they're just in his hair but as he sucks on the skin over her racing pulse, they slide down his stomach and start pulling at his shirt. She gets her hands under it and then her warm fingers mimic his own on her skin and it feels incredible to him, like she's burning fire into his skin.

Then it's her mouth that's all over him, kissing over his jaw and then down his throat. He feels her tongue sweep up his neck, over his chin and back into his mouth and it unnerves him completely.

His hands slide up to her bra and unhook it quickly so he has full access to her back. He runs his hands over her a few seconds before sliding one back to the front and finally his fingers caress the soft flesh, just lightly for a second to see how she reacts. She simply gasps softly before her mouth is on him again, sucking on his lips and tongue and neck.

He accepts that as permission and he runs his fingers around her nipples and listens to her soft moans as they get swallowed in her mouth. He swears he can feel her heart pounding in her chest as he touches her.

He feels her shifting and soon he's realized she's straddled his lap and his hand is trapped between then, against her chest and his. He's harder than he thinks he ever has been and she's settled her body against him.

_Okay. Mayday. Stop. I have to stop. I have to stop and chill out for a few minutes or I will throw her down on this seat and just take what I want and that's not good. Not good._

He starts to pull his mouth away from her.

"No," she whispers and tugs on his torso to pull him back to her again.

"Have to… have to pause," he begs her quietly. "Stop."

She does stop, but she doesn't move either.

He rests his head back on the seat and tries to think of anything except the girl in his lap, the girl with the amazing skin and puffy lips and lollipop taste and-

"What's it like?" she asks and he opens his eyes to look at her. She's staring at him and the sunset behind her makes her hair even prettier.

"What?"

"Like… having it? Like just there."

_Is she asking about my dick? That's… an odd question, but…_

He shrugs. "I don't know. Sometimes annoying I guess, since it sort of has a mind of its own, like… especially in middle school, it was awful. But… it's not like I know what it's like not to have it."

_I wonder if she's ever even seen one, like on a guy and not like a baby or something. Probably not, which means, I'll be her first everything. That's really sexy too. Doesn't she realize that everything about her turns me on?_

"Maybe like… we can just… say whatever happens, happens, like with us." She rests back against his thighs as she plays with the buttons on his shirt. "I mean you said to let you know the rules or whatever, but that just seems… stupid, like… we should just let things happen and I guess whenever I freak out, that's when we stop?"

"Okay, but there does come a point when I can't stop, Angela. Like physically, so if we're there, I'll just like… run into the bathroom or whatever. Okay?"

"Yeah," she nods. "I just… I don't think I was quite ready for like… contact, but I also didn't wanna stop earlier."

"C'mere," he says and pulls her against him closer so he can hug her and she rests her head on his shoulder. "Me neither."

"You never do," she laughs and hits his arm gently.

"Not with you, that's for sure."

**88**

For the next two weeks, they follow the same pattern. They meet in the boiler room or in his car before school, during lunch and after school. The kissing stays just as intense and hands wander. She gets a little bolder and even pulls off his shirt a few times. Her kisses feel like heaven on his chest and her tongue feels devilish.

They usually don't stop until they get interrupted at school by the bells or their friends and when they're at his place, they get interrupted by his urgent need to run to the bathroom and finish himself off. By the time he's back out, she's straightened herself up and is watching TV.

The system works and he feels as if every time, they get closer. Friday night's session had her moving her hips a bit against his and he wanted desperately to touch her or make her come. He moved to unbutton her jeans but his phone rang and it made them both scream and realize he was late for band practice.

Saturday's session, yesterday's session, was much the same only they were stopped by the alarm he'd set reminding him about tutoring at the center.

It's Sunday now and they were laying on his bed watching a movie until she'd started to kiss him and the movie was forgotten. He'd moved the television into his bedroom because Elizabeth had a small air conditioner that fit in the window, but only could cool one room, so they had forgotten the couch whenever she was over, because they wanted to be in the cool air.

He pushes her over as he kisses her and she's pulling his shirt up his back, running her fingers up and down his spine and it makes him crazy. Everything makes him crazy with her but he loves that feeling. She tosses his shirt to the side and he works on pulling hers up, which he's done before many times. But once her shirt is off this time, he moves his hand in back to unhook her bra.

"Jordan," she whispers and pulls her mouth from his.

"What?" he asks, kissing neck slowly, like he knows she loves. He knows she loves it because she always throws her head back or whimpers softly every time.

"Just-"

"Do you wanna stop?"

"No, I just- I'm not like… my chest is really small."

"Is it?" he laughs softly into her ear. "I haven't noticed."

Then he unhooks it and pulls it slowly off her shoulders. He's touched her bare chest before and groped her, but he's never seen her. The blinds are drawn but there's still plenty of light for him to see how pale her skin is and how even and flawless it is.

"I don't think so," he whispers as he trails his tongue down from her neck to engulf one of her nipples. He feels her entire body react to the new feeling. He smiles and kisses all over her chest, licking and sucking on her skin as her hands move all over him, down his arms and through his hair, over his neck and chest.

He feels her hips moving a bit under him as well, rocking slightly under his. He knows she's felt him numerous times now, hard for her, against her hips, against her thigh. But this time, her hips move against his a bit more deliberately and it makes him groan loudly.

_She's KILLING me. She's fucking going to kill me._

His mouth trails down to her stomach and back up and then she's pushing him over and he can look at her sitting over him, her breasts glowing with the moisture from his kiss.

"You're so fucking beautiful," he tells her as she starts kissing him, first his mouth, then his neck and his collarbone and breastbone. He loves feeling her hands holding her up and her lips all over him. Her hips are right above his and she grinds them down against him.

_Any more of this and I'm going to fucking burst! She's going to watch my head splatter all over my bedroom and she'll have to call 911 and tell them that my head exploded and what we were doing that caused it._

"Okay, stop, stop," he says as he struggles to move her off him so he can get to the bathroom before he comes in his pants.

"No," she says and puts her hands on his bare abdomen. "I… I want some contact."

_Oh fuck._

"Contact?" he asks, barely able to say the word.

"Yeah," she nods. "I… I want some contact. I don't know what, but-"

He nods slowly and rolls them over again so he's above her, so he can kiss her softly.

_Only one way to know if she really does want some contact and that's this…_

As the kiss turns hungrier, he slides his hand down between her legs, slides up her thigh until he's got his hand pressed intimately against her and he can feel how hot she is, even through her jeans.

"Oh god," she groans as he rubs his palm against her. "Jorrrrdannn," she whimpers softly.

"Have you ever come?" he whispers close to her ear before licking the hollow of her throat. "Hmm? Have you ever made yourself come?"

He's never said anything so bold to her but if she wants contact, he needs to know. He needs to know what she's done, if she's ever had an orgasm. And she needs to know what he's thinking, that he's serious, that this is real, that he wants her badly.

"Tried," she replies quietly. "Like… all the time now, lately. I think I have."

"Well I wanna try today," he tells her and covers her mouth with his. There's no protest on her lips, no hesitation in her tongue, as he works his hand a bit harder against her and feels her hips grinding against his hand.

He manages to get her jeans undone and lays beside her, half on her and half not, as he slips his hand down her pants.

_Oh my god she's so fucking hot and wet. My fingers slide against her and it's so fucking intense because I can see her. Her eyes are closed and she's biting her lip a little. I wonder if she knows she's biting her lip._

He moves his fingers inside her to brush against her clit and she whimpers and gasps, her eyes flying open.

"Look at me," he says and she turns toward him and the lust in her eyes in incredible. He leans forward and kisses her passionately as he moves his fingers all over, inside her, touching her insides and rubbing her clit. He feels her pushing down, rocking on his hand and her chest is moving quickly, panting for breath. He can feel those pants in between kissing her and her scent is overwhelming. It's more intense than warm vanilla now though that may just be his hormones. Or hers.

"I want you to come," he tells her. "I wanna watch."

She groans and nods her head and bites her lip as he moves his hand faster, pushes his fingers into her deeper, rubs her clit harder until she squeals a bit and her entire body just seizes and surges and he feels a gush of warmth on his fingers.

He keeps his hand in place, stroking her gently for a couple minutes before pulling away.

She's just laying still on the bed, her chest slowing down a little when finally she opens her eyes. She starts to turn away but he catches her chin with his wet fingers. "Don't look away. You shouldn't be embarrassed."

Then he licks her chin softly to clean it off from her wetness and then kisses her before getting up and heading to the bathroom.

**89**

When he's finished in the bathroom and cleaned up and gotten his head back on straight, he walks out of the bathroom to find her hair brushed and shirt and bra back on watching TV with a bowl of ice cream.

"You couldn't get me any?" he complains until he sees she has two spoons in front of her too. "Oh. Thanks."

"Well you should enjoy it, since it's the last of it."

"I'll get more," he shrugs and flops down on the bed next to her, so he's propped up by a few pillows. He reaches for his shirt but it's not where she'd thrown it.

"I think you should be shirtless," she laughs and hands him a spoon.

"Well then you should be too."

"Nope. My rules. I rewound the movie so we could actually like… see it."

"Good idea," he laughs and lifts himself up off the bed so he can kiss her softly. "How do you feel?"

"Relaxed," she says quietly, her cheeks blushing. "But…"

"You shouldn't feel embarrassed, Ang. You were beautiful."

He rests back on the bed and they watch a few minutes of the movie before she says, "I think you were right, like… about it feeling honest in some way."

He doesn't respond because he knows he doesn't have to. He loves that they both seem to know when they need to reply and when they just need to talk.

"So had you?" he asks after a few more minutes of eating ice cream. "Come before?"

"Maybe, but not like that," she laughs quietly. "That was just like… powerful. Is it like… like that all the time? Like during actual sex?"

"I'm not sure; I'm not a girl. You'll have to tell me later," he tells her as she turns to look at him. She touches his face softly and leans down to kiss his forehead.

"Do you think my mom will know?" she laughs. "Like… when she asks what we did today."

He laughs because only she would start worrying about something like that.

"Just… tell her the truth: that Jordan Catalano had his hand down your pants and you liked it."

"Oh shut up!" she says and shoves him away from her and he catches himself from rolling off the bed.

"Well you did like it, didn't you?" he says as he sits up and wraps his arms around her. "Didn't you?" he repeats, kissing her lips softly.

"Yes," she says. "I did. A lot."

"But I don't think your mom will know, unless you act guilty and you shouldn't, since you didn't do anything wrong."

"Okay," she smiles and they both relax back on the bed and neither sees the rest of the movie because they fall asleep in each other's arms.

They're woken an hour later by the alarm reminding him about band practice.

"I'll take you home," he sighs, hating whenever she has to leave him, especially this time. But he loves that his fingers still smell like her, like warm hot vanilla.

"Okay," she says as she stands up and stretches out. She tosses him his shirt and he puts it on as she watches. "So did you wanna come over for dinner after practice? My mom said you could."

"Oh, yeah, I can. That sounds good since I don't even have ice cream here now."

He grabs his guitar and they head out to his car.

She throws her book bag in the back of the car and climbs in the front.

"I can't believe we only have like four weeks of school left; it seems impossible that I'll be a junior in like… a month."

"Yeah," he says as she slides in closer like she always does as he drives.

He's still unsure if he'll be able to pass his finals to be a junior, or if he'll be able to pass the GED to be able to just be done with high school. He has no idea how that will affect them either. He doesn't want to not be in school because he's afraid they'll just stop seeing each other. But he also can't see being in high school until he's twenty either.

"So are you guys gonna be ready for the try out at Vertigo?"

"Yeah. We've been tweaking some of our covers and I think the originals are ready, so then we have to pick what to do for the try out."

"I think you should do Break Me Down, it's the best one and everybody loved it."

"Maybe, but the guys think maybe doing a cover is best for a try out."

_I can't believe I finally got to touch her today. The images of her keep running through my mind, the way she bit her lip and how pretty she was, how pale and perfect her skin is… I just wanna be inside her._

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," she says and rests her head on his shoulder for the rest of the drive to her house.

"So I'll be back in a few hours, after practice."

"Okay. I… that was really… amazing," she says softly to him before kissing him just as soft on the lips. "Next time? I wanna watch you."

He's stunned as he watches her get out and head in to her house.

_How the hell am I supposed to like… function now?_

**To Be Continued**

**Well now you know that they're on their way to getting back together- I'll ask again for ideas for the summer- I'm two chapters short of an ending so I need to know what types of scenes you'd like to see between angela/jordan or between any of the characters to finish up things before the last chapter!!**


	19. Chapters 90 thru 94

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 90-94/ 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+  
**RATING**: NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 90 thru 94 of 100**

**90**

"Does it seem like all we do anymore is this?" she asks as she pulls his shirt off and he does the same to hers.

"Only when we're alone here," he replies kissing down her chest.

_It's been three days since I touched her and it's all I can fucking think about anymore._

_Like all those times with the others just don't compare to being with Angela, to touching her and kissing her. They don't even matter; nothing does. Only her._

It seems to him like she's in a rush to pick up where they left off the last time they were on his bed with the air conditioner running.

He loves that it's like this though, that they can act like before at school, making out in the boiler room or just sitting and eating candy, and then also be like this where they want to completely devour each other.

She pushes him over once their chests are bare and starts kissing him, licking and biting him gently as well, all over. Her tongue travels up his torso over his heart and up his throat. His hands rest on her hips but slide slowly upward, over her ribs and around to touch her chest and his fingers trail over her nipples gently.

Her mouth is back on his, kissing him hungrily, sucking on his tongue and licking his soft palate. It's strange to him how the same girl that seems to freak out so much about sex, can be so bold and sensual.

_It's ironic. That's what it is to me, that's why she is. And amazing._

Their hips move as before, barely gyrating against each other but intense nonetheless. He remembers feeling her contracting around his fingers as she came and how beautiful she was. It's all he's been able to think about for the last three days and all he wants to feel again. Any time he's looked at his fingers, he's thought of that and walked around with an erection practically the entire three days.

He's about to pull away and run to the bathroom when he feels her fingers unbuttoning his jeans and he opens his eyes to look at her.

"What?" she asks. "I said I wanted to."

"You don't have to if you don't really-"

"I do," she says. "I don't know what I'm doing, but…"

He sits up a bit and pulls her mouth to his for another hungry kiss. He doesn't think he'll ever get enough of her mouth or lollipops.

He feels her sliding down his legs a little and her fingers at his jeans again.

_This is going to be the least amazing thing ever because I swear I'll come in about two seconds._

She gets his button undone and then unzips his fly and smiles softly, with more confidence than he'd expect from her, especially since she'd probably never seen a guy before.

He wonders what's going through her mind as she leans forward to kiss him more. He lets his hands graze her chest again as he lifts her up slightly so he can roll them over. His hips land between her legs and her chest against his is warm and soft and inviting.

So many images flash through his mind of things he wants to do to her, things he wants to say, things he's done with other girls but thinks will be so much better with her.

Her legs slide up a bit and he feels her thighs gripping him as she starts rubbing against him and he can feel her through his jeans since he's nearly popping out of them.

Her fingers run up and down his back, through his hair and down to his waist where she starts pushing the jeans down.

"Wait, wait, wait," he says quickly. "Stop."

"Why?" she asks, panting underneath him.

"I can't fucking think."

His mind is racing too much, the blood is pounding in his head and in his chest and he's afraid of hurting her or scaring her because he can't control himself.

"Jordan," she says, touching his face. "I- I want this."

"What?" he asks, his body still as he tries to calm down a bit.

"This, whatever… whatever happens. I want it. It's… it's all I can think about anymore, since the other day- what it would be like to like… have you… inside me."

_Oh fuck there went the last bit of blood I had anywhere in my body._

His arms practically go limp and he starts kissing her again. Her hands immediately start pushing his jeans down and he still has his doubts if she's ready for that, but she seems decided on getting his pants down and is relieved when he's finally free of his confines.

He works on kicking off his jeans and her legs help by pushing them down as well until he's finally naked above her and he's slightly embarrassed at the fact that although he's had sex a lot, he's never been completely naked with a girl ever.

"I wanna see," she giggles quietly near his ear when he's kissing her neck.

"And that's funny to you?"

"I've just never seen one," she whispers and he rests on his elbows above her. Her green eyes stare at him and make him smile. "What's so funny?"

"You are," he says. "So we can play doctor here, but I show you mine, you show me yours." He laughs when she looks away in embarrassment. "What? I can have my fingers in it but I can't see it?"

_I have never in my life laughed with a girl in bed and I think I like it._

"Okay," she says quietly and lifts her head to kiss him again. The kiss gets heated again and her fingers sliding down his thighs make him crazier.

He snakes a hand in between them to start undoing her jeans and his erection is throbbing with need when he finally gets a hand in her pants again. He rubs against her with his palm a few times until he feels her pushing back against him and his mouth trails down to her throat. He feels her groans vibrating against his lips.

_I think I'm going to die right here if I don't get something soon._

Her hands and mouth on his face feel just as desperate and he soon feels her hands pushing her own pants down and together, they get them on the floor and then it's her skin and his.

"Oh god," she gasps as he settles against her.

His forehead drops and rests on her shoulder for a minute as he looks down and sees her pale perfect flesh underneath his. He realizes he's never even seen a completely naked girl. They'd always either have their shirts slightly undone and pants undone, or skirt up and shirt on…

"Yeah," he whispers back and covers her mouth with his for another deep kiss where his tongue and hers collide and eventually, he's not sure which is his and which is hers because they're both just sliding against each other, rubbing up and down, making them both pant together, sucking in air as much as they can.

"I want you," she manages to say before his lips are on hers again and he slides a hand between her legs. She's so wet between them and he pushes two fingers into her to really make sure. She groans into his mouth and he rubs her clit a little as well. "Jordan," she gasps slightly. "Please god…"

_Please god. Yes. We both need this._

It's the first time he's really gotten that poem about the burning furnace because his entire body is on fire with need for her.

"Okay," he says and tears his mouth away. He feels her mouth at his throat next and her hands sliding down his back and over his butt, pulling his hips closer to hers. He feels her heat as he slides against it and they both gasp at the intimate contact.

He reaches over to the nightstand and somehow manages to get out a condom. He thinks he should win a medal for remembering because he can barely even remember his name.

He fumbles with it a little but finally gets it in place and is back to her mouth quickly.

"Are you sure?" he asks before kissing her again and he feels her nod.

_Oh my god. I'm about to have sex with Angela!_

He pulls her legs a bit further apart so he can settle comfortably between them and then he's holding himself and pressing inside her.

_Please don't let me come too soon. Please don't let me come soon. Art class. History. English. Katimsky. Angela. Angela under me. Angela's mouth. Angela's hot, wet- no. Art class. History. Please don't let me come yet._

He wants desperately to watch her reactions but he's too taken by his own, by how amazing it feels and how completely honest it is.

He forces himself to lift his head, open his eyes to see her. He's finally completely engulfed by her and she's tight around him and hot underneath him and he struggles to maintain any kind of control over his body. His muscles are tense and straining and she's shaking a bit under him.

"Are you okay?" he wonders and she opens her eyes and nods. He can feel her breath hitting his face, her lips just barely touching his.

"It's just… intense," she says and wraps her arms around him to touch his back. "Weird."

_That's Angela, over thinking everything even now._

He rolls his hips forward a bit and watches as her face changes from thought to joy in a split second. Their mouths fuse again and their tongues mimic the actions of their bodies now, joined together, dancing as the friction of their bodies builds intensely until it's too much for either to handle.

He tries to watch her come but his own orgasm is too intense to stand.

**91**

He's still waiting for his body and his brain to merge back together.

So is she, it appears.

He lifts himself off her slowly and lies next to her as he pulls off the condom and tosses it in the garbage next to his bed.

He notices she shivers slightly so he pulls the covers up over them both and settles in next to her, his hand rubbing small circles on her stomach, around her belly button.

"Ang?" he asks since she hasn't said anything yet and he's worried.

"Yeah," she nods, eyes still closed. "I'm… here."

"Well I know that, but… you're quiet. You okay?"

She nods again. "Just… thinking."

"Thinking what?" he asks as he kisses her shoulder softly.

He's never felt the need to talk to any girl after having sex, let alone kiss her.

"Um… just… everything," she says and she finally opens her eyes and turns her head to look at him. "Like… that I just had sex with Jordan Catalano."

"And I had sex with Angela Chase," he laughs. "Did you like it?"

"That's such a weird question," she laughs and hits his shoulder playfully.

"Why? Did you?"

"Of course I did, but that's not the point. The point is that I just had sex with Jordan Catalano."

He finds it strange that she can still completely confuse him.

"I mean… of all the likely things to happen to me in my life, this wasn't on the list, or even an option until like… this year and even then… it's like so strange to think about because-"

He presses his mouth to hers, interrupting her with a kiss as usual.

When he pulls away she just smiles and slides closer to him. He wraps his arms around her and he loves feeling her skin against his. Underneath the covers, it's warm and sweaty and now smells like them.

She sighs and kisses his chest lightly as he rubs her back, drawing little squiggles with his fingers.

"So now can we do it in your room while your parents are asleep?" he asks quietly as his fingers run down her arm.

"Oh shut up! I was joking!" she says and props herself up on her elbow so she's looking down at him. "It was a joke! What else was I supposed to say? In an abandoned house with old dingy wallpaper?"

He laughs and watches as she tucks her hair behind her ears.

"What?" she asks. "Stop staring at me."

"Where am I supposed to look? At the wall? A girl is naked in my bed and I can't look? That's not fair, especially since she's so pretty."

"Oh please, you got me into bed; you don't have to tell me that anymore," she says as she lays back down in his arms.

"I'll tell you every day if I want and if you want me to stop, we'll just have to do it in your room while-"

"My parents are asleep. I GOT it!" she laughs as she pushes herself up into a sitting position.

His hands rest on her abdomen and lower back and he slides over to kiss her side.

"I've never done this before," he says.

"What?"

"Like… this, any of this. Never had a girl naked in my bed or like laid with her after or… even wanted to see her afterward."

He looks up and sees her just staring at him and it's his turn to say, "what?"

"Are you serious? I mean… you had other like… girlfriends."

"So?" He sits up beside her. "We were never like… this, like us. I never even took my shirt off with them."

They lock eyes for what seems like hours and he sees so much in her eyes, can practically read her thoughts about his confession and what it means. It means he loves her, completely. It means she is the exception to everything. It means she is uncommon.

The next thing he knows, she's launched herself at him and she's on top of him now kissing him hungrily and he struggles to pull the covers out from in between them so he can feel her skin against his, one of her legs in between his.

Her hands are in his hair and down his chest and all over him and he knows she better be careful unless-

"How long until we can do it again?" she laughs as she kisses his throat.

"Soon if you keep doing that," he laughs with her.

**92**

Eight times. Eight times since Wednesday that he's been inside her, that they've been together skin on skin, hungry hands and hungrier mouths.

Three times Wednesday, twice on Thursday, once Friday and twice Saturday. And then her parents wouldn't let her out of something on Sunday so he hadn't seen her in over twenty-four hours.

And he wasn't sure how they'd ever find the ability to pull apart long enough to go to class. They both know the homeroom bell will ring soon but she's pulling his shirt out of the way to get to his pants and he's already got her jeans undone. They're both grateful for the back seat of his car being so roomy.

Thus far all the times had been at his place, six on the bed, once on the couch and once on the floor. But the second he feels her hand in his pants stroking him, he knows number nine will be in the car.

"Homeroom?" he asks as she's pulling him out and he's pushing her pants down.

She just laughs and pulls him on top of her on the seat. The day is already hot and now he'll spend it covered in sweat and sex and the scent of her and he doesn't care.

He groans from feeling her stroking him as he showed her on Thursday when she started asking more questions about what he felt and what it was like to have an erection.

"Do you have-"

He nods and fumbles to find his pocket and pull out the condom.

"Last one. Need more," he says as she opens it up and he takes it from her and slips it on quickly and then he's inside her again and she's got her hands pushing his shirt up so she can pull him closer to her and touch him more.

It's frantic and fast and daring and sexy all at once.

His hand rubs her all over, playing with her body as she does his. He can feel where they're joined and he feels her hand there too as they both work her clit for a more intense orgasm.

The work pays off and they're both relieved and sated after, holding each other as they struggle for air.

"Told you I missed you more."

"I think I've turned you into a sex addict," he states as he pulls away.

"You should talk," she laughs a bit and pulls up her pants. "You started it."

"I didn't start it. How did I start it?"

He tosses the condom in an old soda cup off the floor and then pulls his jeans up as well.

"By telling me to meet you in the boiler room during lunch."

She slides over so she can sit beside him and slide her hand into his.

"How is that starting anything? We always used to meet during lunch in the boiler room!"

"Yeah, and now we can do boiler room things," she whispers and kisses his cheek. "And now we're late. We missed homeroom but we can still make it for first."

"Or we could stay here," he laughs. "But we don't have another condom. I have to buy more."

He's worried that perhaps things have changed. He feels stupid for even thinking there's a problem with the fact that he's now been inside her nine times, but he also wonders if now that's all they'll ever do.

_We haven't really had a real conversation since Wednesday._

"And we really should go in anyway since like… it's only three weeks until finals. I'm already dreading geometry since we didn't get along this year. Do I look okay? I don't look all… disheveled?"

"What's that?"

"Like messy or- like I was just having sex with my boyfriend."

"May wanna brush your hair," he laughs and climbs out his side of the car as she gets out hers.

"Maybe Rickie'll be in the bathroom," she says and takes his hand as they head in to school together.

"Catalano!" he hears and sees Shane running down the stairs toward them as they come out of the office with their late slips. "Hey, Angela."

"Hi, Shane. I'll see you later," she tells him and kisses him softly before leaving in search of a brush.

"What's up?" Jordan asks, heading to his locker, Shane following.

"Audition is tomorrow night for Vertigo. We get one song and if they like us, they'll book us for a set, probably a late night shitty time, but at least it's something."

"Yeah, for sure," he nods and he wonders if he'll be able to pass his classes if now only half his brain is able to focus on anything other than Angela's body underneath him.

He has to try his locker combination twice before he gets it.

"Jordan, you there?"

"Huh?" he asks and turns to Shane.

"Yeah, did you hear me?"

"Yeah, sure," he nods. "Tomorrow night. One song."

"No, I said that we're practicing two hours tonight instead of one. Are you working?"

"Oh, sorry. Yeah, but I can be there by six."

"What's the matter with you, Man? You look-"

"What?" Jordan asks as he slams his locker shut and starts heading for first.

"Happy, actually. Not quite as miserable and lonely and- OH MY GOD! You fucked her!"

Jordan grabs Shane and throws him against a nearby locker, his hand over Shane's mouth which only confirms Shane's accusation.

"Not a WORD of this, Shane, to anyone. I mean it."

"I can't believe this! Finally, Catalano gets the squeaky girl. Where? In your car? How was she? Any good for being such a good girl?"

"Shut the fuck up," Jordan says and shoves Shane harder into a locker.

"Woah. What the hell, Jordan?"

Jordan grabs his arm and yanks him into the stairwell.

"Yes, we had sex, but it's not like that, Shane. She's not a fucking trashy slut like the others, okay? Don't- if you say anything to anyone, even Kevin, I swear I'll fuckin' beat the-"

"Relax," Shane interrupts, staring at his friend in complete shock. "Relax. I won't say anything. I- shit, you're fuckin' in love with her, aren't you?"

"I just don't want people callin' her shit, okay? She's- she's my girlfriend or whatever. She's… she's just- I don't want people goin' around school makin' jokes. And you won't say anything either."

"Okay, chill, Catalano. I just didn't realize how like… I figured… I don't know. Figured if you ever did get her in bed, it'd be over or something."

"Well it's not and yes, okay? Yes," Jordan answers Shane's earlier question. "And that's why I don't want anyone saying anything about her or us. Got it?"

He can't say the words to anyone, not even to her yet, but he knows he's in love with her. He's never been in love before but he knows what it feels like now.

"So I'll see you later?" Shane calls after him as he runs up the stairs as the bell rings for first.

**93**

"Catalano!" Kevin yells as he runs towards Jordan's car during lunch. He'd put the top down and is sitting on the hood, waiting for any sign of Angela since he can't think of anything else.

"Hey," he says as Kevin jumps up onto the car.

"So it's great out today. Let's blow off the afternoon and grab a couple girls. We can head to the lake and just enjoy it."

"It's the first day back, Kev," he laughs. "You just finished being at the lake in the afternoon like… five periods ago."

"Yeah and I'm already bored. So let's go. Fuck school, Man."

"I told you, I'm actually trying now," he sighs. Jordan's tired of his friends not listening to him, especially Kevin. He's told them a few times that he's really trying to pass his classes this year and Shane's fine with that but Kevin?

_Kevin's a dick, that's what it really is._

"Oh great, here come the rugrats," Kevin laughs a little. "God when will they fuckin' get the hint that they're LOSERS!"

Jordan turns to look behind his back where Kevin is looking and he sees Angela, Rickie, Cherski and Graff coming down the stairs.

"And that fuckin' kid? He's a little bitch, obviously, since he wears make up."

"Shut the fuck up," Jordan says. "I swear to god, Kevin. You're an asshole."

"What?" Kevin asks. "Fuckin' look at him, Catalano! Bitch wears-"

_That's it. I really don't fuckin' need him as a friend since he's not one; he's just a jerk._

Jordan jumps off his car and grabs Kevin's arm and yanks it around his back. He holds Kevin's arm behind his back and slams Kevin down onto the hood of the car.

"I said enough," he says angrily as Kevin struggles a bit.

"Jordan," he hears Angela say. "What's-"

He shoves himself away from the car and Kevin stands and turns on him quickly.

"We're done," he tells Kevin.

"For what? For them? For Tino's whore and a fuckin' cunt ass bitch whose a-"

Jordan doesn't even know his fist is flying until he sees it collide with Kevin's face.

"Jordan!" he hears them yell and Angela's pulling at his hand, trying to keep him from hitting Kevin again.

"HEY! GUYS! Knock it off!" Shane runs between the two and pushes them away from each other.

"I said we're done, Kevin. At least they don't walk around like they're better than everyone else because Daddy is rich or whatever. You have all these god damn opportunities and you're a fuckin' prick. I don't need that."

Kevin wipes the blood from his lip and starts toward Jordan.

"Kevin!" Shane says, pushing Kevin back.

"That fucker punched me!" Kevin yells. "And all for that fuckin'-"

Jordan starts to rush him again but he feels Angela tugging back on his hand harder and Shane pushes him back a foot.

"Turning your back on your friends for a piece of pussy you ain't ever gonna have?" Kevin starts to laugh.

"Kevin, you need to leave," Shane says.

"What?"

"I said you need to leave, Kevin. You're an asshole, okay? We only mildly tolerate you on a good day. You insult him like your life is so great? Your girlfriend cheats on you fuckin' constantly but we don't say shit and are always nice to her. If you can't be nice to his friends, then you gotta go."

_That really fuckin' surprises me. I never woulda thought Shane would interfere like this. I mean… it's nice. I know he doesn't get why I like Angela, but…_

"Fuck you," Kevin says angrily. "Fuck you all."

He kicks Jordan's car mirror off violently as he storms off.

"Well that was fun, Kids," Shane laughs. "Nice eventful lunch, plenty of entertainment for all ages. Next time, we charge a fee to see Catalano punch someone."

"Are you okay?" he hears Angela ask. She takes his hand in hers and starts examining it. It does hurt and he'll probably have a bruise or something, but he knows it was worth it. "What happened? What was that about?"

"Nothing, just… something I shoulda done a long time ago. So…" He looks at her and it calms his anger when he sees her looking at him, obviously worrying. "He's an ass; I just couldn't fuckin' listen to his bullshit any longer."

"That was really decent," Cherski says to him, but he notices her eyes fall on Shane, who's sitting on his trunk. "I mean… really decent."

"Didn't know you had it in you, Shane," Graff laughs. "I still vote ditch sixth and go for burgers. Anyone else in?"

"Sounds better than bio," Rickie says. "Sharon? Angela?"

"I uh…" He watches Angela's eyes and he laughs a bit because she's clearly disappointed at the idea of not having sex because of her friends.

_Maybe it would be good for us to go and hang out without it because it would mean we're still friends, right? And I did just probably alienate all my friends except Shane._

"What, Chase Face? Got better plans?" Cherski giggles and Angela blushes.

_Well I guess she told._

"What? Am I missing something?" Graff asks, looking between the girls and then to him. "Oh my GOD! Angelika!" She squeals and jumps off the trunk to rush Angela and hug her.

"What?" Rickie asks, looking clueless. "What?!"

"News is spreading about the two lovebirds," Shane explains casually. "Wanting a little privacy and all, but it is school hours and you're not in the boiler room, so let's go, Catalano. Burgers. Come on!" Shane pounds on the trunk loudly. "I got shot gun!"

He watches as Shane stands and jumps over the back seat to slip into the passenger seat.

"I… guess we're going for burgers," Angela shrugs.

"Later," he whispers in her ear as he kisses her neck softly.

**94**

"That was the first class I ever cut!" Cherski says nervously as they all climb out of his car in the school parking lot. "What if they know? What if they call home?"

"Relax," Shane laughs and throws his arm around her. "I'll protect you."

She just laughs a little as they walk.

_Okay. That's fuckin' weird. Really weird. They've been like… flirting for the past hour. I've never really seen him flirt before and Angela seems to think it's strange too._

He's disappointed they didn't really get a chance to even really kiss because all he can think about is her now, but he tries his best to focus on his classes for the afternoon.

He's at least finding the reading a bit easier in all his classes, which makes him happy since he's been doing so much tutoring and work at the reading center. He hopes the reading clinic over the summer will also help a lot.

He thinks about lighting a cigarette as he gets to his car after ninth, but thinks better of it because he knows he should quit and it's not because of Angela. It's just because he thinks-

_Okay, it's because of her but if it bothers her or whatever, why shouldn't I just not smoke around her? Right? Plus it'll be cheaper to not have to buy as many._

"Hey," she says as she approaches and he smiles softly. "Ninth was the worst. I think I desperately need your help for my shop final and then I have to remember never to take this again."

"It can't be all that bad," he says as she wraps her arms around him and he hugs her back before kissing her softly.

"Well it went from bad to worse today when he paired us off for a damn quiz thing and of course I got stuck with Stan and he was just a jerk the entire time. Making dumb comments and arguing with me about every answer. We barely finished."

"What kinda dumb comments?" he wonders because he really doesn't like hitting people but if the guy was saying shit to Angela or harassing her, he'd have to deal with it. It's not like he doesn't know how to fight; the old man saw to that.

"Nothing. I just wanna forget it," she says and runs her fingers through his hair.

He looks down at her and still can't believe something so amazing worked out for him, that he actually has her and they're happy together.

"Do you have to go home?"

"I don't think so," she shrugs. "You working?"

"Yeah, I have to. So I can either drop you off or you could hang out at the garage."

"I told my mom I'd be home. She's working late and doesn't want Danielle home alone," she sighs and kisses him sweetly, like she used to before she'd learned just how to rub their tongues together to drive him nuts.

He watches as she gets in and smiles before getting into the car himself.

"So obviously I told Sharon," she says as she settles beside him, his arm around her. "I couldn't help it. And then Rayanne figured it out and-"

"Shane did too. He said I looked too happy but I told him not to say anything to anyone else."

"So what happened with Kevin today at lunch?" she asks and he feels her playing with his fingers just like always and he's glad. As much as he loves having sex with her, he also didn't want it to only be about that because she truly is his best friend.

"Just stupid shit. He's just an asshole and started saying shit about you and Rickie and I'm not in the mood anymore. Guess Shane felt the same way."

"Yeah, and what's up with Shane and Sharon? They may as well have jumped up on the table and gone at it," she laughs. "I mean… I know she's finally stopped seeing Kyle, but I wouldn't have put her and him together."

"I don't know," he shrugs. "He's never really had a girlfriend or anything but… neither had I."

"And that's working out nicely," she laughs and he feels her hand creeping under his shirt. "Huh?"

"I have to work, seriously, or else we won't have an apartment or a car to be in."

"I'm not doing anything," she whispers into his ear before her lips are on his neck, slowly kissing their way up to his mouth and he knows he needs to stay on the road and concentrate.

"Liar," he laughs softly. "You know exactly what you're doing."

He's relieved when he finally arrives at her house and throws the car into park before pulling her closer to him and their mouths collide for a couple minutes but he pulls away before he's too far into it to be able to leave.

"Don't go," she says quietly as she kisses his neck.

"I have to for several reasons," he says, even if the reasons seem crazy to him now. "I have to work and I have practice then and I don't have any more condoms anyway, so…"

"Soo," she sighs as she pulls away, "that means I need to stop."

"Yes and consider that a couple months ago, you freaked out at the thought of having sex and now it's all you want."

"It's not all I want," she says. "I wanna hear you guys play tomorrow. I think we have to spread it around the school. If they see you have tons of people to show, they'll definitely book you."

"Yeah, I know. It's like… maybe we could actually do something with the band, even if it's just local."

_I know the possibility of actually becoming famous or something is slim to none, but it's a nice idea. It's nice to have a dream and to think that maybe one day I could be famous._

"I don't know much but I know everyone loved your songs, Jordan, so I think you should definitely go for it."

_And that's another reason why I love her._

"Okay," he smiles softly and plays with a piece of her hair a second. "I gotta-"

"I know," she nods. "So… I'll… see you tomorrow then?"

"Yeah. I'll pick you up?"

"Deal."

He kisses her again before watching her get out.

_I can't believe how much my life has changed since September._

_It's like… sometimes I guess it's funny how one thing changes everything. Like when Mom died, it changed my entire life and made it horrible. But…if it hadn't been horrible, maybe I wouldn't have liked Angela this much? Or maybe I wouldn't have even met her._

_It's like you could drive yourself crazy if you thought about everything that could be different if one thing changed and then you'd have missed tons of other stuff that happened._

**To Be Concluded**


	20. Chapters 95 thru 99

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 95-99/ 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 99,200+  
**RATING**: R  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,  
**THANKS TO**: methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 95 thru 99 of 100**

**95**

He's extremely nervous, though not as nervous as he'd been the first night.

"Did you get the amp plugged in, Matt? It wasn't plugged in before and it has to be before we go on," he says as he runs over to check it. They have fifteen minutes until they're on and he's still worried.

"Yes. I plugged it in, Jordan, I fuckin' told you that."

"Well did you double check the volume? We can't have it too loud."

"Yes!" both Shane, Tom and Matt yell.

"What about the symbols? Did you-"

"I'm gonna punch you!" Shane says as he shoves Jordan into a wall backstage.

Jordan sits on a crate beside Angela but is only able to stay for a second before his leg is bouncing and he jumps up. He wants things to be perfect. If they play well, they could be asked back. If they play well, they could be invited other places to play. If they play well…

"I'm gonna go check it again," he says and starts to walk onto the stage when Shane yanks him back.

"Leave it the fuck alone, Jordan!"

He stumbles back a bit and he hears Angela's voice, "Hey." He feels her hand slip into his. "C'mon. C'mere."

"Where we going? I have to be on in like fifteen minutes."

"I know," she says. "Believe me, I know. I just saw this little room back here I wanted to check out."

The next thing he knows, she's pulled him into a little half-empty storage closet. He's leaning against the wall and her mouth is on his for a passionate kiss. He feels her body pressed against his and suddenly, the last thing in his mind is the show.

_It's like as soon as she fuckin' touches me now, even if it's just my arm, all I see is her body. It's like something comes over me and it's suddenly Angela-vision that I see._

He pushes his green flannel off her shoulders and starts kissing her neck, licking over her racing pulse and sucking on her tender skin. The scent of warm vanilla and the slick slide of her tongue against his takes him over and all his hands can do is find their way under his shirt and her tank top.

She leans into his body, pressing him back against the wall as he feels her hands at his belt, undoing it quickly and with practiced ease. Just the sound of his zipper unzipping makes him hard now because he associates the sound with her.

"What… are you doing?" he asks, his voice stunted and shaky as he feels her hands gripping him, stroking him slowly inside his jeans.

"Relaxing you," she whispers against his mouth. "Is it working?" she laughs and kisses him more and he's completely lost for words and at her mercy.

_Relaxed?! I'm supposed to be relaxed! How I am supposed to be relaxed when she's stroking my dick like a porn star. Did I teach her that?!_

"Ang," he groans quietly before spinning them around so he has her pressed against the wall and he's reaching for her pants, wishing she were the type of girl who wore skirts.

But she pulls his hands away from her and somehow gets him back against the wall.

"Just breathe," she whispers against his neck. "I never get to see you come."

_Is she fucking KIDDING me?!_

He doesn't even have time to think how sexy that was coming out of her mouth because her thumb swipes over the tip of his dick and rubs the sensitive head as her other hand strokes him and it's only minutes, maybe seconds, before he's coming into her waiting warm hands.

He rests back against the wall as she pulls away from him, kissing his chin softly.

"Well now I've made a mess," she laughs.

He opens his eyes to see her grabbing a rag off the floor to wipe her hands off.

_I can't believe this was the same girl who was so nervous and scared about having sex and now it's like… she practically wants it more than me!_

"Are you more relaxed?" she asks, turning back to him as she tosses the rag in a garbage can.

"Yeah," he nods. "Thanks. That helps."

"Good." She glances at her watch. "Only five minutes to go now. I think we can make use of that time too."

He watches as she walks back over and he kisses her briefly before turning away from her hungry mouth. Instead, he pulls her against him and hugs her tightly.

_I have no fucking clue what will happen if I ever lose her again. I'm far too into her to ever get out alive, I think._

"Thanks, Ang… for being here."

"Like I'd be anywhere else," she smiles. "So… I have to find a bathroom to wash my hands and you need to get your guitar and get ready."

"You gonna sit out with everyone?"

"Yeah, Rayanne and Rickie said they'd save me a seat. So… good luck."

She kisses his cheek before heading off and he tries to gather his thoughts and his nerves as he joins the guys backstage.

"We sure on the song?" Jordan asks. "Maybe we should do a cover?"

"No. Break Me Down," Shane insists. "It's our best song and everyone said so."

They had asked everyone at school what song they'd liked the most and everyone but one person said Break Me Down. He still wasn't sure if they should put all their dreams on his song but they can't change it now.

"Welcome to Vertigo," he hears the club manager speak into the microphone. "Here to play Break Me Down is Gravity."

He hears several people screaming and is shocked when they walk out on stage and see half the school packed into the club.

"CATALANO!" someone screams. His nerves are on edge and as they start, he focuses on Angela sitting at one of the front tables.

By the second verse, he's just singing and has forgotten about anything else but his words and singing them for her. He loves how free he feels on stage, singing so loud with the rest of the world kept away by the thrumming music.

He wonders what it would be like on a huge stage with the music so loud, people hear it for miles. He wonders if that could ever be a possibility.

**96**

"What time do you have to be home?" he asks as he kisses his way around her navel and up over her chest. He feels her hand in his hair, holding his head, stroking the back of his neck.

_I will never get enough of that, just feeling her touching me so soft. Like… she's always touching my forehead or my arm or my hand so gently and it's so fucking nice. Maybe I love it so much because I've never really had something like it before._

"What time is it?" she asks and rolls over a bit to glance at the clock on the shelf near his bed. "I have an hour," she sighs and pulls his face up to hers. Her lips meet his and their arms wrap around each other and he loves these moments maybe even more than the sex itself.

"I hate taking you home," he whispers as he kisses her neck slowly.

"I know, but… it's not like my parents will let me sleep over here, especially if they knew you lived alone in your own apartment."

"They don't?" he asks as he props himself up on his elbow to take her in. Her hair is definitely messy and she seems to have a soft glow, but it could be the way the light from his dresser hits her.

"Hell no. I told them you live here with your grandma."

He laughs softly. "Guess you really aren't so innocent."

"Not anymore, you see to that almost every day."

"Um… excuse me?" he asks. "You're the one crawling all over me! You're the sex fiend, not me, Angela Chase."

She turns away from him for a second as she smiles to herself.

"See? You know it's the truth."

"Well… it… like… feels good. Amazing, rather. Like… having sex with you is so much better than like… not having sex with you," she tells him and kisses him sweetly.

"I agree."

He relaxes next to her and runs his fingers lazily over her stomach. He loves touching her and loves how they just stay on his bed after, how they'd probably stay for hours if they could.

"Like… I can't believe I was so nervous or whatever. But I'm still glad it didn't happen in that abandoned house. Being here was so much better."

"I agree with that too. Or no, what was that other word? Brain used it the other day, con-something."

"Concur."

"Right. I concur," he states and moves closer so he can kiss her shoulder.

"So…" she rolls onto her side to face him. "Are you working at the garage this summer then?"

"Yeah, that and I told my uncle that I've got summer school, so I'll be doing that reading clinic for six weeks and then I'm hoping to pass my GED."

"What?" she asks and he watches her eyes as they stare at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well I'm gonna be eighteen, Angela, and I'm not sure I'll make it out of the tenth grade. I'm not looking to be the twenty year old senior. I can't- if I get my GED, if I can read enough to pass, I'll just get a job or something."

"But… Jordan, that- I mean-" She sits up suddenly and he reaches for her arm when she reaches for her clothes.

"Stop. What's wrong?"

"So that's like… what? This is it? I mean… you- never mind."

She pulls her arm out of his loose grip and he's stunned.

_She's not- fuck. She must really be upset if she's not rambling._

"Ang, stop," he says and crawls to the edge of the bed before she can get dressed. "What's wrong?"

He pulls her into his arms and back on the bed with him. They stumble a bit until they're once again, side by side on the bed.

"Tell me," he whispers and moves his mouth to hers but she turns away. "What?"

"You just… spring this on me, like… oh by the way, I'm not coming to school next year, see ya," she says, staring at the wall behind him.

"Did I say see ya? I don't think so," he says quickly. "I- c'mon. I can't fuckin' sit in the tenth grade again and I sure as hell don't wanna be the only senior who can legally drink in a few years. I need to get the hell out of high school. I need to do something with my life and it's not high school."

She sighs and he notices how beautiful she is with her eyes closed in thought. He strokes her arm gently before pulling her against him completely.

He feels her arms slowly move around him as she sniffles a bit.

"What's wrong? Why the sniffles?"

"Oh, like you'll really wanna be with me," she laughs sadly into his chest. "You'll be working and like… a real adult or whatever and you're not gonna want to bother with some freakin' dorky high school girl. Be serious, Jordan."

_Woah. WHAT?! She actually thinks that? How could she ever think that? Who else could I ever be with?_

"Maybe you haven't noticed, Angela, but I wrote a song for you. I… I left my friends behind for you. I left my house because of you. I'm… I actually have a hope of passing the tenth grade because of you. For the first time in my god damned life, I actually feel like… like I might actually be able to read one day. I-"

_Fuck. How can she not fucking see all this? How can she not know?_

"Look at me," he says and waits for her to lift her eyes to his. "I'm happy, Angela. For the first time ever, I feel like things might actually be okay and aren't just this fucking horrible mess. For the first time in my life, I'm thinking about my future because I actually might have one. That's- that's all because of you. Whether I'm in school or not, I want you right here."

He watches as she listens and thinks, wondering if she'll start to ramble her doubts and fears like she always does. He knows things will be different if he's not in school, but he knows for certain that for at least the next year, probably longer, he can't see his life without her.

"But… why?" she asks quietly.

"Because I- because- because of this," he says, not being able to find the words he really wants to say. "Because… you're the only person in the world I could say any of this to. The only person I could tell anything to. Because we're- because you're my best friend."

She smiles and kisses him sweetly.

"Shane will be upset if I told him that."

"That's why you won't," he grins. "So… is that settled then?"

She nods.

"Yeah? Say it then."

"Yes," she laughs as he pushes her on her back and moves above her to start tickling her.

"Yeah?"

"Yess!" she laughs and he silences her with his mouth and a heated kiss.

_Will her parents notice if she's a little late?_

**97**

"Catalano!"

"Hey," Jordan nods as Shane jumps down four stairs on his way to Jordan's car. He laughs when Shane trips and falls on his face into the grass but quickly recovers.

"They called! From Vertigo- that guy she introduced us to for that club downtown. We got a slot for next weekend."

"Shit, are you serious?" Jordan asks, shocked. They thought it was a long shot that they would get asked to play at a bigger club, especially one in downtown Pittsburg, but if they were really asked to play there?

"Yeah. Two in the morning, but still… it's a time slot, ya know?"

"That's great." He still can't believe that in just the few weeks since Angela's party, their band had become the talk of the school. They'd played Vertigo every weekend since their audition and they'd made a rough tape of their original songs and couldn't copy them fast enough for people at school.

"Hey." He hears it a second before he smells warm vanilla around him and then her arms wrap around him from behind and he sees the flash of red out of the corner of his eye. "Guess who?" she laughs before he pulls her around in front of him to kiss her.

"Morning," he whispers before kissing her softly.

"Chase Face, we have to get to geometry. C'mon."

She pulls her mouth away from his and they turn to see Sharon wrapping her arms around Shane.

_I never thought I'd see the day that Shane was trying to make a relationship work, especially with someone like her, but they've been fucking around for a couple weeks and they both seem pretty happy. Though I don't know if they're like Angela and me, but…_

"Sharon, geometry? Remember?" Angela laughs quietly before turning her mouth back to his.

He wishes they could just skip class, skip finals, and go back to his apartment all day. He loves being locked away in his room with her, like it's their apartment, their house.

_Is it crazy to think that? Like… is it crazy to imagine me and her married or something? In our own house with kids one day? It's like sometimes it feels like we're so young and then other times, it's like we've always just been this way, always will be this way._

"So, next weekend," Shane says, pulling away from Sharon's mouth.

"Right," Jordan nods and he steps back from Angela, but keeps his arm around her.

"What's next weekend?" the girls ask.

"We're playing this club downtown on Saturday. It could lead to bigger gigs. We have a half hour set, so we'll need to focus this week," Shane explains.

"Oh my god, Jordan, that's amazing," Angela says, hugging him.

_Every time she hugs me, it's like incredible or something. Like sometimes I still can't believe things actually worked out and got us like this. Like all those months of us just being friends or whatever are over but sometimes I still can't believe they are._

"Well we have to be there," Sharon laughs.

"Right. My parents are gonna let me go downtown Saturday night?" Angela laughs.

"Yeah, at two in the morning too," Shane says.

"Shit. Really?" Angela sighs but he can already see her mind turning. He can see her thinking up all the possible lies or excuses she could use on her parents. He knows she's becoming much better at giving them half truths so they can spend time together.

"That'll be a tough sell to the parents, but… we'll figure something out," Sharon says and glances at her watch. "Shit. We have to go."

"And you have your algebra final, right?" she asks him and he nods and runs his fingers down a strand of her bright red hair. He likes that she recolored it because it hadn't been as bright for a while. He knows it's not her real hair color, but it seems like it should be.

"Yeah, c'mon. I'll walk you to geometry," he says and drops his arm over her shoulder.

"I'll be just a minute, Chase Face," Cherski smiles as she turns back toward Shane.

"So we have no afternoon tests and I thought we could go somewhere after," he suggests as he pulls the door open for her. "If you wanted, I mean."

"Your place?" she whispers and licks his neck suggestively.

"Or to lunch or something," he shrugs.

"You don't wanna go to your place?" she asks as they head up the stairs.

He's nervous about his math final but he knows he also did a lot of practice problems with Brain and hopes he can read most of them now.

"We can. I just thought it might be nice to go to lunch or whatever. We have the whole afternoon before I have to be at the garage, so-"

"Soooo why don't we pick something up for lunch and then go back to your apartment," she says as she tugs on his shirt and pulls him against the lockers near the gym. "That way we'll have plenty of energy," she smiles as she slides her hands around his waist and under his t-shirt so she can touch his back. Her fingers walk up his spine slowly.

_Now how am I supposed to concentrate on math?_

"Ang…" he groans softly into her ear.

"What? It's been two days," she reminds him. Her parents kept her busy with a couple family events over the weekend and they weren't able to see each other at all.

"Yeah, I know," he murmurs into her neck.

"Chase Face, come on! Final exam time!"

They break away and all walk into the gym. She finds her seat and his is, luckily, far away from hers so he won't be able to get distracted. He works as quickly as he can to do all the problems with no reading first so that he knows he'll get credit for those. Then he works on the other problems. He's able to get most done and he thinks he did them fairly well but he still leaves about ten blank because he runs out of time.

He's the last to leave the gym and tries to smile when he walks out and sees her and her friends sitting on the floor waiting.

"So are you in or what, Angelika? C'mon, it'll be so much fun! Tino says we'll pack his van full of shit and we've got Jordan's car too so-"

"What about my car?" he asks, wondering what the hell Graff is on about now. They all get up and Angela must see how disappointed he is about the test because she walks over and caresses his cheek softly before hugging him tightly.

_How can she just do this? Like… know exactly what I'm feeling or what I want?_

"Party next weekend, Saturday at the lake. Massive high school blow out," Graff smiles before spinning around. "We have to go! We can sleep in Tino's van! Rickie, I know you're in. Cherski?"

"I… I guess," she shrugs. "I mean… I don't know what I'll tell the parents but…"

"Tell them the truth!" Graff laughs. "Tell them we're going to a gathering of friends and we'll be back Sunday morning!"

"Well of course I wanna go, but I have to make sure I'll be able to," Cherski says.

"Yeah, me too," Angela nods and kisses his chin.

"I figure between Tino's van and Jordan's car, that we'll be fine. It'll be a tight fit and uncomfortable, but… c'mon, it's a party!"

They all laugh as Graff practically dances down the stairs and Angela keeps her arms around his waist.

"I'm sure you did better than you think," she says quietly.

_I hope so._

**98**

"So do you know what your grades are yet?" he asks into the receiver.

"We don't get grades, Jordie," she giggles a bit. "I'm in the fifth grade. It just says that I'm doing good in everything. Dad was happy."

"Well that's good. And what about Sammie?"

"Yeah, we're friends again. She said she was sorry and I did too. She's sleeping over tomorrow night. Are you gonna be able to visit me this summer?"

"I don't know," he sighs. "Seattle is a far way away, Katie, and I don't have much money. But I took some pictures last weekend, okay? Remember I told you my band was playing? Angela took some pictures and I'm gonna send them."

"Oh cool! I can't wait to see them. Will you tape some and send them? I wanna hear what it sounds like."

"Yeah, Katie, I will," he nods and looks up as Angela walks in the front door. He waves to her.

"I could see if Dad would take some pictures of me for you," she says. "That way you can see how old I am."

"I'm sure you look too old, Katie," he sighs. He misses her terribly and keeps hoping that he'll somehow work out a way to go visit.

"Well I gotta go, Jordie. Dad says we're leaving now, so…"

"Yeah, okay. I love you, Katie. I miss you."

"I miss you too," he hears her say softly. "I hope you can come visit soon."

"Me too. I'll talk to you soon, okay? Have fun at the picnic."

"Kay. Bye, Jordie."

He hangs up the phone as Angela slides into his lap and wraps her arms around him.

"Hey," he says and hugs her back.

"So… I grabbed your mail and everything is officially out in the car. You uh… it's your report card," she says. "Why are they sending it here? Shouldn't they still be sending it to your father's house?"

"No. I forged his signature on a form saying we moved, so it all gets sent here."

_Shit. I do not want to open that. I really don't. It's like… algebra I probably managed to pass, even with not answering ten questions. But the others? Maybe biology I passed because there were a lot of charts and pictures, but English and History? I doubt it and I tried so hard this year too._

"Well?" she says, holding it out.

"What does it matter?" he says angrily and pushes her off him so he can stand up. "We gotta meet Tino in an hour and we're picking up Shane and Sharon, so-"

"Jordan, open it."

"Why? So I can know what a fucking failure I am? I think I already know!" he practically yells at her but she doesn't flinch. She just holds out the envelope to him again. "No. I know I failed so who the fuck cares? Let's fuckin' go," he says and grabs his keys and storms out the door.

He jumps over the door into his car, starts it up and waits.

_Why the fuck do I wanna know for sure that I failed? Why do I need to see that in print? I know I did, so what's the fuckin' point?_

He honks the horn and sees her come out and lock the door behind her.

_Doesn't matter anyway. I'm not going back to school next year. I'm just going to drop out and keep going to the reading center until I'm able to pass the GED. It's pointless for me to spend more time in classes that aren't helping me, especially when I can be working or taking reading courses._

_I glance over at her as she gets in the car and she doesn't seem mad or hurt but I did scream at her. Shit._

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I just-"

"I know," she nods and slides closer to him, under the arm he has draped over the seat. "Let's go. Sharon said she'd meet us at Rayanne's, so we just have to get Shane."

He hopes the party will be fun and not lame. It's supposedly going to be a huge thing with several of the local high schools all heading up for bonfires and drinking and music.

"Do you have our usual snacks?" he wonders.

"Of course. They're in the back. And I also threw the blanket and a pillow off your bed so we can sleep in the back seat and not freeze if it gets cold tonight."

He feels her fingers playing with his ice cream charm and it lightens his mood. He knows she wouldn't do that if she were angry with him.

"So Katie was really excited when I told her you took some pictures of the show last weekend."

"I wish we had a camera. We'll bring one to the next one and video tape it for her. Has Shane heard from them again? I mean the manager seemed to really like you guys."

"Yeah, I don't know though. They see so many bands, I'm sure they're busy," he shrugs.

The manager had seemed to like them but there are so many bands always trying to get noticed and only just so many time slots to give. He keeps hoping perhaps music could be a reality but he's putting reading and passing the GED as a priority for himself, if only just to know he finally did it.

"My mom said when you drop me off tomorrow you should come in or something."

"I still can't believe your parents just let you come."

"Well I said we'd be all together and that Sharon was going and… I don't know. I guess she like trusts me or whatever."

"Which is funny since you lie to them all the time to come over and have sex."

"Yeah, but they don't know that," she laughs. "Or if they suspect, she hasn't said anything to me."

"Or they know but now the deed's already been done," he suggests.

"Please, I think if my parents knew we were having sex, they wouldn't let us see each other. I mean… they're still parents of a sixteen year old girl."

_Either way, I don't care, as long as I get to see her. And I don't plan on stopping any time soon. I don't know if we'll be together in a year or two years or ten, but we're together now and that's all that matters._

**99**

"No, it's like this, Man," Shane says and tries doing another handstand but ends up falling on his ass. Again. "No. That one wasn't good."

"I don't think you can do it," Jordan laughs.

"Yeah, Man, forget it," Tino laughs too and all the girls are laughing as well.

There are big fire all along the shore of the water and the light from them and the moon is the only light as most everyone has their cars off. He places another kiss to her neck between their laughter. She's sitting between his legs with his arms and legs wrapped around her. She's leaning back into his chest and he loves that she fits perfectly against him and all he can smell is fire warmed vanilla.

The afternoon had been eventful. They'd played volleyball, walked along the lake, cooked hot dogs and done quite a bit of making out as well.

Jordan could honestly say it was the first "event" at the lake he'd enjoyed and wasn't getting drunk at. He had Angela and that made him happy. He even noticed Graff wasn't drinking, from what he'd observed and he was sure it made Angela happy.

"Maybe it was like this!" Shane laughs as he gets up and attempts it again only falls backwards this time into a tree. "Fuck!"

They all crack up more.

"Fuckers! This hurts!" Shane yells as he sits himself on the grass.

"Here, Baby, I'll help," Sharon smiles as she crawls over to him. She sits down beside him and wraps her arms around him. "How's that?"

"Well it's better," he sighs.

He feels Angela shiver a bit. "You cold?"

"A little," she nods.

"Here," he says and unbuttons his oversized flannel shirt. "Wrap it around you."

"You two are the freakin' cutest ever," Graff laughs. "So cute I think I might hurl. C'mon Tino, I gotta be away from them."

They sit and watch as the two head off to Tino's van.

"Shit, I should probably set up our tent," Shane says.

"A tent?" Sharon asks. "You're going to set up a tent?"

"Yeah, and if you're nice, I may let you sleep in it. If not, you'll be stuck listening to Graff and Tino go at it all night in the van."

Angela chuckles softly and they leave as well, leaving them with a bunch of people they don't know, staring at the fire.

"Where's Rickie?" he wonders, not remembering when the last time he saw him was.

"I don't know. Guess he's still with that Preston guy. I mean they seemed pretty… flirty earlier during volleyball. I hope he's with him. Rickie really needs a boyfriend. He should be happy like we all are."

"I'm certainly happy," Jordan whispers in her ear. "But… I might be happier alone with you in my car."

"I'd probably be warmer," she whispers back before turning her head so he can cover her mouth with his own.

"I think I can definitely warm you up," he tells her and slowly moves his legs and arms out of their entanglement with hers.

He helps her up off the grass and slips his hand in hers as they head back to his car.

"I'm glad we came up here. This has been really nice, just hanging out with school out of the way for a couple months anyway," she says as she opens the trunk. She grabs a bag, the pillow and blanket and a couple bottles of water before closing it. "Do you have a-"

"Yeah, in my pocket and in the glove compartment."

He knows now that he has to have plenty of condoms because she won't have sex without them and he wouldn't want to either because she's not on the pill yet.

She throws the things into the back seat before he puts the top up and secures it in place.

Then she opens his door and crawls in the back. He follows and is grateful his car has such a spacious back seat. She shivers a bit more and drapes the blanket over her.

"Open the bag. I want M&M'S," she commands and he complies happily. He loves that they've found a balance between wanting to be physical all the time with the things they always did before that.

He opens the large bag and they each grab some.

"So I passed shop in large part to you," she says. "I think I woulda had a 75 if you hadn't done my final project for me."

"No problem," he shrugs. "You did enough of my homework this year, so… I owed you."

"The parents were not happy about my 77 in geometry but have hopes for me for trig next year. I, on the other hand, am not so sure about that."

"Please drop it, Angela."

_I know what she's doing with this. It's a very Angela thing to do- bringing up something to get me to talk about it or invite her to something. But-_

"I really don't wanna know."

"But… maybe you didn't fail everything, Jordan. You worked really hard this year. Really hard. And so what if you failed? What did you make last year in English?"

"Like thirty," he shrugs as he pops a few more candies in his mouth.

"So maybe you still failed but you must have improved a little."

He watches as she pulls the envelope from her back pocket and he sighs. He thought she'd left it at his apartment but he knows he should have known better.

"Well I don't care if you don't want to know but I do, so I'm looking."

He watches as she opens the envelope carefully and pulls out the piece of paper inside. He bites his thumbnail as he watches her.

_I watch her eyes, trying to see if she's happy or realizes how pathetic and stupid I am. I try and concentrate on her hands to see if they start to move up to tuck her hair back. Or if she looks like she's about to ramble or something in hopes of not breaking the bad news. But she doesn't react at all. She just stares at it for a few minutes before folding it and putting it back in the envelope._

"Well? How dumb am I? I failed everything right?" he asks, before biting on his nail again. "A third year tenth grader? Right?"

"You said you didn't wanna know, so…"

He watches as she puts it back in her pocket.

_What? But- now I have to know. If she knows, I should know, right?_

"Angela," he says and stares at her, frustration evident on his face and in his tone.

"What?"

"Tell me! What did it say? I failed everything, right?" She grabs more candy and eats slowly as he stares at her. "Did I pass everything?" he asks, not wanting to even hope. "I failed English and History, didn't I?"

"You said you didn't care! You said you didn't want to know, so… just forget about it," she says, her green eyes teasing him now.

"Well tell me! I have to know now if you do."

"You said you didn't-"

"Tell me!" he yells and launches himself across the seat to tackle her. He wraps his arms around hers and traps her between him and the wall of the car. "Tell me," he requests softly as he sneaks his hand behind her into her pocket.

He pulls the envelope out and relaxes next to her as she rests her chin on his shoulder. He opens it and he feels her arm sneak under his so she's hugging his arm.

_I can't fucking believe it._

_How is that- I mean… fuck._

"Does that say I got an eighty in math? I mean… that's right, right? I'm not imagining that."

"No," she whispers. "Eighty in Math. Seventy in Bio. Ninety-eight in Shop. Sixty-five in History. And seventy in English."

_Shit. I… I fucking passed English?_

"See? You did so well the last couple quarters of English with Brain's help that those marks raised your average. You failed the final but passed the course. Same with History. You just passed with sixty-five but you passed, Jordan."

_Holy fuck. I passed?!_

"I passed!" he screams and tosses the paper aside so he can yank her into his lap. He starts kissing her passionately and soon grades don't matter because they're just celebrating each other.

**To Be Concluded**

**I'm not sure when the next will be posted. Hopefully before Saturday but it's not written yet, so as soon as it's done... I know exactly what is fitting to end this fic, I just have to be in the mood to write it!**

**Any guesses what it'll be?**


	21. Chapter 100

**TITLE**: Break Me Down 100/ 100  
**AUTHOR**: **crazyevildru**  
**LENGTH**: 108,443 (318 pages!)  
**RATING**: NC17  
**DISCLAIMER**: I sadly do not own the characters, Shout and Winnie Holzman do!  
**SUMMARY**: The mystery behind Jordan Catalano- answering the question of why he did what he did on the show and beyond. I tried to explore Jordan more and bring him some depth. This is told in his POV- italics are his voice overs.  
**Cross posted**: mscl, msclfanfic,

**-Break Me Down-  
****Ch. 100 of 100**

Jordan Catalano knows it's late when he crawls up the tree to her window. Despite being mid-August, it's cool and the rain falling doesn't help him feel warm. The distant thunder and rain pelting his face makes him shiver and almost fall but he manages to keep his grip on the branches that have become quite familiar.

He's scaled the tree numerous times now in order to see her, in order to watch her fall asleep or tell her how their gigs went and tonight is no different. Well, tonight is a bit different he knows or he hopes.

He taps on the window gently as he peeks inside to see if she's still awake but her room is completely dark, except when a bolt of lightening flashes. The few glances he's able to catch of her reveal that she's already in bed and he wonders if she fell asleep waiting for him.

He raps on the window a bit louder but it doesn't seem to get her attention.

_Maybe she didn't think I'd come tonight because of the rain? But she should know by now I'll always come for her, to her. She's my everything._

_I know she's really worried about next year with me not being at school with her but I can't imagine my life without her. I can't imagine not seeing her red hair so if I have to wake up early to pick her up and take her to school, I will. If I have to sneak into her room every night to see her, I will. Whatever it takes for us to be together, as long as she'll have me._

He knocks on the window a bit louder and she still doesn't stir, the sound of the storm covering his meager attempts at her attention.

He decides to try and see if he can get the window open from the outside and when the next flash of lightening illuminates the night, he sees that there's a pencil sticking out from under the window. He smiles softly because he knows she left it to keep the window open for him.

He sneaks his fingers under it carefully and slides it up enough so he can climb inside. He no longer trips on her things because her entire room was rearranged so the window area would remain free of obstacles that would keep him from her.

He toes off his sneakers and pulls his flannel shirt off and leaves the soggy things on the floor before approaching the bed.

"Angela?" he asks softly and sits on the bed next to her sleeping form. The flashes of light make her almost glow for a few brief seconds.

_She really does look angelic, doesn't she?_

"Ang?" he whispers as he pushes a piece of her hair off her forehead and shivers as the cold continues to cover his skin.

"Mmm," she whimpers as she starts to stir.

"Angela," he repeats and kisses her forehead gently.

"Jordan?" she mumbles.

"Yeah," he nods. "It's pretty late. The rain slowed us down but I'm back."

He feels her hand reach out and touch his face, slide down his neck to his bare arm.

"You're wet," she whispers.

"Yeah, well it's been raining since we left Phili," he explains before shivering. He had been fine until he had to park a block away and then run to her house.

"You're shivering. Get under the covers with me."

"I'm soaked to the bone. I just wanted to tell you I'm home and-"

_And SAY it you fucking coward. SAY it._

But the words fail him yet again.

"And?"

"And I missed you and I'll call you tomorrow and-"

"Jordan, you've been gone four days, please. I missed you and you're freezing. Just for a little bit, until you warm up."

She gets up then and turns on the lamp next to her bed. It's not very bright but he can see her and he can watch her hand as she reaches up to run her fingers through his wet hair.

"Take off your jeans and tank top. I'll run them down and put them in the dryer."

"They're just going to get wet when I leave."

"So?" she says. "You can stay for an hour and tell me about your trip and then you'll be warm when you leave."

He can see he's not going to win so he follows her instructions and watches as she picks up his wet flannel shirt off the floor as well.

"Now get under the covers. I'll be right back."

She kisses his forehead and sneaks out and he sighs a little and inhales deeply the scent that invades his thoughts: warm vanilla.

He missed the scent since his trip but the band couldn't pass up the chance to play in Philadelphia. Since her birthday party nearly two months ago, they've all agreed to stick together and put the band first for at least two years.

He strips his boxers off as well because he doesn't want them making her sheets wet, even if his body does. Then he crawls underneath her blankets where he can feel her body heat still in the blankets and the scent of vanilla is so strong, it's intoxicating.

She opens the door and quietly shuts it behind her.

"Should be about an hour. Is that warmer? I brought you up some milk and a few cookies. Mom hasn't gone shopping really so it's all we had."

"I'm fine, really. C'mere," he says and takes her hand and pulls her onto the bed next to him. She shuts the light off and he feels her crawl under the covers with him.

_Shit. I didn't think she'd do that. I mean I am naked under here, not that she hasn't seen me, but her under the covers with a naked me is not really the best way to keep me from assaulting her with her parents down the hall._

"So it was really-"

His statement is cut off by her desperate and hungry tongue in his mouth and her equally hungry hands sliding across his bare stomach.

"Ang," he whispers between her assaults on his mouth.

"I missed you, Jordan," she says and he feels her tongue moving along his jaw over his three day stubble and then over his Adam's apple to his collarbone.

Her hands are just as greedy, eagerly stroking him to hardness, not that it required that much effort on her part since just the mere thought of what could happen is enough to drive him wild.

"I missed you too," he replies. "So you can come over tomorrow and"

He can't speak again because she's sliding down under the covers and he feels her hair trailing behind her oh so wet mouth. She's leaving a trail of lollipop flavored saliva down his torso and then he feels her mouth ON him, licking along the veins of his hardness as if she's done this before. His brain shuts off. There's no more blood there to even get oxygen to it.

He just feels. He feels her mouth, her tongue exploring his warming flesh, kissing his inner thighs and lower abdomen, licking around the base of his erection as if it's the most natural of things for her when he knows it's not because she's never done it before.

_God, I fucking love her. Why can't I say it to her? Why can't I just say I love you, Angela._

_And why did she stop?_

"What?" she asks, her entire body completely still. "What did you-"

"Huh?" he asks, hoping to get his brain to process her question.

"Did you just- you just-" He feels her crawl back up so she's draped over him and her eyes are so close to his now that he can see them. "You just said you love me."

_Fuck! I DID?_

_I mean I DID! Yes. I shit. I did._

"Yes," he says cautiously, scared that she won't say it back. "I did. I- I do, Ang. Have for a while but yes."

He sees a warmth spread over her entire face and a light take over her eyes before she's kissing him, her body rocking against his and he can feel her wetness seeping onto him from where they're rubbing against each other, teasing each other.

"I love you too, Jordan," she whispers.

The words sound almost musical to him and then his mouth is on hers again and the fact that they're sliding against each other is secondary to the intimacy of their mouths. His manhood sliding between her legs, against her heat, is not nearly as intense as the love their mouths make.

They're pressed against each other as his tongue is sliding against her, licking her saliva off it, tasting her on the roof of her mouth and running along her teeth and lips. Her mouth does the same; sucks on his lips and tastes his tongue, seeks to touch every slimy part of his mouth and somewhere along the way, he's settled above her, in between her legs and he wants nothing more than to be inside her.

"Ang," he gasps, trying to stop from just pushing inside her, trying to regain any kind of function in his brain that would stop him from sinking home and feeling her insides around him. "Ang," he gasps again, begging her to stop him somehow.

"What?" she asks, her fingers lightly sliding down his back over his ass, driving him even more insane with need for her body, for her touch, for the feel of her encasing him completely.

"Ang" is the only thing he's able to say, to plead.

"Be in me," she whispers and he feels her fingers in his hair, urging his mouth to hers again. "Please, Jordan, I need you."

"Ang" is the only thing he can force out of his mouth. He doesn't have anything on him and he doesn't know where to get-

"It's okay," she replies quietly into his ear. "I've been on the pill for a couple months."

And that's all his brain processes as he pushes inside her and they both swallow each other's moans as they lock their mouths together. Their mouths fused is the only thing that has a chance of stopping them from waking the neighborhood.

He knows it's only been five days without her writhing beneath him, without her sweating beneath him, without her tongue sliding eagerly against his, without her body yielding to him, but it's been five days.

Too many days. Five too many days.

He wishes they were older and he could just take her now, away from her family, back to his apartment, to their apartment. But he knows that can't happen so he'll pretend. He opens his eyes as they kiss, which he's never done, so he can pretend this is their house and their future because he knows already that it's his Angela.

He's surprised when her eyes flutter open as well and he keeps moving his hips, pumping into her willing body, feeling her soft and velvet around him. He sees nothing but completely lust and love and joy in her eyes and hopes she sees it back in his.

When their bodies have found stillness again and their ragged breaths find peace, he can't help but laugh softly into her neck as her hands move gently over his back.

"What?" she whispers as she relaxes her legs from around his waist.

"Guess you weren't joking after all," he says quietly in her ear.

"Oh shut up," she laughs and hits him playfully as he moves off her to settle beside her in her bed, down the hall from where her parents are asleep.

He hopes she knows how much she has forever changed his life and even if their lives move on and part from this moment, from each other, she'll always be the best part of him.

She'll always be the one who broke him down and made him whole again.

**THE END**

**  
I would like to thank all of you who sent me continuous feedback: **methosdeb, hot4J, mirror_kiss, Lady Jane's Muse, shaid, jnc420, luvjordan, Tereza8472, Red81, mariondavis, malyale, leobrat, betharina, thatsaid, naroo_13, sweetest_asylum, nola_nola, debbiejallen, Jessie, GoodniteGirl23, orchid1, StefForPresident, queencordy44

**You all have no idea how much all your kind words encouraged me and made me happy! I'm so pleased there was an audience for this fic! I doubt I'll be doing anymore MSCL fic- but I will be doing some 30 Seconds to Mars fic if anyone reads that, let me know!**


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